lyngil kalawina granville
Salvador Baltimore
Each Christmas, I attempt to spend a few days watching Christmas classics. Which can be difficult, because there have been, in the history of the entertainment industry, maybe 20 Christmassy movies that you could say are legitimately good. Even ones that are considered classics would've been probably been disregarded years ago if they didn't have Santa hats and Christmas trees. Most holiday-themed movies are bland, boring, and and completely mediocre. And there's no joy in watching mediocre movies. But there can be a lot of joy in watching terrible ones.
So in an effort to find the absolute worst of the bunch, I spent an entire day, from waking to sleep, trying to find the shittiest festive movie I could. So you could share in my misery, I decided to only include movies that are available on the main US streaming services. Which, unfortunately, means things like the Hulk Hogan-starring Santa with Muscles and the Christian Christmas film that dragged Mike Huckabee into a class-action lawsuit,were excluded.
So I figured this attitude would inform the rest of the movie: It would examine the materialism that's taken over Christmas, and tell the viewer they should instead focus on doing good in the world, as God would want. But no. The rest of the movie is actually a series of monologues in which Cameron justifies the excesses of the festive season by explaining to the brother-in-law that every single aspect of Christmas is super godly, actually. This includes a theory that Christmas trees have a biblical basis because there were trees in the Garden of Eden, and the cross Jesus was crucified on was also made from a tree. Cameron also explains that it's fine that we possibly celebrate Christmas on December 25 because it evolved from pagan winter solstice celebrations, because last time I checked, it was God who made the winter solstice, when He set the planets on their path around the sun."
By the time Cameron was explaining that Christmas presents, when placed under the tree, resemble the skyline of New Jerusalem, I thought to myself that it couldn't be possible for the movie to be more terrible or exhausting. It then launched into its final scene: a Christmas hip-hop/breakdancing scene, in which Kirk Cameron does the worm.
According to his blog, he and his family (which included four infant children) found themselves in a similar situation to the characters in the film: unemployed, broke, facing eviction, and sleeping around their living room fire because the power had been cut off.
He goes on to write that he was able to make the movie by selling off his and his wife's valuables and retirement stocks (!!!) and working with a cast and crew who went unpaid. The blog post does not specify whether he made any money back on his investment.
It opens at Castle Bam, with Bam Margera, shot through a fisheye lens, explaining that he has ordered some snow from the Poconos that he is going to use to wake up somebody named Shitbird, who is asleep in his living room.
This movie seems to have been made as a vehicle to show off the talents of two guys called Darren Dowler and Bertie Higgins, who wrote, produced, directed, and starred in the film. They also contributed to the soundtrack.
The film felt EXTREMELY self-produced. Perhaps the most self-produced thing I have ever seen. Especially the shots featuring Christmas decorations, which seem to have been achieved by superimposing stock photographs of decorations over their footage. Everything felt so thoroughly cheap and rushed and pointless that, watching it, I assumed it would have an agenda. That the moral of the story was going to sell me on Christianity or Scientology or Herbalife or something. But as far as I can tell, it had none. It seemed to just exist to promote the acting/producing/writing/musical/directing talents of the two main guys.
Beyond having the same storyline as A Christmas Carol, the film doesn't actually have any references to Christmas, but my brain was so frazzled by this point in the day that I didn't realize until the movie was over. I'm still including it in this roundup because the thought of having watched it for nothing made me feel actual physical grief symptoms.
This one was kind of nice. The movie was so flat and formulaic, it sent me into a kind of waking coma. It appeared to have received the minimum acceptable amount of effort from everyone involved. The actors delivered their lines with the enthusiasm of of a prisoner of war being forced to tape a renouncement of their home country at gunpoint. I think the monotony and beige festive glow of every scene might have hypnotized me. By this point, it was almost midnight, and I had been watching Christmas movies for almost 18 hours.
The main characters are a wedding planner, her cousin who is getting married, and a sexy PI who is the ex boyfriend of the bride and has been hanging out with the wedding planner for the last couple of weeks.
An American Carol was definitely the worst movie I watched during my day. But since it's only loosely tied to Christmas, I'm not sure it qualifies to receive the honor or Worst Christmas Movie of All Time (Within the Confines of This Fairly Lazy Experiment). Instead, I'm going to give that honor to Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas. For being technically bad, as a movie, but also for having the extremely questionable moral that buying Christmassy tat is more Christian than funding wells in Africa.
