1. Hilarious job Interview 2. I Am Joe’s Stomach 3. This is Called Beautiful Photography...4. India In Year : 2030
33 views
Skip to first unread message
Ramanuj Asawa
May 4, 2011, 2:01:54 AM5/4/11
to NGP_PROF_...@googlegroups.com
If you do not want to receive mails from the group simply type "UNSUBSCRIBE" and mail to me on my personal mail id : asawar...@gmail.com.
दर्द निवारण कि यात्रा में हमारी मुलाकात प्रति दिन कई नए लोगों से होती है. हमें बहुत कुच्छ सीखने को भी मिलता है. पिछले दिनों श्री विलास जी परांजपे से मुलाकात हुई. वे अपने सुपुत्र के CS Foundation Course के फॉर्म पर मेरे हस्ताक्षर करवाने आये थे. मैं उस समय अपनी शाम की सैर पर था और लता जी किसी करणवश घर पर थी. फ़ोन आने पर मैंने बताया की मैं दस मिनट में पहुंचता हूँ और तब तक उन्हें दर्द निवारण का brochure पढ़ने देने के लिए कहा. घर पहुंचा और फॉर्म पर हस्ताक्षर किये. विलास जी ने हमारे दर्द निवारण के कार्य के लिए हमें साधुवाद दिया और दर्द निवारण पद्धति सीखने की इच्छा जाहिर की और हमने उन्हें सिखा दिया. बात चीत के दौरान उन्होंने बताया की वह homeopathy द्वारा लोगों का मुफ्त इलाज करते हैं. कुशल को इस बीच खांसी बहुत आ रही थी. वह प्राणायाम नहीं कर रहा है और acupressure भी बहुत कम लेता है. तो हमने विलास जी से बात की. वह स्वयं हमारे घर आ गए और कुशल के लिए दवा दी. जिस किसी को भी उनसे दवा लेनी हो उनसे फ़ोन 94221-12022 पर संपर्क करके उनसे मिल सकते हैं.
बातों के दौरान विलास जी ने "I am Joe's Body" नामक पुस्तक का उल्लेख किया और बताया की Reader's Digest ने काफी वर्षों पहले इसे छापा था. मैंने google किया और एक वेबसाइट पर अलग अलग अंगों के कार्यकलापों की जानकारी मिल गई. अब हम हर दिन एक अंग के बारे जानकारी प्रति दिन मेल में सम्मिलित कर रहे हैं. कल हमने पैर के बारे में जानकारी भेजी थी. आज की मेल में पेट के बारे में जानकारी भेज रहे हैं.
Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it. What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly in 12th. I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I cannot invest so much of money". (The baap actually said - "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.
Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate : Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know , these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments..It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.
Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.
Interviewer : Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate: No, no.. I am talking about Exams!!
Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when I flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative ..
Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: He he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education itself was so much of pain!!
Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)
Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.
Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!
Interviewer : Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate : Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.
Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the times they are in pipeline!
Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.
Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like - 'Showstoppers', 'hotfixes', 'SEI-CMM', 'quality', 'versioncontrol', 'deadlines', 'Customer Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!
Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe . But considering the fact that there is a world cup in West Indies in 2007,I don't mind going there in that period . As you can see I am modest and don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?
Interviewer: He he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. :-)) We look forward to working with you .. welcome to Infosys :-)
http://www.indiaonrent.com/view/j/joke-interview-at-infosys.html
I Am Joe’s Stomach
By J.D. Ratcliff
You may remember Joe, the man I work for. He’s 46, happily married, hardworking, typical of dozens of your friends. Some time ago, one of my neighbors, Joe’s heart, told his story in The Reader’s Digest.* I am Joe’s stomach. Here is my story.
Joe frets about me more than about any other organ in his body. He thinks I am terribly important. Actually, I am mostly just a convenience -a food reservoir that permits Joe to get by on three meals a day, instead of the half-dozen or more he would need without me. So far as digestion is concerned, the small intestine is the real champ. I work on protein, breaking it down into polypeptides, but even here the final job is done by the intestine, which also takes care of carbohydrates, fats, and other foods.
I’m afraid I’m not a very inspiring sight. I’m glossy pink outside. Inside, I look like folds of glistening velvet. Tucked up in the abdomen at the lower rib line, I resemble a deflated balloon when I’m empty. When I’m full, I slant across the body, big at top, small at bottom, shaped roughly like a bulbous letter J. My capacity is a little under two quarts. Joe’s Newfoundland dog can hold three times as much.
