News of the Weird, January 10, 2010
Chuck Shepherd
by Chuck Shepherd
Copyright 2010 by Chuck Shepherd. All rights reserved.
Lead Story
* Natives of the Erromango section of the Pacific island Vanuatu
recently held a formal "conciliation" with the great-great-grandson
of the British missionary whom the islanders' ancestors ate when
he came ashore in 1839. Charles Milner-Williams's forbear, Rev.
John Williams, was regarded as the most famous Christian
missionary of the era. Vanuatan legislator Ralph Regenvanu told
BBC News that cannibalism was traditionally a sacred warrior
practice for "vanquishing a threat [and] absorbing the power of the
enemy." Nonetheless, he said, the island has long felt "guilt," and
even a "complex," from killing and eating Rev. Williams. In
penitence, Vanuatu symbolically gave the Williams family a 7-
year-old girl, who will not be eaten but whose education Milner-
Williams promised to underwrite. [BBC News, 12-7-09]
Can't Possibly Be True
* In November, a Chicago judge ruled that former firefighter
Jeffrey Boyle is entitled to his $50,000 annual pension even though
he had pleaded guilty in 2006 to eight counts of arson (and
allegedly confessed to 12 more). Boyle is known locally as
"Matches" Boyle to distinguish him from his brother, John
"Quarters" Boyle, who is now in federal prison for bribery
following the theft of millions of dollars in state toll-gate coins.
Judge LeRoy Martin Jr. concluded that Matches's arsons were
wholly separate from his firefighting. [Chicago Tribune, 11-11-09]
* Salvadorean citizen Ernesto Gamboa, who worked for 13 years in
the Seattle area as a snitch for federal drug agents and contributed
to at least 92 convictions for drug- and weapons-smuggling, was
"fired" by Immigration and Customs Enforcement in May after
asking the agency for regular employment. Gamboa originally
entered the U.S. as a visitor but overstayed and now aspires merely
to an "S visa" granted aliens who assist law enforcement. Not only
did ICE deny that request but, according to a November Seattle
Times report, the agency informed Gamboa that he should prepare
to be deported. [Seattle Times, 11-15-09]
Inexplicable
* "It is the Christian commandment to love your enemies and to do
good to them. I did that," explained Dan Ross, 61, a retiree in
Lehigh Acres, Fla., who in November wired a dozen yellow roses
to Major Nidal Hasan, the accused Fort Hood spree killer.
"Whereas the ministers out there in Fort Hood are praying for
[Hasan] . . . I went one step further," Ross told the Naples Daily
News. The card Ross ordered with the flowers read, "In God's eye,
and those who submit, you are a hero!" The Texas florist who
received the order notified the FBI. [Naples Daily News, 11-10-09]
* While reporting on Britain's oldest newlyweds in November
(husband 94, wife 87), the Daily Telegraph also noted that in 2008,
Bertie Wood and her husband Jessie, of Falmouth had decided to
end their 36-year marriage, evidently at a point where they felt they
needed a fresh start. Both were 97 years old at the time. Jessie has
since died, and Bertie lives in a nursing home. [Daily Telegraph,
11-9-09]
Unclear on the Concept
* Michael Yavorski, 52, who drew a three-month sentence in
October for having twice fondled.a 12-year-old girl and given her
a beer, complained through his lawyer that the sentence was too
long. "The collateral consequences for Mr. Yavorski here are
tremendous," said the lawyer, in that the negative publicity about
the case might force Yavorski to close his business in Lower
Nazareth Township, Pa. an ice-cream parlor. [Morning Call
(Allentown), 10-31-09]
* In a December letter, lawyers for the world-famous Lincoln
Center for the Performing Arts in New York City threatened
litigation against Lincoln County, Miss., which recently changed
the name of its Lincoln County Multi-Purpose Facility to "Lincoln
Center." The facility, in the town of Brookhaven (pop. 9,800), is
used mostly for livestock shows and family reunions. [Daily
Leader (Brookhaven), 12-8-09]
* Almost every Thursday night, Jack Knowler, 61, and his
girlfriend Bev Rogers enjoy themselves at Hanc's Bar in
Bowmanville, Ontario, and then, knowing their limitations, leave
their vehicles parked and call A Ryde Home, a local service for the
intoxicated. On a recent Thursday night, according to a December
