sunybcs's fortune(6)

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Col. G. L. Sicherman

Feb 28, 1985, 10:14:29 AM2/28/85
# If you want to know what all this is about, see the pointer in

# This is a shell archive. Remove anything before this line, then
# unpack it by saving it in a file and typing "sh file". (Files
# unpacked will be owned by you and have default permissions.)
# This archive contains:
# Makefile cleanjokes.1 cleanjokes.2 delinearize.l fortune.6 fortune.c linearize.l localjokes obscene realfortunes sortjokes strfile.c strfile.h

echo x - Makefile
cat > "Makefile" << '//E*O*F Makefile//'
# do not start or end any datafile with a %%
SOURCE= fortune.c strfile.h strfile.c unstr.c cleanjokes.1 cleanjokes.2\
localjokes realfortunes obscene
DATA= cleanjokes.1 cleanjokes.2 localjokes realfortunes obscene
LIBDIR= /usr/games/lib
GAMESDIR= /usr/games
LOCALDIR= /usr/local
OWN= root
GRP= daemon
TARF= fortunes.tar

all: fortune strfile fortunes.dat # unstr

fortune: strfile.h fortune.c
${CC} ${CFLAGS} -DFORTFILE='"${LIBDIR}/fortunes.dat"' -o fortune fortune.c

strfile: strfile.h strfile.o
${CC} ${CFLAGS} -o strfile strfile.o

delinearize: delinearize.o
${CC} ${CFLAGS} -o delinearize delinearize.o -ll
linearize: linearize.o
${CC} ${CFLAGS} -o linearize linearize.o -ll

unstr: strfile.h unstr.c
${CC} ${CFLAGS} -o unstr unstr.c

fortunes.dat: fortunes strfile
./strfile fortunes

fortunes: ${DATA}
cat cleanjokes.1 > fortunes
echo "%%" >> fortunes
cat cleanjokes.2 >> fortunes
echo "%%" >> fortunes
cat localjokes >> fortunes
echo "%-" >> fortunes
cat realfortunes >> fortunes
echo "%-" >> fortunes
cat obscene >> fortunes
echo "%%" >> fortunes

install: all
mv fortunes.dat ${LIBDIR}/fortunes.dat
chown ${OWN} ${LIBDIR}/fortunes.dat
chmod 600 ${LIBDIR}/fortunes.dat
mv fortune ${GAMESDIR}/joke
chown ${OWN} ${GAMESDIR}/joke
chmod 4711 ${GAMESDIR}/joke
rm -f ${LOCALDIR}/joke
ln ${GAMESDIR}/joke ${LOCALDIR}/joke
cp ${GAMESDIR}/fortune
chmod 755 ${GAMESDIR}/fortune
rm -f ${LOCALDIR}/fortune
ln ${GAMESDIR}/fortune ${LOCALDIR}/fortune

tar crvf ${TARF} Makefile ${SOURCE} fortune.6

rm -f fortune fortunes fortunes.dat fortunes.tar strfile unstr
//E*O*F Makefile//

echo x - cleanjokes.1
cat > "cleanjokes.1" << '//E*O*F cleanjokes.1//'
You brute! Knock before entering a ladies room!
"And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
asked the father of his little son.
"Contrariwise," continued Tweedledee, "if it was so, it might
be, and if it were so, it would be; but as it isn't, it ain't. That's
-- Lewis Carroll
"I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frodo in a quavering
"No," Said Gandalf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in

"This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
If found, send to Sorhed (the postage is prepaid)."
"I don't know what you mean by 'glory,'" Alice said
Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
till I tell you. I meant 'there's a nice knock-down argument for you!'"
"But glory doesn't mean 'a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor less."
"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
so many different things."
"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master --
that's all."
"I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
that is -- 'Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
more simply -- 'Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
In Dr. Johnson's famous dictionary patriotism is defined as the
last resort of the scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened
but inferior lexicographer I beg to submit that it is the first.
-- Ambrose Bierce
On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
$283 on the desk before the cashier.
"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
"Well, after three days on that cockamany route, I figured
business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
Into love and out again,
Thus I went and thus I go.
Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
Well and bitterly I know
All the songs were ever sung,
All the words were ever said;
Could it be, when I was young,
Someone dropped me on my head?
-- Dorothy Parker
The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in
twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.

Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one
-- and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."

"How?" demanded Fafhrd.

Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."

From "The Swords of Lankhmar", By "Fritz Leiber"
"All flesh is grass"
-- Isaiah
Smoke a friend today.
"Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing."
"He was so narrow-minded he could see through a keyhole with both
"Here at the Phone Company, we serve all kinds of people; from
Presidents and Kings to the scum of the earth..."
"I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem."
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
"I may not be totally perfect, but parts of me are excellent."
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
"If God lived on Earth, people would knock out all His windows."
-- Yiddish saying
"If I had only known, I would have been a locksmith."
-- Albert Einstein
"It is bad luck to be superstitious."
-- Andrew W. Mathis
"It's not Camelot, but it's not Cleveland, either."
-- Kevin White, mayor of Boston
"Qvid me anxivs svm?"
"There are three possibilities: Pioneer's solar panel has turned
away from the sun; there's a large meteor blocking transmission;
or someone loaded Star Trek 3.2 into our video processor."
"We don't care. We don't have to. We're the Phone Company."
"When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut."
"Who cares if it doesn't do anything? It was made with our new
Triple-Iso-Bifurcated-Krypton-Gate-MOS process..."
"Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? Is it
because we are not the person involved?"
-- Mark Twain
"Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?"
-- Lily Tomlin
"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
It has been observed that one's nose is never so happy as when it
is thrust into the affairs of another, from which some physiologists
have drawn the inference that the nose is devoid of the sense of
-- Ambrose Bierce
...And malt does more than Milton can
to justify God's ways to man
-- A.E. Housman
77. Y'AWN -- The Redundant

------- (7) The Judgment:
--- --- (8) Disks crash and your spouse smells bad.
------- (7) You are working on an accounting system when
---O--- (6) you want to develop the Great American Com-
---X--- (5) piler. You give up hot dates to nurse sick
--- --- (8) computers. What you need now is sex.

The Image:
Moonlight on Vermont -- the image of The Redundant.
If he thinks about it, he walks into a lamppost.

Five in the second place means:
Lifting the oxcart out of the ditch. No blame.

Six in the third place means:
The young dog refuses to leave the nest. If not,
the old woman goes out to buy cat food. Misfortune.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort of).
A limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
A sine curve goes off to infinity, or at least the end of the blackboard.
-- Prof. Steiner
A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.
A very intelligent turtle
Found programming UNIX a hurdle.
The system, you see,
Ran as slow as did he,
Which doesn't say much for the turtle.
Abstainer: A weak person who yields to the temptation of denying
himself a pleasure.
According to the latest official figures, 43% of all statistics are
totally worthless.
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
Acid absorbs 47 times its weight in excess Reality.
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to
Alexander Graham Bell is alive and well in New York, and still waiting
for a dial tone.
Alliance: In international politics, the union of two thieves who
have their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that
they cannot separately plunder a third.
Ambidextrous: Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket
or a left.
An elephant is a mouse with an operating system.
Any small object that is accidentally dropped will hide under a
larger object.
Arnold's Laws of Documentation:
1.) If it should exist, it doesn't.
2.) If it does exist, it's out of date.
3.) Only documentation for useless programs transcends the
first two laws.
As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not
certain; and as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality.
As the trials of life continue to take their toll, remember that there
is always a future in Computer Maintenance.
Ban the bomb. Save the world for conventional warfare.
Barometer: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of
weather we are having.
Birth: The first and direst of all disasters.
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known
as Wheels.
Bolub's Fourth Law of Computerdom:
Project teams detest weekly progress reporting because it so
vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Brain: The apparatus with which we think that we think.
Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise
as a man's head.
Captain Penny's Law:
You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of
the people all of the time, but you Can't Fool Mom.
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
Census Taker to Housewife: Did you ever have the measles, and, if so,
how many?
Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long
walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They
then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy
health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old,
not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find
only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the
others who have tried it.
Chicken Little was right.
Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for
word what you shouldn't have said.
Churchill's Commentary on Man:
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the
time he will pick himself up and continue on.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
-- Mark Twain
Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."
-- AAmbrose Bierce
Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
Condense soup, not books!
Coronation: The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and
visible signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite
Coward: One who in a perilous emergency thinks with his legs.
Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
Cynic: A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not as
they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking out
a cynic's eyes to improve his vision.
Dawn: The time when men of reason go to bed.
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Death: to stop sinning suddenly.
Deliberation: The act of examining one's bread to determine
which side it is buttered on.
Democracy is also a form of worship.
It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
-- H. L. Mencken
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
Velocity, for example, will be expressed in furlongs per fortnight.
Don't cook tonight -- starve a rat today!
Don't hate yourself in the morning -- sleep till noon.
Don't knock President Fillmore. He kept us out of Vietnam.
Down with categorical imperative!
Drive defensively, buy a tank.
Due to a shortage of devoted followers, the production of great leaders has
been discontinued.
Earn cash in your spare time -- blackmail your friends.
Ehrman's Commentary:
1. Things will get worse before they get better.
2. Who said things would get better?
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
---Jerome Lettvin
Enzymes are things invented by biologists that explain things which
otherwise require harder thinking.
--Jerome Lettvin
Es brillig war. Die schlichte Toven
Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
Und aller-m" umsige Burggoven
Dir mohmen R" ath ausgraben.
Every successful person has had failures but repeated failure is no
guarantee of eventual success.
Everyone knows that dragons don't exist. But while this simplistic
formulation may satisfy the layman, it does not suffice for the
scientific mind. The School of Higher Neantical Nillity is in fact
wholly unconcerned with what _ d_ o_ e_ s exist. Indeed, the banality of
existence has been so amply demonstrated, there is no need for us to
discuss it any further here. The brilliant Cerebron, attacking the
problem analytically, discovered three distinct kinds of dragon: the
mythical, the chimerical, and the purely hypothetical. They were all,
one might say, nonexistent, but each nonexisted in an entirely
different way......
Familiarity breeds attempt
Families, when a child is born
Want it to be intelligent.
I, through intelligence,
Having wrecked my whole life,
Only hope the baby will prove
Ignorant and stupid.
Then he will crown a tranquil life
By becoming a Cabinet Minister