Although I am not as important as Joe thinks, I do perform a number of jobs that make life more pleasant for him. My lining contains some 35 million glands which may secrete about three quarts of gastric juice per day -mainly hydrochloric acid. The acid serves to activate another of my secretions -the enzyme pepsin, which starts protein digestion. Without pepsin, Joe would have a hard time with that steak he loves so much. My glands secrete other enzymes as well. One, for example, clots milk, converting it into easily digestible curds and whey.
Everyone thinks of me as a violent churn, which manhandles everything that Joe swallows. Not so. As Joe eats dinner, the food is deposited one layer as a time: the shrimp cocktail first; then the meat, potatoes, and vegetables; then the apple pie. I start work on the shrimps that lie against my wall. My muscular contractions, sweeping wave-like from top to bottom, mix them thoroughly with digestive juices. Pretty soon they are a thick gruel. Gradually, I work this gruel down toward the pyloric valve, which opens into the duodenum, the foot-long first part of the small intestine.
This is a danger spot. If any large amount of gastric juice is dumped into the duodenum, it eats its way into the wall. That’s why this is the commonest site of ulcers. Fortunately for Joe, my pyloric valve lets food through in little squirts -no more than can be instantly neutralized by the normally alkaline duodenum.
The mashed potatoes take me only a few minutes to handle. Meat takes longer, and leafy vegetables still longer. How long? There is enormous variation, and much depends on Joe’s mood. But four hours will probably be average for the meal described. If spinach, however, is included, it may stay around as long as 24 hours.
Fatty meals pose special problems. Suppose that at 7a.m. Joe eats a breakfast of eggs scrambled in butter and cream, bacon, and well-buttered toast. This excess of fat triggers the duodenum to produce a hormone which slows my muscular contractions -probably in self-protection. It can’t handle such a big load of fat all at once. As a result, when Joe sits down to lunch, I may still be working on as much as a fourth of his breakfast.
Another thing that slows me is cold. If Joe eats a big dish of ice cream, I can cool down as much as 20 degrees from a normal 99 F., and everything comes to a halt for the half-hour it takes me to warm up again. But no harm is done. After all, I’m in no particular hurry.
In fact, I lead a pretty relaxed life. While liver, heart, lungs, kidneys keep at it 24 hours a day, I can finish my work on a normal dinner by the time Joe goes to bed. So I go to sleep when he does.
A question arises: Since I digest other proteins, why don’t I digest myself? (After all, I handle tripe quite nicely, and that is cow’s stomach.) The reason is that my delicate lining is coated with a protective mucus. Scrape it away, and I turn cannibal.
I have another remarkable attribute: the way I reflect Joe’s moods. When his face turns red with anger, I turn red. When he gets pale with fright, I get pale, too. When he gets excited at a football fame, I react with vigorous contractions-my secretions may tripe in volume. And when Joe smells a chop broiling or sees delicious-looking pastries in a bakeshop, I go into action. Joe calls these contractions hunger pains, and he may be right.
I share Joe’s depressions, too-my muscular waves all but stop, and so does secretion of gastric juice. Out of habit, however, Joe continues to eat. And what he swallows just sits there, causing distension and discomfort. In times like these, Joe would do better not to eat at all.
Stressful situations produce a different problem: they hoist acid production, sometimes to the point of causing an ulcer. Whenever Joe feels under stress, he would be wise to shift eating habits. Eating a number of small, light meals is the best way to control excess acid. Actually, Joe had a minor ulcer one, and didn’t even know it. This happens to many people. Joe was in college and worried about exams. This shot my acid production up, and the acid finally found a tiny weak spot in the mucus. Joe had a few twinges of pain, attributing them to sketchy eating. But once exams were over, he calmed down, acid secretion dropped, and I got a chance to pour out mucus and heal my wound.
Aside from ulcers and cancer, very few things ever go seriously wrong with me. I can heal a scratch from a fishbone in 24 hours; on the skin, the same wound might take a week to heal. Put a piece of tainted meat in distilled water, and microbes go merrily to work. Put the same piece of meat in my gastric juices, and many of the microbes perish in quick order. The main things that Joe has to worry about are certain microbes that are resistant to my digestive juices. That’s why Joe should watch what he eats when he travels in countries with poor sanitation.
Some things do irritate me: pepper, particularly; and, to a lesser degree, mustard and horseradish. I get fiery red and become engorged when these things touch my lining. My acid production is stepped up by coffee, nicotine and alcohol-a couple of martinis may double the secretion. That’s why ulcer patients must lay off these things. I’m not asking Joe to give them up, but he could make life pleasanter for me-and I could do a better job for him-if he would moderate his drinking and smoking. And if he feels he needs all that coffee, he could buffer it by using cream.
