birds of a feather
And a road of my own....
The following item, supplied by Marian Weisenfeld, confirms my
belief that it's a turkey farm out there. . .
**************************************************************************
Well, folks, now that the warm sunny weather has finally touched the
northern hemisphere, and all those dreadful heavy coats have been
retired for the season, it is time once again for male watching. I
have, however, come across a pocket guide that will make this season's
sport much more interesting. The FIELD GUIDE to NORTH AMERICAN MALES
(available for perusal in my office) contains "everything you need to
identify the males of North America (including Nebraska)" <although they
could have left Nebraska out, I think!>. It includes information about
each species' courtship, mating, nest, song, track, and plumage
characteristics. Without going into lots of detail, the GUIDE classifies
males into seven families of closely related species, within which are
various subspecies. The seven species are:
Flocking Males
Pectoral Males
Urban Exotica
Suburban Exotica
Cranial Males
Greenbacks
Marginal, Accidental & Endangered
Just to give you a hint of what this season's male watchers have in store,
I have taken the liberty to include here four subspecies descriptions. So,
without further ado, here is an exerpt from Livingston's FIELD GUIDE to
NORTH AMERICAN MALES:
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SPECIES: Cranial Males
SUBSPECIES: The Hacker (homo computatis)
Description: Gangly and frail, the hacker has a high forehead and thinning
hair. Head disproportionately large and crooked forward,
complexion wan and sightly gray from CRT illumination. He
has heavy black-rimmed glasses and a look of intense
concentration, which may be due to a software problem or to
a pork-and-bean breakfast.
Plumage: All clothes have a slightly crumpled look as though they came
off the top of the laundry basket. Style varies with status.
Hacker managers wear gray polyester slacks, pink or pastel
shirts with wide collars, and paisley ties; staff wears
cinched-up baggy corduroy pants, white or blue shirts with
button-down collars, and penholder in pocket. Both managers
and staff wear running shoes to work, and a black plastic
digital watch with calculator.
Feathering: HOMO COMPUTATIS saw a Brylcreem ad fifteen years ago and
believed it. Consequently, crest is greased down, except for
the cowlick.
Song: A rather plaintive "Is it up?"
Habitat,
Range & Nest: Heavily concentrated in central California, Minneapolis, and
along Rt. 128 in Massachusetts. Rarely found in rural areas
and never anywhere without a mainframe. He tends to be the
only inhabitant of an expensive, unimaginatively furnished
three-bedroom condominium. One bedroom is totally given over
to his million-dollar idea; another serves as a storage area
for laundry and garbage. In the living room, drab furniture
is arranged around state-of-the-art electronic gear and a
large TV with a VCR and automatic rotating antenna.
HOMO COMPUTATIS only goes outdoors when travelling to and
from work. A night owl, he can often be seen at 1 a.m.
walking to his Datsun 280Z or Mazda RX7 in the parking area
of any company requiring an ID badge.
Courtship &
Mating: Due to extreme deprivation, HOMO COMPUTATIS maintains a near
perpetual state of sexual readiness. Courtship behavior
alternates between awkward shyness and abrupt advances. When
he finally mates, he chooses a female engineer with an
unblinking stare, a tight mouth, and a complete collection of
Campbell's soup-can recipes.
Track: Trash cans full of pale green and white perforated paper and
old copies of the Allen-Bradley catalog.
Comments: Extremely fond of bad puns and jokes that need long
explanations.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SPECIES: Cranials
SUBSPECIES: The New England Brooks (homo heritage)
Description: One of the oldest domesticated species in North America,
the New England Brooks is the result of selective
breeding, private schools, and fox-trot lessons.
Generally large and chunky with oversized teeth and feet,
he is aloof and socially selective, making him difficult
to approach and almost impossible to take home. Plumage
is expensive, tweedy, and loose, with a carefully casual
look. On weekends, seen in the company of large,
slobbery, pedigree dogs.
Plumage: Conservative, often custom-made, gray or blue suits from
stores established before the turn of the century.
