News of the Weird, August 23, 2009
Chuck Shepherd
by Chuck Shepherd
Copyright 2009 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
Lead Story
* Donald Duck may be a lovable icon of comic mishap to
American youngsters, but in Germany, he is wise and complicated
and retains followers well past their childhoods. Using licensed
Disney storyline and art, the legendary translator Erika Fuchs
created an erudite Donald, who often "quotes from German
literature, speaks in grammatically complex sentences, and is prone
to philosophical musings," according to a May Wall Street Journal
dispatch. Though Donald and Uncle Scrooge ("Dagoberto") speak
in a lofty richness, nephews Tick, Trick, and Track use the slang of
youth. Recently in Stuttgart, academics gathered for the 32nd
annual convention of the "German Organization for Non-
Commercial Followers of Pure Donaldism," with presentations on
such topics as Duckburg's solar system. [Wall Street Journal, 5-23-
09]
Bright Ideas
* The preferred "disciplinary" tactic of Tampa, Fla., high school
assistant principal Olayinka Alege, 28, is to have underperforming
students remove a shoe so he can "pop" their toes back. Five
students at King High School complained, triggering a sheriff's
office investigation, but Alege was cleared, and indeed, the
students admit that the popping is painless (though "weird," said
some). One apparently incorrigible student said his toes had been
popped 20 times. However, the principal recently ordered Alege to
stop. [Tampa Tribune, 7-24-09]
* Chicago banker George Michael, seeking to avoid $80,000 a year
in property taxes, decided to call his $3 million mansion a "church"
and apply for tax exemption as pastor, and in July 2008, his
application was somehow preliminarily approved by the Illinois
Department of Revenue. According to a Chicago Tribune report,
the application included a photograph of the "church," which was
just a shot of an outer wall of Michael's house with a large cross on
it, except that the cross was later discovered to have been merely
placed on the photograph in marker pen. In July 2009, a state
administrative law judge finally reversed the earlier approval.
[Chicago Tribune, 7-22-09]
Leading Economic Indicators
* The Economy Is Working: (1) Carole Bohanan was hired among
300 applicants by the Wookey Hole tourist facility in Somerset,
England, in July to be its witch-in-residence, at a pro-rated annual
salary of the equivalent of about $83,000. The witch's job is to
linger in the caves full-time during tourist season, looking like a
hag and cackling. (2) Officials in Heath, Ohio, might have solved
their budget problems. The town (population 8,500) reported in
July that its new, six-intersection traffic-camera ticketing system
issued 10,000 citations in its first four weeks. (Nonetheless,
officials admitted that was too many and were discussing how to
ease up.) [The Times (London), 7-29-09] [Columbus Dispatch, 8-
1-09]
* The Economy Is Failing: (1) A 36-year-old woman pleaded
guilty to prostitution in Oklahoma City in June, for giving oral sex
to a Frito-Lay employee in exchange for a case of chips. (2) In an
interview with the Toronto Star in June, a 36-year-old drag queen,
who said he usually gets $60 for oral sex, was lately receiving
offers as low as $5. Said "Ray": "I didn't spend two hours getting
my makeup on and all dressed up for [$5]." [USA Today, 6-24-09]
[Toronto Star, 6-7-09]
Things That Live in the Water
* "Goose barnacles": A six-foot-long log composed of hundreds,
locked together, washed ashore near Swansea, Wales, in August.