Medicine? Joe loves to take it whether I need it or not. I almost never do. In fact, almost all drugs irritate me. Even in a reasonably healthy stomach like me, too much aspirin, for example, can start little pinpoint hemorrhages. But they’re not serious-if the process isn’t repeated too often.
Another of Joe’s sovereign remedies is bicarbonate of soda for “acid stomach.” But I wish he wouldn’t over do it. For soda is rapidly absorbed into the bloodstream. Taken too often, it can lead to alkalosis (far more to be feared than acidosis), which places a fearful burden on the kidneys.
Joe blames me for a lot that I’m not guilty of. Like those embarrassing rumbles his innards make from time to time. That noise comes from the intestines. I’m not a gas generator the way they are. When Joe gets burpy, it is mostly because he has just had a carbonated drink or because he swallowed air when he gulped his food. If he took his time and chewed properly, this wouldn’t happen.
When Joe eats unwisely, or perhaps takes on too much alcohol, I have a familiar means of housecleaning: vomiting. Curiously enough, the signal to get rid of the offending mass doesn’t come from me. It comes from the brain, and sets a pretty violent chain of events under way. Abdominal and chest muscles put the squeeze on me, and the esophagus opens wide. You know the rest.
“Heartburn,” that hot spot of pain near the breastbone, is something else. If Joe has, say, drunk a little too much beer, the pyloric valve doesn’t open properly and I can’t empty. He burps up a gas bubble, which rises and carries along some of my irritating hydrochloric acid to the lower gullet. That’s what heartburn is-nothing serious.
There’s one rule that everyone should follow: If any sharp pain that seems to emanate from me lasts over an hour, call a doctor! Too many people die of heart attacks thinking they are merely stomach upsets. As a matter of fact, many pains seem to have me as a source, particularly, gallbladder pains. So play it safe-discomfort in a normal stomach usually goes away rapidly.
I’ve been called the most abused organ in the body-and probably I am. But I’m built for abuse. If Joe will give me a modicum of consideration, I can pretty well promise him a lifetime of trouble-free service. Let any of my neighboring organs match that offer!
*See “I am Joe’s Heart,” The Reader’s Digest, April ’67.
Ratcliff, J.D. “I am Joe’s Stomach.” Reader’s Digest. 92. 533. (1968): 111-114. May 1969
From: Sandipan Biswas <sandip...@gmail.com>
India In Year : 2030
Place : IBM , USA
(Two Americans Talking)
Currency Conversion Rate :
INR 1 Rs = USD $ 100
Alex: Hi John, you didn't come yesterday to office?
John: Yeah, I was in Indian Embassy for stamping.
Alex: Oh really, what happened, I heard that nowadays it has become very strict.
John: Yeah, but I managed to get it.
Alex: How long it took to get it stamped?
John: Oh, it was nasty man, long queue. Bill Gates was standing in front of me and they played with him like anything. That's why it got delayed. I went there at 2 AM itself and waited and returned by 4 PM.
Alex: Really? In India , it is a matter of an hour to get stamped for USA
John: Yeah, but that is because who in India will be interested in coming to USA man, their economy has been booming.
Alex: So, when are you leaving?
John: Anytime, after receiving my tickets from the client in India and you know, I will be getting a chance to fly Air-India. Sort of dream come true.
Alex: How long are you going to stay in India .
John: What do you mean by how long? I will be settled in India , my company has promised me that they will process my Hara Patta ..(green card)
Alex: Really, lucky person man, it is very difficult to get a Hara Patta in India .
John: Yeah, that's why, I am planning to marry an Indian girl there.
Alex: But you can find lots of US girls in Hyderabad , Bangalore and Mumbai .
John: But, I prefer Indian girls because they are beautiful and cultured.
Alex: Where did you get the offer, Bangalore ?
John: Yeah, salary is good there, but cost of living is quite high, it is Rs. 2000/- for a single room accommodation.
Alex: I see, that's too much for US people, Rs.1/- =$100/-. Oh God! what about in Hyderabad , Mumbai?
John: No idea, but it is less than what we have in Bangalore . It is like the world headquarters of software
Alex: I heard, almost all the Indians are having one personal Robot for help.
John: You can get a BMW car for Rs. 5000/-, and a personal Robot for less than Rs.7500/-. But my dream is to purchase Ambassador, which costs Rs.2 ,00,000/- but has got a lovely design.
