Osama, this is your life
Mister_George
By George M Weinert V
Khandahar, Afghanistan Thursday, July 22, 2004
Out staff at RN News is proud to post this report on a new smash hit on
Afghani national television, THIS IS YOUR LIFE.
.
This nascent national television network has been plagued with the
enormous task of designing programming that is both appealing to the
miniscule urban educated Elite and the rural illiterates that
compromise over 95% of the population. A mix of soap operas, Arabic
Holy Warrior adventures and Qur'ranic cartoon shows has proven highly
successful but a shortage of creative minds has led to the resurrection
of some Classics from the Golden Age of Television in the Infidel USA.
A few months ago, while Prime Minister of Carrier Pigeons and Advanced
Communications Hatah Zinuh Mohammed Catahkz was sharing his morning
opium pipe with a local drug smuggler from Tajiskstan they hit on a
brilliant idea. Minister Hatah and his boyfriend had been watching old
VOA reruns and was introduced to this great American Classic from the
Golden Years of TV and was inspired to produce a Central Asian Islamist
version of this beloved American show with a uniquely Pashtun 1 flavor.
We now bring you this exclusive report on this new Smash Hit
Television viewers across Afghanistan have been thrilled and delighted
by a totally new Afghani Version of the American Television 1950's hit
"This is Your Life". The host, Dr. Qazi Hassein Ahmed Mohammed Mufti
Khan is an old veteran of Asian media and brings over 25 years of
telegraph and ham radio experience to his new role as media superstar.
The show opens with a reading from the Holy Qur'ran by Imam Gul Nishat,
a nationally respected head of the "Bad-e-Naseem" 2 deemi madari 3 in
Khost. Featuring a salubrious chorus line of 72 well endowed virgins
in full burqas, 4 the show begins with a rousing Pawanda 5 dance
number, accompanied by an indigenous orchestra of drums, finger cymbals
and cave logs as the featured weekly celebrity is introduced.
The first episode had been pre-taped in the NWFP 6 and proved to be a
smash hit, with Amirul Momineen 7 Osama bin Laden as the featured
guest. By Special agreement with the Council of Islamist Media And
Goat Sterilization we are pleased to share a bit of this historic
transcript:
Host Khan: O Ye Muslims! Marhaba. 8 We are pleased to share the
event-filled life of a TRUE ISLAMIC HOLY MAN AND CHAMPION OF GAY RIGHTS
- Sheikh Osama bin Laden ("May peace be upon Him") with you tonight.
First, Bismillah Ar-Rahman Ar-Raheem 9 let's look into our magic mullah
10 mirror and with the help of my personal Jinn 11 we'll review Sheikh
Osamas' blessed and glorious career, Inshallah 12: Let me share a bit
of this great holy man's early life.
Sheikh Osama thinks he was born sometime in 1955 though no one seems to
be certain. His father, Sheikh Mohammad was a poor talib 13 from a
primitive part of South Yemen who hit the big time by bribing local
officials and once established in business migrated to Saudi Arabia to
get started in government corruption and theft on a truly grand scale.
Mohammad Sr. was incredibly horny and had over 48 children from his
four wives, all but one of whom died of exhaustion in the early 1960's.
Osama thinks his mother was one of the Syrian concubines but is not
really sure since it became very difficult to keep track of the many
births in the bin Laden family tent. Sheikh bin Laden Sr. owned the
largest construction company in the Kingdom and became a billionaire
many times over by paying huge financial kickbacks to the Royal Family
and providing cheap sex in exchange for securing many huge government
contracts. 14
Osama's father was killed in a suspicious helicopter crash in 1968 so
poor little Osama was orphaned at the tender age of 13 and left nearly
penniless with an inheritance of only $80,000,000.00. Despite this
tragic event, the dedicated and studious Osama continued his laborious
considerations at King Abdul Aziz University at Jeddah and graduated
with a Major in Civil Engineering and a Minor concentration in Camel
Husbandry in 1979. The prescient young entrepreneur soon opened the
"Bad-e-Simoon" 15 Gay Bar and Call Boy Center in Riyadh and had just
started Saudi Arabia's only Islamic Phone Sex Service in 1980 when the
Soviet Union invaded Afghanistan, calling all Holy and Devout Muslims
to the Jihad. 16
The financial plight of the Afghani Mujahid 17 and the
Tawaif-al-Malluki 18 appealed to the felonious nature of bin Laden and
the opportunities for drug smuggling seemed limitless so he moved his
entire Jabha 19 to Peshawar in 1984. Since Homosexuality was commonly
accepted and even religiously sanctioned by Islam in this ancient land
his sex business rapidly took root and made him a widely beloved
national figure. He was able to secure many AWQAF20 in order to bring
thousand of homeless Afghani orphans into his highly successful
prostitution service and also provided thousands of oversexed sheep to
the local Ulama. 21
When the Soviets finally withdrew from Afghanistan, Sheikh Osama
returned to Saudi Arabia and was forced to run his sex business via
proxies. In 1990, when one of his star call boys was beheaded for
public sodomy, bin Laden became disillusioned with the strict Wahhabi
Fiqah 22 of the Kingdom and began to plot the overthrow of the Ruling
House of al-Saud. He was expelled in 1991 for his efforts and
eventually stripped of his Saudi citizenship. Holy Sheikh Osama and
his nefarious enterprises then migrated to the maghreb dictatorship of
Sudan.
