I suppose it would be a good idea if I asked her what sorts of things
she minded (or didn't mind) being said about her on the net. I was
wondering though how other people whose SO's or spouses occasionally
read about themselves on the net, or who other netters meet
occasionally, feel about posting personal details about their SO's or
spouses. Do you generally ask permission before posting? Are there
certain things about your relationship you wouldn't post? Do you think
this affects other people's perceptions of your SO? Do you think if you
are critical of your SO on the net that you are not giving them a chance
to defend themselves.
There is an old Chinese proverb that, loosely translated, says;
"If you don't want anyone to find out, don't do it"
Also, would you like it if your SO was publicly critical of you? Think
Don Licsak ihnp4!hsi!licsak
Health Systems International
New Haven, CT 06511
"For Peace Of Mind, Resign As General Manager Of The Universe"
[gds poses the delicate issue of discussing his honey on the net. Delicate
as she meets his net.pals and sometimes reads the news]
If I post about Andy-Bandy, I often mention the content to him. If he looks
*really* uncomfortable, I cut it. Sometimes I will make an observation and
we get into a "OK, put it on the net!" mode. This once resulted in a long-
lived discussion re men in the kitchen (a very entertaining discussion, I may
add- I never realized so many burly guys like to cook).
We keep our dirty laundry off the net. If we are not seeing eye to eye, we
discuss it in privacy. I found years ago that asking 10 people for advise
gives you 10 lousy and inapplicable opinions. This net is also read by our
current and potential employers. I'd be really embarrassed if my boss said,
"Hmm, have a spat with Andy?". I'd be even more embarrassed if I had an
interview at God.,Inc. (The place with the great perks) and had the interviewer
make some smug comment about my Dinner with Andy.
I still will tease Andy on the net and will quote him on general matters, but
it is pretty above board. A "do unto others policy" is a good guideline. Put
yourself in your honey's shoes when you type.
> I was
> wondering though how other people whose SO's or spouses occasionally
> read about themselves on the net, or who other netters meet
> occasionally, feel about posting personal details about their SO's or
I've had an SO who was famous on the net. I think I was harder on my
own postings than hers. In case she is reading, all of the examples I
am giving are just that, examples. DO NOT read anything into these!!
We talked about this very problem, and I asked that we not refer to
each other by names because 1) it would call attention to ourselves,
and I'm not really that kind of person, and 2) if we *did* want to get
an opinion from the net, we might get a more objective opinion if they
didn't know who that other person was.
I'm not ashamed of her, nor she of me. I just dislike publicity.
> Do you generally ask permission before posting?
No, but we trust each other to be sensitive. We both would find it
offensive, I think, to first learn of some problem in the relationship
through an article. ("I've got this problem with my SO that we've never
really discussed, and I'm wondering if my thinking on this is right or
wrong and should I even bother to bring it up ..." [you just did!])
> Are there
> certain things about your relationship you wouldn't post?
Certainly. As I said, I'm harder on myself than on her. There are
things I probably wouldn't post, but which if she posts doesn't
particularly bother me. There are some things, though, that would
bother me. For instance, it wouldn't bother me if she said her SO was
tall or short or pudgy or thin, or went to college or generalities like
that. Probably even stuff like "he's got this mole and it's shaped like
a ..." wouldn't be annoying. But things that put me down (and I admit
this is subjective!) would annoy me a great deal. ("He's fun and witty,
but he has absolutely no originality" would probably prompt a private
discussion. Don't talk about me in the third person! I might add that
to keep things completely inconsistent, I would not chastize her if she
stopped at the comma. [C'mon, I'm only human.])
> Do you think
> this affects other people's perceptions of your SO?
That's one of the main reasons I've rarely, if ever, mentioned her
name. A few other net people know who she is, I'm sure, and she is
friends with several of them. I don't know what their perception of her
is, and it is not my place to ask, or change it. I would not want
others, who *don't* know her, to use my obviously biased (either
favorably or unfavorably -- depends on my mood at the time!) opinions
as a basis for judging her. I would *never* say anything intentionally
degrading about her, no matter what the reason. I would take it up in
private (like all good netters should do :-))
> Do you think if you
> are critical of your SO on the net that you are not giving them a chance
> to defend themselves.
Yes, in part. Criticize in private, praise in public, I always say. I
always *try* to do that, though being human I'm sure I've not always
been successful. Our personal differences need to be worked out between
*us*. If she wants to discuss it privately with her net friends, that
doesn't bother me. But to post them to net.singles seems to be creating
an election I didn't campaign for and have no control over ("well, 35
people have responded and 23 thought he was a jerk and 12 thought I was
too hard on him. That's pretty much what I thought; I think I'll go
talk with him now." yecch. I've read all about it by now; spare me.)
If you think the msg I posted wrt my husband and housework was bad,
you should've seen what he sent to a rather large mailing list about
our sex life! I was pissed, embarassed and looking at divorce as a
real alternative. Since my husband and I met through electronic mail,
and since he's quite active on the ARPAnet, and since many people know
him better than me, anything that one of us posts has this devastating
tendency to get back to the other one. Ever since the aforementioned
discussions HE posted a few years ago, I make it a point to monitor
what he says. I don't consider it anyone else's business where I
do/don't like to be touched or whatever.
> Do you generally ask permission before posting?
If I consider the subject matter personal, yes. If I'm stating
something which I purport to be an opinion of his, yes. If I'm just
giving my viewpoint on something that doesn't affect him, no. If I
don't care what he thinks if he should see it, no. It's been a LONG
time since I've asked him for anything.
> Are there certain things about your relationship you wouldn't post?
Yes. I won't post anything about him where I'd object to him posting
something something similar about me. I also won't post anything
intimate without his okay.
> Do you think this affects other people's perceptions of your SO?
>Do you think if you are critical of your SO on the net that you are not
>giving them a chance to defend themselves.
Many people already have their own perceptions of my husband through
their own experiences with him. Those who haven't met him or who
don't know him well can and will be affected by what I do/don't say
about him. On the same note, many people who know him feel they know
me based upon things HE's said about ME, so it works both ways. My
husband is perfectly capable of logging onto a machine which carries
netnews and reading this group. He spends enough time reading the
BBoards at Stanford and flaming back every day!
* Any resemblance between my postings and any person, living or dead, *
* is purely coincidental. Besides, I'm only a guest user here... *
My apologies to anyone who has been hurt by what I've said in the past
Ann Muir Thomas