Alex: By the way, who is your client?
John: Subbarao and Apparao Associates, a pure Indian company, specialising in Embedded Software.
Alex: Oh, really, lucky to work in a pure Indian company. They are really intelligent and unlike American Bodyshoppers who have opened their Fly-by-night outfits in India . Indian companies pay you in full even when you are on bench.
My friend Paul Allen, it seems, used his bench time to visit Bihar, the most liveable place in India , probably world. There you have full freedom and no restrictions. You can do whatever you want! I wonder how that state has perfected that system.
John: Yeah man!, you are right. I hope our Americaalso follows their footsteps.
Alex: How are you going to cope with their language?
John: Why not? From my school days I have been learning Hindi as my first language here at New York . At the Consulate they tested my proficiency in Hindi and were quite impressed by my cent per cent score in TOHIL i.e. Test of Hindi as International Language.
Alex: So, you are going to have fun there.
John: Yeah, I will be travelling in the world's fastest train, world's largest theme park, and the famous Bollywood where you can see actors like, Hrithik, Shah Rukh Khan and all. Esselworld is also near Bollywood.
Alex: You know, the PM is scheduled to visit US next year, he may then relax the number of visas.
John: That's true. Last month, Narayana Murthy visited White House and donated Rs. 2000/- for infrastructure development at aSiliconValleyand has promised more if we follow the model of High-Tech City of Bangalore . Bill Gates also got a chance of meeting him. Very lucky person.
Alex: But, Indian government is planning to split Narayanamurthy' s Infosys.
John: He is a hard worker man, he can build any number of Infosys like this. Every minute he is getting Rs. 1000/-. It seems, if you keep all his money converted as Rs. 100/- notes you can reach Pluto.
Alex: OK, Good Luck John.
John: Same to you Alex. And don't go to Consulate in a "Kurta Pyjama" because they will think you are too Indianised and may doubt you will never come back and hence your Non-Immigrant Visa may get rejected. But don't forget to say " Namaste, aap kaise hai " to the Visa officer at Window 5. It seems he likes that and will not give you a visa if you don't greet him that way.
http://www.indiaonrent.com/view/i/india-in-year-2030.html
--
Warm Regards and Best Wishes.
CS Ramanuj Asawa
Company Secretary by profession, Acupressure therapist by hobby, Human by nature, trying to alleviate the pains of suffering humanity.
cell 094228-03662
email:asawar...@gmail.com
दर्द निवारण कि यात्रा में हमारी मुलाकात प्रति दिन कई नए लोगों से होती है. हमें बहुत कुच्छ सीखने को भी मिलता है. पिछले दिनों श्री विलास जी परांजपे से मुलाकात हुई. वे अपने सुपुत्र के CS Foundation Course के फॉर्म पर मेरे हस्ताक्षर करवाने आये थे. मैं उस समय अपनी शाम की सैर पर था और लता जी किसी करणवश घर पर थी. फ़ोन आने पर मैंने बताया की मैं दस मिनट में पहुंचता हूँ और तब तक उन्हें दर्द निवारण का brochure पढ़ने देने के लिए कहा. घर पहुंचा और फॉर्म पर हस्ताक्षर किये. विलास जी ने हमारे दर्द निवारण के कार्य के लिए हमें साधुवाद दिया और दर्द निवारण पद्धति सीखने की इच्छा जाहिर की और हमने उन्हें सिखा दिया. बात चीत के दौरान उन्होंने बताया की वह homeopathy द्वारा लोगों का मुफ्त इलाज करते हैं. कुशल को इस बीच खांसी बहुत आ रही थी. वह प्राणायाम नहीं कर रहा है और acupressure भी बहुत कम लेता है. तो हमने विलास जी से बात की. वह स्वयं हमारे घर आ गए और कुशल के लिए दवा दी. जिस किसी को भी उनसे दवा लेनी हो उनसे फ़ोन 94221-12022 पर संपर्क करके उनसे मिल सकते हैं.
बातों के दौरान विलास जी ने "I am Joe's Body" नामक पुस्तक का उल्लेख किया और बताया की Reader's Digest ने काफी वर्षों पहले इसे छापा था. मैंने google किया और एक वेबसाइट पर अलग अलग अंगों के कार्यकलापों की जानकारी मिल गई. अब हम हर दिन एक अंग के बारे जानकारी प्रति दिन मेल में सम्मिलित कर रहे हैं. कल हमने पैर के बारे में जानकारी भेजी थी. आज की मेल में पेट के बारे में जानकारी भेज रहे हैं.