When arriving, Sheikh Osama was given a warm welcome by the leading
mullahs and scholars of the ruling Islamic dictatorship and set about
supporting the large variety of militant groups that had dedicated
their lives to global Jihad and Islamist Gay Rights. In May of 1996
the Sudanese government asked Sheikh bin Laden to leave when he refused
to pay the required Jizya 23 on four of his busiest male prostitutes,
who had recently been imported from France.
In early 1997, Sheikh Osama returned to Afghanistan and settled into a
spacious and well-appointed cave in the Hindu Kush mountains. Once the
Holy man had outfitted his austere surroundings with satellite phones ,
high definition television and wireless Internet, he met his old
mujahideen comrade and son-in-law, the Blessed Mullah Muhammad Omar
Akhund on a business trip to arrange for the shipment of the newly
designed inflatable houri 24 dolls with a pre-lubricated anus that
his Islamist Sex Toy Company was about to introduce to the Herat
province. .
Once the two Holy men had engaged in mutual oral sex, Sheikh Osama once
again found the Islamist zeal that had consumed him since his
university days and vowed to forever expel all Shirk 25 and Kuffaar 26
from the lands of Dar-al-Salaam 27 and restore the Golden Age of the
Islamic Caliphate. This Holy quest became his sole Da'wa 28 and he
realized that the Great Haq 29 of his life was to be the Ma'Ma' 30 with
the "Great Satan" - the Infidel United States.
Holy Sheikh Osama has dedicated his entire life and considerable
finances to strict observance of the Sharia 31, Jihad and unbridled
lust and now spends all of his time in prayer and meditation while
smoking the pearl opium pipe he has diligently sucked on since early
childhood.
After the Devil Jew swine attacked the USA'a World Trade Center in
September of 2001, the lies of the American Zionist Press and the EVIL
NEOCONS focused attention on this great Holy Man and his luxurious
estate in the Hindu Kush mountains along with his summer cave complex
in Tora Bora. Both were attacked and totally destroyed by the Great
Satan George Bush and his Nazi Army, cruelly killing over 40 innocent
mountain goats This noble Holy man is actually just misunderstood and
filled with Islamist peace and love for all and even sports a large
bumper sticker on his favorite camel that reads:
The unbelievers among the People of the Book and the pagans shall burn
for ever in the fire of Hell. They are the vilest of all creatures.
(Koran 98:1-8). .
And now, Alhamdu lillah 32 we present Holy Sheikh Osama Bin Muhammad
Bin Awad Bin Laden!
The curtain parts, revealing a 6'6", thin and somewhat gaunt older man
with a long white beard carrying a long wooden cane. The imposing
figure stares blankly at the cameras and seems to be momentarily
blinded by the bright stage lights. After regaining his composure he
tentatively steps forward and loudly shouts "Allahu Akbar!" 33 while
vigorously scratching his crotch.
"Ahalan wa Sahlan 34 Holy One", Dr. Khan pronounces, "We are honored
that a faghib 35 as Blessed as you has joined us here today on THIS IS
YOUR LIFE. Could you share a few words of ISLAMIST Wisdom with our
devoted Donnabi 36 viewers?"
Sheikh Osama begins to speak but a large wet spot suddenly appears on
the front of his white robe and liquid begins to trickle onto the
stage. The Holy Man, in an uncharacteristic bit of anger proclaims,
"OH SHIT! These DAMN US-MADE DIAPERS LEAKED AGAIN!" and he turns to
make a hasty exit, leaving a puddle of urine behind him. As the
startled audience watches he rushes to the wings but stops abruptly and
LOUDLY PROCLAIMS, "DEATH TO AMERICA!" as he angrily shakes his
walking stick at the stunned viewers. He then beats a hasty retreat,
leaving a startled Dr. Khan alone.
The host professionally comes to the rescue and closes the show by
urging his Devote viewers to always remember the Peaceful Words of the
Prophet (SWT):
"We shall say: 'Lay hold of him and bind him. Burn him in the fire of
Hell, then fasten him with a chain seventy cubits long. For he did not
believe Allah the tremendous, and urged not on the feeding of the
wretched. Today he shall be friendless here; filth shall be his food,
the filth which sinners eat... '
(Koran 69:30-37)
Dr. Khan, in true AMERICAN CAPITALIST PIG fashion then comments, "And
now, we pause for a brief word from our new sponsor, the Greater Kabul
Islamic Taxi and Rickshaw Service - where every rids is an adventure!"
Well, at least they ARE trying.
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1 The dominant Tribe in Afghanistan
2 "Fresh Breeze"
3 Commonly known as "Madrassas" - Islamic schools for the poor
4 Traditional Islamic Dress for women that covers them completely from
head to toe
5 "Gypsy dance"
6 Northwest Frontier Provinces
7 "Leader of the Faithful"
8 "Welcome"
9 "In the Name of God, the Merciful, the Compassionate"
10 Yet another title for a Muslim Cleric
11 A "Genie" - though the Islamists have many more fairies
12 If God Wills
13 "student"
14 This is the normal prescription for success in the business
communities of Al-Alam
15 "Hot Desert Wind"
16 Holy War in defense of Islam
17 One who fights for the cause of Islam
18 Free for All
19 A group of people - usually a political party
20 Islamic Religious endowments
21 Islamic Clergy
22 Islamic Code of Justice
23 A tax levied on non-Muslims in Islamic lands
24 The Sexual slave girls and boys that Muslims are promised in Islamic
heaven
25 Polytheism
26 Infidel
27 The Muslim Ummah or Faithful
28 Call or Creed
29 Truth
30 Confrontation
31 Islamic Law
32 Thanks be to God
33 "God is Great!"
34 Welcome
35 big Chief
36 The "Sect" of Islam most common in Afghanistan