I'm lost with nowhere to went
fel...@hotpop.com
filing, is like making
prisoners dig their own graves. -Gil
Milbauer, on filing income tax
Two fonts walk into a bar. The bartender says,
"Get out, we don't serve your type here."
(Restaurant slogans in Shakespeare's time...)
No pickle, no lettuce -- shall onion be next?
By orders most special we ne'er are vexed.
To our humble servility, pray you, defer!
Permit us to serve thee as thou dost prefer.
Have it thy way....
Why is a boxing ring square?
Why is it called lipstick if you can still move
your lips?
Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?
Can overweight people go skinny-dipping?
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie. -
Dave Barry
He did mention that at Berkeley he was in a
favorable position to study two of the esoteric
wonders of our time, subjects only an adept
might begin to penetrate. Pure mathematics and
the state of California. There were no analogies
from the real world that might help him explain
either of these. - James Axton in Don
DeLillo "Names"
Anagram:
President Clinton of the USA = To Copulate He
Finds Interns
(John Anderson/Steve Howe, Yes "Close to the
Edge")
A seasoned witch could call you from the depths
of your disgrace
And rearrange your liver to the solid mental grace
Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same
thing?
Al O'Leary, NY MTA spokesman):
We have well over a billion riders a year and
most of them have enough sense to ride inside the
trains.
(Albert Einstein, when asked what radio is):
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very
long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his
head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand
this? And radio operates exactly the same way:
you send signals here, they receive them there.
The only difference is that there is no cat.
I seldom wonder whether all cell phone users are
in fact smart schizophrenics who have come upon
an elegant and socially acceptable way of
speaking to themselves. -Arunava Banerjee
I suppose if you say enough things, some of
them are bound to be quotable. -Gil Milbauer
Q: What do you call a fish without an eye? A: A
fsh.
If a journey of a thousand miles begins with a
single step, is the first step of a one-mile
journey one Milwaukee?
The early bird gets the worm, but the second
mouse gets the cheese.
What's the color of a chameleon put onto a mirror?
John Rawls in his Theory of Justice suggests that
a person should lead his life so that at its end,
he will approve of what he has done.
What do I care what that senile old codger (me
not Rawls) will think?
Cynicism is a cheap substitute for sophistication.
You don't actually have to learn anything.
Writing a ``future work'' section of a paper is
like a dog pi**ing on the trees at the boundary
of its territory.
A taste for Ingmar Bergman films is the modern
subsitute for attending hangings.
An atheist doesn't have to be someone who thinks
he has a proof that there can't be a god. He
only has to be someone who believes that the
evidence on the God question is at a similar
level to the evidence on the werewolf question.
No-one has yet built a monument so high that a
bird can't fly over and carp on it.
When architects get prizes, the people suffer.
Language is froth on the surface of thought.
What if the Hokey Pokey is really what it's all
about?
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing
nothing but a pair of saran-wrap underpants.
"Well," says the psychiatrist, "I can clearly
see you're crazy."
Never drive in a place where people believe in an
afterlife.
It tastes just like cold stew. It's very meaty,
moist and succulent. If we don't get right in
there, tasting, smelling, looking at the product,
we're not qualified to judge it. If we don't
taste it ourselves, how do we know we are
offering the best product we can?
-- John Murray, during a tasting session at the
Kal-Kan dog food plant
It can take a week to prepare a good
improvisation. -Roberto Benigni
First we thought the PC was a calculator. Then
we found out how to turn numbers into letters
with ASCII -- and we thought it was a
typewriter. Then we discovered graphics, and we
thought it was a television. With the World Wide
Web, we've realized it's a brochure.
Why is the man who invests all your money called
a broker?
Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the
point that the soles of his feet became quite
thick and hard. He was also a spiritual person,
and even when he was not on a hunger strike he
did not eat much and thus he became quite thin
and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he
wound up with very bad breath. This explains why
he became known as a super calloused fragile
mystic vexed with halitosis.
Anagrams:
To be or not to be: that is the question,
whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the
slings and arrows of outrageous fortune.
In one of the Bard's best-thought-of
tragedies, our insistent hero, Hamlet, queries on
two fronts about how life turns rotten.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a
mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize
them, you are a mile away from them...
and you have their shoes.
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing
is not color, but to accept God's final word on
where your lips end. -Jerry Seinfeld
I'm not offended by all the dumb blond jokes
because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know
that I'm not blond. --Dolly Parton
If all the world's a stage, where does the
audience sit?
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a
tie.
