Joke-Rated: Farmhouse Headache & GAS & more

[Deidre Prout]

>Farmhouse Headache
>
>Those of you who have been in your place for 15 years or longer
>will know what I mean as you read along. Those of you who
>have just purchased your ancient "dream farmhouse", fasten
>your safety belts: THIS IS A DARK RIDE!
>
>Our place was built circa 1810. Apparently every owner since
>then has been exactly like us: we only fix what absolutely needs
>to be fixed, and never have time, energy, or money to do one iota
>more. Consequently the whole place is as original as a 184 year old
>house can be: only two coats of paint have thus far sullied the
>1920 plaster walls, for example.
>
>We bought the place in 1983. All major systems had been updated
>in the late 60's and 70's. Until last year, we've been sailing
>along, happily oblivious to the fact that beneath the peaceful
>exterior, demons of decline were at work.
>
>Hark ye well and prepare! It started last spring with the furnace.
>First the blower motor went. Then one part of the motor. Then the
>entire motor. Next came the pipes under the sink. Something went
>kaflooey (hey, if I were a plumber, I could afford to fix the place
>up better!) and the whole faucet assembly and part of the pipes
>had to be replaced. An insidious leak soon developed in another
>hot water pipe. This pipe resisted sweating and bonding with
>the repair gunk. Drip---drip---drip---for about a week until
>the thing could be wrestled to the floor and repaired properly.
>
>But then, of course, the hot water heater started acting up,
>no doubt jealous of the attention the pipe had gotten. Hubby
>was feeling very Tim Allen-ish and proudly came home from HQ
>with a new water heater. Strangely enough, the installion
>directions mentioned colored wires, colors which did not match
>the wires we already have. Hubby thought and thought and
>thought, and finally decided he probably had the answer and
>called HQ's "help desk" for confirmation. "Yeah, go ahead, that
>sounds right" said the glib info-man. When hubby asked for the guy's
>name in case something went wrong, all gaiety dissolved from his
>voice. "Errrrr...maybe you'd better speak to the manager" he said.
>The manager said, "I dunno, you'd better call the manufacturer".
>The manufacturer's directions were completely and unexpectedly
>different, but worked. (Well, the house didn't blow up). Three
>hot-waterless days later, we had hot water again.
>
>Well, with all that hot water, did we really need a furnace?
>Hubby said he felt like he had the flu all the time. Nauseated
>and lethargic, generally crummy. Suddenly the furnace gave out.
>The oil repairman came and promptly said, "You hain't ben usin'
>this thaing, have ye?" We stared. "You hain't got no firebox
>no more! Better not use it - yuh might dah of carbon monoxide
>poisoning!" Test results from the family doc, taken earlier in
>the week for the strange flu, confirmed carbon monoxide poisoning.
>Ah well, and we always thought we'd die of old age - how boring.
>New furnace was installed for a mere $3,000.
>
>Hmmm, now the lawn on the west side of the house seemed to
>retain an awful lot of moisture. But boy, was the grass ever
>growing! And funny how the snow melted on that side of the
>house before anywhere else.....until one day, eeee-yyew!
>It became apparent the heat and moisture were coming from the
>septic tank. We managed to find where the bugger was, had the
>honey wagon come and pump it. Wow, we have an 1100 gallon tank!
>How neat. Except......the pumping didn't work. The grim looking
>engineer arrived almost daily for a week. He walked our property,
>sticking sticks in the ground, hmmming and aahhing all the while.
>When all was ended, he cheerfully told us we needed an entirely
>new leaching system, which could probably be gotten for a mere
>$4,000. Oh, and, by the way, it can't be in the same place the
>other one was. Oh, no. Times have changed. In order to meet
>code, we'll have to do a little re-arranging. Just a tiny bit;
>like taking down all our fencing on that side of the house
>(dog and horse pasture fence, which we only slaved to death over
>just 3 years ago, but hey). And then there's the matter of those
>two stone walls that will need to be partially taken down. And
>then the 75 square feet or so of our horse pasture we will lose
>to the new system.
>
>Have I forgotten the water system? The water just decided
>to come to a quiet halt one day. The little "points" box on the
>expansion tank was gone. Okay, easy. $25. It hums along for
>a few more weeks...then no water again. Now it's the Jacuzzi
>box (don't get your hopes up: its the brand name, we don't have
>a Jacuzzi like you imagine). $140 later, that is fixed. Two
>days later, no water again. Well, slap me with a herring and
>call me wet, but now it's the water pump! Sounds easy, you say?
>Ha ha ha. Trying to be funny? Our esteemed pump is 200 feet down
>inside a drilled point well. Two days and $800 later, we have
>a new pump. Ever tried lugging water for 2 horses and 3 sheep
>from a 20' abandoned well, way far away from the barn? You haven't
>lived. Oh, and by the way, though you CAN get water, the opening
>of the well is only big enough to permit a 2 gallon bucket.
>So to fill 5 gal pails, you have to pull up 3 small buckets. Then
>carry the 5 gal pails way over to the barn, and fill up the 40-60 gallon
>tanks. (And hope the critters don't decide to back up to the tanks
>and make a deposit, as rarely happens, but is bound to happen at
>a time like this). That H20 lasts about a day. Of course it's the
>hottest weather of the year, and they're all thirsty! Meanwhile,
>back inside the house, no water. Not for drinking or cleaning or
>flushing.....a state of affairs you cannot truly appreciate unless
>you experience it. I think all politicians should be forced to
>live this way for awhile. Might change their high and mighty
>attitudes.
>
