News of the Weird M533, June 25, 2017

[Chuck Shepherd]

WEIRDNUZ.M533 (News of the Weird, June 25, 2017)
by Chuck Shepherd

​Reminder--herewith, my penultimate column:

Copyright 2017 by Chuck Shepherd.  All rights reserved.

Lead Story                   

* Update:  Three weeks ago, News of the Weird touted the
"genderless," extraterrestrial-appearing Hollywood makeup artist
known as Vinny Ohh, but then Marcela Iglesias announced
(following a leaked TV clip) that she had formed an agency for
would-be celebrities who had radically transformed their bodies
(and that Vinny is now a client).  Iglesias's "Plastics of Hollywood"
has the human "Ken" dolls (Rodrigo Alves and Justin Jedica), the
Argentine "elf" Luis Patron, a Jessica Rabbit lookalike (Pixee
Fox), and seven others who, Iglesias figures, have collectively
spent almost $3 million on surgery and procedures (some of which
are ongoing).  (Patron, 25, seems the most ambitious, having
endured, among other procedures, painful, "medically-unapproved"
treatments to change his eye color.) [Daily Mail (London), 5-26-
2017; 5-3-2017]

Recurring Themes
              
* Richard Patterson, 65, is the most recent defendant to choose, as
trial strategy, to show the jury his penis.  A Broward County, Fla.,
court was trying him in the choking death of his girlfriend.
(Patterson called the death accidental, as it occurred during oral
sex, and there was conflicting medical opinion on whether that
could have proved fatal.)  Patterson's lawyer said his standby
position was to show a mold of the penis but insisted that a live
demonstration would be more effective.  (Update:  The judge
disallowed the showing, but in May the jury found Patterson not
guilty anyway.)  [South Florida Sun-Sentinel, 5-30-2017]

* In rare cases, a mother has given birth for the principal purpose
of "harvesting" a baby's cells ultimately to benefit another family
member with a condition or illness that the cells would aid.
However, Keri Young of Oklahoma gave birth in April for a
different purpose.  After learning while pregnant that her baby
would not long survive after birth (because of "anencephaly"), she
nonetheless carried it to term--just to harvest organs for
unspecified people who might need them (though the grieving Keri
and husband Royce admit that some might judge their motive
harshly).  [Houston Chronicle, 4-19-2017]

* In some parts of traditional Japanese society, it remains not-
uncommon for someone to feel the need to "rent" "friends."  For
example, relatives at a funeral bear grief better if they realize the
many "friends" the deceased had.  Or, a working man or woman
may rent a sweetheart just to help deflect parental pressure to
marry.  In northern China, in April, a man was arrested for renting
"family" and "friends" to populate his side of the aisle at his
wedding.  Apparently, there were conflicts plaguing each family,
and police were investigating, but the groom surely worsened the
plan by not coaching the actors on his personal details, thus making
inter-family small-talk especially awkward.  [BBC News, 5-1-
2017]

* Our Litigious Society:  (1) David Waugaman, 57, fell off a
barstool last year and needed needed surgery, and of course he is
suing the tavern at Ziggy's Hotel in Youngwood, Pa., for
continuing to serve him before he fell. Wrote Waugaman, "You're
not supposed to feed people so much booze."  (2)  Robert Bratton
filed a lawsuit recently in Columbia, Mo., against the Hershey
chocolate company because there was too much empty space in his
grocery-store box of Reese's Pieces, which he thought was
"deceptive" (even though the correct number of Pieces was printed
on the label).  In May, federal judge Nanette Laughrey ruled that
Bratton's case could continue, for the jury to decide.  [PennLive, 5-
15-2017] [KCUR Radio (Kansas City), 5-17-2017]

* Latest From Offended Classes:  (1) Some minority students'
organizations, commenting on the planned extensive renovation of
the University of Michigan's student union building, recommended
ditching the current interior's elegant wood paneling--because it
gives off an "imposing, masculine" feeling that makes them seem
"marginalized."  A spokesperson for the students, attempting to
soothe the controversy, said the marginalization was more based on
the building's "quiet nature."  (2) In Australia, Chanel's just-
introduced luxury wood-and-resin boomerang (selling for the
equivalent of about $1,415) came under fire from aboriginal groups
for "cultural appropriation."  (Hermes had issued its own luxury
boomerang in 2013.)  [The College Fix, 5-15-2017] [Sydney
Morning Herald, 5-15-2017]

* For not the first time in News of the Weird's experience, a man
shot himself but had the bullet pass through him and hit a
bystander (except this time it was fatal to the bystander).  Victor
Sibson, 21, was charged in Anchorage, Alaska, in May with killing
his girlfriend even though he had aimed at his own head.
Investigators were persuaded that it was a genuine suicide attempt,
though he survived but in critical condition.)  [KTUU-TV
(Anchorage), 5-22-2017]

