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Jake Herczeg
Dec 10, 2014, 7:32:17 PM12/10/14
to Ngl
found this!
Hello Craigslist:
We are two cool dudes in our early thirties looking to replace a friend who recently moved across the country to Boston and is now 'dead to us'. This is a real ad. Dave is gone and is never coming back. You will be the new Dave.
Requirements:
Background:
- You must look EXACTLY like Dave. Please the attached photo. This is absolutely non-negotiable.
- You should be from the Midwest; preferably Minnesota.
- You should be on the right end of the moderate-conservative spectrum. Extra points if Reagan was your favorite president or if you enjoyed "Leadership" by Rudy Guilani.
- You car radio should be locked on AM Radio and/or country.
Recreational:
- You should drink excessively five to six nights per week. We're talking double digit consumption, regardless of what or how much anyone else is having. You enjoy whiskey, Budweiser heavy and absinthe. You also enjoy red wine but are usually disappointed by it. Lately you have taken a fancy to marijuana cigarettes. You are sober one day per week on principle.
- You must take on hobbies obsessively only to dump them cold turkey weeks later (no repeats: homebrewing, rock climbing, scuba-diving, soccer, painting, and gardening have already been done). You should do a "deep dive" on these subjects and talk about nothing else even when it's clear we are not interested. Ask lots of "either - or" questions that we can't possibly answer.
Mannerisms:
- You should compulsively chew up ballpoint pens to the point of embarrassing catastrophic explosion.
- You should always drink water or Crystal Light out of a used Gatorade bottle (you keep an entire cabinet-full in your kitchen), except for in the mornings when you drink coffee out of a mug that you keep in your car. If you find yourself getting too tired too early, you are allowed to consume entire additional pots of coffee at night.
- You should always carry a handkerchief (you have bad allergies).
-When you come over, you should take everything out of you pockets and leave it on the counter to maximize the chances of forgetting where you put it.
-When you read a book (you read very very slowly), please highlight every other sentence. Also use post-it flags on every page.
Cooking:
- You should love to cook elaborate, difficult and involved "baroque" meals. They should takes hour to prepare and usually end up as brown sauces of some kind. Ideally, the kitchen should be a disaster when you are done. Mussels, alligator meat, duck (duck fat) and fried spaghetti are all encouraged.
Bonus:
- Bring along a friend who looks like our other 'dead' friend, Ben (See photo. Closer the better).
This is a part time gig. You should commit to coming over around once a week, getting hammered and passing out on the couch. You can have other day jobs and even other groups of friends. We will have Whiskey for you to drink at our places but you should restock the booze periodically.
We are two cool dudes in our early thirties looking to replace a friend who recently moved across the country to Boston and is now 'dead to us'. This is a real ad. Dave is gone and is never coming back. You will be the new Dave.
Requirements:
Background:
- You must look EXACTLY like Dave. Please the attached photo. This is absolutely non-negotiable.
- You should be from the Midwest; preferably Minnesota.
- You should be on the right end of the moderate-conservative spectrum. Extra points if Reagan was your favorite president or if you enjoyed "Leadership" by Rudy Guilani.
- You car radio should be locked on AM Radio and/or country.
Recreational:
- You should drink excessively five to six nights per week. We're talking double digit consumption, regardless of what or how much anyone else is having. You enjoy whiskey, Budweiser heavy and absinthe. You also enjoy red wine but are usually disappointed by it. Lately you have taken a fancy to marijuana cigarettes. You are sober one day per week on principle.
- You must take on hobbies obsessively only to dump them cold turkey weeks later (no repeats: homebrewing, rock climbing, scuba-diving, soccer, painting, and gardening have already been done). You should do a "deep dive" on these subjects and talk about nothing else even when it's clear we are not interested. Ask lots of "either - or" questions that we can't possibly answer.
Mannerisms:
- You should compulsively chew up ballpoint pens to the point of embarrassing catastrophic explosion.
- You should always drink water or Crystal Light out of a used Gatorade bottle (you keep an entire cabinet-full in your kitchen), except for in the mornings when you drink coffee out of a mug that you keep in your car. If you find yourself getting too tired too early, you are allowed to consume entire additional pots of coffee at night.
- You should always carry a handkerchief (you have bad allergies).
-When you come over, you should take everything out of you pockets and leave it on the counter to maximize the chances of forgetting where you put it.
-When you read a book (you read very very slowly), please highlight every other sentence. Also use post-it flags on every page.
Cooking:
- You should love to cook elaborate, difficult and involved "baroque" meals. They should takes hour to prepare and usually end up as brown sauces of some kind. Ideally, the kitchen should be a disaster when you are done. Mussels, alligator meat, duck (duck fat) and fried spaghetti are all encouraged.
Bonus:
- Bring along a friend who looks like our other 'dead' friend, Ben (See photo. Closer the better).
This is a part time gig. You should commit to coming over around once a week, getting hammered and passing out on the couch. You can have other day jobs and even other groups of friends. We will have Whiskey for you to drink at our places but you should restock the booze periodically.
eric schkufza
Dec 10, 2014, 11:06:36 PM12/10/14
to <Unnamed>
Not a single response. What a disappointment.
--
::: N G L :::
---We Drink At Lunch---
.Sober at lunch = FALSE.
30+ Anyos Only / No kids
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