having an SO as a co-worker

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Greg Skinner

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Jan 3, 1985, 2:48:31 AM1/3/85
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How do people feel about having their SO/spouse as a co-worker? I imagine in
some ways it is convenient, and in others it's awkward. As far as convenience
goes, you can share rides to work, and you always have someone to eat lunch
with. On the awkward side, it can get pretty uncomfortable, I suppose, if you
and your SO/spouse have a fight and have to come in contact with each other
(how do you keep up appearances, etc.) and things could get really bad if you
break up, and the other person get another SO/spouse.

The reason I brought this up -- suppose I wanted to ask a co-worker out? I
know already what a lot of you are going to say "If you don't ask, you'll
never know, etc." which is real good advice. I don't mind so much if the
person doesn't want to go out with me, but I would feel a little embarrassed
if I had to see that person around a lot, and even more so (probably hurt
and jealous) if that person started going out with somebody else.

So now, you see how weird things are when a relationship isn't even started
yet -- I can't even imagine what it's like when one ends!
--
Baby tie your hair back in a long white bow ...
Meet me in the field, behind the dynamo ...

Greg Skinner (gregbo)
{allegra,cbosgd,ihnp4}!houxm!gregbo

Sunny Kirsten

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Jan 4, 1985, 12:09:59 AM1/4/85
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> How do people feel about having their SO/spouse as a co-worker? I >
imagine in some ways it is convenient, and in others it's awkward. >
So [] you see how weird things are when a relationship isn't even >

started yet -- I can't even imagine what it's like when one ends! --
As someone who has survived such a situation, I thought I'd
contribute... There was this company I used to work at, where I
happened, as a result of an accident (honest, an airplane crashed
through the local high voltage power lines feeding our industrial park
after it lost its wings in a collision with another plane) which killed
the power so we couldn't work, to meet another programmer I really
hadn't been acquainted with who had a steady mate, and I was married at
the time (unhappily), and the whole software department wound up all
having an early lunch together celebrating the birthday of our VP of
Software. By the time lunch was over (we sat next to each other) we'd
found each other intersting. Before a month had passed we were each
looking for our own apartments and leaving our previous mates behind.
For half a year we tried to keep our relationship undercover, but that
began to break down as people noticed us spending time together on
breaks, at lunch, etc., and before long people realilzed we weren't
attached to our previous partners anymore, and started to hit on us as
if we were single, when we were pretty attached to each other. Well we
got tired of living in different apartments, and trying not to be
obviously gaga over each other at work, which was fortunately helped by
working in different groups, and finally we said to each other, let's
get the heck out of L.A. and head for the mountains between silicon
valley and Santa Cruz. It wasn't that unworkable, we just really
wanted to make a geographical move, and finally had the right incentive
(each other) to do so. It had been difficult to make the transition to
being lovers while still working at the same company we met at, and we
only stuck it out there for a half a year, but our relationship lasted
a total of 3 years before we parted ways. Since then my ex got married,
and I'm on the verge of same with someone I've been serious about for over
2 years.
Sunny
--
{ucbvax,decvax,ihnp4}!sun!sunny

e.leeper

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Jan 4, 1985, 10:41:49 AM1/4/85
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REFERENCES: <10...@houxm.UUCP>

Having gone to undergraduate and graduate school with my spouse, as well as
working for the same company as him for 10.5 years (3.5 years with Burroughs,
7 years with AT&T), I have a few comments:

It is *generally* more convenient for car-pooling et al. This is true as long
as you're in the same building and working the same hours. Mark and I have
only one car, but when one or the other of us has to work over-time, it's a
hassle. (Luckily, our company is one of the more enlightened ones and will let
you "tele-commute" for your over-time if possible.)

Lunch is an iffy thing; we each prefer to eat with our immediate co-workers
(matching schedules, work discussions), so how often we eat lunch together is a
function of how close together we are in the organizational structure.

We have never worked *very* closely to each other--we were in the same
department at one time, but in different groups. The structure of large
companies seems to be such that people transfer around a lot. Currently, we
are in separate buildings, 4 miles apart. Anyway, we never fight. :-)

There were people who couldn't see how Mark and I could attend graduate school
together (competition with each other, etc.). It never was a problem to us,
and it made studying a lot easier to have someone to discuss problems with.

