Unfair Warning... some of these are ugly
Felton Green
rise. (John S. Crosbie)
Ham on Rye: An alcoholic actor. (Leopold Fechtner)
She put lipstick on her forehead, because she wanted to make up her
mind. (The International Save the Pun Foundation)
He lost the worm from his hook and went on fishing unabated. (Pun of the
Day)
Unabate - a mousetrap without any cheese. (Dave Coble)
Musical Mondegreen from David Trevas: "Tonight you come undressed, yes,
yes" ("Tonight you calm my restlessness" Breathe "Hands to Heaven")
Sipping wine while crocheting turned them into a "tight" knit group.
(Jumble)
My wife diets religiously, one day a week. (Henny Youngman)
The little demon was deceitful," Tom implied. (Richard Lederer)
She Was So Blonde, she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
(G. S. Angel)
Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease! (Mighty Cool)
"How much is that duck?" "Ten dollars" "Okay, could you please send me
the bill?" "I'm sorry, but you'll have to take the whole bird." (Gunjan
Saraf)
A web wag: Someone who is well e-quipped (Pam Shorey)
The new employee had only been with the firm for a few months when she
went in to ask for a raise. 'So soon!' The boss was taken aback.
'Certainly not. In this company you have to work yourself up.' 'I have!'
she insisted. 'Look at me, I'm trembling all over.' (Syman Hirsch)
The groudskeeper at a large cemetery stated proudly in his resume: "I
have 10,000 people under me." (Dave Coble)
When he bought into the ice rink, the investor got a frozen asset. (Jumble)
Aspersion: An Iranian burro (Stan Kegel)
"I tried to stop the horse by pulling the cord on the back", was Tom's
tale of woe. (Gill Krebs)
Our lives are ova before they've begun. (Kegel Archives)
Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. (Pun of the Day)
A man accosted a woman on the street and gave her a big hug and a kiss,
telling her how beautiful she was. He was accused of assault and
flattery. (Very Punny)
The friendly lawyer provided his client legal ease. (Jumble)
Dieting is breaking the pound barrier (Henny Youngman)
Why do ducks frequently have to fight depression? Because they often get
down in the mouth. (James D. Ertner)
Purified water spills only into the basement. Everyone knows distill
water runs deep. (Rusty Smith)
An there's the case of a pert and perceptive young lady of our
acquaintance. Her boy friend is currently prospecting for oil somewhere
in the southweat. So she sent him a 'Get Well' card. (Syman Hirsch)
Infantry: A sapling. (Stan Kegel)
A candidate for public office threatened to sue a certain newspaper for
libel. The newspaper denied printing anything improper. when asked if he
intended to press his suit, the candidate replied, "Of course; I can't
campaign in wrinkled clothes. (Harvey Gordon).
You're about as useful as a psychic with Altzheimers! (Lee Daniel Quinn)
When a hospital runs out of maternity nurses they have a mid-wife
crisis. (Aiken Drum)
Bug: A sting operation (Murray L. Bob)
"You're a fool to say 'can do' when it's already been done," Tom said
candidly. (Gill Krebs)
A while ago my wife had became so sick that I took her to see our
doctor. After she explained what was wrong the doctor asked if she was
pregnant, to which my innocent wife replied, "There's no conceivable
way!" (Kegel Archives)
The question, it seems, of the day,
And one that just won't go away,
Is, What's the solution
To aqua pollution
And water we going to pay?
(Cynthia MacGregor)
Musical Mondegreen from David Trevas: "Take my hand and we'll make a
nice sweater" ("Take my hand and we'll make it, I swear" Bon Jovi
"Living On a Prayer")
Alcohol is a crash diet. (Pun of the Day)
Cabbage: How old the taxi is. (Leopold Fechtner)
Usually, when money grows on trees, there's a lot of grafting going on.
(Very Punny)
The job recruiter, seeking the perfect lettuce became a head hunter.
(Jumble)
When fabric softener was invented it made people ex-static. (The Placebo
Page)
Oregon: A state whose name means there is no metal left to mine (Cynthia
MacGregor)
A black ant walks into a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says they
don't want her type in here, she says "What are you? A bunch of reds!"
(Vlad Lenin)
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? Juan on Juan.