-- Su Tung-p'o
Fats Loves Madelyn
Finagle's fourth Law:
Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only
makes it worse.
Finagle's third Law:
In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct,
beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.
1. Nobody whom you ask for help will see it.
2. The first person who stops by whose advice you really
don't want to hear will see it immediately.
Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the moebius strip;
The strip revolved,
The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
Friends, Romans, Hipsters, let me clue you in:
I come to put down Caesar, not to groove him.
The square kicks some cats are on stay with them;
The hip bits, like, go down under;
So let it lay with Caesar. The cool Brutus
Gave you the message: Caesar had big eyes;
If that's the sound, someone's copping a plea,
And, like, old Caesar really set them straight.
Here, copacetic with Brutus and the studs,
-- for Brutus is a real cool cat;
So are they all, all cool cats, --
Come I to make this gig at Caesar's laying down.
Garter: An elastic band intended to keep a woman from coming out of
her stockings and desolating the country.
Genetics explains why you look like your father, and if you don't, why
you should.
George Orwell was an optimist.
Ginsberg's Theorem:
1. You can't win.
2. You can't break even.
3. You can't even quit the game.

Freeman's Commentary on Ginsberg's theorem:

Every major philosophy that attempts to make life seem
meaningful is based on the negation of one part of Ginsberg's
Theorem. To wit:

1. Capitalism is based on the assumption that you can win.
2. Socialism is based on the assumption that you can break
3. Mysticism is based on the assumption that you can quit the
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Glib's Fourth Law of Unreliability:
Investment in reliability will increase until it exceeds the
probable cost of errors, or until someone insists on getting
some useful work done.
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
be in owning a piece thereof.
God did not create the world in 7 days; he screwed around for 6 days
and then pulled an all-nighter.
God is Dead
-- Nietzsche
Nietzsche is Dead
-- God
Nietzsche is God
-- Dead
God is a polytheist.
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their OWN brains.
-- Walt Kelly
Hail to the sun god
He sure is a fun god
Ra! Ra! Ra!
Hand: A singular instrument worn at the end of a human arm and
commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
Happiness: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the
misery of another.
Hark, hark, the dogs do bark,
The Duke is fond of kittens.
He likes to take their insides out
And use them for his mittens.
Thurber, "The thirteen clocks"
Harris's Lament:
All the good ones are taken.
Hartley's First Law:
You can lead a horse to water, but if you can get him to float
on his back, you've got something.
Hippogriff: An animal (now extinct) which was half horse and half
griffin. The griffin was itself a compound creature, half lion and
half eagle. The hippogriff was actually, therefore, only one quarter
eagle, which is two dollars and fifty cents in gold. The study of
zoology is full of surprises.
Hire the morally handicapped.
Hoare's Law of Large Problems:
Inside every large problem is a small problem struggling to get
Hofstadter's Law:
It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take
Hofstadter's Law into account.
Honorable: Afflicted with an impediment in one's reach. In legislative
bodies, it is customary to mention all members as honorable; as, "the
honorable gentleman is a scurvy cur."
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on
-- W.C. Fields
How doth the little crocodile
Improve his shining tail,
And pour the waters of the Nile
On every golden scale!

How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
Hurewitz's Memory Principle:
The chance of forgetting something is directly proportional
I can resist anything but temptation.
I really hate this damned machine
I wish that they would sell it.
It never does quite what I want
But only what I tell it.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday life.
Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human
affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
-- Roy Santoro
If God had wanted you to go around nude, He would have given you bigger hands.
If God is perfect, why did He create discontinuous functions?
If I don't drive around the park,
I'm pretty sure to make my mark.
If I'm in bed each night by ten,
I may get back my looks again.
If I abstain from fun and such,
I'll probably amount to much;
But I shall stay the way I am,
Because I do not give a damn.
-- Dorothy Parker
If I kiss you, that is a psychological interaction. On the other hand,
if I hit you over the head with a brick, that is also a psychological
interaction. The difference is that one is friendly and the other is
not so friendly. The crucial point is whether you can tell which is
If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
If all be true that I do think,
There be Five Reasons why one should Drink;
Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
Or lest we should be by-and-by,
Or any other reason why.
If anything can go wrong, it will.
If at first you don't succeed, give up, no use being a damn fool.
If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day, I would have studied
-- Pope John Paul I
If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?
-- Art Hoppe
If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?
If while you are in school, there is a shortage of qualified personnel
in a particular field, then by the time you graduate with the necessary
qualifications, that field's employment market is glutted.
-- Marguerite Emmons
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
-- Harry S. Truman
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite
you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
-- Mark Twain
If you push the "extra ice" button on the soft drink vending machine,
you won't get any ice. If you push the "no ice" button, you'll get
ice, but no cup.
If you wants to get elected president, you'se got to think up some
memoraboble homily so's school kids can be pestered into memorizin'
it, even if they don't know what it means.
Il brilgue: les t^ oves libricilleux
Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
Enm^ im' es sont les gougebosquex,
Et le m^ omerade horgrave.
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling against prayer in schools
will be temporarily cancelled.
Ink: A villainous compound of tannogallate of iron, gum-arabic, and
water, chiefly used to facilitate the infection of idiocy and promote
intellectual crime.
Interpreter: One who enables two persons of different languages to
understand each other by repeating to each what it would have been to
the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
It is better to kiss an avocado than to get in a fight with an aardvark
It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so
It is much easier to suggest solutions when you know nothing about the problem.
It is the business of the future to be dangerous.
-- Hawkwind
It seems like the less a statesman amounts to, the more he loves the flag.
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
legislature is in session.
Joe's sister puts spaghetti in her shoes!
Keep America beautiful. Swallow your beer cans.
Keep grandma off the streets -- legalize bingo.
Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
1) The most powerful force in the world is that of a disc
straining to land under a car, just out of reach (this
force is technically termed "car suck").
2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
than "Watch this!"
Keep you Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Feet on the Ground,
Your Head on your Shoulders.
Now....try to get something DONE!
Labor: One of the processes by which A acquires property for B.
Law of Communications:
The inevitable result of improved and enlarged communications
between different levels in a hierarchy is a vastly increased
area of misunderstanding.
Law of Procrastination:
Procrastination avoids boredom; one never has the feeling that
there is nothing important to do.
Laws of Computer Programming:
1. Any given program, when running, is obsolete.
2. Any given program costs more and takes longer.
3. If a program is useful, it will have to be changed.
4. If a program is useless, it will have to be documented.
5. Any given program will expand to fill all available memory.
6. The value of a program is proportional the weight of its
7. Program complexity grows until it exceeds the capability of
the programmer who must maintain it.
Let him who taketh the Plunge Remember to return it by Tuesday.
Liar: A lawyer with a roving commission.
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
sense from things she found in gift shops.
-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
Look out! Behind you!
Love is a word that is constantly heard,
Hate is a word that is not.
Love, I am told, is more precious than gold.
Love, I have read, is hot.
But hate is the verb that to me is superb,
And Love but a drug on the mart.
Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
-- Ogden Nash
Lubarsky's Law of Cybernetic Entomology:
There's always one more bug.
Mad: Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence...
Magnet, n.: Something acted upon by magnetism

Magnetism, n.: Something acting upon a magnet.

