News of the Weird, September 13, 2009
Chuck Shepherd
by Chuck Shepherd
Copyright 2009 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
Lead Story
* Breakthroughs in Eye Hair: The pharmaceutical company
Allergan has introduced eyelash-thickener Latisse, a $120 per
month prescription "medication" to help a woman overcome
feelings of inadequacy if she suffers from scrawny lashes.
Alternatively, eyelash transplants are now available in the U.S. and
Britain, originally developed to restore lashes for burn victims, but,
according to the American Academy of Cosmetic Surgery, now to
market to women dissatisfied with their own (at about $6,000).
And in May, Washington, D.C., resident Brian Peterkin-
Vertanesian petitioned the Guinness Book to recognize "Wally,"
his 6 3/8-inch eyebrow hair as the world's longest, beating the
current record by almost an inch. [New York Times Magazine, 8-
2-09; The Independent (London), 8-9-09; Washington Post, 5-28-
09]
The Continuing Crisis
* Juvenile disruptions by "Girls Gone Wild" video producer Joe
Francis in two recent federal lawsuit depositions have apparently
backfired on him. Under questioning by plaintiffs' lawyers, Francis
had persistently and solemnly claimed not to understand common
words and, during one session, repeatedly passed gas. At another
deposition, he appeared indignant when asked if he had paid two
teenage girls to fondle him ("disgusting allegations [against] a man
of my integrity"). One judge summarily ruled against him on a $3
million Las Vegas gambling debt, and the other judge was
considering a similar course in a class-action lawsuit by some of
Francis's allegedly-underage "models." [Las Vegas Sun, 8-14-09;
Lowering the Bar blog, 8-25-09]
* With no help from Verizon Wireless, law enforcement agencies
managed to hunt down a disturbed, 62-year-old man sought in an
11-hour manhunt following a domestic violence call in Carrollton,
Ohio, in May. Deputies had wanted to use the man's cell phone
signal to locate him, but the company had shut off his service over
an unpaid $20 bill and refused to turn it on, even for a few minutes,
unless deputies paid the $20. The sheriff was reluctantly about to
pay when deputies found the man. [Times-Reporter (Dover, Ohio),
5-21-09]
* Union Rules: (1) One subway line in Boston is still forced to
employ two drivers per train when the other Boston lines, and most
all subway systems worldwide, use only one. A June Boston
Globe analysis estimated that the second driver, doing virtually
nothing useful, costs the government $30 million annually. (2) At
any one time, the New York City school system is forced to keep
about 1,600 teachers on full salary and benefits (costing about $100
million per year) even though they cannot be required to work. Six
hundred are in a multi-year arbitration process for terminable
misconduct or incompetence, and 1,000 are long-term layoffs from
shuttered schools but whom principals continually pass over for
transfer. [Boston Globe, 6-14-09] [The New Yorker, 8-31-09]
Yikes!
* The New Torture: (1) In August, Glasgow hosted the sixth
annual World Pipe Band Championship, with 200 bagpipe bands
competing. (Professional piping often hits a sound level of 100
decibels and can go to 120, which is louder than a pneumatic drill.)
(2) Two musician-beggars in the village of Moseley, England, were
banned from performing in the area in August after a magistrate
court heard complaints by desperate residents that the pair played
only two songs (Oasis's "Wonderwall" and George Michael's
"Faith") over and over and over. [The Herald (Glasgow), 8-7-09]
[The Independent (London), 8-20-09]
* Animals Gone Wild: (1) In July, scuba divers around San Diego,
Calif., were forced out of the water by the estimated one million
human-sized Humboldt squid that infested the area. Usually
deepwater dwellers, they swarmed near the shore for several
weeks, flashing their "razor-sharp beaks and toothy tentacles,"
according to a KABC-TV report. (2) In June, in Ana Lee Spray's
garage in Riverside County, Calif., a full grown mountain lion was
cornered and held at bay for 45 minutes by Spray's three
chihuahuas, yapping at it relentlessly. Eventually, animal control
officers arrived and removed the grateful lion. [KABC-TV, 8-11-
09; The Guardian (London), 7-17-09] [KTLA-TV (Los Angeles),
6-15-09]
Oops!
