Comedic Curses
Al Schwartz
compilation of some of the better Carnac "answer-question" pairs has been
posted in the past. Usually in the middle of the routine the audience will
indicate to Johnny that the routine is not that funny. For example,
Ed McMahon will say "I hold in my hand the last envelope", at which point
the audience will cheer. Next Johnny will retaliate with a "Comedic Curse"
such as:
"May a misguided platypus lay its eggs in your jockey shorts"
or "May a confused weightlifter clean and jerk your sister"
or "May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits"
which sometimes gets more of a laugh than the entire Carnac routine previous.
My question to you net.joke-sters out there: What is the funniest "Comedic
Curse" you have heard? Maybe someday we'll have a cannonical list.
--
Al Schwartz
Pacesetter Systems, Inc., Sylmar, CA
UUCP: {ttidca|ihnp4|sdcrdcf|quad1|nrcvax|bellcore|logico}!psivax!al
ARPA: ttidca!psivax!a...@rand-unix.arpa
Michael O'Brien
a legit malediction from the Arabic, which has some of the most colorful curses
in the world. Makes English look anemic by comparison, I'm told.
Bob Bickford
referring to Johnny Carson and his "Carnac" routines:
> My question to you net.joke-sters out there: What is the funniest "Comedic
> Curse" you have heard? Maybe someday we'll have a cannonical list.
How about May an unclean yak sit on your dinner.
K.Singhal - Systems Design
The best one I've heard (to the best of my recollection) :
"May Yule Gibbens eat your pine trees!" (the curse)
then putting the next envelope to his head:
"Natural Gas" (the answer)
"What do you get when Yule Gibbens eats your pine tree?" (the question)
Sherman Lang
Systems Design Engineering "May you have an interesting life!"
University of Waterloo - ancient Chinese curse
ron vaughn
>I'm sure you have all heard Johnny Carson do his Carnac routine. A net
>compilation of some of the better Carnac "answer-question" pairs has been
>posted in the past.
may your mother stop receiving her child support checks from
the pittsburgh steelers front four.
ron vaughn ...!ihnp4!ihdev!rjv
Phillip W. Servita
May you be rich enough to own a house with 100 rooms,
and may you be found dead in every one of them.
and my personal favorite:
May a carsick camel moisten your Egg McMuffin.
--
-------------------------------------------------------------
"they forcibly extracted the word 'but' from his vocabulary,
and locked him in a room with 10 economists..."
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-the venn buddhist
Edward C. Bennett
>
> My question to you net.joke-sters out there: What is the funniest "Comedic
> Curse" you have heard? Maybe someday we'll have a cannonical list.
>
--
Edward C. Bennett
UUCP: ihnp4!cbosgd!ukma!ukecc!edward
Kentucky: The state that is being dragged, kicking and screaming,
into the 20th century.
"Goodnight M.A."
Mark W Fouraker
--
Mark W Fouraker
Georgia Institute of Technology, Atlanta Georgia, 30332
...!{akgua,allegra,amd,hplabs,ihnp4,seismo,ut-ngp}!gatech!gitpyr!grampa
t...@kestrel.arpa
yiddish, or maybe yidnglish, or maybe a book about anger, or the
"old" country. Anyway:
May all your fine teeth get mad and bite off your nose.
May you own a hotel with a thousand rooms and you be found dead in each one.
May you have many daughters, who all marry [some sort you generically
don't like].
gra...@gitpyr.uucp
>In article <5...@well.UUCP> r...@well.UUCP (Bob Bickford) writes:
>>In article <9...@psivax.UUCP>, a...@psivax.UUCP (Al Schwartz) writes,
>>referring to Johnny Carson and his "Carnac" routines:
>>> My question to you net.joke-sters out there: What is the funniest "Comedic
>>> Curse" you have heard? Maybe someday we'll have a cannonical list.
>>
>>How about May an unclean yak sit on your dinner.
May a sick ox make bubbles in your hot tub.
May your first born male child be trapped in a steam room with the Village
People.
Stuart Lomas
"May your finger get stuck in your nose, and the nail continue to grow"
(I have forgotten the origin of this one)
Jeff Sargent
The following is about the nastiest jab:
My daughter-in-law, may she live to be a hundred and twenty, and may she have
to live all her years in *her* daughter-in-law's house.
Larry Denenberg
>I remember some of these from some book or other on the joys of
>yiddish, or maybe yidnglish, or maybe a book about anger, or the
>"old" country. Anyway:
The book is {\it May You...! How to Curse in Yiddish} by Joe Singer.
Some of my favorites:
May you sweat in labor a hundred and sixty years, then give birth to a
nice turle-hedgehog-porcupine.
May your children not forget you as they kneel to pray.
(Jews never kneel in prayer.)
May you be blessed with a son so smart he learns the mourner's prayer
before his Bar-Mitzvah speech.
