List of "Comedic Curses" from net postings
Al Schwartz
similar to the ones used by Johnny Carson in his "Carnac" routine.
The following is a list of the reply mail and postings I received. Enjoy.
>From: a...@psivax.UUCP (Al Schwartz)
"May a misguided platypus lay its eggs in your jockey shorts"
"May a confused weightlifter clean and jerk your sister"
"May the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits"
"May the Swami of Baghdad squat on your fez"
>From: r...@well.UUCP (Bob Bickford)
May an unclean yak sit on your dinner.
>From: r...@ihdev.UUCP (ron vaughn)
may your mother stop receiving her child support checks from
the pittsburgh steelers front four.
>From: rfra...@bbnccv.UUCP (Roger Fradenburgh)
"May your only son become a goalie on a nudist hockey team."
>From: fo...@cbosgd.UUCP (Mark Fohl)
May a wino wring out his t-shirt in your punch bowl.
May the Tijuana Chamber of Commerce name a free clinic after your sister.
>From: kish...@watdcsu.UUCP (K.Singhal - Systems Design)
"May Yule Gibbens eat your pine trees!"
>From: mei...@linus.UUCP
May a carsick camel moisten your Egg McMuffin.
Old jewish curse:
May you be rich enough to own a house with 100 rooms,
and may you be found dead in every one of them.
>From: t...@kestrel.ARPA
I remember some of these from some book or other on the joys of
yiddish, or maybe yidnglish, or maybe a book about anger, or the
"old" country. Anyway:
May all your fine teeth get mad and bite off your nose.
May you own a hotel with a thousand rooms and you be found dead in each one.
May you have many daughters, who all marry [some sort you generically
don't like].
>From: edw...@ukecc.UUCP (Edward C. Bennett)
"May your sister receive a Mother's Day card from the Harlem Globetrotters."
>From: pe...@andromeda.UUCP
May a weird holy man use a Black and Decker tool on your only sister.
May your only son be voted Miss Congeaneality (sp?)
May an unclean camel leave an offering on your new carpet
May a weird plumber unclog your sisters pipes
and of course an Irish curse:
May all your teeth fall out but one and may you get a cavity in that
one.
>From: lden...@bbncc5.UUCP
(on the subject of yiddish curses):
The book is {\it May You...! How to Curse in Yiddish} by Joe Singer.
Some of my favorites:
May you sweat in labor a hundred and sixty years, then give birth to a
nice turle-hedgehog-porcupine.
May your children not forget you as they kneel to pray.
(Jews never kneel in prayer.)
May you be blessed with a son so smart he learns the mourner's prayer
before his Bar-Mitzvah speech.
May your mother-in-law not have to be carried to your funeral.
(You should die young enough for her to walk there under her own steam.)
May your enemies get cramps in their legs as they dance on your grave.
May there be more than one of you to bear the mountain of misery and grief
I wish upon you.
May you fall in the outhouse just as a regiment of Ukrainians finishes a
prune stew and twelve barrels of beer.
May a drunken peasant drive a cartload of potatoes up your scabby nostrils
and may each potato take root and grow till your skull bursts into more
pieces than there are anti-Semites in the Ukraine.
>From: gra...@gitpyr.UUCP
May a sick ox make bubbles in your hot tub.
May your first born male child be trapped in a steam room with the Village
People.
>From: wasau...@watdragon.UUCP (Alec Saunders)
May the good lord place a cauliflower up your ass and infest it with
Cabbage Worms. (from a novel by Roch Carrier)
>From: s...@myrias.UUCP (Stuart Lomas)
"May your finger get stuck in your nose, and the nail continue to grow"
>From: aeq@pucc-h (Jeff Sargent)
Paddy Chayevsky's "The Tenth Man" contains several curses on daughters-in-law.
The following is about the nastiest jab:
My daughter-in-law, may she live to be a hundred and twenty, and may she have
to live all her years in *her* daughter-in-law's house.
>From: ra...@sphinx.UChicago.UUCP (Bob Hettinga)
"May the rowboat of your life break apart in mid-lake, and may your mother
be unable to find help as she runs barking along the shore."
>From: d...@uvacs.UUCP (Dave Montuori)
May the bluebird of happiness take careful aim as it flies over you.
>From: i...@gitpyr.UUCP (Irvan J. Krantzler)
May you fall into an outhouse just as a band of Ukranians has
finished a prune stew and twelve barrels of beer.
>From: drs...@watlion.UUCP (Daniel R. Simon)
The book "How to Curse in Yiddish" contains many more curses, some of them
delightfully subtle....
May you do so well in life that your widow's second husband never has to
worry about making a living.
May they find thousands of new cures for you each year.
May you have devoted children to chase the flies off your nose.
May you never have to visit such a filthy place as a bathroom or outhouse.
May your daughter's beauty be admired by everyone in the circus.
May you grow so wealthy you can afford only the finest specialists.
May the sun and the spring breeze warm you and caress you like an apple
as you hang from a tree.
>From: rob@ctvax
"May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H."
>From: ja...@hounx.UUCP (J.ELLIOTT)
"May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister!"
"May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!"
>From: t...@oucs.UUCP (Tim Thompson)
May the bluebird of happiness twiddle your bits.
>From: sho...@udenva.UUCP
May a deranged midget on a pogo stick take refuge in your sister's hoop
skirt.
>From: kir...@sjuvax.UUCP
may a thousand elephants in heat rumble past your hotel room while you are
hosting the world playing card house building championships...
From: sdcrdcf!trwrb!trwrba!suhre
"May a depraved dentist fill your sister's cavity!"
--
Al Schwartz
Pacesetter Systems, Inc., Sylmar, CA
UUCP: {ttidca|ihnp4|sdcrdcf|quad1|nrcvax|bellcore|logico}!psivax!al
ARPA: ttidca!psivax!a...@rand-unix.arpa
Bruce Jones
>I posted an article to net.jokes a while ago asking for "Comedic Curses"
>similar to the ones used by Johnny Carson in his "Carnac" routine.
>The following is a list of the reply mail and postings I received. Enjoy.
>
"May your life be filled with lawyers"
bjo...@sdcsvax.ARPA
Bennett Broder
> In article <10...@psivax.UUCP> a...@psivax.UUCP (Al Schwartz) writes:
> >I posted an article to net.jokes a while ago asking for "Comedic Curses"
> >similar to the ones used by Johnny Carson in his "Carnac" routine.
> >The following is a list of the reply mail and postings I received. Enjoy.
Here is another one:
May you be like a chandelier:
Hang and burn.
--
Ben Broder
{ihnp4,decvax} !hjuxa!catnip!ben
{houxm,topaz}/
M.P. Lindner
> similar to the ones used by Johnny Carson in his "Carnac" routine.
> The following is a list of the reply mail and postings I received. Enjoy.
>
> >From: a...@psivax.UUCP (Al Schwartz)
> "May a misguided platypus lay its eggs in your jockey shorts"
Some friends and myself made up a couple of pseudo-irish "blessings."
My friends made up the ones you don't like.
May the road rise to meet your face.
May you be dead half an hour before the devil finds you.
%) Mike L.
NOTE: this smiley means "poster likes picasso"