The two definition immediately foregoing are condensed from
the works of one thousand eminent scientists, who have illuminated the
subject with a great white light, to the inexpressible advancement of
human knowledge.
Magpie: A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone
that it might be taught to talk.
Main's Law:
For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.
Major Premise: Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as
quickly as one man.
Minor Premise: One man can dig a posthole in sixty seconds;
therefore --
Conclusion: Sixty men can dig a posthole in one second.
Man: An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks he
is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
the whole habitable earth and Canada.
Many years ago in a period commonly know as Next Friday Afternoon,
there lived a King who was very Gloomy on Tuesday mornings because he
was so Sad thinking about how Unhappy he had been on Monday and how
completely Mournful he would be on Wednesday....
-- Walt Kelly
Mickey Mouse wears a Spiro Agnew watch.
Minnie Mouse is a slow maze learner.
Misfortune: The kind of fortune that never misses.
Miss: A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that they
are in the market.
Mistakes are often the stepping stones to utter failure.
Modern man is the missing link between apes and human beings.
Molecule: The ultimate, indivisible unit of matter. It is
distinguished from the corpuscle, also the ultimate, indivisible unit
of matter, by a closer resemblance to the atom, also the ultimate,
indivisible unit of matter...The ion differs from the molecule, the
corpuscle and the atom in that it is an ion....
Monday: In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
Money is the root of all evil, and man needs roots
Mosher's Law of Software Engineering:
Don't worry if it doesn't work right. If everything did, you'd
be out of a job.
My love runs by like a day in June,
And he makes no friends of sorrows.
He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
In the pathway or the morrows.
He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
My own dear love, he is all my heart --
And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
-- Dorothy Parker
My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
And the skies are sunlit for him.
As sharply sweet to my heart he seems
As the fragrance of acacia.
My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
And I wish he were in Asia.
-- Dorothy Parker
My own dear love, he is strong and bold
And he cares not what comes after.
His words ring sweet as a chime of gold,
And his eyes are lit with laughter.
He is jubilant as a flag unfurled --
Oh, a girl, she'd not forget him.
My own dear love, he is all my world --
And I wish I'd never met him.
-- Dorothy Parker
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
Nihilism should commence with oneself.
Niklaus Wirth has lamented that, whereas Europeans pronounce his name
correctly (Ni-klows Virt), Americans invariably mangle it into
(Nick-les Worth). Which is to say that Europeans call him by name, but
Americans call him by value.
Ninety-Ninety Rule of Project Schedules:
The first ninety percent of the task takes ninety percent of
the time, and the last ten percent takes the other ninety
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Not far from here, by a white sun, behind a green star, lived the
Steelypips, illustrious, industrious, and they hadn't a care: no spats
in their vats, no rules, no schools, no gloom, no evil influence of the
moon, no trouble from matter or antimatter -- for they had a machine,
a dream of a machine, with springs and gears and perfect in every
respect. And they lived with it, and on it, and under it, and inside
it, for it was all they had -- first they saved up all their atoms,
then they put them all together, and if one didn't fit, why they
chipped at it a bit, and everything was just fine...
-- Stanislaw Lem
Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the double lock will keep;
May no brick through the window break,
And no one rob me till I awake.
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
Oh, when I was in love with you,
Then I was clean and brave,
And miles around the wonder grew
How well did I behave.

And now the fancy passes by,
And nothing will remain,
And miles around they'll say that I
Am quite myself again.

-- A. E. Housman
Old soldiers never die. Young ones do.
Once Law was sitting on the bench
And Mercy knelt a-weeping.
"Clear out!" he cried, "disordered wench!
Nor come before me creeping.
Upon you knees if you appear,
'Tis plain you have no standing here."

Then Justice came. His Honor cried:
"YOUR status? -- Devil seize you!"
"Amica curiae," she replied --
"Friend of the court, so please you."
"Begone!" he shouted -- "There's the door --
I never saw your face before!"
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)

Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
If you do the things we say, then you'll soon rule the nation.
Kill your foes and enemies and then kill your relations.
Pillage, rape, and loot and burn, but all in moderation.
Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
-- D. J. Hicks
Pardo's First Postulate:
Anything good in life is illegal, immoral, or fattening.

Arnold's Addendum:
Anything not fitting into these categories causes cancer in
Peace: In international affairs, a period of cheating between two
periods of fighting.
Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to
exciting Camden, New Jersey.
Pig: An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race by
the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is inferior
in scope, for it balks at pig.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Pro is to con as progress is to Congress.
Probable-Possible, my black hen,
She lays eggs in the Relative When.
She doesn't lay eggs in the Positive Now
Because she's unable to postulate how.
-- Frederick Winsor
Prudhomme's Law of Window Cleaning:
It's on the other side.
Q: How many IBM cpu's does it take to do a logical right shift?
A: 33: 1 to hold the bits and 32 to push the register.
Man Invented Alcohol,
God Invented Grass.
Who do you trust?
Reality is an obstacle to hallucination.
Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
worse in Cleveland.
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of
Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
Rule of Feline Frustration:
When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly
content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the
Santa Claus wears a Red Suit,
He must be a communist.
And a beard and long hair,
Must be a pacifist.

What's in that pipe that he's smoking?

-- Arlo Guthrie
Sattinger's Law:
It works better if you plug it in.
Seduced, shaggy Samson snored.
She scissored short. Sorely shorn,
Soon shackled slave, Samson sighed,
Silently scheming,
Sightlessly seeking
Some savage, spectacular suicide.

-- Stanislaw Lem
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
Shaw's Principle:
Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will
want to use it.
Slick's Three Laws of the Universe:
1) Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad
2) A quarter-ounce of chocolate = four pounds of fat.
3) There are two types of dirt: the dark kind, which is
attracted to light objects, and the light kind, which is
attracted to dark objects.
Speak roughly to your little boy,
And beat him when he sneezes:
He only does it to annoy
Because he knows it teases.

Wow! wow! wow!

I speak severely to my boy,
And beat him when he sneezes:
For he can thoroughly enjoy
The pepper when he pleases!

Wow! wow! wow!
Steele's Plagiarism of Somebody's Philosophy:
Everybody should believe in something -- I believe I'll have
another drink.
Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S Audit! Just type
in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving
the room is punishable under law:

Name #
Ten years of rejection slips is nature's way of telling you to stop
-- R. Geis
The Abrams' Principle:
The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
The Schwine-Kitzenger Institute study of 47 men over the age of 100
showed that all had these things in common:
1) They all had moderate appetites.
2) They all came from middle-class homes
3) All but two of them were dead.
The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up
in the morning, and does not stop until you get to school.
The chicken that clucks the loudest is the one most likely to show up
at the steam fitters picnic.
--Don Marquis
The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier.
The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child,
was propounded to me by my father:
"What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?"
I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity
gave up.
"A herring," said my father.
"A herring," I echoed. "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
"So hang it there."
"But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
"Paint it."
"But a herring isn't wet."
"If its just painted its still wet."
"But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage, "-- a herring
doesn't whistle!!"
"Right, " smiled my father. "I just put that in to make it hard."
-- Leo Rosten
The goal of science is to build better mousetraps.
The goal of nature is to build better mice.
The ladies men admire, I've heard,
Would shudder at a wicked word.
Their candle gives a single light;
They'd rather stay at home at night.
They do not keep awake till three,
Nor read erotic poetry.
They never sanction the impure,
Nor recognize an overture.
They shrink from powders and from paints...
So far, I've had no complaints.
-- Dorothy Parker
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the klutz
said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
"Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
"How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
The number of licorice gumballs you get out of a gumball machine
increases in direct proportion to how much you hate licorice.
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
The right half of the brain controls the left half of the body.
This means that only left-handed people are in their right mind.
The shortest distance between two points is under construction.
-- Noelie Altito
The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
and praiseworthy...
-- Ambrose Bierce
There is a great discovery still to be made in Literature: that of
paying literary men by the quantity they do NOT write.
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
--Mark Twain
There was a young poet named Dan,
Whose poetry never would scan.
When told this was so,
He said, "Yes, I know.
It's because I always try to put every possible syllable into
that last line that I can."
There's little in taking or giving,
There's little in water or wine:
This living, this living, this living,
Was never a project of mine.
Oh, hard is the struggle, and sparse is
The gain of the one at the top,
For art is a form of catharsis,
And love is a permanent flop,
And work is the province of cattle,
And rest's for a clam in a shell,
So I'm thinking of throwing the battle --
Would you kindly direct me to hell?