report in the Toronto Sun, as Knowler and Rogers waited outside
Hanc's for their ride, they were ticketed by police (at $65 each) for
being drunk in public. Said a police supervisor, "It's not a 'mixed
message.' You can't be intoxicated in a public place." [Toronto
Sun, 12-6-09]
It's Good to Be a British Criminal (actually, "United Kingdom
Criminal") (continued):
* (1) After pleading guilty in Cardiff Crown Court to forging an
uncle's checks worth 41,000 pounds ($65,000), Hayley Price, 42,
was fined 5 pounds ($8), given a suspended sentence, and ordered
to do community service. The judge reasoned that Price was
broke, having already spent the 41,000 pounds. (2) Brian Wallace
was the victim of a severe beating in Belfast, Northern Ireland, in
2007, stabbed five times and hospitalized with lung and kidney
lacerations, and to this day is battling for 7,500 pounds' ($12,000)
compensation from a government fund. In December 2009,
Wallace learned that his attacker, Simon Granhof, who had been
mistakenly kept in jail two weeks longer than his sentence, would
receive 12,500 pounds ($20,000) from the government for
deprivation of rights. (Granhof's sentence had already been cut in
half before the mistake.) [South Wales Argus, 12-2-09] [Belfast
Telegraph, 12-4-09]
People With Issues
* Kevin Derks, 53, of Kenosha, Wis., swears that he has never
touched an underage girl, even though he admitted to an all-
consuming fixation on their "innocence" and beauty. Derks's
apartment, according to a detective, appears to be a "shrine" to
little girls, with walls covered with posters and photos, including
snapshots of celebrity kids and local children, according to a
Kenosha News report, and a bed full of stuffed toys and two
adolescent-sized mannequins in sexual positions with adult
mannequins. Derks was arrested in November and charged with
20 counts of child pornography based on some of his photos and
videos. Said Derks, to detectives, "This was my own world. I
knew what I was doing. I took a gamble. It's like going to Vegas,
except I lost everything. [N]ow my ass is gonna fry." [Kenosha
News, 11-24-09]
Alcohol Was Involved
* (1) In November, the Seattle Police Department, investigating a
complaint about a beating, interviewed a 25-year-old man
hospitalized after being found screaming in pain impaled on a
metal fence. He said he had run away from a barroom fight and
momentarily thought he was a "ninja warrior" capable of leaping
the fence. (2) Sean McDowell, 24, was arrested in Ashland, Ore.,
after attempting to steal a four-foot-tall stuffed giraffe from the
front of a children's store. A police officer had witnessed an
inebriated McDowell grab the giraffe and make simulated sexual
movements, then walk away, and then return 90 minutes later to
snatch the animal for good. [Seattle Times, 11-17-09] [Ashland
Daily Tidings, 11-14-09]
We Have Rules!
* (1) Shawnee Mission Northwest outscored the competition at the
Kansas Girls State Gymnastics Championship in November, but
finished in third place because of a one-point penalty for a rule
violation. The school's coach had inquired about a balance-beam
score outside the five-minute "window" for inquiries. The two
schools that were tied for second place were declared co-
champions. (2) Environmentally-conscious David and Katie
France live 400 yards from their recycling center in Blandford,
England, and decided in October to hand-carry their garbage
instead of driving their car the short distance. However, they were
refused entry, based on a "safety" rule requiring that trash be
brought in vehicles. [Kansas City Star, 11-10-09] [Daily Telegraph,
11-3-09]
A News of the Weird Classic (July 1991)
* In May 1991, Maxcy Dean Filer of Compton, Calif., finally
passed the California Bar exam. He had graduated from law
school in 1966 but had failed the exam 47 straight tries. (After
opening a practice in Compton, he was suspended in 2007 for
failing to pass the California Bar's Professional Responsibility
exam. He remains suspended.) [International Herald Tribune, 6-1-
91; Los Angeles Times, 2-20-06] [State Bar of California directory,
12-28-09]
Thanks This Week to Roy Henock, Richard Hunding,
Stephen Taylor, Larry Seltzer, Eric Swanson, Marc Lipman,
Mackenzie Aylesworth, Sara Smith, and Sam Gaines, and to the
News of the Weird Board of Editorial Advisors.
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