Each of the barnacles uses tentacles for snatching food, and a six-
foot mass of snake-like appendages, writhing simultaneously,
terrified local beachgoers. Scientists said goose barnacles usually
remain on the ocean floor. [Daily Mail (London), 8-4-09]
* "Tubiflex worms": Using a flexible-hose camera, public utility
officials in Raleigh, N.C., inspected a faulty water pipe under the
Cameron Village shopping district in April and found a pulsating,
tennis-ball-size mass attached to a pipe wall. Local biologists
identified it as a colony of tubiflex worms that navigated the
system until finding a propitious feeding spot. Officials have
attempted to assure residents that the worms are somehow no
threat to water quality. [News Carolina 14 (Raleigh), 7-2-09]
Cutting-Edge Breakthroughs
* (1) In April, researchers at the Huntsman Cancer Institute in Salt
Lake City reported the ability to encase scorpion venom in
"nanoparticles" that were somehow able to guide the venom
intravenously to the human brain, to attack tumors, potentially
doubling the venom's success rate. (2) A team from Britain's
University of Warwick announced in April that it had built a
speedy, fully-functioning Formula 3 race car using biodegradable
ingredients in the frame (including carrots, potatoes, and soybean
foam) and chocolate oils in the fuel. [KSL-TV (Salt Lake City), 4-
30-09] [New York Times, 4-22-09]
News That Sounds Like a Joke
* (1) A 114-pound tortoise, part of the Zambini Family Circus
performing in Madison, Wis., in July, escaped. He actually made
good time on his dash for freedom, covering two miles in six days
before being spotted. (2) About 20 men were present for a Belgian
body builders' championship in May when three anti-doping
officials arrived unexpectedly and requested urine samples. Every
single contestant abruptly grabbed his gear and fled, according to
press reports, and the event was canceled. [Journal Sentinel-AP, 7-
18-09] [The Times (London), 5-19-09; Mesomorphosis.com, 5-18-
09]
Creme de la Weird
* According to prosecutors in Britain's Preston Crown Court in
July, Christopher Monks, 24, wanted two things (based on
transcribed Internet chat room dialogue): his parents killed and his
penis bitten off. As the Internet is fertile ground for communities
of sexual aberrants, Monks easily found a man, Shaun Skarnes, 19,
who was searching to accommodate someone on the latter desire
and who allegedly agreed to kill Monks's parents in exchange.
However, Skarnes botched the killings, and Monks, himself, is still
intact. [Lancashire Evening Post, 7-22-09]
Recurring Themes
* No Respect: (1) The latest community to challenge the taboo
about disturbing a graveyard is Peoria, Ill., where the Lincoln
Branch Library is planning an expansion, though on land that was a
19th-century burial ground. By law, all bodies must be preserved,
but each exploratory dig turns up more bodies, driving up costs to
the city. (2) Neighborhoods near the Wimbledon tennis
tournament in suburban London are typically clogged in June, as
visitors scramble for parking space. This year, nearby St. Mary's
Church sold parking for 20 pounds a day (about $33), even though
the space offered was directly above gravesites in the church's
cemetery. [Chicago Tribune, 6-12-09] [Daily Mail (London), 6-25-
09]
The Jesus and Virgin Mary World Tour
* Latest Playdates: Las Vegas, Nev., August (Jesus on a sticker on
woman's toilet lid); Bryan, Tex., July (Mary on a bird dropping on
the side mirror of a pickup truck); Ravena, N.Y., June (Jesus in a
coffee stain on a mason jar); Dallas, Tex., May (Jesus-shaped piece
in a bag of Cheetos); Harlingen, Tex., May (Mary's image on a dry-
cleaning company's press); Calexico, Calif., April (Mary on the
griddle of the Las Palmas restaurant); New Gloucester, Maine
(Jesus on the neck of a guitar); Sudbury, Ontario, April (Jesus on a
maple leaf being raked); Netherlands, April (Jesus on a Kit Kat
bar). (Only the news report of the Bryan, Tex., sighting indicated
that pilgrims were actually visiting the site to pray.)
Las Vegas: [KTNV-TV (Las Vegas), 8-4-09]
Bryan: [KBTX-TV (Bryan), 7-16-09]
Ravena: [Times Union (Albany), 6-17-09]
Dallas: [KTVT-TV (Dallas), 5-16-09]
Harlingen: [KGBT-TV (Harlingen), 5-18-09]
Calexico: [MSNBC-AP, 5-1-09]
New Gloucester: [WMTW-TV (Portland, Maine), 4-20-09]
Sudbury: [Metrowest Daily News (Framingham, Mass.), 4-10-09]
Netherlands: [Courier-Mail (Brisbane, Australia), 4-14-09]
A News of the Weird Classic (March 1998)
* Among the exhibits at the Impulse to Collect show at San Jose
State University in February 1998 were Chris Daubert's
"Chromatic extrusions rodenta" (rats' droppings following their
ingestion of various of his oil paints), Maryly Snow's collection of
696 toothbrushes (each catalogued on 13 attributes), and Bob
Rasmussen's variety of unrelated items containing red X's. Among
the exhibits rejected were a man's huge mass of dryer lint, another's
assortment of cat snot on slides, and a yet another's 15-year
collection of umbilical cords. Said organizer Theta Belcher, on
what makes a real collector: "They take it that one step too far."
[San Jose Mercury News, 2-8-98]
Thanks This Week to Kathryn Wood, Pete Randall, Don
Schulian, Hal Dunham, Delbert Collins, Christine Rodrigue,
Stephen Taylor, Tom Barker, and Debra Taylor, and to the News of
the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
* * * * *
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