News of the Weird, January 31, 2010
Chuck Shepherd
by Chuck Shepherd
Copyright 2010 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
Lead Story
* What Recession? A December USA Today analysis revealed
that during the first 18 months of the recent recession, beginning
December 2007, the number of federal employees with six-figure
salaries shot up from 14 percent of the federal workforce to 19
percent. Defense Department civilian executives earning more
than $150,000 went from 1,868 to more than 10,000, and the
Department of Transportation, which had only one person earning
$170,000 in December 2007, now has 1,690. The average federal
salary is $71,206, compared with the private sector's $40,331.
[USA Today, 12-10-09]
Compelling Explanations
* Being the first licensed male prostitute in Nevada (and thus the
U.S.), explained "Markus" in a January interview for Details
magazine, is to him "a civil rights thing." "It's just the same as
when Rosa Parks decided to sit at the front [of the bus] instead of
the back." [Details.com, 1-13-10]
* Lame: (1) Ex-convict John Stephens told a Floyd County (Ind.)
judge in December that he had a full-time job and intended to turn
his life around but had slipped when he tried to rob the Your
Community Bank. "If I hadn't been watching the news and seeing
[other successful] bank robberies," he said, he wouldn't have been
tempted. He said he was especially impressed by one serial robber,
who had made it look easy by vaulting over banks' counters. (2) In
Kansas City, Mo., in December, the mother of Charles Irving tried
to protect her 27-year-old son from a charge of being a felon in
possession of a gun. She told police (without success) that he had
needed the gun to protect her from vampires. [WKLY-TV
(Louisville, Ky.), 12-23-09] [Kansas City Star, 12-8-09]
* Rod Jetton, a former speaker of the Missouri House of
Representatives and creator of Common Sense Conservative
Consulting, LLC, was charged with felony assault in December
after visiting a woman in her home in Sikeston, apparently for a
sexual encounter. The woman later charged that Jetton punched
her in the head and choked her into unconsciousness as his idea of
foreplay, but Jetton said the "assault" was consensual, in that she
was to utter a pre-arranged "safe word [phrase]" if things got too
rough and that he would have immediately stopped. Jetton told
police that the woman never spoke the agreed-on phrase "green
balloons." [Kansas City Star, 12-7-09]
Ironies
* (1) Copenhagen, one of the "greenest" cities in the world,
endured an added 41,000 extra tons of carbon-dioxide-equivalent
in December during the 11-day "climate summit." The 15,000
delegates required 2,000 limousines (only five of which were
electric or hybrid) to get around town, and the world leaders
arrived and departed in 140 private jets, some of which had to be
"parked" overnight in Sweden because of airport congestion. (2) In
December, Obama Administration officials, seeking to fulfill a
campaign pledge of a more open federal government, held a multi-
agency training session in Washington, D.C., on the Freedom of
Information Act. The meeting was closed to the public. [Daily
Telegraph (London), 12-5-09] [Star Tribune (Minneapolis)-AP, 12-
9-09]
* A central purpose of the California Milk Board is to convince
consumers to buy local dairy products to keep the spending in-state
to help California's farmers, but the Board acknowledged in
November that its promotion campaign's advertising contract had
gone to an agency in New Zealand. Said a Board official, "We
have a . . . responsibility to spend [taxpayers'] hard-earned dollars
as efficiently as we can." [Los Angeles Times, 11-13-09]
Why Africans Remain Impoverished
* The huge, $27 million statue ("African Renaissance") being built
in Dakar, Senegal, was conceived to boost tourism and be a point
of African pride, acting as a magnet for visitors and museum-goers.
