Fightingkids Google Drive
Samantha Figueredo
Do you have any advice on how to handle discipline while in the car, particularly when siblings fight? As I see it, the options are limited. Time out can't be used. I try to prevent problems by making sure each child has his own entertainment (CDs, books, etc.). Also, I try to remember to have a discussion with the children before we leave as to what behavior is expected. Pulling over to the side of the road sometime helps for a short time, but it's not always practical to be pulling over multiple times and traffic conditions may not allow it. Help!
You say it isn't always practical (especially since you have to look for a safe place to pull over). Raising children (and taking time for training) is often inconvenient, but it is essential to get the long-term results we want with our children.
You also say it works some times for a short time. Pulling over some times and not others is the worst thing you can do to reinforce inappropriate behavior. When you pull over some times and not others, children get confused. They can't trust you to say what you mean and mean what you say. They learn to push for reactions. I promise that if you pull over a few times, consistently, you won't have to keep doing it because you have taught your children that you mean what you say. (More about this later.)
I'm guessing that the reason you think it is not practical is because (besides being inconvenient) it takes time and often causes lateness. Sometimes parents have to choose between being on time and taking time for training that is effective long-term.
So, during a calm time (perhaps during a family meeting), let your children know in advance that you will pull over if they fight and that you will start driving again as soon as they BOTH let you know they are ready to drive again. Ask, "What is your understanding of what I'm going to do when you fight?" Wait until they have both told you. Clarify if there is any misunderstanding. Then ask, "How will I know when you are ready for me to start driving again?" Wait until they both acknowledge that you need to hear it from both of them. Now you know they have heard you and that they understand what you are going to do.
Hundreds of parents have tried this method. They all report the same thing. After about three times of consistently pulling over (five times at the most), children stop testing because they know they can trust their parent to do what he or she said she will do. Then when they start to fight, all you have to do is start to pull over and they will say, "Okay, we'll stop." I hope you will join the hundreds of parents who have found this effective when they use all the guidelines.
Last school year when I would pick up my 5 year old daughter from kindergarten the first thing she would say to me after I would say hi, how was school? I missed you, I love you, etc. She would respond by asking me if I had brought a snack with me (we live 7 minutes from her school and I always provide a good lunch) and then she would start yelling at me at the top of her lungs for not having a snack for her. (During calm times I would encourage her to eat more of what was in her lunch box when I picked her up after school until we got home.) When the yelling started happening I wondered what had happened to my sweet daughter. I was pretty shocked. I would pull over when she would start yelling and I would get out of the car and wait. This is the first week of the new school year for her and this week she thought to eat left over food from her lunch box instead of yelling. If the yelling behavior reoccurs in addition to pulling over 'consistently' is there more I can do (or should I try something else entirely)?
I'm so glad you brought this up. We all need to be reminded that there is more than one tool, and that one tool doesn't work all the time with every child. There are a two more tools I suggest for your situation. 1) Validate her feelings. "You sound upset." Then let her have her feelings. In other words, don't keep validating. Letting her have her feelings means being quiet and letting her work through it. 2) Have regular family meetings. Then you could say, "I can see we have a problem. Would you like to put it on our family meeting agenda so we can find a solution together; or should I? If you go through your deck of Positive Discipline Tool cards, I'll bet you could find even more that might be helpful. Best wishes, Jane Nelsen
I love this idea. I have 11 and 9 year old boys that fight frequently. Often times, it will be the 11 year old who will hit his 9 year old brother. How do I handle this? Do I pull over and say nothing? It seems like there needs to be a consequence if it's only one sided.
Do your kids fight with each other in the car? Does it drive you crazy or make you angry? Learn how to put a stop to backseat bickering once and for all, so you can drive in peace and not dangerously distracted by your kids fighting in the car.
I turned the steering wheel hard to the right, slid to the side of the road, threw the car in park and turned off the music. The car rocked a little from the force but when my eyes flicked to the rearview mirror and I saw all three kids mouths wide open, I knew they were measuring the amount of trouble they were in.
When I pulled to the side of the road, I was fully prepared to eat the $15 it would cost me to miss hockey practice and sit in the car however long it took to teach the kids this lesson.
I had considered this solution but my kids would find a way to turn these foam core pieces into weapons or pull them apart into four thousand little pieces, not to mention possibly harmful if we get into an accident, and so I chose the alternative.
Being respectful and quiet in the car is acceptable and what is safest for everyone. It might mean this lesson is learnt the hard way so be prepared to follow through, but remember, the alternative is driving dangerously and risking an accident.
Let me be clear that this is no fault of transportation organizations. We live in a reactive society where, if you bring up crisis before it occurs, you are considered paranoid or overthinking situations. In many cases, no training was ever considered in this arena for bus drivers even though the drivers themselves would tell you that they have been dealing with progressively more serious violent incidents on their buses for many years now.
I have always believed that if you want to know about how someone feels about their safety in their job, you should ask them and not the people they work for. Performing a climate survey of your drivers is very important.
Let me make it clear that I am no lawyer, and I have no desire to be one. But I have testified as a use-of-force expert numerous times in superior courts in Washington state in various types of trials, so I do have some knowledge of when you are allowed to use force and when you are not required, legally, to do so.
In fact, given the level of force the three suspects were using on the 13-year-old victim, I could see where if Mr. Moody had used force to stop the suspects, he would have been scrutinized for using too much physical force. Then the media would have asked what physical force training he had received to qualify him to use that level of force!
We need to educate the public by making this incident with Mr. Moody more personal to them. Would the public have been just as enraged if the 64-year-old driver had been their mother or father? Would the prosecutor expect his older father or mother to engage these extremely violent youths that were perpetrating this act of violence? Of course not!
When you speak to someone about this incident, try to get them to empathize with you about the many challenges you face and the fact that almost every violent incident on your bus will probably involve someone younger, faster and stronger than you who is not required to act within a code of ethics or professionalism. When we can start doing that, I believe that the public, and the media, will be more empathetic to the risks that bus drivers are exposed to every day in this country.
Train for reality
It is time that bus drivers started to receive more reality-based training to prepare them for situations exactly like this and the Alabama hostage situation. We as a society are seeing acts of violence being carried out against schools, universities and bus drivers that we would have never fathomed 20 years ago.
God bless our school bus drivers for serving in one of the most dangerous jobs in the field of education and for having the best statistics in the country for all modes of transportation. You should be proud of what you do and how you are doing it. Thank you for choosing to be a school bus driver.
Benefiting The Life Ring Foundation, Funding the Pediatric Hematology & Oncology unit as a part of the new cancer center, in partnership with Carilion Clinic. See full details here: _uyEYtkdHYiTf5kcC/view?usp=drive_link
That's the question that I got asked this past week by a Los Angeles radio station. Producers there were reacting to the latest viral video of a brawl at Disneyland. This time, park guests went at it in front of the Storybook Land Canal Boats.
Frequent Disneyland visitors know that narrow pathway between Storybook Land and the Mad Tea Party as one of the park's more notorious pinch-points. It's pretty much impossible to walk through there without at least bumping shoulders with someone on many days. Throw parked strollers into the mix there, and the crowding gets even worse.
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