News of the Weird, June 26, 2011
Chuck Shepherd
by Chuck Shepherd
Copyright 2011 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
Lead Story
* Giddyup! When a strain of equine herpes led to a temporary
quarantine at horse farms in central Utah, the sponsors of the Davis
County Mounted Posse Junior Queen contest in May had a
dilemma, but instead of canceling the competition in which the
cowgirls show their skills on horseback, they decided to conduct the
show except with the girls "riding" stick "ponies" to get style points.
Former queen Savanna Steed told KSL-TV the change would be
good because it would better test riders' knowledge of the routines
instead of their relying on their horses to make the moves. [KSL-TV
(Salt Lake City), 5-26-2011]
Latest Religious Messages
* Unclear on the Concept: India's Ganges River has become
famously polluted, in part by reverent Hindu pilgrims who toss
"offerings" into it (such as clothing, statues, and the cremated ashes
of loved ones) in hope of prosperous lives and holy afterlives.
Hindu immigrants in New York City, without access to the Ganges,
have called upon Jamaica Bay as a stand-in. The formerly quiet
waters adjacent to JFK International Airport now ebb and flow with
similar offerings that ultimately litter the Bay's federal recreation
area shoreline. Hindu community leaders in New York, with only
mixed success, constantly urge greater environmental sensitivity.
[New York Times, 4-21-2011]
* From time to time, clever rabbis suggest ways of bypassing
ancient Talmudic laws that restrict observant Jews' behavior on the
Sabbath (a day of "rest"). In April, Rabbi Dror Fixler, an electro-
optics expert from Bar-Ilan University in Israel, said he could
foresee a day when even driving a car might be permitted on the
Sabbath. The driver would wear an encephalography helmet that
caught brain signals and transmitted them to a car's operating and
steering system, removing the need for "action" on the driver's part
(thus theoretically leaving him "at rest"). [The Local (Berlin), 4-
12-2011]
The Continuing Crisis
* Mattel revealed that its best-selling fashion doll in the last year,
for the age-6-and-up market, has been the teen werewolf "Monster
High" model, Clawdeen Wolf, who comes with heavy makeup, a
short skirt, and high boots, and who supposedly spends her time
"waxing, plucking, and shaving." (Says Clawdeen, in promotional
materials, "My hair is worthy of a shampoo commercial, and that's
just what grows on my legs.") Though Mattel claims the doll
celebrates girls' imperfections, a counselor told Fox News she was
appalled that the company tells young girls that they "need to sculpt,
tweeze, wax, and . . . change their bodies" to attract men. [Fox
News, 3-16-2911]
* Cyber-Making-Out: Tokyo's Kajimoto Laboratory has created a
tongue-kissing machine to enable lovers to suck face over the
Internet, according to a May CNN report. At separate locations, the
pair place special straws in their mouths and mimic a deep kiss,
which is recorded and transmitted to each other's straws.
Researcher Nobuhiro Takahashi sees profit in "celebrity" tongue-
kissing applications, but said more work is needed to establish
individual taste, breathing, and tongue moistness. (Another team of
Japanese researchers, using a harness-type device, reported making
similar advances--in Internet "hugging," with sensors that mimic
lovers' heartbeats and even their spine's "tingling" and stomach's
"butterflies.") [KVVU-TV (Las Vegas)-CNN, 5-5-2011]
[Time.com, 2-3-2011]
* Tacky: (1) The Columbus, Ohio, school board accepted principal
Kimberly Jones's resignation in May following revelations by the
Columbus Dispatch that she, though earning $90,000 a year, swore
on federal forms that she made just $25,000--so that her own two
children would qualify for reduced-price school lunches. (2) Prime
Healthcare Services, with a reputation for rescuing financially-
failing hospitals, reported that two new acquisitions, in Victorville,
Calif., and Redding, Calif., somehow curiously experienced rates
about 40 and 70 times the state average in patients with a rare Third
World Ghanian sickness that, conveniently, qualified the hospitals
for enhanced Medicare reimbursements. [Columbus Dispatch, 5-4-
2011] [SFGate.com, 2-20-2011]
Fine Points of the Law
* In a pre-trial motion in a Chicago court case in May, the defense
lawyer for Exotic Motors, Inc., which is being sued over car repairs,
complained about plaintiffs' lawyers' unusual decision to permit a
female paralegal to sit at their courtroom table, especially since she
is a "large-breasted woman." Her "sole purpose" at the table,
lamented defense lawyer Thomas Gooch, was "to draw the attention
of the jury," presumably in favor of the plaintiffs. Gooch later told
the Chicago Daily Law Bulletin that he was concerned only with her
"qualifications" to sit at the table. [Springfield Journal-Review-AP,
5-25-2011]
Questionable Judgments
* The recent Memorial Day weekend was a time of reflection for
the residents of Long Island (N.Y.)'s Shelter Island, who were
honoring a soldier from the neighborhood who had recently been
killed in Afghanistan. The local American Legion had placed new,
heavy-duty American flags on telephone polls along a parade route,
but only afterward were informed that Long Island Power Authority,
which owns the poles, is required by state law to charge an
unwaivable rental fee for the poles. [WCBS-TV, 5-24-2011]
* Principal Terry Eisenbarth apologized to parents and children at
Washington Elementary School in Mount Vernon, Iowa, in May and
promised to stop his ritual "whammies," in which he summons kids
on their birthdays to his office, sings "Happy Birthday" to them, and
ceremonially spanks the child's backside with a cushioned hockey
stick (with the number of whacks equaling the child's age). [Des
Moines Register, 5-27-2011]
Creme de la Weird
* In May, based on five women's complaints, Virginia Beach, Va.,
police arrested restaurateur Henry Fitzsimmons, 54, for abduction
and sexual assault for harshly beating them as punishment for
violating the terms of the "scholarship" he supposedly offered them.