Hilarious job Interview
Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Candidate: I am Kondesh Kulkarni. I did my Tele Communication engineering from BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology.Interviewer: Tell me about yourself.
Interviewer: BabanRao Dhole-Patil Institute of Technology? I had never heard of this college before!
Candidate: Great! Even I had not heard of it before getting an admission into it. What happened is - due to cricket world cup I scored badly in 12th. I was getting a paid seat in a good college. But my father said (I prefer to call him 'baap') - "I cannot invest so much of money". (The baap actually said - "I will never waste so much of money on you"). So I had to join this college. Frankly speaking this name - BabanRao Dhole-Patil, can at the most be related to a Shetakari Mahavidyalaya.
Interviewer: ok, ok. It seems you have taken 6 years to complete your engineering.
Candidate : Actually I tried my best to finish it in 4 years. But you know , these cricket matches and football world cup, and tennis tournaments..It is difficult to concentrate. So I flunked in 2nd and 3rd year. So in all I took 4 + 2 = 7 years.
Interviewer: But 4+2 is 6.
Candidate: Oh, is it? You know I always had KT in maths. But I will try to keep this in mind. 4+2 is 6, good, thanks. These cricket matches really affect exams a lot. I think they should ban it.
Interviewer : Good to know that you want cricket matches to be banned.
Candidate: No, no.. I am talking about Exams!!
Interviewer: Ok, What is your biggest achievement in life?
Candidate: Obviously, completing my Engineering. My mom never thought I would complete it. In fact, when I flunked in 3rd year, she was looking for a job for me in BEST (Bus corporation in Maharashtra) through some relative ..
Interviewer: Do you have any plans of higher study?
Candidate: He he he.. Are you kidding? Completing 'lower' education itself was so much of pain!!
Interviewer: Let's talk about technical stuff. On which platforms have you worked?
Candidate: Well, I work at SEEPZ, so you can say Andheri is my current platform. Earlier I was at Vashi center. So Vashi was my platform then. As you can see I have experience of different platforms! (Vashi and Andheri are the places in Mumbai)
Interviewer: And which languages have you used?
Candidate: Marathi, Hindi, English. By the way, I can keep quiet in German, French, Russian and many other languages.
Interviewer: Why VC is better than VB?
Candidate: It is a common sense - C comes after B. So VC is a higher version than VB. I heard very soon they are coming up with a new language VD!
Interviewer : Do you know anything about Assembly Language?
Candidate : Well, I have not heard of it. But I guess, this is the language our ministers and MPs use in assembly.
Interviewer: What is your general project experience?
Candidate: My general experience about projects is - most of the times they are in pipeline!
Interviewer: Can you tell me about your current job?
Candidate: Sure, Currently I am working for Bata InfoTech ltd. Since joining BIL, I am on Bench. Before joining BIL, I used to think that Bench was another software like Windows.
Interviewer: Do you have any project management experience?
Candidate: No, but I guess it shouldn't be difficult. I know Word and Excel. I can talk a lot. I know how to dial for International phone call and use speaker facility. And very important - I know few words like - 'Showstoppers', 'hotfixes', 'SEI-CMM', 'quality', 'versioncontrol', 'deadlines', 'Customer Satisfaction' etc. Also I can blame others for my mistakes!
Interviewer: What are your expectations from our company?
Candidate: Not much.
1. I should at least get 40,000 in hand.
2. I would like to work on a live EJB project. But it should not have deadlines. I personally feel that pressure affects natural talent.
3. I believe in flexi-timings.
4. Dress code is against basic freedom, so I would like to wear t-shirt and jeans.
5. We must have sat-sun off. I will suggest wednesday off also, so as to avoid breakdown due to overwork.
6. I would like to go abroad 3 times a year on short term preferably 1-2 months) assignments. Personally I prefer US, Australia and Europe . But considering the fact that there is a world cup in West Indies in 2007,I don't mind going there in that period . As you can see I am modest and don't have many expectations. So can I assume my selection?
Interviewer: He he he ha ha ha. Thanks for your interest in our organization. In fact I was never entertained so much before. :-)) We look forward to working with you .. welcome to Infosys :-)
http://www.indiaonrent.com/view/j/joke-interview-at-infosys.html
I Am Joe’s Stomach
By J.D. Ratcliff
You may remember Joe, the man I work for. He’s 46, happily married, hardworking, typical of dozens of your friends. Some time ago, one of my neighbors, Joe’s heart, told his story in The Reader’s Digest.* I am Joe’s stomach. Here is my story.