May your mother-in-law not have to be carried to your funeral.
(You should die young enough for her to walk there under her own steam.)
May your enemies get cramps in their legs as they dance on your grave.
May there be more than one of you to bear the mountain of misery and grief
I wish upon you.
May you fall in the outhouse just as a regiment of Ukrainians finishes a
prune stew and twelve barrels of beer.
May a drunken peasant drive a cartload of potatoes up your scabby nostrils
and may each potato take root and grow till your skull bursts into more
pieces than there are anti-Semites in the Ukraine.
/Larry Denenberg
larry@bbncc5
Bob Bickford
"May an unclean yak sit in your dinner."
Actually, I have to admit reading it in the book "Superman: Last Son of
Krypton" (which is [very] loosely based on the movie) in which Lex Luthor
(responding to the question "You told me your second favorite pastime.
What's first?") says "Having an unclean yak sit on my dinner." and Superman
replies "Johnny Carson, 1967" to which Lex remarks "Right. I forgot about
your total recall."
Hope that clears everything up...
Robert Bickford (r...@well.uucp)
================================================
| I doubt if these are even my own opinions. |
================================================
Craig Werner
> in the world. Makes English look anemic by comparison, I'm told.
Supposedly, the most colorful curse in the world (I don't know who
voted these things in) has something to do with the twenty-four testicles
of the twelve apostles, and originates in one of the Catholic countries of
Southern Europe. I unfortunately have not kept up with this particular
field, so can enlighten you no further.
--
Craig Werner
!philabs!aecom!werner
"Never attribute to malice what can be adequately explained by stupidity."
d...@uvacs.uucp
(The very *idea* of line eaters is preposte
My curse:
May the bluebird of happiness take careful aim as it flies over you.
--
Dave Montuori (Dr.ZRFQ) UUCP: ...!decvax!mcnc!ncsu!uvacs!dam
UVa CS dept, C'ville, Va. CSNET: dam@virginia
First Law of Teddy Bears: Cuddle.
rob@ctvax
Memorable Carnac Curse:
"May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H."
...convex!ctvax!rob
Irvan J. Krantzler
referring to Johnny Carson and his "Carnac" routines:
> My question to you net.joke-sters out there: What is the funniest "Comedic
> Curse" you have heard? Maybe someday we'll have a cannonical list.
How about:
May you fall into an outhouse just as a band of Ukranians has
finished a prune stew and twelve barrels of beer.
Al Schwartz
Another that I heard last night on the syndicated "Carson's Comedy Classics":
"May the Swami of Baghdad squat on your fez"
J.ELLIOTT
My two favorites from the Johnny Carson ("TONIGHT") Show:
"May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister!"
and
"May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!"
Jan Elliott
AT&T Bell Labs, Holmdel, NJ
....hounx!jansz
Tim Thompson
May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
--
Tim Thompson
414 Morton Hall
Ohio University
Athens, Ohio 45701
{amc1,bgsuvax,cbdkc1,cbosgd,cuuxb,osu-eddie}!oucs!tim
Disclaimer: If the University finds out what I'm doing, they probably
couldn't care less.
Tom Nadas
tell me what song it was or who did it or what label it is available
on or how phonograph records are made or why the earth is flatter
on its axes than it is around its circumference. In fact, don't
send me any mail at all and don't post any follow up articles.
But feel free to talk amongst yourselves.)
May the bird of paridise fly up your nose
May an elephant caress you with its toes
May your wife be plaqued with runners in her hose
May the bird of paridise fly up your nose
Ron Williams
(not Tom Nadas, but an
incredible simulation)
--
Tom Nadas
UUCP: {decvax,linus,ihnp4,uw-beaver,allegra,utzoo}!utcsri!tom
CSNET: tom@toronto
Mr. Blore
skirt.
"Look over there, a dry ice factory. Good place to get some thinking done"
--
Mr. Blore, the DJ who would not die
{hplabs, seismo}!hao!udenva!showard
or {boulder, cires, ucbvax!nbires, cisden}!udenva!showard
Rudy M Rumohr
>May a deranged midget on a pogo stick take refuge in your sister's hoop
>skirt.
>
>
>
>"Look over there, a dry ice factory. Good place to get some thinking done"
>--
Steven Wright line:
Somebody came up to me the other day and asked, "Hey, if I melt dry ice, can I
go swimming without getting wet?"
I said, "I dunno. Let me ask Ralph."
--
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Rudy Rumohr Jr. 3339 N. Charles St
Apartment 1-AL
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allegra!hopkins!jhunix!ins_armr
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Necessity dictates the insertion of an appropriate disclamatory proclamation
into this section of this missive, both for assuredness of legality, and to
satisfy my lust for bombast.
"I've seen sex, and I think it's OK." -- Talking Heads