(Sports Quickies)
When she was really young Ms. Fitzgerald had very small breasts but
still sang without accompaniment. They called her A-cup Ella. (Rusty Smith)
Summit: What you do to a column of numbers with a calculator (Jay Christie)
Nostalgia Buff: One who finds the past perfect and present tense. (Dave
Coble)
If you want to become a vegetatian, is it ok to give up meat cold
turkey? (G. S. Angel)
The pharaohs of Egypt worked out the first pyramid scheme. (Mike Bull)
A staunch Baptist, he nevertheless refused to baptize his daughter Anna,
saying it would have made him an Anabaptist. (Dennis M. Hammes)
"This tooth extraction could take for ever", said Tom with infinite
wisdom. (Gill Krebs)
Apparently, independent studies have discovered that the internet is an
addictive agent which, they say, is just as powerful as drugs or
alcohol. However, researcers go on to say that the internet is actually
much more dangerous than these addictive substances since it is a
terminal addiction. (Kegel Archives)
What conveyance would you expect a Chinese poet, who writes 5 line poems
with an aabba rhyming scheme, to ride in? A Limerickshaw (By Clynch
Varnadore)
Musical Mondegreen from David Trevas: "I'm not that kind of girl who
wears a dress like that! Oh No!" ("I'm not the kind of girl who gives up
just like that! Oh No!" Blondie "The Tide Is High")
Working on a job may not be a hard as it used to be, but it certainly is
a lot more taxing. (Very Punny)
"I'll glue the sheets of wood back together," Tom replied (Richard
Lederer).
The prisoners called the guard's parrot a jail bird. (Jumble)
The gymnast hurt her ankle but it's her own damn vault. (Win Ben
Stein's Money)
Arrears: What we should wash behind. (Richard Lederer)
What did the pelican say after a huge fish dinner? Well, that certainly
fills the bill. (James D. Ertner)
Have you heard about the lawyers' word processor? No matter what font
you select, everything comes out in fine print. (Ron Klar)
Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender said, "We don't serve your type
here." (Frederick Clegg)
Did you hear about the female cabbie? All the men thought they auto
meter. (L. R. Thoennes)
If a female deer, sat on a wier, would she be considered a wier-doe?
(Bradley Williams)
At a wedding, the bride and groom get the "I DO"; the guests get eye
dew. (P. C. Swanson)
Is your holier side your altar ego? (E4Fun)
What's the difference between Karate and Judo? Karate is method of
self-defense; Judo is what bagels are made of. (Jokes Rule)
The Pillsbury Doughboy is my roll model. (Catherine Shoemaker)
What do you call a father from Indiana? Hoosier Daddy (Don Thorn)
I walked into Dairy Queen the other day and asked for a hot fudge sundae
with extra hot fudge. The girl replied, "The hot fudge only comes in one
temperature, ma'am." (Ed Hexter)
"My cookie is empty", said Tom unfortunately. (Gill Krebs)
First water then soil and now air,
The world such pollution won't bear.
We've been in the wrong
For ever so long
To err as the heir of the air.
(Lars Hanson)
Why are gymnasts such good friends in times of need? Because they will
bend over backwards to help you. (Stan Kegel)
Sports are refereed by people of many stripes. (Pun of the Day)
Support Bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. (Very Punny)
Her martial arts demonstration left him floored. (Jumble)
Blessed are the flexible, for they can tie themselves into knots. (Quickie)
"I've spotted more blackbirds than you have," Tom crowed. (Richard Lederer)
The cheap eye surgeon was always cutting corneas. (Win Ben Stein's
Money)
If you cheat on a diet, you gain in the end. (Henny Youngman)
I used to be a hotel clerk, but then I had reservations. (Pun Factory)
On the tombstone of a farmer whose dying wish was to be buried in his
vegetable garden: "Rest in Peas" (The Pun Page)
"How do you know so much about railroads?" "Well, it did take a lot of
training." (Helen Hoke)
The leading orthopedic doctor in the country is surgeon ahead in his
field. (Harvey Gordon)
Doctors are reporting many men are having allergic reactions to latex
condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?
(Jay Leno)
"Watch this insect sail through the air," said Tom flippantly. (Kegel
Archives)
--
Felton Green
Novell Support Connection Volunteer SysOp
Andy Betts
<g>
--
AB
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There is a very fine line between "Hobby" and "Mental Illness"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Simon Bolingbroke
I have gone off you in a BIG way Felton! ;-))))))
....but keep them coming!
--
S.
.-. . --. .- .-. -.. ...
... .. -- --- -. -... --- .-.. .. -. --. -... .-. --- -.- .
(so what's wrong with old technology? :-)
Felton Green <felton...@bigfoot.com> wrote in message
news:8ns40o$ge...@nexus.provo.novell.com...
Felton Green
and what is meant by that Sir?
--
Felton Green
Novell Support Connection Volunteer SysOp
"Simon Bolingbroke" <sbolin...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:8nu5cp$n8...@nexus.provo.novell.com...
Timothy A. Leerhoff
<bg>
T
Simon Bolingbroke
--
S.
.-. . --. .- .-. -.. ...
... .. -- --- -. -... --- .-.. .. -. --. -... .-. --- -.- .
(so what's wrong with old technology? :-)
Felton Green <felton...@bigfoot.com> wrote in message
news:8nvd0f$n6...@nexus.provo.novell.com...