Sophie Tucker jokes

[beth d. christy]

So on one of Bette Midler's albums, she does (at least) four Sophie Tucker
jokes. I can only remember 3 of 'em. I'll tell the ones I know if somebody
will supply the other(s). Here goes:

(1) I wuz in bed last night with my boyfriend Ernie, and Ernie sez to me,
he sez "Soph, ya got no tits and a tight box." So I sez to him "Ernie",
I sez, "get off my back."

(2) I wuz talkin to my boyfriend Ernie's faddah the other night, and he sez
to me "Soph", he sez, "I'm 80 years old now, and I just got me a 20 year
old girlfriend. Whaddya tink o' that, Soph?". So I sez to him "Ernie,
Sr.", I sez, "when I get to be 80 years old, I'm gonna get me a 20
year old boyfriend, and I'll be a helluva lot better off than you are
now. Cuz Ernie Sr., let me tell you, 20 goes into 80 a helluva lot more
than 80 goes into 20."

(3) I wuz in be last night with my boyfriend Ernie, the World War I flying
ace. And just when things are goin good, he gets up and goes to garage
and comes back with gallon of gasoline, which he pours all over my
private parts. But when he stepped back to light a match, I sez to him
"Ernie", I sez, "whaddya doin?!" And he sez to me "Soph", he sez,"when
lucky Ernie goes down, he goes down in flames."

Anybody out there remember the rest??

Yours in inanity,
-- JB

[Thomas J. Olson]

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