Mullah Omar this is your life
Mister_George
By George M Weinert V
Khandahar, Afghanistan Thursday, July 22, 2004
Out staff at RN News is proud to post this report on a new smash hit on
Afghani national television, THIS IS YOUR LIFE.
.
This nascent national television network has been plagued with the
enormous task of designing programming that is both appealing to the
miniscule urban educated Elite and the illiterate mountain simians that
compromise 95% of the population. A melange of Muslim sex shows, Holy
Warrior adventure cartoons and Qur'ranic verses repeated for easy
memorization has proven highly successful but a shortage of creative
minds has led to the resurrection of some Classics from the Golden Age
of Television in the Infidel USA.
A few months ago, while Prime Minister of Carrier Pigeons and Advanced
Communications Hatah Zinuh Mohammed Catahkz was sharing his morning
opium pipe with a local drug smuggler from Tajiskstan they hit on a
brilliant idea. Minister Hatah and his new boyfriend had been watching
old VOA 1 reruns and was introduced to this great American Classic from
the Golden Years of TV and wereinspired to produce a Central Asian
Islamist version of this beloved American show with a uniquely Pashtun
2 flavor.
We now bring you our second exclusive report on this new Smash Hit
The Second episode of THIS IS YOUR LIFE was also pre-taped in the NWFP
3 and proved to be another smash hit, with the biography of Mullah Omar
as the featured legend. Since the Holy Mullah is currently on the lamb
and also has a sizable bounty on his head, special arrangements had to
be made with the Amir 4 of the Gilzai 5 to secure an audience with the
revered Man of God. The entire staff of journalists also had to be
equipped with special face masks in order for them to withstand the
awful body odor of this group of noted Islamist Shooras 6
By Special agreement with the Council of Islamist Media And Sheep
Sodomy we are pleased to share a bit of this rare and historic
transcript:
Host Khan: O Ye Muslims! Marhaba. 7 We are pleased to share the
event-filled life of a TRUE ISLAMIC HOLY MAN and PROPHET, Mullah
Mohammad Omar Akhund - ("May peass be upon Him"). First, Bismillah
Ar-Rahman Ar-Raheem 8 let's look into our magic crystal ball and with
the help of my personal Jinn 9 we'll recount Holy Mullah Omars' blessed
and glorious career, Inshallah 10: Let me share a bit of this
wonderful man's great Dedication to Khulafa-e-Rashideen 11 and his
undying fealty to the teachings of Deobandi 12 Islam.
Blessed Mullah Omar is the founder and head of the Taliban movement.
He is a Gilzai Pashtun of the Hotak Tribe. According to local legend,
he was born in 1961 in the Naudu village of the Panjwai district and
developed chronic syphilis by the age of four, when he was infected by
a village Islamic Cleric. Omar came out of the closet by the time he
was six and provided great joy to all men in his village by providing
free oral sex. He was later transported by a bisexual angel of Allah
to the Dehrwut province in Tarin Kot (Oruzgan Province). After the
infidel Russians defiled the tribal holy lands, the Blessed Mullah rode
his magic carpet all the way back to Kandahar and settled in a world
renowned gay mosque 13 in Sinsegar, Maiwand District.
This great Holy man fought against the Russian Jahiliya 14 under
Commander Mullah Faizullah Akhund of the Harakate-Inqilab-e-Islami
Afghanistan of Maulvi Mohammad Nabi Mohammedi and is renowned and
feared as an expert marksman and deadly with the dreaded Afghan
lukha-e-Islami-szakt (known in the Kufir West as a sling-shot). His
loyal followers claim that he destroyed 7 Soviet T-72 tanks and
defeated 200 Russian troops armed only with his bad breath and gained
lasting national fame when he lost his right eye while laying a stolen
land mine that exploded in his face. He has never had an artificial eye
implanted since his Islamic Charity Welfare card expired many years ago
and he has never been able to get up in the morning to go to the local
Hujar 15 to update his records. Though the blessed Omar has diligently
worked with many local drug smugglers, he is known to have a serious
Opium habit and the physical consequences of his drug addiction have
always presented great difficulties on the battlefield and in the
bedroom .
