You signed up on AshleyMadison.com, found yourself a great affair partner, fuckbuddy, friend with benefits or whatever you want to call it and now you are looking to explore sexually and try new things. Things you might not have been able to do with your spouse, and you thought… “let's read a magazine's sex advice section, they must know best”. While some of the advice can be helpful, some of it is down right ridiculous. Here is some of my favorite WTF-inducing advice I have come across.. things that you and nobody should ever be doing to their nether bits.
1.COSMO: “Slip a doughnut around his penis, and slowly eat it off.”
I found this in a Cosmo book called “365 Naughty Nights: A Year Of Hot Sex.” If the above sentence is too vague for you, Cosmo does a great job precisely explaining what is the expectation here.
“Gently stick his penis through the hole…”
Gently, ladies! His penis is not a damn horseshoes game… that will come later on the list!
“…and slowly nibble on it, stopping to suck him once in a while…”
So… let's forget this is a blowjob… instead, pretend it's an ergonomically challenging way to consume calories.
“…the sugary texture of your tongue will add an interesting new dimension.”
I am not sure that glazed spit counts as “new dimension”, but it will definitely make the cleanup interesting especially if you are planning on having sex later with a woman whose vaginal flora isn't accustomed to sugar (spoiler: all of them).
2. MEN’S HEALTH: “The key to sexiness may lie in yogurt—at least for mice. The testicles of mice fed a yogurt diet were 5 percent bigger than those on a regular diet—and 15 percent bigger than mice fed a ‘junk food diet,’ according to a new study out of MIT.”
You know what's the REAL key to sexiness? Not talking about mice scrotums.
3. MEN'S HEALTH: “If you’re out in public but want to make your intentions clear, slowly and firmly flick your tongue against the palm of her hand. If she just wipes it off down her skirt, you've blown it.”
You sure have! If by “it” you mean house-training a Labradoodle. Also, please tell me, what other way is there to respond to hand licking in public? Hold it up and whisper, “Daaaamn, I am never washing this again”?
4. COSMO: “Feed each other ice cream in the dark. Not being able to see means more spilling, which means more licking up the mess.”
Sure! It's not like we are gonna sleep here later…
5. COSMO: “Use your bra to bind his hands behind his back, then cover your nipples in yummy toppings and command him to lick them off.”
Ignoring for a moment why in hell you would want to stretch out your expensive Victoria Secret bra, and how many other great and better restraints exist in the world, does Cosmo think we all have mini-fridges full of chocolate syrup and whipping cream by our bedsides?
6. COSMO: “Sprinkle a little pepper under his nose right before he climaxes. Sneezing can feel similar to an orgasm and amplify the feel-good effects.”
Oh no, Cosmo thinks we all have a mini-fridge and a spice rack by our bedsides. Got it. There is nothing, NOTHING, that aids and impending orgasm like a dry rub marinade. Besides, what's sexier than sneezing? Crying, which is exactly what will happen if you are 1 inch off…
7. MEN'S HEALTH: “According to new research, the smell of toast is a serious mood booster.”
A mini-fridge, a spice rack, and a toaster oven. Got it.
8. Cosmo: “Press a fork (firmly, but don’t break the skin or anything) into different parts of his body—his butt cheeks, his pecs, his thighs.”
Spooning is for lesbians! It’s not sex until someone has been stabbed with an eating utensil. We also recommend kitchen tong hand jobs, melon-balling his balls, and that you griddle his fiddle, gently, with a George Foreman grill.
9. Cosmo: “Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other… you can tap it back and forth like you’re volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his shaft and testicles.”
Is it me, or did just tennis get sexier?
10. Cosmo: “Blindfold him, then give him bitch directions (“Touch me here. No, not there, here”). When you can’t be seen, the bossy badass comes out.”
You’ve bitten his ballsack and treated his dick like a volleyball, but you’re right, basic communication is the real litmus test for bitchdom. Also try: “Help me clean up all the Red Vines that you licked from my armpit?” Ooh, bitch burn!
In all seriousness, if you want to know what turns on your affair partner, the best advice is always to ask them. Because it varies from person to person. This is also to say that, sure, I bet some men do want their dicks bitten and some women want their breasts banged like the Salvation Army drum at the Easter Day parade. But you should never assume anything about a new sex partner, especially if it involves girdle pulleys or a quesadilla-maker.