Joe frets about me more than about any other organ in his body. He thinks I am terribly important. Actually, I am mostly just a convenience -a food reservoir that permits Joe to get by on three meals a day, instead of the half-dozen or more he would need without me. So far as digestion is concerned, the small intestine is the real champ. I work on protein, breaking it down into polypeptides, but even here the final job is done by the intestine, which also takes care of carbohydrates, fats, and other foods.
I’m afraid I’m not a very inspiring sight. I’m glossy pink outside. Inside, I look like folds of glistening velvet. Tucked up in the abdomen at the lower rib line, I resemble a deflated balloon when I’m empty. When I’m full, I slant across the body, big at top, small at bottom, shaped roughly like a bulbous letter J. My capacity is a little under two quarts. Joe’s Newfoundland dog can hold three times as much.
Although I am not as important as Joe thinks, I do perform a number of jobs that make life more pleasant for him. My lining contains some 35 million glands which may secrete about three quarts of gastric juice per day -mainly hydrochloric acid. The acid serves to activate another of my secretions -the enzyme pepsin, which starts protein digestion. Without pepsin, Joe would have a hard time with that steak he loves so much. My glands secrete other enzymes as well. One, for example, clots milk, converting it into easily digestible curds and whey.
Everyone thinks of me as a violent churn, which manhandles everything that Joe swallows. Not so. As Joe eats dinner, the food is deposited one layer as a time: the shrimp cocktail first; then the meat, potatoes, and vegetables; then the apple pie. I start work on the shrimps that lie against my wall. My muscular contractions, sweeping wave-like from top to bottom, mix them thoroughly with digestive juices. Pretty soon they are a thick gruel. Gradually, I work this gruel down toward the pyloric valve, which opens into the duodenum, the foot-long first part of the small intestine.
This is a danger spot. If any large amount of gastric juice is dumped into the duodenum, it eats its way into the wall. That’s why this is the commonest site of ulcers. Fortunately for Joe, my pyloric valve lets food through in little squirts -no more than can be instantly neutralized by the normally alkaline duodenum.
The mashed potatoes take me only a few minutes to handle. Meat takes longer, and leafy vegetables still longer. How long? There is enormous variation, and much depends on Joe’s mood. But four hours will probably be average for the meal described. If spinach, however, is included, it may stay around as long as 24 hours.
Fatty meals pose special problems. Suppose that at 7a.m. Joe eats a breakfast of eggs scrambled in butter and cream, bacon, and well-buttered toast. This excess of fat triggers the duodenum to produce a hormone which slows my muscular contractions -probably in self-protection. It can’t handle such a big load of fat all at once. As a result, when Joe sits down to lunch, I may still be working on as much as a fourth of his breakfast.
Another thing that slows me is cold. If Joe eats a big dish of ice cream, I can cool down as much as 20 degrees from a normal 99 F., and everything comes to a halt for the half-hour it takes me to warm up again. But no harm is done. After all, I’m in no particular hurry.
In fact, I lead a pretty relaxed life. While liver, heart, lungs, kidneys keep at it 24 hours a day, I can finish my work on a normal dinner by the time Joe goes to bed. So I go to sleep when he does.
A question arises: Since I digest other proteins, why don’t I digest myself? (After all, I handle tripe quite nicely, and that is cow’s stomach.) The reason is that my delicate lining is coated with a protective mucus. Scrape it away, and I turn cannibal.
I have another remarkable attribute: the way I reflect Joe’s moods. When his face turns red with anger, I turn red. When he gets pale with fright, I get pale, too. When he gets excited at a football fame, I react with vigorous contractions-my secretions may tripe in volume. And when Joe smells a chop broiling or sees delicious-looking pastries in a bakeshop, I go into action. Joe calls these contractions hunger pains, and he may be right.
I share Joe’s depressions, too-my muscular waves all but stop, and so does secretion of gastric juice. Out of habit, however, Joe continues to eat. And what he swallows just sits there, causing distension and discomfort. In times like these, Joe would do better not to eat at all.
Stressful situations produce a different problem: they hoist acid production, sometimes to the point of causing an ulcer. Whenever Joe feels under stress, he would be wise to shift eating habits. Eating a number of small, light meals is the best way to control excess acid. Actually, Joe had a minor ulcer one, and didn’t even know it. This happens to many people. Joe was in college and worried about exams. This shot my acid production up, and the acid finally found a tiny weak spot in the mucus. Joe had a few twinges of pain, attributing them to sketchy eating. But once exams were over, he calmed down, acid secretion dropped, and I got a chance to pour out mucus and heal my wound.