-- Dorothy Parker
There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn
what it is I'll get married again.
-- Clint Eastwood
They're only trying to make me LOOK paranoid!
Things are more like they used to be than they are now.
Those who can't write, write manuals.
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
Three great scientific theories of the structure of the universe are
the molecular, the corpuscular and the atomic. A fourth affirms, with
Haeckel, the condensation or precipitation of matter from ether --
whose existence is proved by the condensation or precipitation....A
fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
more about the matter than the others.
Time is nature's way of making sure that everything doesn't happen at once.
To be is to do.
-- I. Kant
To do is to be.
-- A. Sartre
-- F. Flintstone
Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
UFO's are for real: the Air Force doesn't exist.
United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of the Christmas
season was marred by a proclamation of a general strike of all the military
forces of the world. Panic reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of
every persuasion.
Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time low over the
-- Isaac Asimov
Vote Anarchist.

Oh, dear, where can the matter be
When it's converted to energy?
There is a slight loss of parity.
Johnny's so long at the fair.
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean glass?"
Wasting time is an important part of living.
We have met the enemy, and he is us.
-- Walt Kelly
We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best
friends are trying to kill us.
Weinberg's First Law:
Progress is made on alternate Fridays.
Weinberg's Second Law:
If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs,
then the first woodpecker that came along would destroy
What use is magic if it can't save a unicorn?
-- Peter S. Beagle
When Marriage is Outlawed,
Only Outlaws will have Inlaws.
When the Universe was not so out of whack as it is today, and all the
stars were lined up in their proper places, you could easily count them
from left to right, or top to bottom, and the larger and bluer ones
were set apart, and the smaller yellowing types pushed off to the
corners as bodies of a lower grade....
-- Stanislaw Lem
While your friend holds you affectionately by both your hands you are
safe, for you can watch both of his.
Who made the world I cannot tell;
'Tis made, and here am I in hell.
My hand, though now my knuckles bleed,
I never soiled with such a deed.

-- A. E. Housman
Why did the Lord give us so much quickness of movement unless it was to
avoid responsibility with?
Wiker's Law:
Government expands to absorb all available revenue and then some.
Wit: The salt with which the American Humorist spoils his cookery...
by leaving it out.
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
Year: A period of three hundred and sixty-five disappointments.
You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
//E*O*F cleanjokes.1//

echo x - cleanjokes.2
cat > "cleanjokes.2" << '//E*O*F cleanjokes.2//'
"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on
the basis of being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an
infinite series of incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric
precisions from vague assumptions based on debatable figures taken from
inconclusive documents and carried out on instruments of problematical
accuracy by persons of dubious reliability and questionable mentality
for the avowed purpose of annoying and confounding a hopelessly
defenseless department that was unfortunate enough to ask for the
information in the first place."

-- IEEE Grid newsmagazine
"The meat is rotten, but the booze is holding out."
Computer Translation of "The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak"
"Acting is an art which consists of keeping the audience from
"An American is a man with two arms and four wheels".
-- A Chinese child
"Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth
Corner, Vermont."
-- Clarence Darrow
"It's Fabulous! We haven't seen anything like it in the last half an
-- Macy's
"The climate of Bombay is such that its inhabitants have to live
"The first thing I do in the morning is brush my teeth and sharpen my
"The way to make a small fortune in the commodities market is to start
with a large fortune."
'Twas midnight, and the UNIX hacks
Did gyre and gimble in their cave
All mimsy was the CS-VAX
And Cory raths outgrave.

"Beware the software rot, my son!
The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
Beware the broken pipe, and shun
The frumious system crash!"
99 blocks of crud on the disk,
99 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
100 blocks of crud on the disk!

100 blocks of crud on the disk,
100 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
101 blocks of crud on the disk!...
A Law of Computer Programming:
Make it possible for programmers to write in English and you
will find the programmers cannot write in English.
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman
out of a divorce.
-- Don Quinn
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining
and wants it back the minute it begins to rain.
-- Mark Twain
A budget is just a method of worrying before you spend money, as well
as afterward.
A candidate is a person who gets money from the rich and votes from the
poor to protect them from each other.
A city is a large community where people are lonesome together
-- Herbert Prochnow
A diplomat is a man who can convince his wife she'd look stout in a
fur coat.
A university is what a college becomes when the faculty loses interest
in students.
-- John Ciardi
A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
Accident: A condition in which presence of mind is good, but absence of
body is better.
-- Foolish Dictionary
Accordion: A bagpipe with pleats.
Accuracy: The vice of being right.
Adolescence: The stage between puberty and adultery.
Adult: One old enough to know better.
Advertisement: The most truthful part of a newspaper
-- Thomas Jefferson
Afternoon: That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted
the morning.
Albert Einstein, when asked to describe radio, replied:
You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat.
You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los
Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly
the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there.
The only difference is that there is no cat.
Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
them keeps paying for it.
-- Peggy Joyce
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having sense enough to be lazy.
-- Charlie McCarthy
America may be unique in being a country which has leapt from barbarism
to decadence without touching civilization.
-- John O'Hara
Antonym: The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
Anything labeled "NEW" or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the
price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
means the price went way up.
Arithmetic is being able to count up to twenty without taking off your
-- Mickey Mouse
Arthur's Laws of Love:
1. People to whom you are attracted invariably think you
remind them of someone else.
2. The lover letter you finally got the courage to send will
be delayed in the mail long enough for you to make a fool
of yourself in person.
As I was passing Project MAC,
I met a Quux with seven hacks.
Every hack had seven bugs;
Every bug had seven manifestations;
Every manifestation had seven symptoms.
Symptoms, manifestations, bugs, and hacks,
How many losses at Project MAC?
Ass: The masculine of "lass".
At the source of every error which is blamed on the computer you will
find at least two human errors, including the error of blaming it on
the computer.
Automobile: A four-wheeled vehicle that runs up hills and down
BLISS is ignorance
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
-- Mae West.
Boy: A noise with dirt on it.
Bradley's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a
committee -- that will do them in.
Broad-mindedness: The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
-- Fred Allen
Children are natural mimics who act like their parents despite every
effort to teach them good manners.
Christ: A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
Cigarette: A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of
tobacco in between.
Collaboration: A literary partnership based on the erroneous assumption
that the other fellow can spell.
College football is a game which would be much more interesting if the
faculty played instead of the students, and even more interesting if
the trustees played. There would be a great increase in broken arms,
legs, and necks, and simultaneously an appreciable diminution in the
loss to humanity.
-- H. L. Mencken
Colvard's Logical Premises:
All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen or
it won't.
Colvard's Unconscionable Commentary:
This is especially true when dealing with someone you're
attracted to.
Grelb's Commentary
Likelihoods, however, are 90% against you.
Conscience is the inner voice that warns us somebody is looking.
-- H. L. Mencken
Consultants are mystical people who ask a company for a number and then
give it back to them.
Conversation: A vocal competition in which the one who is catching
his breath is called the listener.
Conway's Law:
In any organization there will always be one person who knows
what is going on.

This person must be fired.
Cynic: One who looks through rose-colored glasses with a jaundiced eye.
DeVries' Dilemma:
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
hits the paper.
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
-- Senator Soaper
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
-- G. B. Shaw
Die: To stop sinning suddenly.
-- Elbert Hubbard
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
Don't worry over what other people are thinking about you. They're too
busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
Ducharme's Axiom:
If you view your problem closely enough you will recognize
yourself as part of the problem.
Ducharme's Precept:
Opportunity always knocks at the least opportune moment
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, and a
dark side, and it holds the universe together....
-- Carl Zwanzig
Eggheads unite! You have nothing to lose but your yolks.
-- Adlai Stevenson
Egotism is the anesthetic given by a kindly nature to relieve the pain
of being a damned fool.
-- Bellamy Brooks
Eleanor Rigby
Sits at the keyboard and waits for a line on the screen
Lives in a dream
Waits for a signal, finding some code that will make the machine do some more.
What is it for?
All the lonely users, where do they all come from?
All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
Electrocution: Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
Experience is that marvelous thing that enables you recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
-- F. P. Jones
Fairy Tale: A horror story to prepare children for the newspapers.
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam on a picnic
without looking to see whether the seeds move.
Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.
-- Oscar Wilde
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
If you are given a take-home exam, you will forget where you
Finagle's Creed:
Science is true. Don't be misled by facts.
First Rule of History:
History doesn't repeat itself -- historians do.
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except
study for that instructor's course.
IBM had a PL/I,
Its syntax worse than JOSS;
And everywhere this language went,
It was a total loss.
Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad
-- La Rochefoucauld
Hanlon's Razor:
Never attribute to malice what is adequately explained by
Hi! How are things going?
(just fine, thank you...)
Great! Say, could I bother you for a question?
(you just asked one...)
Well, how about one more?
(one more than the first one?)
(you already asked that...)