Starting a relationship with a co-worker is different. With a going
relationship, you've worked out most of the major questions (does he like me?
do I like him? will we end up going to bed together?); with a new
relationship, it's easy to commit a faux pas (at least in the other person's
eyes) which will make close contact at work difficult.

Also, some companies have anti-nepotism policies--if you end up
marrying a co-worker, you may be in for some hassles in that regard.

Frankly, I think working with a spouse is great, but, then, I've got a great
spouse!

Evelyn C. Leeper
...{ihnp4, houxm, hocsj}!ahuta!ecl

Laurie Topor

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Jan 4, 1985, 1:06:38 PM1/4/85
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> How do people feel about having their SO/spouse as a co-worker? I imagine in
> some ways it is convenient, and in others it's awkward. As far as convenience
> goes, you can share rides to work, and you always have someone to eat lunch
> with. On the awkward side, it can get pretty uncomfortable, I suppose, if you
> and your SO/spouse have a fight and have to come in contact with each other
> (how do you keep up appearances, etc.) and things could get really bad if you
> break up, and the other person get another SO/spouse.

My SO and I worked together for about a year before he actually became my
SO. During that time, we overcame our first impressions of each other (which
were not bad, just strange), and became good friends. We enjoyed lunching
together, going out for drinks after work, dinner a few times, and flirted
with each other outrageously (never realizing that we were both serious and
trying to get each other's attention). I had had a crush on him for the past
nine months or so, so when he told me he was leaving the company, I was
heartbroken because I thought I would never see him again.

Well, we started seeing each other during his last two weeks at work, and it
was not easy. It was hard for both of us to concentrate, difficult for us
to make it to work on time, and just as difficult for us not to leave early.
I think that if we had been seeing each other for a longer period of time
and the "newness" had worn off :-) it might have been easier to deal with,
but I can't say for sure. I know I would probably pester him to death; god
forbid if we had an argument and then had to go to work; it would really be
awful if we had to work closely together and we had a disagreement on how to
implement something (we can both be very stubborn at times). Even though the
lunches would be fun, and the ride-sharing to work would be nice, for me, at
least, I would prefer to work somewhere different (unless we had virtually no
professional contact during working hours).

How about you people that work for the same company as your SO/spouse? Did
you have probelms adjusting? Do you work together? I'd be interested to
hear some other comments.

Laurie

Anna Beaver

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Jan 6, 1985, 10:42:02 PM1/6/85
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> How do people feel about having their SO/spouse as a co-worker? I imagine in
> some ways it is convenient, and in others it's awkward. As far as convenience
> goes, you can share rides to work, and you always have someone to eat lunch
> with. On the awkward side, it can get pretty uncomfortable, I suppose, if you
> and your SO/spouse have a fight and have to come in contact with each other
> (how do you keep up appearances, etc.) and things could get really bad if you
> break up, and the other person get another SO/spouse.
>
> Greg Skinner (gregbo)

For a long time I made a practice of not dating co-workers, for the
reason that it IS very difficult to have to be and work around a person who
you had tried to get close to and it doesn't work out. The time I let friend-
ship over weigh this rule, I regretted it. My co-worker and I are not the good
friends we used to be. (This was a person who I worked very closely with)

On the other hand, If it is someone who works for the same company, but
in a different department, you don't end up spending TOO MUCH time together.
I almost didn't go out with my SO when he first asked me, because he worked in
our support group. Then I found out he was moving to a job in a different
building, so I said to myself "Self", I said, "This is a nice person who you
have liked for a while. Remember how your heart sank when he had told you about
his being involved, last year? So what if you still have a bad taste in your
mouth from YOUR last relationship. He has been a friend for a while, he would
understand not wanting to get INVOLVED. Didn't he get hurt over that last
relationship of his? What are you concerned about? we are just going to a nice
restraunt for dinner. After all we eat Breakfast together at work from time to
time."

That was almost a year ago. For a while we would eat lunch together
then he moved to a different section of the company so I'm back to reading at
lunch time. However, I get to eat breakfast and dinner with him. I look for-
ward to hearing what other areas of my company are doing and it's not the same
as talking about work with someone who has no idea what you are talking about.

One more thing. I haven't been happier.
Besides, don't people who love each other 'work together' to build a
good environment for themselves?

Annadiana Beaver
A Beaver@Tektronix

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