The women claim that Fitzsimmons is a devotee of the "Spencer
Plan" of orderly discipline in which contracting parties adhere to
agreed-on roles but at a cost of being physically disciplined if they
fail. Fitzsimmons acknowledged his fascination with the Spencer
Plan but denied the assaults, pointing out that he had fired one of
the women and that the other four were helping her retaliate.
[Virginian-Pilot (Norfolk), 5-16-2011]
Least Competent Gun-Handling
* (1) Former Camden, N.J., police Sgt. Jeffrey Frett pleaded guilty
in May in a scheme to qualify for early retirement by arranging to be
shot in the leg (to be attributed to random street violence). The plan
deteriorated, police said, when Frett's wife (the designated shooter)
missed his leg, merely ripping a hole in his uniform pants. (2) Ryan
Martin, 29, and Erica Clayburn, 20, were charged with reckless
endangerment in Derry Township, Pa., in April after Martin was
shot in the jaw. The couple were playing a game resembling
"Marco Polo" with a loaded handgun, with an eyes-closed Clayburn
firing when Martin shouted "Gun!" (Martin was supposed to duck
out of the way before Clayburn pulled the trigger.) [Philadelphia
Daily News, 5-12-2011] [WHTM-TV-AP, 4-6-2011]
The Classic Middle Name (all-new!)
* Arrested recently and awaiting trial for murder: Anthony Wayne
Smith (former Oakland Raiders football player), Los Angeles
(March); Theron Wayne Johnson, Weston, Tex. (May); Michael
Wayne McGray, Vancouver, British Columbia (May); Darrell
Wayne Morris, Price, Utah (May). Convicted of murder: Thilbert
Wayne Hager, Statesville, N.C. (October). Execution for murder
stayed by U.S. Supreme Court: Daniel Wayne Cook, Phoenix, Ariz.
(on death row since 1987) (April). Sentenced for murder: Billy
Wayne Haynes, Odessa, Tex. (life) (May); Jeffrey Wayne Riebe,
Conway, S.C. (40 years in prison) (June).
[Smith: Charlotte Observer, 3-4-2011]
[Johnson: WFAA-TV (Dallas), 5-19-2011]
[McGray: Times-Colonist (Victoria, B.C.)-National Post, 12-3-
2010]
[Morris: Salt Lake Tribune, 6-2-2011]
[Hager: Charlotte Observer, 10-29-2010]
[Cook: New York Daily News, 4-5-2011]
[Haynes: Odessa American, 5-14-2011]
[Riebe: Daily Journal (Franklin, Ind.)-AP, 6-1-2011]
A News of the Weird Classic (February 2007)
* In September [2006], according to sheriff's officials in Buffalo,
N.Y., Thomas Montgomery, 47, murdered a 22-year-old colleague
in an online love triangle involving a West Virginia woman, except
that two of the three people involved did not exist. Ostensibly, a
young Marine flirted with an 18-year-old woman, but unknown to
each other, the "Marine" was actually Montgomery, and the woman
was actually her mother, 45, pretending to be her daughter. The
workplace colleague (not pretending to be anyone else) had struck
up an online conversation with the "daughter," also, making
Montgomery jealous enough to kill him. Thus, in the make-believe
"triangle," the only real person is now dead. [Buffalo News, 11-28-
06]
Thanks This Week to Bruce Leiserowitz, Katherine Welsh,
Bob McCabe, Michael May, Sandy Pearlman, Pete Randall, Bruce
Strickland, Josh Lasker, Chip Gorman, Jakob Derksen, Neil Gimon,
and Sasha Oberheim, and to the News of the Weird Senior Advisors
(Jenny T. Beatty, Paul Di Filippo, Ginger Katz, Joe Littrell, Matt
Mirapaul, Paul Music, Karl Olson, and Jim Sweeney) and Board of
Editorial Advisors (Tom Barker, Paul Blumstein, Harry Farkas,
Sam Gaines, Herb Jue, Emory Kimbrough, Scott Langill, Steve
Miller, Christopher Nalty, Mark Neunder, Bob Pert, Larry Ellis
Reed, Rob Snyder, Stephen Taylor, Bruce Townley, and Jerry
Whittle).
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