Really Terrific Lawyer Jokes

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Mar 6, 1986, 4:13:25 PM3/6/86


Q: How do you tell the difference between a dead dog laying in the
road and a dead lawyer laying in the road?

A: You can tell by the skid marks leading up to the dog.

(they get better - honest; keep reading)


A large and important multinational corporation was looking for a
new CEO for one of its many varied and nameless subsidiaries. The
selection committee had narrowed the field to 3 promising
candidates: an engineer, an accountant, and a lawyer. All three
were immensely well-suited to the job, all three had superb
credentials, education, experience, successful and impressive track
records, the works. The committee was stumped.

Finally, they devised a simple test of common sense. They asked the
engineer to come into the conference room, sat him in a chair, and
asked, "How much is 2 plus 2?". The engineer thought a moment,
pulled out his calculator, punched the buttons for awhile, and said
"I would say, within an error probability of .00000005%, that 2
plus 2 is 4".

The committe thanked him, led him to the door and asked the
accountant to come in. When he was seated, they asked him the same
question: "How much is 2 plus 2?". The accountant smiled and said
"I'd have to say that 2 plus 2 is 4".

The committee thanked him as well, led him out, and asked the
lawyer to come in and sit down. They then asked him "How much is 2
plus 2?". The lawyer stared hard at each of them for a moment, then
got up, walked to the office window and closed the drapes, walked
back to the door and locked it, looked under the desk for tape
recorders, listening devices, etc., and checked the room thoroughly
for microphones, before coming back to the committee and sitting
down again. He looked at the committee and said "Well, how much do
you want it to be?"


One day the pope died (as popes will do now and then). He arrived
at the pearly gates, ready to receive his reward. St. Peter greeted
him warmly, like you would greet an old friend (after all, this IS
the pope ...) and let him inside the pearly gates to a modest
little place to live, slightly better than what a monk might live
in. The pope thanked St. Peter and sat down, contemplating how to
begin enjoying his eternal reward.

After some minutes, he heard band music playing outside his window.
He got up and looked outside at what appeared to be a parade going
by. Curious, he went outside to watch. A long procession of
marching bands, baton twirlers, floats, banners, marchers, and what
have you came by, until finally, after what seemed like hours,
along came a convertible with a normal-looking man in a suit
sitting up on the back seat, waving to the crown and getting wild
applause. The convertible then drove off to an extremely large and
opulent mansion and deposited the man, who waved again and went

After the parade, the pope was confused. He found St. Peter and said
"Look: I'm the Pope, I've led an exemplary life of piety, devotion,
and good works. Why was I placed in such a sparse accomodation,
with no real welcome to speak of, and then you have a huge parade
to welcome some average guy into a palace?"

St. Peter scoffed. "Look, Pope, guys like you are a dime a dozen.
We get holy pious people all the time. But that guy in the parade
is only the first lawyer we've seen up here since 1932!".


One day, a doctor, a civil engineer, a lawyer, and their prize
bird-dogs went duck hunting. They had quite a time of it, lots of
ducks to shoot, the dogs were busy, and as it turned out all three
hunters bagged the daily limit.

Sitting around the campfire that night, they had a royal feast,
gorging themselves on roast duck meat. After the ducks were eaten,
they were passing the bottle around, bragging about how smart their
hunting dogs were, and the liquor flowed faster and the lies came
out bigger and better, until finally the doctor said "OK, guys.
I'll SHOW you just how well trained MY dog is." Whereupon he looked
at his prize dog and said "Hippocrates! Sick 'em!"

The dog jumped on the pile of duck bones and began scuffling and
tussling, making wierd doggy kinds of noises and raising a huge
cloud of dust that soon enveloped the campsite and had everyone
choking and gagging. After about five minutes, the scuffling
stopped, the dust settled, they stopped coughing and opened
squinted through the dust to see the dog sitting smugly, wagging
his tail, next to an anatomically perfect duck chassis, made from

Needless to say, the engineer and the lawyer were impressed (and
of course who wouldn't be?). But, with the gauntlet thus thrown
down, the engineer had to go the doctor one better. So, he looked
at HIS prize bird-dog and said "Re-bar! Sick 'em".

Re-bar jumped on the pile of remaining bones and kicked up a huge
cloud of dust, scuffling and tussling for a good ten minutes, with
the three hunters choking and gagging all the while. When the dog
stopped, the dust began to settle, and when the hunters could see
again, there was the dog sitting next to a 30-foot long,
triple-span suspension bridge running through the camp, made from
(what else?) duck bones.

Well, the other two rocked back on their heels, duly impressed. The
lawyer, however, knew it was his turn. With a sly smile he looked
at his dog and said "OK, Loophole! Sick 'em!"

The dog leaped onto the bones with such fury that the camp was
immediately engulfed in a dense cloud of dust, branches, small
furry animals, etc., for at least an hour and a half. By the
time the dust settled the three hunters were almost dead from
suffocation, but were alive enough to see that the lawyer's dog
had eaten all the bones and screwed the other two dogs.


"OK! OK! I confess: I'm a lawyer. So SUE me!

Joel Gilman
Motorola/Computer X, Inc.

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