The net in reruns
Whatever I'm calling myself this week
redundant and redundant articles over and over again, have gone on far too long.
Yes, now at last it's time for...
NET.TV: THE NEW FALL SEASON (Let's ALL be there!!)
Old favorites return in new exciting series resulting in lots of fun!
Some examples and coming attractions:
MONDAY
8:00 (2) THE ARNDT FAMILY---Situated Comedy
Ken Arndt does an incredible acting job portraying a grownup
relating to children in a way that only he could do, in this new comedy series. He plays the traditional breadwinning head
of a wild and wacky household where fun is the buzzword and
laughter is the only cure for the best medicine there is. In
the premiere show, Ken seeks to convey strong American family
values to his children by teaching them how to taunt
homosexuals and other minority groups. Lyndon Larouche: Don
Black. Lurch: Ted Cassidy.
8:30 (8) DR. RAY'S GOOD SEX---Educational
The imminent Dr. Ray Frankheimer gives his views on modern
sexuality in today's society, as exemplified in this charming
excerpt from the premiere program:
DR. RAY: Hello, iss the caller there?
FEMALE CALLER: Yes, Dr. Ray, I just wanted to say that I love your
show, and I wanted to ask you if you thought it was
indecent for a woman to go to a supermarket in tank
top and shorts. You see, I do that, and my...
DR. RAY: Are your buttocks exposed when you do this?
FEMALE CALLER: Well, sort of...
DR. RAY: What supermarket do you do this in?
FEMALE CALLER: Alpha Beta...
DR. RAY: What time?
FEMALE CALLER: About 9 at night...
DR. RAY: <GFLUDGK> What aisle?
FEMALE CALLER: Uh, aisle 10...
DR. RAY: YOU SLUT!!!!! (Hangs up phone in disgust and wipes
mouth) Iss the next caller there?
MALE CALLER: Dr. Ray, I have this problem. You see I was performing
cunnilingus on my wife after we had just ...
DR. RAY: YOU PIG!!!! No straight man would ever do that! (Slams
down phone) ... Iss the next caller there?
ANOTHER
MALE CALLER: Yes, hi, Dr. Ray, I just wanted to know, since you
speak for all straight men, is it all right for my
wife to tie me to the bed and tickle me?
DR. RAY: NO, of course not!! That's sick and disgusting!
Give me your address and I'll go have a talk with your
wife about this... <CLICK> Well, it's almost 9:00 and
I have to be going, so ...
9:00 (42) EPIC MINISERIES THEATRE---Drama
This week, the story of "Ivan the Terribile". In the first
episode, Ivan abolishes pornography by nuking a heinous porn
factory in Svatislavostokgrad, and then forces Rich Rosen
to eat a cheeseburger.
TUESDAY
8:00 (17) THE BEST OF SATURDAY NET LIVE!!!!---Comedy [well...]
This week, Emily Nettella asks "What's all this I hear
about monotonous and non-monotonous relationships?"
This is followed by a skit about net.abortion:
PRO-CHOICE: It's a fetus!
ANTI-ABORTION: It's a baby!
PRO-CHOICE: It's a fetus!
ANTI-ABORTION: It's a baby!
PRO-CHOICE: It's a fetus!
ANTI-ABORTION: It's a baby!
BARRY KORT: No, wait, you're both right!
BOTH IN UNISON: <CLICK!> <<BLAMMMMM!!!!!>>
PRO-CHOICE: It's a fetus!
ANTI-ABORTION: It's a baby!
PRO-CHOICE: It's a fetus!
ANTI-ABORTION: It's a baby!
9:00 (35) ROSEN TREK---Huh?
"Netnews, the final frontier. These are the voyages of the
starship Rosenprize. Its infinitely long and drawn out
mission: to explore strange new newsgroups, to seek out
new topics to flame about, to boldly post where no man has
posted before". This week: "Rosen's Brain". Crew members
looking for Rosen's brain on a small planet are persistently
interrupted by a woman who keeps saying "You are not news,
you are not i-news", while avoiding being attacked by the
vicious Klingon commander, K'Narndt.
10:00 (107) LIFESTYLES OF THE BIG AND STUPID---Entertainment
Robin Letch follows Mikki and Pooh on their quest for
ever increasingly big and stupid men to dump by the side
of the road. Having made use of all the big and stupid men
in New Jersey, they move onward to sunny California, taking
in the scenic coastline, discovering surfers with the IQ's
of snails, and then re-covering them with sand.
WEDNESDAY
8:00 (6) LEAVE IT TO WIENER---Situation Comedy
An updated version of the popular 1950's TV program.
This week, the Wiener neglects important work by spending
too much time posting to the net, and learns a valuable lesson.
(Well, sort of...) Wiener: Matt Wiener. Eddie Haskell: Ken
Arndt. Gene-Ward: Matt Wiener. June: Liz "Mamaliz" Sommers.
("Gene-Ward, don't you think you were a bit hard on the Wiener
last night?...")
8:30 (16) STUPID PEOPLE'S COURT---High Drama
Judge Moriarty Wapner presides over the Stupid People's Court
with the assistance of Rusty the bailiff. This week, a
graduate of the RLRCLC complains that he is unable to find
a job posting 400 articles a day to the net and sues the RLRCLC
for damages. In addition, a man sues a health spa where he
failed to meet any women with brightly colored clothing.
9:00 (43) HISTORICAL PERSPECTIVE: OUR COMMON RELIGIOUS HERITAGE---Fiction
An extended documentary style show starring Ray Frank, Ken
Arndt, and Clayton Cramer.
9:02 (43) TO BE ANNOUNCED
And this is just a short sneak preview! I don't know about you, but *I* can't
wait! I'm getting MY television fixed right away!!! Get ready for the
Arbitron ratings for the USENET fall season!
(Many thanks to Mikki, Pooh, Dorothy, Jack, and Ken Kaufman for their input.)
--
"But George is a nice guy, underneath it all."
"Everybody's a nice guy, underneath it all. What we become when the world is
through messing us over is something else."
Rich Rosen bellcore!pyuxd!rlr