>This was just a brief overview. I haven't even touched on the
>subject of wiring gone bad, leaky roofs, or floors that look as
>if they were laid by drunken sailors. And tubs!!! (sob).
>
>Why haven't we moved to a condominium yet? Hell, that cushy
>life would be way too boring after all this. Despite the
>trials, there's also the tribulations. (Peace, quiet, scenery,
>and neighbors who are always willing to help----well, we won't
>discuss Pete coming over to "help" us hook up a generator and
>blowing up the microwave-----Hey, Mr. Scientist, I think yore
>gonna need another Timmy!
>
>Alicia and the Mulberry Farm gang
>-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
>---
>GAS
>
>The setting is Disneyland, "The Happiest Place on Earth," where I had joined
>a couple of friends for a day of fun and adventure. After paying something
>approaching $30 each to get in, we wanted to conserve what little was left
>of our cash for important things like rubber lizards and the air hockey
>tables, so when it came time to eat we opted for a quick-n-cheap lunch
>rather than fine dining in one of their numerous restaurants.
>
>Lunch consisted of one of those burritos in a plastic bag, and a can of
>cola. I could go into great detail here, but why bother. You know
>precisely what I'm getting at here: INTESTINAL GAS!
>
>Funny thing is, lunch didn't seem to give me any problem. I don't think I
>flatulated once the whole afternoon. More junk food was consumed. Many
>violent games of air hockey were played. Little did I know what my bowels
>had in store.
>
>So late in the afternoon we step in line for the Jungle Cruise ride (you'll
>also find rubber lizards for sale in this area). The lines at Disneyland
>are densely packed in a serpentine configuration such that it's pretty much
>impossible to bail out from the middle. As I shuffle around a bend deep
>into the line, I notice there's a little girl right behind me who it
>would seem has been genetically engineered to be just the height that
>would place her nose precisely in line for problems. "Wouldn't it be
>funny," I think to myself, "if I had to flatulate right now?" We
>continue shuffling through the densely-packed line, and just as we come
>to the exact center of the line, with the small, innocent child mere
>inches away and at least 20 feet of human bodies in all directions and
>nowhere to run, I did just that. I passed gas. However, this was no
>ordinary flatus. Nothing like this has crept from my bowels before or
>since. This was ... The Doomsday Fart!
>
>You know the expression, "silent but deadly"? You couldn't have heard this
>one with a stethoscope, but Landsat 4 probably picked it up in the
>thermal band. It was simply unholy. A fart that could melt diamond.
>The oil fires of Kuwait couldn't hold a candle to this thing. Chernobyl?
>Child's play! Weather patters were disrupted. LAX was "fogged in." The
>world knew a new evil on this day. A voluminous, hot, humid, painfully
>burning fart that makes the greenhose effect look like a pleasant
>alternative. It probably knocked down a couple local trailer parks just
>for good measure. I farted only once on this day, but it was more than
>most people will manage in a lifetime.
>
>The line started moving. I did not look back, for fear that I might see a
>live action replay of the scene in "Raiders of the Lost Ark" where people
>were melting and shriveling up (or would it be more like the ash bodies in
>Terminator 2?). We go around one of the bends in the line, headed back
>toward The Mushroom Cloud. My friends both choke, look back at me, and
>give the best glare they can manage with their eyes watering like that.
>I've just got this big grin on my face. They do not need to ask where
>"It" came from (brave souls, these folks - they still joined me on the
>submarine ride later). Rounding the corner myself, I get a glimpse of
>what's left of the small child behind me. Her face is scrunched in pain,
>her hands violently waving the air in front of her. I don't think she
>needs to ask either. Except for the complete depilatation, it's nothing
>a good plastic surgeon can't fix.
>
>That evening, we ate dinner in a restaurant.
>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>There were two guys in the Army. One day one of the guys gets a letter from
>his mother and after reading it becomes very sad. His friend (the other guy)
>asked him what was wrong. The first guy responded by handing him the letter.
> So the second guy reads that his friends mother had written that the first
>guy's girlfriend was in bed with arthritus. "Well" The friend said to the
>first guy. . . "That's not so bad. . . " The first guy turns to him and says
>"Yea, That's what you think. I know those Ritous boys and Art is the worst
>one!"
>If you pull the wings off of a fly, does it become a walk?
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>Some old cattlemen were bragging about some of the long cattle drives they
>had been involved in during their lives. Each tale bettered the others until
>finally came the best of them all. "Well" bragged one old timer "I took part
>in a drive that took 400 head right from Texas to London, England!" There
>was a brief silence before one of the others asked "How did you get across
>the Atlantic?" Quick as lightening came the reply "Didn't go that way!"
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>3 convicts escape from prison. They make it to a nearby town but are
>confronted by a policeman. "hey, arn't you those three escaped convicts?",
>asked the policeman. Thinking on his feet the first convict looked around
>him and said "no, I'm Mark, Mark Spencer", "The second followed his lead
>and said "My names is William, W H Smith". The third said "My name is Ken.
>. . . . Tucky fried chicken"
>------------------------------------------------------------------------
>
>Deidre M. Prout
>Email: Dpr...@parasoftinc.com
>

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