[at this point, Alphonso gets smart... ]
May I ask two questions, sir?
May I ask ONE then?
Then may I ask, sir, how I may ask you a question?
(yes, you may.)
Sir, how may I ask you a question?
(you must ask for retroactive question-asking privileges for
the number of questions you have asked, then ask for that
number plus two {one for the current question, and one for the
next one)
Sir, may I ask nine questions?
(go right ahead...)
Hindsight is an exact science.
Horngren's Observation:
Among economists, the real world is often a special case.
How long a minute is depends on which side of the bathroom door you're
If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way.
If I traveled to the end of the rainbow
As Dame Fortune did intend,
Murphy would be there to tell me
The pot's at the other end.
-- Bert Whitney
If the odds are a million to one against something occurring, chances
are 50-50 it will.
If the weather is extremely bad, church attendance will be down. If
the weather is extremely good, church attendance will be down. If the
bulletin covers are in short supply, however, church attendance will
exceed all expectations.
-- Reverend Chichester
If we do not change our direction we are likely to end up where we are
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
If you make people think they're thinking, they'll love you; but if you
really make them think they'll hate you.
If you put garbage in a computer nothing comes out but garbage. But
this garbage, having passed through a very expensive machine, is
somehow ennobled and none dare criticize it.
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
-- Jules de Gaultier
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the
mail. Corresponding errors will show up in the duplicate while the
Boss is reading it.
Ingrate: A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then complains
of indigestion.
It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
Jones' First Law:
Anyone who makes a significant contribution to any field of
endeavor, and stays in that field long enough, comes to
obstruct its progress -- in direct proportion to the
importance of his original contribution.
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
knows what it is.
Justice: A decision in your favor.
Kin: An affliction of the blood
Lie: A very poor substitute for the truth, but the only one discovered
to date.
Life is like an onion: you peel off layer after layer, then you find
there is nothing in it.
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
world has ever seen.
Lunatic Asylum: The place where optimism most flourishes.
MOCK APPLE PIE (No Apples Needed)

Pastry to two crust 9-inch pie 36 RITZ Crackers
2 cups water 2 cups sugar
2 teaspoons cream of tartar 2 tablespoons lemon juice
Grated rind of one lemon Butter or margarine

Roll out bottom crust of pastry and fit into 9-inch pie plate. Break
RITZ Crackers coarsely into pastry-lined plate. Combine water, sugar
and cream of tartar in saucepan, boil gently for 15 minutes. Add lemon
juice and rind. Cool. Pour this syrup over Crackers, dot generously
with butter or margarine and sprinkle with cinnamon. Cover with top
crust. Trim and flute edges together. Cut slits in top crust to let
steam escape. Bake in a hot oven (425 F) 30 to 35 minutes, until crust
is crisp and golden. Serve warm. Cut into 6 to 8 slices.

-- Found lurking on a Ritz Crackers box
Majority: That quality that distinguishes a crime from a law.
Man is the only animal that blushes -- or needs to.
-- Mark Twain
Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.
-- Voltaire
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
If an item is advertised as "under $50", you can bet it's not
Menu: A list of dishes that the restaurant has just run out of
Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.
-- Groucho Marx
Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.
-- Groucho Marx
Misery loves company, but company does not reciprocate.
Mollison's Bureaucracy Hypothesis:
If an idea can survive a bureaucratic review and be implemented
it wasn't worth doing.
Naeser's Law:
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
New York has the best politicians money can buy.
Noncombatant: A dead Quaker.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Old programmers never die. They just branch to a new address.
On a clear disk you can seek forever.
One good reason why computers can do more work than people is that they
never have to stop and answer the phone.
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
Ours is a world where people don't know what they want and are willing
to go through hell to get it.
People who have no faults are terrible; there is no way of taking
advantage of them.
Predestination was doomed from the start.
Reclaimer, spare that tree!
Take not a single bit!
It used to point to me,
Now I'm protecting it.
It was the reader's CONS
That made it, paired by dot;
Now, GC, for the nonce,
Thou shalt reclaim it not.
Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
reject the proposal.
Silverman's Law:
If Murphy's Law can go wrong, it will.
Steinbach's Guideline for Systems Programming
Never test for an error condition you don't know how to
System/3! System/3!
See how it runs! See how it runs!
Its monitor loses so totally!
It runs all its programs in RPG!
It's made by our favorite monopoly!
The one who has the gold makes the rules.
The Briggs-Chase Law of Program Development:
To determine how long it will take to write and debug a
program, take your best estimate, multiply that by two, add
one, and convert to the next higher units.
The IQ of the group is the lowest IQ of a member of the group divided
by the number of people in the group.
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
-- Anatole France
The Third Law of Photography:
If you did manage to get any good shots, they will be ruined
when someone inadvertently opens the darkroom door and all of
the dark leaks out.
The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us people to
-- John McNulty
The past always looks better than it was. It's only pleasant because
it isn't here.
-- Finley Peter Dunne (Mr. Dooley)
There are more old drunkards than old doctors.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be
There was a young lady from Hyde
Who ate a green apple and died.
While her lover lamented
The apple fermented
And made cider inside her inside.
Turnaucka's Law:
The attention span of a computer is only as long as its
electrical cord.
Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
Superiority is recessive.
Van Roy's Law:
An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.
Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
1. If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only
2. If a straight-line fit is required, obtain only two data
Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by spontaneously moving
from where you left them to where you can't find them.
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
We wish you a Hare Krishna
And a Sun Myung Moon!

--Maxwell Smart
What makes us so bitter against people who outwit us is that they think
themselves cleverer than we are.
When the government bureau's remedies do not match your problem, you
modify the problem, not the remedy.
When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly.
Whenever I feel like exercising, I lie down until the feeling passes.
//E*O*F cleanjokes.2//

echo x - delinearize.l
cat > "delinearize.l" << '//E*O*F delinearize.l//'
~~ printf("\n");
\n printf("%%%%\n");
//E*O*F delinearize.l//

echo x - fortune.6
cat > "fortune.6" << '//E*O*F fortune.6//'
fortune, joke \- print a random fortune or joke
.B fortune
.B \-
] [
.B \-w
..[ file ]
.B joke
.B \-
] [
.B \-wslao
..[ file ]
.I Fortune
with no arguments prints a random fortune.
The flags mean:
.TP 5
.B \-w
Waits before termination
for an amount of time calculated from the number of characters in the message.
This is useful if it is executed as part of the logout procedure
to guarantee that the message can be read
before the screen is cleared.
.I Joke
with no arguments prints a random joke, which may be a fortune.
Additional flags:
.TP 5
.B \-s
Short jokes only.
.TP 5
.B \-l
Long jokes only.
.B \-o
Choose from an alternate list of jokes, often used for offensive ones.
.B \-a
Choose from either list of jokes.
..The user may specify a file of adages.
..This file must be created by strfile(6),
..and be given by the user as file.
..Only one such file may be named,
..subsequent ones are ignored.
Mail suggestions for new jokes to "fortune".
Ken Arnold
//E*O*F fortune.6//

echo x - fortune.c
cat > "fortune.c" << '//E*O*F fortune.c//'
char *sccsid = "@(#)joke.c 2.7";
/* modified to let you ask for a real fortune - GLS */
# include <stdio.h>
# include "strfile.h"

# define MINW 6 /* minimum wait if desired */
# define CPERS 20 /* # of chars for each sec */
# define SLEN 160 /* # of chars in short fortune */