Designed to look rumpled and relaxed, with full cuffs and
pocket flaps. Silk ties, tweed jackets, blue blazers
with bright brass buttons. Shirts limited to white,
blue, or ecru button-down oxfords (sometimes striped on
younger specimens).
HOMO HERITAGE avoids overt brand insignia except in
weekend wear: look for shirts, belts, and shorts with one
of three animals - an alligator, a polo pony, or a dead
sheep. Footwear is unique. Although many Businessmen
imitate the Brooks look, only a true Brooks would wear a
fine suit with clunky, heavy-soled shoes laced with a
minimum of eight eyelets. They also wear loafers with
tassel or penny compartment.
The true Brooks has special plumage for every occasion:
fly-casting gloves, bird-shooting pants, gardening hats,
and a large collection of footwear designed especially
for NEB sports - squash, bird watching, country strolling
and deck walking. He carries a black umbrella with
wooden handle when a 10% chance of precipitation is
reported. Only jewelry is a thirty-year-old watch, but
he is fond of small, well-made trinkets such as a tiny
Swiss Army knife, solid brass miniature compass, or
sterling silver pedometer.
Feathering: Groomed with tepid tap water, the fully tufted head has a
windblown look. Shaves with Caswell Massey shaving soap
and a badger bristle brush. Never moustached, but may
grow beard for special occasions such as an Amazon barge
botanical survey.
Song: "I really think...." Because of his regional accent,
this is sometimes interpreted as "I rarely think,"
causing him to be falsely identified with the artist.
Habitat,
Range & Nest: Indigenous to northeastern United States from Maine to
Maryland, but not New Jersey (except Princeton).
Frequently roosts in legal firms and banks founded before
his grandfather was born. In the city, he nests in
neighborhoods built before World War II; in the country
he avoids suburbs, preferring villages whose markets
stock Pepperidge Farm soups and the Sunday TIMES.
Courtship &
Mating: Inbreeding a religion. Invariably mates with NEB female
whom he courts at dinner parties. He has many young in
order to justify the purchase of a fifteen-room house.
Fond of wildlife and travel, HOMO HERITAGE will fly 5,000
mile for a 10-second glimpse of the rare Peeglee bird,
but prefers to nest within his beloved New England.
However, the changing economic climate has forced some
Brooks to reluctantly migrate to other areas, where they
make weak attempts to adapt -- creating a booming
industry for eastern mail-order catalogs.
Nest is overstuffed, comfortably worn and antiqued,
creating a dark claustrophic environment. Look for
family portraits in oils, funiture upholstered in silks,
handwoven cottons and leather, as well as oriental rugs,
and mate's custom needlepoint pillows depicting the
family pet. In kitchen look for cans of vichyssoise
soup, Carr's water crackers, and moldy jars of elderberry
jam.
Track: Well maintained Volvo, Rover or old convertible VW with a
lot of dog slobber on the back seat.
Comments: Eschewing everything common -- including Tom, Dick, and
Harry -- the Brooks generally has two last names such as
Ashton Playfair, Livingston Peterson, or Wellington
Winthrop, often followed by a roman numeral.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SPECIES: Urban Exotica
SUBSPECIES: The Esquire Strut (homo elegante)
Description: The peacock of the male world. Svelte, glossy and
impeccably put together, the Esquire Strut can be
recognized by his stylish facade and lackluster song. He
is common to office towers an fern bars, where he vies
for territory with the traditional New England Brooks.
Tall and trim. A few short specimens were bagged outside
the offices of the William Morris Agency, but no fat
struts have ever been officially recorded. A dedicated
Europhile who would never be caught dead in an American
car or American bathrobe, nevertheless, he draws the line
at European culture -- Esquire Struts are never seen at
the opera except on business.
Plumage: Designer everything. Underwear, cologne, sunglasses,
linens, and pocket tweezers all bear the name of French,
Italian, and, more recently, Japanese designers. Struts
are stylish, but rarely daring, and plumage is at least
six months behind that worn by trendsetting members of
the Eurotrash family. Usually wears pants without cuffs
and slip-on shoes, but no lasting plumage description is
possible since he molts with fashion trends. Heavily
scented. In addition to his fine suit, the true strut
always wears a woman to social events.