Aside from ulcers and cancer, very few things ever go seriously wrong with me. I can heal a scratch from a fishbone in 24 hours; on the skin, the same wound might take a week to heal. Put a piece of tainted meat in distilled water, and microbes go merrily to work. Put the same piece of meat in my gastric juices, and many of the microbes perish in quick order. The main things that Joe has to worry about are certain microbes that are resistant to my digestive juices. That’s why Joe should watch what he eats when he travels in countries with poor sanitation.
Some things do irritate me: pepper, particularly; and, to a lesser degree, mustard and horseradish. I get fiery red and become engorged when these things touch my lining. My acid production is stepped up by coffee, nicotine and alcohol-a couple of martinis may double the secretion. That’s why ulcer patients must lay off these things. I’m not asking Joe to give them up, but he could make life pleasanter for me-and I could do a better job for him-if he would moderate his drinking and smoking. And if he feels he needs all that coffee, he could buffer it by using cream.
Medicine? Joe loves to take it whether I need it or not. I almost never do. In fact, almost all drugs irritate me. Even in a reasonably healthy stomach like me, too much aspirin, for example, can start little pinpoint hemorrhages. But they’re not serious-if the process isn’t repeated too often.
Another of Joe’s sovereign remedies is bicarbonate of soda for “acid stomach.” But I wish he wouldn’t over do it. For soda is rapidly absorbed into the bloodstream. Taken too often, it can lead to alkalosis (far more to be feared than acidosis), which places a fearful burden on the kidneys.
Joe blames me for a lot that I’m not guilty of. Like those embarrassing rumbles his innards make from time to time. That noise comes from the intestines. I’m not a gas generator the way they are. When Joe gets burpy, it is mostly because he has just had a carbonated drink or because he swallowed air when he gulped his food. If he took his time and chewed properly, this wouldn’t happen.
When Joe eats unwisely, or perhaps takes on too much alcohol, I have a familiar means of housecleaning: vomiting. Curiously enough, the signal to get rid of the offending mass doesn’t come from me. It comes from the brain, and sets a pretty violent chain of events under way. Abdominal and chest muscles put the squeeze on me, and the esophagus opens wide. You know the rest.
“Heartburn,” that hot spot of pain near the breastbone, is something else. If Joe has, say, drunk a little too much beer, the pyloric valve doesn’t open properly and I can’t empty. He burps up a gas bubble, which rises and carries along some of my irritating hydrochloric acid to the lower gullet. That’s what heartburn is-nothing serious.
There’s one rule that everyone should follow: If any sharp pain that seems to emanate from me lasts over an hour, call a doctor! Too many people die of heart attacks thinking they are merely stomach upsets. As a matter of fact, many pains seem to have me as a source, particularly, gallbladder pains. So play it safe-discomfort in a normal stomach usually goes away rapidly.
I’ve been called the most abused organ in the body-and probably I am. But I’m built for abuse. If Joe will give me a modicum of consideration, I can pretty well promise him a lifetime of trouble-free service. Let any of my neighboring organs match that offer!
*See “I am Joe’s Heart,” The Reader’s Digest, April ’67.
Ratcliff, J.D. “I am Joe’s Stomach.” Reader’s Digest. 92. 533. (1968): 111-114. May 1969
From: Sandipan Biswas <sandip...@gmail.com>
Place : IBM , USA
(Two Americans Talking)
Currency Conversion Rate :
INR 1 Rs = USD $ 100
Alex: Hi John, you didn't come yesterday to office?
John: Yeah, I was in Indian Embassy for stamping.
Alex: Oh really, what happened, I heard that nowadays it has become very strict.
John: Yeah, but I managed to get it.
Alex: How long it took to get it stamped?
John: Oh, it was nasty man, long queue. Bill Gates was standing in front of me and they played with him like anything. That's why it got delayed. I went there at 2 AM itself and waited and returned by 4 PM.
Alex: Really? In India , it is a matter of an hour to get stamped for USA
John: Yeah, but that is because who in India will be interested in coming to USA man, their economy has been booming.
Alex: So, when are you leaving?
John: Anytime, after receiving my tickets from the client in India and you know, I will be getting a chance to fly Air-India. Sort of dream come true.
Alex: How long are you going to stay in India .
John: What do you mean by how long? I will be settled in India , my company has promised me that they will process my Hara Patta ..(green card)
Alex: Really, lucky person man, it is very difficult to get a Hara Patta in India .