* Agile Athletes: (1) Chicago Cubs' pitcher Ryan Dempster
missed a month with a broken toe suffered in July when he tripped
on a railing while leaving the dugout to celebrate a victory over the
Milwaukee Brewers. (2) Kansas City Royals' Jose Guillen missed
over a month after tearing a ligament in his knee while leaning
over to put on a shin guard before his turn to bat in a July game.
(3) Appalachian State quarterback Armanti Edwards, a three-time
All-American, was to miss the first month of the season after
injuring his foot in August while mowing his lawn. [New York
Times-AP, 7-8-09] [CBS Sports, 7-23-09] [Charlotte Observer, 8-
10-09]
* In August, Democrat Michael Heagerty failed by one name to
meet the ballot requirements to run for re-election to the city
council in Syracuse, N.Y. He was credited with 334 of the 335
necessary signatures, but realized too late that he had forgotten to
list his own name. (He said he would run for re-election, anyway,
as an independent.) [Post-Standard (Syracuse), 8-11-09]
People With Worse Sex Lives Than You
* Danny Brawner, 46, was indicted in Albuquerque, N.M., in
August for aggravated indecent exposure. A police officer and his
10-year-old son had seen Brawner with his pants down around his
ankles, performing simulated sexual intercourse against the trunk
of his car. The officer also said Brawner was shouting and
swinging his arms, as if enjoying the real thing. [KOB-TV
(Albuquerque), 8-13-09]
Least Competent Criminals
* Two home invaders in East St. Louis, Ill., holding 11 people
hostage as police surrounded the house, were eventually tricked
outside by the captives and arrested. The hostages, borrowing an
idea from several movie scripts, convinced the invaders that their
only shot at freedom was to change clothes to look less
conspicuous and then to release everyone. The two would appear
to be part of the hostage group, and the hostages "promised" to tell
police that the home invaders had already escaped earlier.
However, as everyone walked out, the captives merely pointed out
to police the two invaders. [Belleville News-Democrat, 7-27-09]
Recurring Themes
* For at least the third time in eight years, geography-challenged
vacationers bought airline tickets for an Australian holiday but
failed to notice (until they landed in "Sydney") that their tickets
took them to Sydney, Nova Scotia. Dutch man Joannes Rutten and
his grandson appeared shocked when they de-planed in Canada,
even though they had boarded an earlier connecting flight in
Halifax, Nova Scotia. In December 2008, an Argentine woman
made a similar mistake, and in August 2002, a young British
couple, after realizing their error, decided to spend their holiday in
Nova Scotia, after all. [Daily Mail (London), 8-10-09]
Readers' Choice
* (1) In Torrington, Conn., in June, a teenage girl, hearing a
woman she lived with screaming in another room, summoned four
of her friends, who quickly arrived and beat up the 25-year-old
man who was with the woman. It turns out that the couple were
having consensual sex (and good sex, at that). The girl and three
of the boys were charged with assault. (2) Keith Griffin, 48, was
arrested in Martin County, Fla., in August for possessing child
pornography on his computer. He tried to talk detectives out of the
arrest by claiming that his cat often walks on the keyboard and
must have stepped on some combination of keys that resulted in
the downloading of about 1,000 images. [CBS News-AP, 7-2-09]
[South Florida Sun-Sentinel, 8-7-09]
A News of the Weird Classic (March 1996)
* Postal worker Douglas C. Yee, 50, was indicted in February 1996
in San Mateo, Calif., for pulling off bulk-mail scams totaling
$800,000. Found in Yee's garbage were notes he had written to
God expressing gratitude for his continued help in evading police
detection. Read one, "Lord, I am having a difficult time myself
seeing you as a God who hides crime, yet your Word says that it's
your privilege (or glory) to do just that." [San Jose Mercury News,
2-9-96]
Thanks This Week to Perry Levin, Kathryn Wood, Sam
Gaines, Pete Randall, Chris Wray, Nedra Albrecht, David Bonan,
Barry Rose, Bruce Leiserowitz, Michael Ravnitzky, Tom Barker,
Amanda Semmelmann, Mike Cepec, and Michael Bellesiles, and
to the News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
* * * * *
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