Feathering: An artificially enhanced natural look, generally short,
with minimal sideburns. Use of grooming oils common, but
vigorously denied. Struts may tentatively affect New
Wave feathering.
Song: "Who does your hair?" and "Where do you have your suits
pressed?" interspersed with standard business songs such
as "take lunch,""another round," and "high six-figures."
Habitat,
Range & Nest: Found in any city with an ad agency, except Denver. Nest
is modern and decorated with whites, primary colors, and
the low maintenance plants common to Hilton hotel
lobbies. Original signed abstract art in colors to match
decor, recessed ceiling lights, Levolors, and Soloflex
equipment.
Courtship &
Mating: Thrives on rotation. Rarely seen with females who are
not blue-eyed, thin, and over 5'8" in height. He mates
late in life with a female ten years younger or ten
times richer.
Track: Scent of Barclay cigarettes and citrus cologne. Catalogs
from Bloomingdale's.
Comments: HOMO ELEGANTE is a relatively new species developed for
entertainment during the otherwise dull 50's. In the
60's they were bred for advertising; in the 70's they
escaped into the business world. By the 80's they had
worked their way up to marketing and are now slowly
learning how to speak and think.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
SPECIES: Suburban Exotica
SUBSPECIES: The Gold Throated Tanner (homo coke)
Description: Slightly paunchy profile, hairy limbs, shirt open to
navel, tight pants. HOMO COKE turns a strange shade of
brown in the winter due to excessive use of instant
tanning lotions. His hairy chest displays multiple gold
chains. He knows everyone by name and greets one and all
with a big, hearty, salesman's smile.
Plumage: Hawaiian shirts (Italian silk on eastern varieties),
jeans or slacks at least one size too small, bikini
underwear with slogan such as "Brut" or "Rub the Genie."
Lots of gold jewelry including a large watch that sings
tunes. He sometimes will imitate the extinct Psychedelic
Hippie by wearing a beaded necklace, tie-dye T-shirt, and
handtooled belt.
Feathering: Very heavy. Always blow-dried. Full, wavy, and long on
top to cover bald spot. A thick, large moustache popular.
Note smell of biotin, jojoba, and other hair stimulants.
Top feathering may be removable or acrylic.
Song: A medley of "Tell you what,""You bet sweetheart,""Count
on it," and "Trust me."
Habitat,
Range & Nest: Heavily concentrated along the West Coast (including
Pasadena), in Las Vegas, Miami, and Akron, Ohio (in
July). Also found in any city with a singles bar that
doesn't have a cover charge. Snickered out of Boston,
Martha's Vineyard, and the entire state of Rhode Island
by native Brooks population.
HOMO COKE lives in developments with names like Beaver
Run, Powderhorn, and Shady Hollow Hills. Nest is
characterized by shag rugs, earthtone color-coordinated
appliances, refrigerator with ice dispenser, king-size
waterbed, elaborate headboard with inset mirrors and
speakers. Fond of gadgets -- lights and music that come
on with a clap of the hands,, vibrating chair, jockstrap
coasters inscribed "For Your Highballs," and mail-order
sex paraphernalia in closet. Ceiling mirrors.
Courtship &
Mating: Always on the make, even in auto registration offices.
Gold Throated Tanners gather in large noisy bars on
Friday afternoons for breeding and display. Marriage has
no visible effect on courtship behavior. Uses video when
courting.
Track: Binaca mist and Vicks inhalers in bathroom and car,
vanity license plates, single-edge razor blades on glass
coffee tables.
Comments: Many believe the colorful Gold Throated Tanner to be
little more than a subspecies of the Common Salesman.
Although sometimes seen with red Porsches, yellow
Jaguars, or other signs of wealth, he rarely achieves
financial stability because sunning, courting, and
snorting take up all his time and money.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
So there it is; happy hunting!
Your friend in Birdland --
-- Marian.
Tue 8-May-1984 10:57 EDT