John: Yeah, that's why, I am planning to marry an Indian girl there.
Alex: But you can find lots of US girls in Hyderabad , Bangalore and Mumbai .
John: But, I prefer Indian girls because they are beautiful and cultured.
Alex: Where did you get the offer, Bangalore ?
John: Yeah, salary is good there, but cost of living is quite high, it is Rs. 2000/- for a single room accommodation.
Alex: I see, that's too much for US people, Rs.1/- =$100/-. Oh God! what about in Hyderabad , Mumbai?
John: No idea, but it is less than what we have in Bangalore . It is like the world headquarters of software
Alex: I heard, almost all the Indians are having one personal Robot for help.
John: You can get a BMW car for Rs. 5000/-, and a personal Robot for less than Rs.7500/-. But my dream is to purchase Ambassador, which costs Rs.2 ,00,000/- but has got a lovely design.
Alex: By the way, who is your client?
John: Subbarao and Apparao Associates, a pure Indian company, specialising in Embedded Software.
Alex: Oh, really, lucky to work in a pure Indian company. They are really intelligent and unlike American Bodyshoppers who have opened their Fly-by-night outfits in India . Indian companies pay you in full even when you are on bench.
My friend Paul Allen, it seems, used his bench time to visit Bihar, the most liveable place in India , probably world. There you have full freedom and no restrictions. You can do whatever you want! I wonder how that state has perfected that system.
John: Yeah man!, you are right. I hope our Americaalso follows their footsteps.
Alex: How are you going to cope with their language?
John: Why not? From my school days I have been learning Hindi as my first language here at New York . At the Consulate they tested my proficiency in Hindi and were quite impressed by my cent per cent score in TOHIL i.e. Test of Hindi as International Language.
Alex: So, you are going to have fun there.
John: Yeah, I will be travelling in the world's fastest train, world's largest theme park, and the famous Bollywood where you can see actors like, Hrithik, Shah Rukh Khan and all. Esselworld is also near Bollywood.
Alex: You know, the PM is scheduled to visit US next year, he may then relax the number of visas.
John: That's true. Last month, Narayana Murthy visited White House and donated Rs. 2000/- for infrastructure development at aSiliconValleyand has promised more if we follow the model of High-Tech City of Bangalore . Bill Gates also got a chance of meeting him. Very lucky person.
Alex: But, Indian government is planning to split Narayanamurthy' s Infosys.
John: He is a hard worker man, he can build any number of Infosys like this. Every minute he is getting Rs. 1000/-. It seems, if you keep all his money converted as Rs. 100/- notes you can reach Pluto.
Alex: OK, Good Luck John.
John: Same to you Alex. And don't go to Consulate in a "Kurta Pyjama" because they will think you are too Indianised and may doubt you will never come back and hence your Non-Immigrant Visa may get rejected. But don't forget to say " Namaste, aap kaise hai " to the Visa officer at Window 5. It seems he likes that and will not give you a visa if you don't greet him that way.
--
Warm Regards and Best Wishes.
CS Ramanuj Asawa
Company Secretary by profession, Acupressure therapist by hobby, Human by nature, trying to alleviate the pains of suffering humanity.
cell 094228-03662
email:asawar...@gmail.com
http://groups.google.co.in/group/ngp_prof_thinktank
http://painrelieffoundation.com
http://ramanujasawa.blogspot.com/
#205, Himalaya Enclave, 1, Shivajinagar,
NAGPUR 440010
Visit for pain relief/ training with prior Appointment
Mon - Fri 8 am to 9.30 am
ॐ सर्वे भवन्तु सुखिनः, सर्वे सन्तु निरामयः
सर्वे भद्राणि पश्यन्तु, मा कश्चिद दुखभाग भवेत्.
May all be happy. May all enjoy health and freedom from disease.
May all have prosperity and good luck. May none suffer or fall on evil days.
http://painrelieffoundation.com
http://ramanujasawa.blogspot.com/
#205, Himalaya Enclave, 1, Shivajinagar,
NAGPUR 440010
Visit for pain relief/ training with prior Appointment
Mon - Fri 8 am to 9.30 am
ॐ सर्वे भवन्तु सुखिनः, सर्वे सन्तु निरामयः
सर्वे भद्राणि पश्यन्तु, मा कश्चिद दुखभाग भवेत्.
May all be happy. May all enjoy health and freedom from disease.
May all have prosperity and good luck. May none suffer or fall on evil days.
Reply all
Reply to author
Forward
0 new messages