A Future for Saddam?
Mister_George
By Mr. George M Weinert V
Now that Hussein's progeny, Huday and Qusay are eddaay and safely
locked in HELL we must address problem of "What to do" with Saddam
Hussein:
I HAVE A GREAT IDEA!!
Remember we have to be concerned with the future of poor Saddam. If
you study his life, you'll find that his is just a simple country boy
who joined the resistance attempting to engineer a coup d'etat in Iraq
in the 1950's because he couldn't get a job and they were the only guys
in Iraq that had a bathtub.
Hussein enjoys quasi-mythical status in Iraq thanks to his ever-present
portrait and influence. There are a number of feature length films
shown on Iraqi TV and in theatres that detail his ONE AND ONLY real
accomplishment in life - the attempted assassination of the ruler in
power in the 1960's. I've seen parts of it and it is quite rousing,
portraying a brave, handsome and virile young Saddam who is wounded in
this attempted coup, flees into the Iraq desert (clenching a dagger in
his teeth yet), swims across a raging river and finally finds refuge in
a Mosque (where the Clerics have pity on this poor homeless boy). It's
quite a piece of mindless propaganda but the Iraqis seem to enjoy this
sort of infantile adventure and like being entertained and brain-washed
at the same time.
This grand mystique, however could prove very advantageous for all
concerned. Since Saddam already has an international reputation with
some of the more dim-witted folks he can NOW HAVE A FUTURE AND EVEN GET
A JOB!
Now it we do have a peaceful settlement, and Hussein gets away, he's
gonna have a BIG PROBLEM - HE WILL HAVE TO FINALLY GET A JOB! This
atavistic anthropoid has NO EDUCATION to speak of (he dropped out of
high school, and though he does hold a college degree, he got it by
marching into the university president's office with 12 of his armed
goons and simply demanding one and of course the university gladly
complied) and no marketable job skills so this will create a real
problem.
So if we exclude the highly competitive positions of tyrant, dictator,
president, faghib, "Supreme Leader", killer and thug the job prospects
for Hussein look bleak indeed!
Now here's MY IDEA:
Maybe we can offer Hussein a CABLE TV SHOW? Now I'm not really sure if
they have a sect of "born again" or "saved" Muslims but if not, Saddam
can always start one! Heck, he sure has more credentials than some of
the myopic "Mullahs" in Afghanistan, so this ought to be a breeze!
Perhaps it could be "The Hussein Holy Hour", "Spirituality with
Saddam", "Reflections on Jihad" or some other witty Iraqism. Who
knows?
Now I don't know if there is a 'born again' or 'saved' faction with
Islam but if there is not, Saddam can always start one; he does have
some very convincing associates. As a 'Born Again" Muslim TV Preacher,
he could expound on the many benefits of His Special version of Islam
such as:
1) As Many wives as you can afford
2) As many concubines and mistresses as you can handle
3) Beheadings in the Public Square
4) Amputations of hands, legs, ears and other offensive body parts
5) License to rape, rob and kill all 'infidels'
6) Religiously sanctioned political imprisonment, torture and murder
7) An eternal reward in a 'heaven' filled with oversexed virgins and
young boys for male pleasure
8) Hashish and Opium at Daily Prayer
Now he already has plenty of videos to show of his 'political'
prisoners being tortured and killed and it ought to be no problem for
him to arrange for 'guest spots' from sweethearts like Mullah Omar, bin
Laden (don't worry, Hussein knows where he is), Arafat and lots more as
well.
If he's smart and brings some of his "Republican Guard" out of Iraq
with him, they can do LIVE demonstrations on how they gassed, robbed,
raped and killed innocent Kurds and bayoneted small babies (this for
the late night crowd only of course!) If Saddam has been on his toes,
he probably has many videos of these events to watch late at night with
his mistress (Before he takes his Viagra).
These professional goons could also demonstrate their best techniques
for looting and plundering. They can also offer many tips on how to
brutalize and kill captives as they did in Kuwait.
It wouldn't be too difficult for him to contact some of his sultan pals
in Saudi and get a few dozen harem concubines and dancers on loan and
assemble a Muslim Version of the "Rockettes" complete with authentic
belly dancing and veil peeling.
Remember also that a lof of these folks make great rugs and some even
know how to fly them so this offers great potential for assorted
variety acts, complete with turbaned Bedouins in full desert gear.
Let's not forget all those great tricks they can do with the camels,
and it is rumored that their goat herders can handle a ram like no
other.
Perhaps we can start him off small, say with an early Sunday morning
Holy Hour on some cheesy cable channel but this can grow as billions of
people become aware of it.
Once things get rolling, he can go prime time, get into books,
cassettes and videos carrying the message of his MURDEROUS VERSION OF
ISLAM and will be on easy street fast!
He'll need a sidekick of course and it is rumored that Tariq Aziz can
do a great snake charming act when he's not busy lying though his teeth
so this one ought to be a snap.
Heck, this dude can be the next MUSLIM BILLY SUNDAY! and if his tribe
handles it right, make as much or more than he ever could stealing the
oil profits! Someone's gotta make the offer, though!
Now I know this is going to be a great cultural shock for the Supreme
Leader - he HAS NEVER HELD A REAL JOB IN HIS ENTIRE LIFE. I know some
good folks that can get him into the "Welfare to Work" program at the
Illinois Department of Pubic Aid for some job readiness skills
training. He'll have to do it anyway, since his food stamp benefits
will be cancelled if he fails to look for REAL WORK.
You've heard of CBN (Christian Broadcasting Network)? Wow this guy
could even pioneer MCN (the Muslim Cable Network). Wow, this is hot!
So we make Saddam this offer and show him HOW MANY DINARS he can make
in a week, and he's gonna FORGET ALL ABOUT ANY FUTURE LIFE AS A
DICTATOR AND COME TO THE USA TO MAKE THE BIG BUCKS!
Can I get nominated for a Nobel Peace Prize now, Ollie?
God Bless America, Mr. George M Weinert V