* More Animals With Affordable Healthcare:  In April, the annual
report of the Association of British Insurers on their members'
policies for pet owners noted that among the claims paid were
those for a bearded dragon with an abscess, an anorexic Burmese
python, a cocker spaniel that swallowed a turkey baster, a cockatoo
with respiratory problems, and even a "lethargic" housecat (which
nonetheless cost the equivalent of $470 to treat.  [BBC News, 4-
17-2017]

* Legal "Experts" Everywhere!  American "sovereigns" litter
courtrooms with their self-indulgent misreadings of history and the
Constitution (misreadings that, coincidentally, happen to favor
them with free passes on arrests and tax-paying), but now, the UK's
Exeter Crown Court has experienced Mark Angell, 41, who said in
May that he simply could not step into the courtroom dock to state
a plea concerning possession of cannabis because he would thus be
"submitting" to "maritime law," which he could not legally do on
dry land.  Judge:  "Don't talk nonsense.  Get in the dock." Angell
was ordered to trial.  (Before leaving, he handed the judge a bill for
his detention:  the equivalent of $2.5 million.)  [DevonLive
(Exeter), 5-19-2017]

* More Third-World Religion:  In March, Zimbabwean pastor Paul
Sanyangore of Victory World International Ministries was captured
on video during a sermon, telephoning God.  Clutching a phone to
his ear, he yelled, 'Hello, is this heaven?  I have a woman here,
what do you have to say about her?"  (Her two children, one
epileptic, the other asthmatic, are then confusingly described by
"heaven" as being "changed," and Paul ended the call to resounding
cheers from the congregation.) [AfricaNews (Lyon, France), 5-23-
2017]

* More of the World's Third-Oldest Crime (Smuggling):  (1) In the
latest awesome drug-mule haul of gold (into South Korea, where it
fetches higher prices than in neighboring countries), 51 people
were arrested in May for bringing in, over a two-year period, a
cumulative two tons, worth $99 million, by hiding it in body parts
befitting their biological sex.  (2) Customs officials in Abdali,
Kuwait, apprehended a pigeon in May with 178 ketamine pills
inside a fabric pocket attached to its back. [Daily Mail (London), 5-
24-2017] [BBC News, 5-25-2017]

The Aristocrats!

* Almost an Epidemic:  Men suffering compulsive public
masturbation recently:  (1) In the midst of evening rush hour in the
New York-New Jersey Lincoln Tunnel, Ismael Esquilin, 48,
stopped his minivan and engaged (May 11th).  (2) In downtown
Portland, Ore., Terry Andreassen was arrested engaging
"vigorously" because he "hates Portland" (and was charged with
"felony" public indecency) (May 3rd).  (3) In Dunbar, W.Va.,
Tristan Tucker, 27, allegedly broke into a relative's home and stole
security camera recordings of him engaging (April 23rd).  (4) Vix
Bodziak, 70, allegedly engaged at a McDonald's in Springfield,
Mass. (April 20th) (Bonus:  Police found a paper-stuffed tube sock
bulging underneath his pant leg.)  [New York, 5-12-2017] [KATU-
TV (Portland), 5-12-2017] [WCHS-TV (Charleston), 5-16-2017]
[The Republican (Springfield), 4-22-2017]

The Classic Middle Name (all-new!)

* Arrested Recently and Awaiting Trial for Murder:  Boe Wayne
Adams (Wichita, Kan., May), Jason Vann Wayne Godfrey
(Sanford, N.C., August); Earl Wayne Humphries (Dallas, Tex.,
May); Michael Wayne Pennington Jr. (Tazewell, Va., May).
Convicted of Murder:  Anthony Wayne Davis (Lorain, Ohio,
January); Jerry Wayne Merritt (Columbus, Ga., February).  Pleaded
No-Contest to Murder:  Nathan Wayne Scheiern (Glendale, Calif.,
April).  Murder Conviction Appeal Denied:  Derrick Wayne
Murray (Birmingham, Ala., April).  Convicted Murderer Seeking
New Plea Deal:  Robert Wayne Lonardo (Benton, Maine, May).
Murderers No Longer With Us:  Billy Wayne Cope (Rock Hill,
S.C, February, died in prison); Marcel Wayne Williams (Varner,
Ark., April, executed). 
Adams:  [KWCH-TV (Wichita), 5-3-2017]
Godfrey:  [WRAL-TV (Raleigh), 8-15-2016]
Humphries:  [Dallas Observer, 5-10-2017]
Pennington:  [Bluefield Daily Telegraph, 5-10-2017]
Davis:  [Morning Journal (Lorain), 1-18-2017]
Merritt:  [Ledger-Enquirer (Columbus), 2-8-2017]
Scheiern:  [Los Angeles Daily News, 4-28-2017]
Murray:  [AL.com, 4-28-2017]
Lonardo:  [Portland Press Herald, 5-9-2017]
Cope:  [The State (Columbia, S.C.), 2-9-2017]
Williams:  [CNN, 4-25-2017]

     Thanks This Week to Alan Magid and Chip Gorman and to
the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.

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