Sipping hot cocoa, baking holiday treats and singing off-key to Christmas carols are great ways to kick off the holiday season. But if you want to take the festivities up a notch, try streaming the best Christmas movies on Netflix.
Klaus, starring Jason Schwartzman, J.K. Simmons and Rashida Jones, is ranked as the most popular Christmas movie on the streaming platform, according to fan votes on IMDb. In this animated film, postman Jesper befriends toymaker Klaus and dismantles an age-old feud. Together, they embark on an adventure filled with kindness, friendship and holiday traditions.
Jennifer Garner and Ed Helms star as a married couple who are forced to put their holiday plans on hold when they accidentally swap bodies with their teenagers. Think Freaky Friday but with a Christmas twist.
Based on the book by John Green, Maureen Johnson and Lauren Myracle, Let It Snow follows a group of high school seniors whose lives intersect after a snowstorm hits their small town on Christmas Eve. Mysterious encounters, budding romances and impromptu parties ensue.
The sequel follows Amber and Richard one year after he secures the crown. But though the lovebirds are ready to exchange vows, it proves to be a challenge. While Amber begins to have doubts about becoming the next queen, Richard has to deal with a major political crisis that could threaten his kingdom.
This charming tale follows a matriarch who desperately wants her sons to settle down by getting married and having children. To get the ball rolling, she gives them some incentive by promising a house to the first son who ties the knot.
Think The Parent Trap, but with a more mature, modern-day twist and a bit of holiday cheer. Hudgens stars as the talented baker, Stacy DeNovo, and her royal doppelgnger, Margaret Delacourt. When the two discover that they look exactly alike, they come up with a clever plan to trade places during the holidays.
After her husband suddenly ends their relationship, Kate Conrad goes to Africa for a solo safari. She meets Derek Holliston and works with him to rescue a baby elephant, and when she extends her stay throughout the holidays, she realizes she might be falling for her new partner in crime.
Poppy, the queen of the Trolls, teams up with Branch and the Snack Pack to help her best friend celebrate the holidays. Kids will take a liking to the lovable characters, and the cast features an impressive lineup.
As Kelsey Wilson plans one of the most important weddings of her career, she crosses paths with Connor, a handsome private investigator who not only stirs up trouble, but also manages to steal her heart.
A young boy named Jules is surprised to learn that his grandfather is the real Santa Claus after finding a magical snow globe. But because of Santa's health issues, Jules has to help him deliver Christmas presents. The only problem? Jules wants nothing to do with the holiday.
In this follow-up to The Claus Family, Jules Claus has finally embraced Christmas again and is totally on board with helping his grandpa, Nol, during the holidays. However, plans change when he gets a special holiday wish from a young girl.
Feeling career burnout, a famous singer named Angelina travels to a small town in New York to grant a fan's wish. To her surprise, she not only gets the inspiration she needs to revamp her career, but she also finds love.
Produced by Shondaland, this insightful documentary follows the legendary Debbie Allen as she trains her talented students for the annual Hot Chocolate Nutcracker. This feel-good flick will definitely inspire you to do a few pirouettes.
After happily dating Tom for five months, Lisa is stunned to learn that he is obsessed with her least favorite holiday, Christmas. Worst yet, he still believes in Santa Claus. Could this be a sign that she should give Christmas another chance? Or is it time to part ways with Tom for good?
A chipper young elf who typically helps Santa with the Naughty or Nice list is tasked with a special new assignment: to restore a 9-year-old boy's belief in Christmas. This delightful 26-minute short will be a hit for the kids.
Ochmann stars as Chuy, a grumpy guy who gets cursed during Christmas time and wakes up a year in the future. Before long, he learns that he's doomed to relive Christmas Eve and deal with the consequences of his actions over and over again. But will he learn his lesson?
If you need a quick, feel-good watch that's similar to a cozy '90s sitcom, then you'll love the McKellan family. In this holiday special, M'Dear and her sisters prep for a church holiday pageant while grandpa teaches the kids a thing or two about the true meaning of Christmas.
90f70e40cf