Why are they called buildings, when they're
already finished?
Shouldn't they be called builts? And why are
they called apartments, when they're all stuck
together?
Who wrote the following?
People who like this sort of thing will find this
the sort of thing they like.
The Lord prefers common-looking people. That is
why he makes so many of them.
It is my opinion, all side issues being swept
aside, that a man's lower limbs,i n order to
preserve harmony of proportion, should be at
least long enough to reach from his body to the
ground.
A. Lincoln
Patient: "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears."
Doctor: "Don't answer!"
(from the Internal Revenue Code, 26 U.S.C. 3302(c)
(2)(C)):
The provisions of the preceding sentence shall
not be applicable with respect to the taxable
year beginning January 1, 1975, or any succeeding
taxable year which begins before January 1, 1980;
and, for purposes of such sentence, January 1,
1980, shall be deemed to be the first January 1
occurring after January 1, 1974.
I heard that in relativity theory space and time
are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when
he kept showing up three miles late for his
meetings. -Steven Wright
MIT has no retirement plan for graduate students.
- an MIT graduate student
A man goes to a dermatologist and receives the
diagnosis of unusually dry skin. The doctor
prescribes a milk bath. So the guy goes to the
grocery store and tells the dairy manager he
needs enough milk to take a bath. The dairy guy
asks, "You want that pasteurized?" "Nah," the
man replies, "Up to my chin should do it."
Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to
complain. -Lily Tomlin
When she told me I was average she was just being
mean.
Live in New York City once, but leave before it
makes you hard. Live in Northern California once,
but leave before it makes you soft.
-Mary Schmich
Computer chess has developed as genetics might
have if the geneticists had concentrated their
efforts starting in 1910 on breeding racing
Drosophila. We would have some science, but
mainly we would have very fast fruit
flies. -John McCarty
Why don't lions eat the clowns at a circus?
Because they taste funny.
(From the commencement address of Tony Randall
at Centenary College)
I believe I'm expected to divulge to you the
secrets of life. And the first secret I will
divulge is that, beneath this robe, I am naked.
Silly Rock Lyric:
I am, I said
To no one there
And no one heard at all
Not even the chair. -Neil Diamond
If wine goes with fish, do grapes go with sushi?
(by Woody Allen)
I don't want to achieve immortality through my
work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
It's not that I'm afraid to die. I just don't
want to be there when it happens.
I would definitely like to know the time and
place of my death and whether a necktie is
required.
"I have no last statement."
(Last statement of convicted killer Coleman Wayne
Gray before his execution on February 26, 1997.)
Time is the greatest teacher;
unfortunately, it kills all its students
Q: What do Saddam Hussein and Little Miss
Muffett have in common?
A: They both have Kurds in their way.
The ostrich roams the great Sahara.
Its mouth is wide, its neck is narra.
It has such long and lofty legs,
I'm glad it sits to lay its eggs.
-Ogden Nash
The panther is like a leopard,
Except it hasn't been peppered.
Should you behold a panther crouch,
Prepare to say Ouch.
Better yet, if called by a panther,
Don't anther.
-Ogden Nash
Change is inevitable, except from a vending
machine.
If you pull the wings off a fly, does it become a
walk? -Sue Dillon
A hamburger walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender replies: "We don't serve food here."
A metaphor is like a simile. -Steven Wright
Always remember, as you go out to seek your
fortune, your fame, your fulfillment, always
remember that it's not who you know in this world,
it's whom. -Osborn Elliot
What happens when a tow truck breaks down?
Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Serendipity is too important to leave to chance.
-David Lewis, AAAI Spring Symposium, 26 March 1996
You dirty brother, you killed my rat! -Smedyakov
Karamazov
I filled out an application that said, "In Case
Of Emergency Notify".
I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to
do? -Steven Wright
What happens when a synchronized swimmer drowns?
Did you know that log base 10 of a gazillion is
umpteen? -Eugene Volokh
Two tankiers carrying paint collided. One had
red paint, the other blue paint. All the
survivors were marooned.
What do sheep count to fall asleep?
Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I've tasted of desire
I hold with those who favour fire.
-Robert Frost
'Tarnishment' generally arises when the
plaintiff's trademark is portrayed in an
unwholesome or unsavory context. Hormel maintains
that its trademark [Spam] will be tarnished due
to negative associations stemming from
Spa'am's 'unsavory' likeness and behavior.