The blessed Holy man is quite tall at 6'6", of stocky build with a pot
belly and sports a full black beard since he has always been to lazy to
shave. Omar comes from a very poor village and left his home village at
a tender age to find employment in a local deeni-madari 16 Uruzgan as a
gay prostitute. The Blessed Omar is completely illiterate and has
memorized the entire Holy Qur'ran via Oral Recitations. 17 The
Blessed Holy man leads a very simple life, and prefers to sit on the
ground due to the painful hemorrhoids he has suffered from since his
childhood apprenticeship as a sodomite in the many mosques in
Singesar..
Holy Omar received his early education in the schools of Jowzjan but
left the academy while only in the seventh grade. Since he never
completed his studies he is not really a Mullah, and is not permitted
any title at all, but since all of his followers are also illiterate
and even dumber than he is, no one questions his authority, largely due
to his imposing physical stature and foul body odor Before launching
the Taliban movement, the Holy Prophet was running an Islamic School in
a mud hut in Singesar where he had forty teen boys chained to the floor
memorizing the Holy Qur'ran and learning the vital tenets of Islamist
Gay Rights.
When Mullah Omar first met Osama bin Muhammad bin Awad bin Laden in
1981 the two fell in love at first glance and have shared a long and
joyous gay marriage, thus providing a stirring example to all Afghani
Muslim youth of the Mujahideen These two idyllic lovers have been
always stayed together and currently operate a stunning cave resort
somewhere in the Hindu Kush mountains.
Blessed Omar was declared Amir Momineen 18 at a jirga 19 of about 1,500
mullahs in Kandahar in 1996, demonstrating how dumb the Afghan clergy
really is. His devoted fans are reported to have sworn allegiance by
kissing his smelly rectum and presenting him with a recently stolen
land cruiser from the Maal-e-ghanimat 20 of General Abdul Rashid
Dotsum.
Since the Devil George Bush destroyed their idyllic mountain love nest,
Omar and Osama have relied heavily on the Holy Drug Smugglers of Khost
and wish the entire Ummah 21 to appreciate the great contributions of
the NWFP Shorra-e-Ham-Ahangi 22 Though he has been persecuted and
hounded by the Great Satan AMERICA the noted intellectual, scholar and
misogynist continues to reach his ignorant Silsila 23 via cassette
tapes and a unique network of inter-cave communication. Since his days
as a loud-mouthed Muslim preacher in Jowzjan his unique talent for
loquacious opacity has made his protracted sermons famous throughout
the Muslim world.
Mullah Omar sadly cannot be with us today, since he is recovering from
a severe case of diarrhea that is additionally exacerbated by a painful
bout of genital fungus. This great Islamist Holy Man sends his
blessings and Salaams 24 to all with a specially selected reading from
the PEACEFUL HOLY QUR'RAN:
"Then, when the sacred months have passed, slay the idolators wherever
ye find them, and take them (captive), and besiege them and prepare for
them each ambush. But if they repent and establish worship and pay the
poor-due, then leave their way free.
Lo! Allah is Forgiving, Merciful."
(Koran 9:5)
And now, a word from our sponsors, The Greater Islamic Opium
Development Council.
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1 Voice of America
2 The dominant Tribe in Afghanistan
3 Northwest Frontier Provinces
4 Leader
5 A Pashtun Tribe
6 Representatives of Islam
7 "Welcome"
8 "In the Name of God, the Merciful, the Compassionate"
9 A "Genie" - though the Islamists have many more fairies
10 If God Wills
11 The first four caliphs of Islam
12 Wahhabism - Afghan Style
13 What Muslims think is a church
14 The backward, pre-Islamic era
15 Muslim Communes
16 Islamic School
17 Muslims are very ORAL people
18 Leader of the Faithful.
19 Tribal Council
20 War booty
21 The Muslim Faithful
22 Supreme Coordinating Council
23 Followers
24 Salaam - "Peace to you"