Problems have arisen ( the statue was built by North Korean labor,
has no distinct African theme, and features a female who reveals
perhaps too much thigh). However, according to a November BBC
News dispatch, Senegal's president Abdoulaye Wade remains
optimistic and has declared that, though the concept was his idea,
he personally will magnanimously take only 35 percent of the
revenue streams generated from visitors. [BBC News, 11-16-09;
The Guardian, 1-5-10]
* By 2004 Presidential proclamation and 2007 statute, the U.S.
government made it clear that no foreign official or family
members would be allowed into the country if they are "involved in
corruption" regarding oil or other natural resources in their home
countries. However, as the New York Times reported in
November, Equatorial Guinea's oil minister (and son of its
president) owns a $35 million estate in Malibu, Calif., that he visits
regularly in his Gulfstream jet even though the U.S. Justice
Department regards him as a major agent of corruption. (U.S.
companies manage Equatorial Guinea's oil production, and the
State Department is reluctant to challenge the country, according to
officials cited by the Times.) [New York Times, 11-17-09]
Fine Points of the Law
* In November, Powhatan County, Va., prosecutors dismissed
charges against five corrections officers despite evidence that they
were involved in inappropriately fondling a K-9 service dog.
During training, officers are expected to "bond" with their dogs,
and one of the men was seen "touching the dog's penis with his
hand," according to a prosecutor. However, Virginia law requires
that the state prove "cruelty" to the dog, and the prosecutor, after
consulting with veterinarians, concluded that he could not win the
case. [WRC-TV (Washington, D.C.), 11-19-09]
Creme de la Weird
* Russell Vanderwerf, 44, an agent of the U.S. Bureau of Alcohol,
Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, was arrested in Metairie, La., in
December and charged with damaging property while staying at the
Residence Inn hotel. According to police, Vanderwerf had
removed the bedroom door to his suite and in its place installed a
plywood plank which contained a hole at about pelvis level that
had been rimmed in duct tape and which the arresting deputy said
appeared to be used "in some sort of sexual act." Another guest
told police that numerous young men had been entering and exiting
Vanderwerf's room. [Times-Picayune, 12-8-09; KHOU-TV
(Houston), 12-9-09]
Redneck Crime
* (1) In Morehead, Ky., in December, two men, ages 44 and 18,
were charged with theft for allegedly swiping an 18-inch-long
bearded dragon lizard from the Eagles Landing Pet Hospital and
trying, in two beverage stores, to exchange it for liquor. (2) Daniel
Gable, 61, was arrested for breaking and entering a neighbor's
apartment in Fargo, N.D., in December. He had triggered the
resident's "burglar alarm," which consisted of the stack of empty
beer cans the resident places just inside his front door every night.
(3) Lawyer Christopher Carroll was charged with misdemeanor
battery in December for forcefully belly-bumping lawyer Jonathon
Carbary during a courthouse hallway argument in St. Charles
Township, Ill. Carroll said it was an accident: "We're both obese,
middle-aged men." [WHAS-TV (Louisville), 12-22-09] [Fargo
Forum, 12-30-09] [Suburban Chicago News, 12-24-09]
Update
* President Obama's figurine was expected to lead in sales for the
second straight year in the traditional "caganer" craft industry in
Spain's Catalonia region. As News of the Weird reported in 2008,
the popular statuettes are typically modeled on famous people, each
with pants down, squatting to answer a call of nature. They are
ubiquitous in Nativity scenes, playfully hidden to encourage
children's where's-waldo-type guessing, and believed to symbolize
"equality" through the universality of bodily functions. Another
figurine expected to do well this season is the brand-new Queen
Elizabeth. [Agence France-Presse, 12-21-09]
A News of the Weird Classic (September 1993)
* In August 1993, Pentecostal preacher Sammy Rodriguez, 29, and
19 relatives from Floydada, Tex., set out in one vehicle on a
pilgrimage, but as they passed through Vinton, La., Rodriguez sped
away from police trying to make a traffic stop. When the chase
ended, police discovered that all 20 people in the vehicle were
naked. Rodriguez explained that the Holy Spirit had ordered him
and his family on a journey and that they were to leave behind all
possessions (supposedly to confuse Satan), which Rodriguez took
to mean clothing, also. He pleaded guilty to the traffic charge, and,
with donated clothing, the group went on their way. [Washington
Post, 8-26-93]
Thanks This Week to Michael Ravnitzky, Gary Goldberg,
Adam Marchbanks, Michelle Ihringer, Tom Barker, and Kiki
Yablon, and to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
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