# define reg register

short wflag = 0, /* wait desired after joke */
sflag = 0, /* short joke desired */
lflag = 0, /* long joke desired */
oflag = 0, /* offensive joke only */
aflag = 0; /* any joke allowed */
fflag = 0; /* fortune desired */

char fortfile[100] = FORTFILE, /* fortune database */
*usage[] = {
"usage: joke [ - ] [ -wsloa ] [ file ]",
" - - give this summary of usage",
" w - have program wait after printing message in order",
" to give time to read",
" s - short joke only",
" l - long joke only",
" o - offensive joke only",
" a - any joke",
" f - fortune cookie",
" Mail suggested jokes to \"fortune\""

long seekpts[2]; /* seek pointers to fortunes */

STRFILE tbl; /* input table */

main(ac, av)
int ac;
char *av[]; {

reg char c;
reg int nchar = 0;
reg FILE *inf;
int numforts, /* number of fortunes */
fortune; /* fortune number */

getargs(ac, av);
if ((inf = fopen(fortfile, "r")) == NULL) {
fread(&tbl, (sizeof tbl), 1, inf);
if (tbl.str_longlen < SLEN && lflag) {
puts("Sorry, no long strings in this file");
if (tbl.str_shortlen > SLEN && sflag) {
puts("Sorry, no short strings in this file");
if (fflag) /* FORTUNES ONLY */
numforts = tbl.str_delims[1] - tbl.str_delims[0];
else if (oflag) /* OFFENSIVE ONLY */
numforts = tbl.str_numstr - 1 - tbl.str_delims[1];
else if (!aflag) /* INOFFENSIVE ONLY */
numforts = tbl.str_delims[1];
else numforts = tbl.str_numstr - 1;
for (nchar = 15; nchar--; )
rand(); /* throw away first rand()s to make it better */
getfort(numforts, inf);
if (sflag)
while (seekpts[1] - seekpts[0] >= SLEN)
getfort(numforts, inf);
else if (lflag)
while (seekpts[1] - seekpts[0] < SLEN)
getfort(numforts, inf);
fseek(inf, seekpts[0], 0);
while (c = getc(inf)) {
if (wflag)
sleep(max((int) nchar/CPERS, MINW));

* This routine evaluates the arguments on the command line
getargs(ac, av)
int ac;
reg char *av[]; {

reg short bad = 0;
reg int i, j;

for (i = 1; i < ac; i++) {
if (av[i][0] != '-') strcpy(fortfile, av[i]);
else switch (av[i][1]) {
case '\0': /* give usage */
for (j = 0; j < sizeof usage / sizeof (char *); j++)
case 'w': /* give time to read */
case 's': /* short ones only */
case 'l': /* long ones only */
case 'o': /* offensive ones only */
case 'a': /* any joke */
case 'f': /* fortune cookie */
printf("unknown flag: '%c'\n", av[1][1]);
bad += (fflag + aflag + oflag) > 1;
if (bad) {
printf("use \"%s -\" to get usage\n", av[0]);

getfort(numforts, inf)
reg int numforts;
reg FILE *inf; {

reg int fortune;

fortune = roll(1, numforts) - 1;
if (fflag) fortune += tbl.str_delims[0];
else if (oflag) fortune += tbl.str_delims[1];
fseek(inf, (long)(sizeof seekpts[0]) * fortune + sizeof tbl, 0);
fread(seekpts, (sizeof seekpts[0]), 2, inf);

max(i, j)
reg int i, j; {

return (i >= j ? i : j);

roll(ndie, nsides)
int ndie, nsides; {

reg int tot;

tot = ndie;
while (ndie--)
tot += (rand() >> 3) % nsides;
return tot;
//E*O*F fortune.c//

echo x -
cat > "" << '//E*O*F'
/usr/local/joke -f $*

echo x - linearize.l
cat > "linearize.l" << '//E*O*F linearize.l//'
^\%\%.*\n printf("\n");
\n printf("~~");
//E*O*F linearize.l//

echo x - localjokes
cat > "localjokes" << '//E*O*F localjokes//'
Recipe for an Ash-Cake

Take a lot of water and add to it a lot of coarse Indian-meal and
about a quarter of a lot of salt. Mix well together, knead into the
form of a "pone" and let the pone stand awhile--not on its edge but the
other way. Rake away a place among the embers, lay it there and cover
it an inch deep with hot ashes. When it is done, remove it. Blow off
all the ashes but one layer. Butter that one and eat.
No household should ever be without this talisman. It has been
noticed that tramps never return for another ash-cake.
--Mark Twain
%% local stuff (sunybcs)
Hear the shrill synthetic BELs,
Keyboard BELs!
What a baneful beeping from those flimsy plastic shells!
In the waning hours of night,
When the bleary hackers labor
Till they feel in need of sleeping,
That's when all the user shells
Send their output softly creeping
Toward the margins on the right--
How the hackers leap with fright!
How they complement their leaping,
In the cacophonic chorus
Where no BEL jibes with its neighbor,
With an ill-considered litany of curses, oaths, and yells
At the BELs, BELs, BELs, BELs,
At the bleeping and the beeping of the BELs!
Seven-track tapes and nine-track tapes
And tapes without any tracks;
Stretchy tapes and snarley tapes
And tapes mixed up on the racks:
Take hold of the tape
And pull off the strip,
And then you'll be sure
Your tape drive will skip.
"The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll
find their money."

--Ed Bluestone

B Flitter flutter in the air,
How I wonder why you're there?
Chasing BATS is not much fun--
The worst is when you're killed by one.

--The Roguelet's ABC
Completely and totally eliminate all repetitive redundancy.
E Think again before you try
To impale a FLOATING EYE.
If you miss it with your sword,
You may soon be very bored.

--The Roguelet's ABC
F When into a room I plunge, I
Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
Then I linger, darkly brooding
On the poison they're exuding.

--The Roguelet's ABC
H If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
Slice him up before he slays you.
Nothing makes you look a slob
Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).

--The Roguelet's ABC
I First he deals a deadly blow,
Then he staggers to and fro.
His behavior would be risible
If it only could be visible.

--The Roguelet's ABC
J Darkened chamber, dismal howls;
Is it tigers, wolves, or owls?
Now I spy him through the gloom:
Dr. JACKAL, I presume!

--The Roguelet's ABC
K Cobalt's metal, hard and shining;
Cobol's wordy and confining.
KOBOLDS topple when you strike them;
Don't feel bad, it's hard to like them.

--The Roguelet's ABC
L See the funny little man,
Try and catch him if you can.
Quickly now! That's too slow--
Where did all your money go?

--The Roguelet's ABC
Len Cool's Law of Artificial Intelligence:

If it doesn't work, don't fix it.
R Here's a monster that will thrill you,
'Cause it doesn't try to kill you.
What a friendly little charmer!
I hope you're fond of orange armor.

--The Roguelet's ABC
Stenderup's Law:
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.
T One big monster, he called TROLL.
He don't rock, and he don't roll;
Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
He just Love To Eat Them Roguies.

--The Roguelet's ABC

No more manifestos!

More manifestos!
U There's a U--a Unicorn!
Run right up and rub its horn.
Look at all those points you're losing!
UMBER HULKS are so confusing.

--The Roguelet's ABC
Y As I was sitting down to eat, I
Cried, "I thought I heard a Yeeti."
Something growled, in accents weighty,
"Ho! Take that! You mean a YETI!"

--The Roguelet's ABC
//E*O*F localjokes//

echo x - obscene
cat > "obscene" << '//E*O*F obscene//'
Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
look at the other guy's.
-- Hal Hickman
The United States Army;
194 years of proud service,
unhampered by progress.
Do something big -- fuck a giant
Draft beer, not people
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
God is an atheist.
Blessed are the meek for they shall inhibit the earth.
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
He chuckled with mirth,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
Chaste makes waste.
Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
Coito ergo sum
God isn't dead -- he's been busted
The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
cactus has the pricks on the outside.
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
I came; I saw; I fucked up
Reagan can't _ a_ c_ t either
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
Getting an education at the University of California is like
having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely
inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not
inconsistent with a life of sin.
Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
man -- who has no gills.
Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere,
Yankee Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was
the new bait. The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese;
nobody cares much about cheese, except mice. But when American
Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
the country was hopelessly trapped.
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
"God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent
"Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
Occident: The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.
It is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce." These, also, are the
principal industries of the Orient.
"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to
watch him have another."
I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of having to stay
dead that scares the shit out of me.
-- R. Geis
History has the relation to truth that theology has to
religion -- i.e. none to speak of.
-- Lazarus Long
...the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the
Devil out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for
Them Toad Suckers

How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!

Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.

Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!

Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!

How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!

-- Mason Williams
There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
There was a young man from Bel-Aire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
A pretty young lady named Vogel
Once sat herself down on a molehill.
A curious mole
Nosed into her hole --
Ms. Vogel's ok, but the mole's ill.
A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker's, plus eight
Is his phone number -- give him a call..
Said Einstein, "I have an equation
Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
Let _ V be virginity
Approaching infinity;
Let _ P be a constant persuasion;

"Let _ V over _ P be inverted
With the square root of _ M_ u inserted
_ N times into _ V ...
The result, Q.E.D.,
Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire blind out of malice.
While this worthy had fits
The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along
And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
There was a young lad name of Durkin
Who always was jerkin' his gherkin.
His father said, "Durkin!
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
But another, more sane,
Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.
In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So
they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
and it stinks."

And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now,
the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
and none may abide by its strength."

And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
growth of the Laboratories."

And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
it was Good!
There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
So he built him some chicks
Of silicon chips
And hasn't been heard from since then.
There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
A virgin named Joan
From a bible belt home,
Said "This won't be much of a sin."
Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
licentious, dirty bum!!
"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
can't happen."
-- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
Because in their haste
They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)

Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when she is grown,
My very own clone,
We'll be of the opposite sex.