Hormel maintains that the Spa'am character's
conduct is both illegal and immoral in that
Spa'am and his tribe capture Kermit the Frog and
Rizzo Rat and tie them to stakes, and that Rizzo
expresses his fear of being eaten.
The court notes that the morality of a boar
tying a frog and a rat to stakes and eating them
is very much an open question. The court takes
judicial notice of the fact that 'catch-as-catch-
can' is the generally accepted rule of behavior
in the animal kingdom.
-Judge Wood,
Do witches use spell checkers?
(both by Leo Khachian, 27 Sep 95)
AI is like game theory.
You can teach game theory without knowing how to
play any games.
AI is like Leo Tolstoy.
He loved mankind. He just didn't like any
examples of it.
Ponderous Thought for October: Do Lipton
employees get coffee breaks?
A psychic midget is wanted by the police --
they're looking for a small medium at large.
The California State Board of Education
reserves the right to meet in closed session
pursuant to Government Code Section 11126(q)(2)
(a) to determine whether facts and circumstances
authorize it to meet in closed session pusuant to
Government Code Section 11126(q)(2)(a).
- California Government Code Supplemental Agenda
Notice #2
Do you need a silencer to shoot a mime?
A mime is a terrible thing to waste.
The one-l lama,
He's a priest,
The two-l llama,
He's a beast.
But I will bet
A silk pajama
There isn't any
Three-l lllama.*
*The author's attention has been called to
a type of conflagration known as the three-
alarmer. Pooh.
What happens if you shout "Movie!" in a crowded
firehouse?
What are shipments of styrofoam packed in?
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
When you've heard one bagpipe tune you've heard
them both.
-Jack Finney, "From Time to Time"
If a man eats a pound of pasta and a pound of
antipasto would they cancel each other out,
leaving the man still hungry?
-Scott Adams, "Dilbert"
Out of sight, out of mime.
Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?
A: Ground beef.
What does "definition" mean?
In the desert, they can't remember your name
Cause there ain't no one for to give you no pain.
-America, "Horse with No Name"
TO PLAY WITH SLINKY IN HANDS
Hold end coils of Slinky with both hands.
Now raise and lower each hand in a rhythmic
motion.
TO BOUNCE SLINKY UP AND DOWN
Hold a few coils tightly in one hand, allowing
rest of Slinky to hang down. Now in a bouncing
motion, move hand slowly up and down.
-Instructions for using a Slinky, from back of box
Why does "big" have fewer letters than "small"?
First there is a mountain, then there is no
mountain, and then there is.
- Donovan
The Ottoman sultans also put their eunuchs in
commanding positions.
- Daniel Boorstin, "The Discoverers" (1983)
A midget walks into a bar and kisses everyone in
the joint.
Why does the English language have the
construct "Needless to say, ..."?
De doo doo doo de dah dah dah, that's all I want
to say to you.
-The Police
The second type of customization is the ability
to choose not only according to topic but also
according to context and other attributes.
If the search is for papers on induction, for
example, knowledge of whether the searcher is a
mathematician or an electrical engineer can
be very useful.
- C. Mic Bowman, Peter B. Danzig, Udi Manber,
and Michael F. Schwartz
"Scalable Internet Resource Discovery:
Research Problems and Approaches"
CACM 37(8):98-107, Aug 1994
Is there any significance to the fact that LIVES
is an anagram of ELVIS?
Breakfast Blues by Ronnie Levine, revised by
emily kaitz and translated by Keith Grimwood, as
recorded by Trout Fishing in America, 1994
You give me hard eggs in the morning,
Cheese omelet you go.
You give me hard eggs in the morning,
Cheese omelet you go.
You just hot, buttered grits your teeth and
bear it girl,
I doughnut love you no more.
<Now, don't get that glazed look on your face.>
Ham, bacon you to leave me,
I never sausage misery.
Ham, bacon you to leave me, darlin',
I never sausage misery.
Well, you treated me so ungrapefruitly,
You gave me a raisin to be free.
<Orange juice ashamed of yourself now?>
Well, what do you Eggs Benedict me to do now?
I've got muffin else to say.
What do you Eggs Benedict me to do now?
You butter come up with something,
'Cause I've got muffin else to say.
You left such a waffle toast in my mouth,
You biscuit out of town today.
<You know I ain't gonna keep those home fries
burning for you.>
You give me hard eggs in the morning,
Cheese omelet you go.
You give me hard eggs in the morning,
Cheese omelet you go.
You just hot, buttered grits your teeth and
bear it girl,
I ain't gonna quiche you anymore.
<Jelly roll it again?>