20 Jokes That Only Intellectuals Will Understand

[Manoj Menon]

 
 

[Amit Kshirsagar]

Few more...some might overlap to Manoj's list

How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None: the lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but the light bulb has to want to change.

How many Natural Selectionists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Well actually, we won't even TRY to change the bulb. We will simply stop using the room that has the burned out bulb, and start using only rooms with FUNCTIONING bulbs. That way, over time, ....

What’s the difference between an etymologist, and an entomologist? An etymologist knows the difference.

A biochemist walks into a student bar and says to the barman: “I’d like a pint of adenosine triphosphate, please.” “Certainly,” says the barman, “that’ll be ATP.”

Why do Marx and Engels drink herbal tea? Because all proper tea is theft.

Why are quantum physicists terrible in bed? Because when they find the position, they can’t find the momentum, and when they have the momentum, they can’t find the position.

The masochist said to the sadist “hit me” and the sadist replied “no”.

A woman comes home to find her string theorist husband in bed with another woman. “But honey,” he says, “I can explain everything!”

Why didn’t the quantum particle cross the road? He was already on both sides.

Two cats are sitting on a roof. Which one slips off? The one with the smallest mu.

Descartes walks into a bar. “Beer?” asks the barman. “I think not,” replies Rene, and then he disappears.

What do you get if you cross a zebra with a banana? Zebra banana sine theta.

A palindrome walks into a bar, says “Yasraba Otni Sklawem Ordnilapa”.

*“Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”****

 Q: *What does a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac spend most of his time doing?

*A:* Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.****

 *Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”****

 *The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.****

* A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.****

* *Q:* What do you call two crows on a branch?

*A:* Attempted murder.****

* An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer:

“Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”****

 *A student traveling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does****Boston****stop at this train?”

 *Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”****

* An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.****

 *What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.****

* Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”****

 *A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”****

On Friday, 14 March 2014 11:38 AM, Manoj Menon <manojm...@hotmail.com> wrote:

 
 

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