Clone, clone of my own,
With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when we're alone,
Since her mind is my own,
She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.

-- Randall Garrett
Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't
fruits and nuts is flakes.
There once was a young man named Gene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.
Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love?
Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up.
Sex is like a bridge game --
If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
_ H_ A_ D to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's
qualified for!
-- Michael Cain
"What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
didn't believe in God."
"I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
-- Joseph Heller
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
learned to walk.
-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
Conservative: One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
-- Leo C. Rosten
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
the first time.
-- Alfred E. Wiggam
A pretty young maiden from France
Decided she'd "just take a chance."
She let herself go
For an hour or so
And now all her sisters are aunts.
John Birch Society: That pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
-- Edward P. Morgan
Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
all will end as doves.
"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
scruples and the police."
-- Mr. Dooley
Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests. But what if he
Grain grows best in shit
-- U. K. LeGuin
All things dull and ugly,
All creatures short and squat,
All things rude and nasty,
The Lord God made the lot;
Each little snake that poisons,
Each little wasp that stings,
He made their brutish venom,
He made their horrid wings.
All things sick and cancerous,
All evil great and small,
All things foul and dangerous,
The Lord God made them all.
Each nasty little hornet,
Each beastly little squid.
Who made the spikey urchin?
Who made the sharks? He did.
All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small.
Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all.

-- Monty Python
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant
Who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar
Who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume
Schopenhauer and Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine
Who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya
'Bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed!

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away
Half a crate of whiskey every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart:
"I drink, therefore I am"
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker
But a bugger when he's pissed!

-- Monty Python
Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
place to shift.
Hackers know all the right MOVs.
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
Hackers do it with bugs.
AI hackers do it with robots.
Mathematicians take it to the limit.
Mathematicians do it in theory.
Statisticians probably do it.
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
Physicists do it with charm
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
Politicians do it to everyone.
Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
Communists do it without class.
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.
Missionary position: The missionary on top.
O'Riordan's Theorem:
Brains x Beauty = Constant.

Purmal's Corollary:
As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
availability goes to zero.
This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put
"di-dah" for the filthy words.
Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah,
Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah;
di-dah di-dah di-dah?
Di-dah di-dah di-dah.
Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
There was a young whore from kaloo
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!"
Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
still come out ahead.
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to
earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this
little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure
warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow
began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the
chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure,
he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him.

There are three morals to this story:

1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy.

2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your

3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth
The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's
chances to become a Senator. After all, if they won't allow California
fruit out of the state, how is Brown going to get to Washington?
Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
Aide to Raygun: Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
Raygun himself: Tell them to help themselves.
"How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the
government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be
lucky to escape with our skins!"
Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: NONE! Californians screw in hot tubs, not light bulbs!
...and then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps...
One day President Reagan, Chairman Brezhnev, the Pope, and a boy scout
were flying together in an airplane. Right out in the middle of
nowhere the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down.
Unfortunately, only three parachutes could be found for the four
passengers! Brezhnev grabbed one of the parachutes and declared
"Comrades, as leader of the socialist workers revolution, my life must
be spared." And he jumped out of the plane. Then Reagan exclaimed "As
leader of the greatest nation on earth, I must keep the world safe for
democracy." And with that he too jumped to safety. Now if you are
following all this (or counting on your fingers) you must see that
there is only one parachute left for the two remaining passengers. The
Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said "I have had a long and
productive life, my son. You take the parachute and leave me in God's
hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant scout replied, "but
there is no need. Reagan just jumped out with my knapsack."
Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?

...Seats 500.
Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your

A: If all your trashcan liners are missing...
If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
once arctic wilderness
-- Steve Martin
A Puritan is someone who is deathly afraid that someone, somewhere,
is having fun.
Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
This visage meek and humble,
And hear this confidential plea
Voiced in reverent mumble:
Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!

-- Ansel Adams
The Split-Atom Blues

Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline...
But if you split those atoms fine,
Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!

Gimme zits, take my dough,
Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll...
Call the devil and sell my soul,
But Mama keep dem atoms whole!

-- Milo Bloom
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
But a fullback from State
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus
There was an old man of the port
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
He hated to mend, so young Ned
Called in a cute neighbor instead.
Her husband said, "Vi,
When you stitched up his torn fly,
Did you have to bite off the thread?"
There was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
And she threw the switch,
As Crockett went off like a rocket.
Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
"Try as hard as I can,
I can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with."
A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
I once met a lassie named Ruth
In a long distance telephone booth.
Now I know the perfection
Of an ideal connection
Even if somewhat uncouth.
There was a young lady from Maine
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
But you knew from the view,
As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
A remarkable race are the Persians;
They have such peculiar diversions.
They make love the whole day
In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions.
A widow who fancied a man some
Was diddled three times in a hansom.
When she clamored for more
Her young man became sore
And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
There once was a Scot named McAmeter
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
It was not the size
That cause such surprise;
'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint

My back aches, my pussy is sore;
I simply can't fuck any more;
I'm covered with sweat,
And you haven't come yet,
And my God, it's a quarter to four!
I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
-- J. Edgar Hoover
A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely
called a liberal.
Nothing is better than Sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
Once a young gay from Khartoum,
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
Over who had the right,
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
Beckhap's Law:
Beauty times brains equals a constant.
Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
-- Robert Burton
I have a funny daddy
Who goes in and out with me
And everything that baby does
Daddy's sure to see,
And everything that baby says,
My daddy's sure to tell.
You _ m_ u_ s_ t have read my daddy's verse.
I hope he fries in Hell.
-- Ogden Nash
He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot, pink
damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
An Army travels on her stomach.
"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
-- W. C. Fields
The computer is the ultimate polluter: Its shit is indistinguishable
from the food it produces.
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
You need no longer worry about the future. This time tomorrow you'll
be dead.
We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a
schoolteacher, or an airline stewardess?
A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
A schoolteacher says: "We're going to have to do this over and
over again until we get it right."
An airline stewardess says: "Just hold this over your mouth and
nose, and breath normally."
Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
A: Fredericks of Ithaca, New York.
Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
-- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association
Kill a commie for Christ!
Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah be?
A: A fur coat.
This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore.
My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet. He goes around
with his head stuck up his ass.
"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on
a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
our "Big John" doll.)
Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
attempts ... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
-- R.E. Masters
I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
that has ever happened, and vice versa.
-- Frank Zappa
A hard man is good to find.
Vidi, vici, veni.
(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
A: Two hours of begging.
Randel -- n. A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an
apology for farting at a friend.
-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
Preposterous Words
Q. What do Nancy Reagan and an IUD have in common?
A. They're both stuck up cunts.
Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal
difference between the husbandryman and the historian is that the
former breeds sheep or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed)
facts. The husbandryman uses his skills to enrich the future; the
historian uses his to enrich the past. Both are usually up to their
ankles in bullshit.
-- Tom Robbins
"Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash."
-- Bo Diddley
"The whole world is about three drinks behind."
-- Humphrey Bogart
College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
later you wish you'd never come.
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
"A woman is like a dresser...some man always goin' through her
--- Blind Lemon Pledge
Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: it
stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
pick your friend's nose.
Which of the following doesn't belong?
(a) meat
(b) eggs
(c) wife
(d) blowjob.
Answer: (d) a blowjob because it's possible to beat your meat, your
eggs, or your wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.
"We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at
-- James Watt
Definition: Virgin -- an ugly third grader.
What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires.
There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
-- David Mairowitz
You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
get back inside.
-- Heathcote Williams
Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
hard you get fucked.
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
-- G. Gordon Liddy
If you can believe ten impossible things before breakfast, then you
should join


An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the
Flat Earth Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up
to cater to all who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way
of their beliefs. In addition to creation science and the flatness of
the earth, the following beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as
correct Church dogma:

-- That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from which
UFOs come.
-- That pi equals precisely 3.000.
-- That sex can be enjoyed only by blacks and homosexuals.
-- That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully squared
the circle.
-- That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.
-- That pi equals precisely 22/7.

Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being
studied, including Reaganomics, A.I., and that the moon landings were
done in a Hollywood special effects studio. These will be the subject
of a forthcoming Papal Bull.

To join, send $39.95 and 10% of all future paychecks to: Duane Gish,
CCB, San Diego, CA.
Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole
-- John Valby
Nancy Reagan wants divorce old Ron... seems he's making it hard for
everyone but her.

