Fwd: S.T.O.P. Arguing

[Mluleki Moyo]

Hope you will find the advice below beneficial be it that you are a victim, perpetrator or none of the two.

---------- Forwarded message ----------
From: "Steve & Cindy Wright" <em...@marriagemissions.com>
Date: 22 May 2016 12:33 AM
Subject: S.T.O.P. Arguing
To: <mmlul...@gmail.com>
Cc:

S.T.O.P. Arguing

It’s extremely rare (if ever) that spouses can live together and NOT disagree at times. But do we need an audience? Is it possible to argue and not involve others? Of course, the answer to the first question is, no, we don’t “need” an audience, where the answer to the second question is yes, it IS possible, and it’s usually best to argue & NOT do it in front of others.

That’s where we need to apply the S.T.O.P. Arguing principle. See The Other People… Stop the madness, wherever you have an audience present.  

Who, under non-abusive situations (where you’re trying to protect someone) should be involved in a married couple’s arguments (other than a counselor)? It’s awkward, at best. That’s especially true of children who are often subjected to hearing & many times seeing their parents argue. It puts them in a really bad place of hearing the two people they love the most clash with each other, saying things children really shouldn’t hear. That’s why it’s usually best to keep it private. 

Please know that not only do other people NOT want to be part of your arguments with each other, you shouldn’t expose your spouse to this invasion of privacy (even if you're angry and want to hurt them). It shows that you aren’t valuing your spouse as a marriage partner. Even if he or she is the one who initiates the argument, do what you can to get out of it until you're alone.

Consider your spouse and be considerate of others, ESPECIALLY children whose minds are impressionable, and whose hearts can easily be put into places of confusion and upset. 

Author Cherie Barboch, from the article, “Fighting Fair” gives the following advice: “Consider the time & place. While it can be difficult to hold your fury when you first realize you’ve been wronged, wait until you and your partner are alone in a quiet space. If your partner is busy at work, out with friends, or in the midst of a family visit, wait until he/she can speak with you one on one [alone].”

We agree with something that Dr David Clarke wrote (in a recent email he sent to us): "Choose one place in your home where you'll deal with conflict. Make it a neutral place. …It could be an office, a spare bedroom, the back porch… This is the only place you'll talk through conflicts [whenever it’s even remotely possible]. Limiting your conflicts to this place will ensure that your conflicts won't infect the special places in your home. It's a psychological thing. Conflicts can start anywhere, but your agreement is that you'll wait to deal with the issue in this conflict place.

"This place must be private. If your conflict place isn't in a room with a door, then confine the kids to their rooms during your conflict talks. Just say: 'Mom and Dad will be having a private talk, so stay in your rooms.' If you have teens, this won't be a problem. They'll already be in their rooms. If you have small kids, wait until they're in bed or make them stay in their rooms as you talk."

You may need to modify this advice if you’re on vacation, or whatever, but please do what you can to S.T.O.P. arguing …See The Other People. (We have more on this issue posted in this Insight on our web site at www.marriagemissions.com). Be considerate of their wants, not just your impulse to argue it out, no matter who’s with you. Keep in mind what we’re told in Philippians 2:3-4: "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others."

We hope you will… Cindy and Steve Wright

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[Khobatha Setetemela]

Many thanks Elder Mluleki for sharing this!

May the humility and the love of Christ abide in our hearts.

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-- The greatest want of the world is the want of men--men who will not be bought or sold, men who in their inmost souls are true and honest, men who do not fear to call sin by its right name, men whose conscience is as true to duty as the needle to the pole, men who will stand for the right though the heavens fall.
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Khobatha Setetemela

Department of Mathematics and Computer Science

National University of Lesotho
phone(cell): 59105441
phone(office): +2665221-3491

skype: oksetetemela

website: http://www.nul.ls/

"But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you" (Matt 6:33)