Overheard in a bar:
Man: "hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
-- Gore Vidal
"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the
-- J. K. Galbraith
This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
actual emergency, you would have known it!
Kasha: Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one
problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"? _ I
know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help you much.
There once was a lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
//E*O*F obscene//

echo x - realfortunes
cat > "realfortunes" << '//E*O*F realfortunes//'
!057\11 XAV a ni deppart m'I !pleH
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
Avoid him. He's a Commie.
A day for firm decisions!! Or is it?
Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a change.
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Artistic ventures highlighted. Rob a museum.
Avoid reality at all costs.
Bank error in your favor. Collect $200.
Be free and open and breezy! Enjoy! Things won't get any better so
get used to it.
Beware of low-flying butterflies.
Celebrate Hannibal Day this year. Take an elephant to lunch.
Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
Do not drink coffee in early A.M. It will keep you awake until noon.
Do not read this fortune under penalty of law. Violators will be
prosecuted. (Penal Code sec. 2.3.2 (II.a.))
Do not sleep in a eucalyptus tree tonight.
Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
Do what comes naturally now. Seethe and fume and throw a tantrum.
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't feed the bats tonight.
Don't go surfing in South Dakota for a while.
Don't kiss an elephant on the lips today.
Don't tell any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective.
Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Fine day to throw a party. Throw him as far as you can.
Fine day to work off excess energy. Steal something heavy.
Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
Give thought to your reputation. Consider changing name and moving
to a new town.
Good day for a change of scene. Repaper the bedroom wall.
Good day for overcoming obstacles. Try a steeplechase.
Good day to avoid cops. Crawl to school.
Good day to let down old friends who need help.
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
Green light in A.M. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic
Half Moon tonight. (At least it's better than no Moon at all.)
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
Help! I'm trapped in a VAX 11/750!
If you think last Tuesday was a drag, wait till you see what happens
Keep emotionally active. Cater to your favorite neurosis.
Message will arrive in the mail. Destroy, before the FBI sees it.
Next Friday will not be your lucky day. As a matter of fact, you don't
have a lucky day this year.
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
Perfect day for scrubbing the floor and other exciting things.
Please ignore previous fortune.
Screw up your courage! You've screwed up everything else.
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
Spend extra time on hobby. Get plenty of rolling papers.
Stay away from flying saucers today.
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
Succumb to natural tendencies. Be hateful and boring.
Surprise due today. Also the rent.
Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
Things will be bright in P.M. A cop will shine a light in your face.
Think of your family tonight. Try to crawl home after the computer
This fortune cookie program out of order. If desperate, please use the
program "randchar". This program generates random characters. Given
enough time, will undoubtedly come up with something profound. It will
take no time at all to be more profound than THIS program has ever
This fortune intentionally not included.
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
Today is a good day to bribe a high-ranking public official.
Tonight's the night: Sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
in eucalyptus trees.
Truth will be out this morning. (Which may really mess things up.)
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
You are wise, witty, and wonderful, but you spend too much time reading
this sort of trash.
You can create your own opportunities this week. Blackmail a
senior executive.
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the
first and last month in advance.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
You might have mail.
You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You are not paid enough
to worry.
You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
thing he tells you.
//E*O*F realfortunes//

echo x - sortjokes
cat > "sortjokes" << '//E*O*F sortjokes//'
cat $* | (linearize; echo '') | sort | delinearize
//E*O*F sortjokes//

echo x - strfile.c
cat > "strfile.c" << '//E*O*F strfile.c//'
# include <stdio.h>
# include "strfile.h"

* This program takes a file composed of strings separated by
* lines starting with two consecutive delimiting character (default
* character is '%') and creates another file which consists of a table
* describing the file (structure from "strfile.h"), a table of seek
* pointers to the start of the strings, and the strings, each terinated
* by a null byte. Usage:
* % strfile [ - ] [ -cC ] [ -sv ] sourcefile [ datafile ]
* - - Give a usage summary useful for jogging the memory
* c - Change delimiting character from '%' to 'C'
* s - Silent. Give no summary of data processed at the end of
* the run.
* v - Verbose. Give summary of data processed. (Default)
* Ken Arnold Sept. 7, 1978
* Added method to indicate dividers. A "%-" will cause the address
* to be added to the structure in one of the pointer elements.

# define reg register

# define DELIM_CH '-'

char *infile = 0, /* input file name */
outfile[100] = "", /* output file name */
delimch = '%', /* delimiting character */
*usage[] = { /* usage summary */
"usage: strfile [ - ] [ -cC ] [ -sv ] inputfile [ datafile ]",
" - - Give this usage summary",
" c - Replace delimiting character with 'C'",
" s - Silent. Give no summary",
" v - Verbose. Give summary. (default)",
" Default \"datafile\" is inputfile.dat",

short sflag = 0; /* silent run flag */

long ftell(), *calloc();

STRFILE tbl; /* statistics table */

main(ac, av)
int ac;
char *av[]; {

reg char *sp, dc;
reg long *lp;
char string[257];
int curseek, /* number of strings */
delim; /* current delimiter number */
long *seekpts,li; /* table of seek pointers */
FILE *inf, *outf;

getargs(ac, av); /* evalute arguments */

* initial counting of input file

dc = delimch;
if ((inf = fopen(infile, "r")) == NULL) {
for (curseek = 0; (sp = fgets(string, 256, inf)) != NULL; )
if (*sp++ == dc && (*sp == dc || *sp == DELIM_CH))

* save space at begginning of file for tables

if ((outf = fopen(outfile, "w")) == NULL) {
if ((seekpts = calloc(sizeof *seekpts, curseek)) == NULL) {
fwrite(&tbl, sizeof tbl, 1, outf);
fwrite(seekpts, sizeof *seekpts, curseek, outf);
*seekpts = ftell(outf);
fseek(inf, (long) 0, 0); /* goto start of input */

* write the strings onto the file

tbl.str_longlen = -1;
tbl.str_shortlen = 0077777;
lp = seekpts;
do {
sp = fgets(string, 256, inf);
if (sp == NULL
|| (*sp == dc && (sp[1] == dc || sp[1] == DELIM_CH))) {
putc('\0', outf);
if (sp != NULL)
*lp = ftell(outf);
li = ftell(outf) - lp[-1] - 1;
if (tbl.str_longlen < li)
tbl.str_longlen = li;
if (tbl.str_shortlen > li)
tbl.str_shortlen = li;
if (sp[1] == DELIM_CH && delim < MAXDELIMS)
tbl.str_delims[delim++] = lp - seekpts;
fputs(sp, outf);
} while (sp != NULL);

* write the tables in

tbl.str_numstr = curseek;
fseek(outf, (long) 0, 0);
fwrite(&tbl, sizeof tbl, 1, outf);
fwrite(seekpts, sizeof *seekpts, curseek, outf);
if (!sflag) {
printf("\"%s\" converted to \"%s\"\n", infile, outfile);
if (curseek == 1)
puts("There was 1 string");
printf("There were %d strings\n", curseek);
printf("Longest string: %d byte%s", tbl.str_longlen, tbl.str_longlen == 1 ? "\n" : "s\n");
printf("Shortest string: %d byte%s", tbl.str_shortlen, tbl.str_shortlen == 1 ? "\n" : "s\n");
* This routine evaluates arguments from the command line
getargs(ac, av)
int ac;
char *av[]; {

reg char **argv, *sp;
reg int i;
int bad, j;

bad = 0;
argv = &av[0];
for (i = 1; i < ac; i++)
if (*argv[i] == '-')
if (argv[i][1]) for (sp = &argv[i][1]; *sp; sp++)
switch (*sp) {
case 'c': /* new delimiting char */
if ((delimch = *++sp) == '\0') {
delimch = *argv[++i];
if (delimch <= 0 || delimch > '~' || delimch == DELIM_CH) {
printf("bad delimiting character: \\%o\n", delimch);
case 's': /* silent */
case 'v': /* verbose */
sflag = 0;
default: /* unknown flag */
printf("bad flag: '%c'\n", *sp);
else {
for (j = 0; usage[j]; j++)
else if (infile)
strcpy(outfile, argv[i]);
infile = argv[i];
if (!infile) {
puts("No input file name");
if (*outfile == '\0' && !bad) {
strcpy(outfile, infile);
strcat(outfile, ".dat");
if (bad) {
puts("use \"strfile -\" to get usage");
//E*O*F strfile.c//

echo x - strfile.h
cat > "strfile.h" << '//E*O*F strfile.h//'
# define MAXDELIMS 3

struct strfile { /* information table */
int str_numstr; /* number of strings in the file */
int str_longlen; /* length of longest string */
int str_shortlen; /* length of shortest string */
long str_delims[MAXDELIMS]; /* delimiter markings */
int str_unused; /* reserve space for later needs */

typedef struct strfile STRFILE;
//E*O*F strfile.h//

exit 0
Col. G. L. Sicherman

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