The Moviesite Updates, 20 April 2012

[Ian Douglas]

hi

Another short week this week with a bumper long weekend coming up. The
new movies open next Thursday, and the lineups will be updated Wednesday
night.

Two big releases this week, aimed at diametrically opposed audiences. There
is also more gentle fair on offer on the art circuit.

I suspect The Hunger Games will hang on to the number one spot, especially
since the age restriction was revised down to 13 V from 16 V.

There's previews next week for rom-com The Vow, see the previews page
and remember to book.

M O V I E S

Released 20 April 2012

* The Cup (PG)     
* The Grey (16 LV)
* One Life (PG V)  (No, it's not about Chris Barnard)
* Mirror Mirror (10M)

http://www.moviesite.co.za/new.htm

SA Top Tens (commercial, nouveau, best and worst movies on circuit)
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm

Added US Top Ten. The other industry news on this page is
updated daily.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/news/newsitem.htm

Showtimes (all Ster-Kinekor, NuMetro, MovieZone, CineCentre,
Woodlands, and Labia cinemas, and SK and Menlyn Park drive-ins.)
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where.htm

Forthcoming attractions for 26 April and 4 May
http://www.moviesite.co.za/4thcome.htm

Updated the pic and quote on the home page
http://www.moviesite.co.za/

This Week's pinup
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pinup.html (nice wallpaper)

Pick of the Week
http://www.moviesite.co.za/pick.htm

All the previews. Remember to check with the cinema first.
http://www.moviesite.co.za/where/previews.htm

List of all movies showing
http://www.moviesite.co.za/reviews.htm

Same list sorted by Age Restriction
http://www.moviesite.co.za/showingbyage.htm

Top Ten and Worst Ten Movies by Critical Rating
http://www.moviesite.co.za/topten.htm


DVDs and BluRays:

Titles and details up later at
http://www.moviesite.co.za/videos/new.htm

(being held up by the Film and Publications Board site not working properly)

Remember you can support the site by reading the ads... :-)

Cheers, Ian

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What if you were playing in the golf club championship tournament finals
and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honour and hit
your ball a modest 250 yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple
six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into
the woods to the right of the fairway.

Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for
his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your
opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in
time, I'll concede the match."

You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about 10 feet from the
pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim
from deep in the woods: "I found it!" The second sound you hear is a click,
the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the
woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the
hole.

Now here is the ethical dilemma: Do you pull the cheating sod's ball out of
your pocket and confront him with it or do you keep your mouth shut?

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There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row. The warden gave
them a choice of three ways to die:

1. to be shot

2. to be hung

3. to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head." (Boom, he was dead
instantly).

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.)

Then the Irishman said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff."

They gave him the shot, and the Irishman fell down laughing. The guards
looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.

Then the Irishman said, "Give me another one of those shots," so the guards
did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled
over.

Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?"

The Irishman replied "You guys are so stupid..... I'm wearing a condom!"

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A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago and said: "The
material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago.

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is
loaded with MSG. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the
long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have,
or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the
most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

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Q.  How do you catch a unique rabbit ??
A.  Unique up on it.

Q.  How do you catch a tame rabbit
A   Tame way, unique up on it.

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Commenting on a complaint from a Mr Arthur Purdey about a large gas bill,
a spokesman for North West Gas said, "We agree it was rather high for the
time of year. It's possible Mr Purdey has been charged for the gas used up
during the explosion that destroyed his house." (The Daily Telegraph)

Police reveal that a woman arrested for shoplifting had a whole salami in
her knickers. When asked why, she said it was because she was missing her
Italian boyfriend.  (The Manchester Evening News)

Irish police are being handicapped in a search for a stolen van, because
they cannot issue a description. It's a Special Branch vehicle and they
don't want the public to know what it looks like.  (The Guardian)

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was
rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented,
"This sort of thing is all too common".  (The Times)

At the height of the gale, the harbourmaster radioed a coastguard on the
spot and asked him to estimate the windspeed. He replied he was sorry, but
he didn't have a gauge. However, if it was any help, the wind had just blown
his Land Rover off the cliff.  (Aberdeen Evening Express)

Mrs Irene Graham of Thorpe Avenue, Boscombe, delighted the audience with
her reminiscence of the German prisoner of war who was sent each week do her
garden. He was repatriated at the end of 1945. She recalled "He'd always seemed
a nice friendly chap, but when the crocuses came up in the middle of our lawn
in February 1946, they spelt out "Heil Hitler."  (Bournemouth Evening Echo)

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A subtle joke is like a naked woman rolling down a hill: sometimes you see
it, sometimes you don't.

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                      HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME

1.  Both take up too much space on the bed
2.  Both have irrational fears about vacuuming cleaning.
3.  Both mark their territory
4.  Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5.  The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6.  Both have inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7.  Neither does any dishes.
8.  Both fart shamelessly.
9.  Neither notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

                     HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN

1.  Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public
2.  Dogs miss you when you are gone.
3.  Dogs feel guilty when they have done something wrong.
4.  Dogs admit when they are jealous.
5.  Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
6.  Dogs do not play games (except fetch - and even then, they don't laugh at
    how you throw).
7.  You can train a dog.
8.  Dogs are easy to buy for.
9.  The worst social disease you can get from a dog is fleas (well, okay -
    really it's rabies, but there's a vaccine for that and you can kill the
    one who gave it to you).
10. Dogs understand what "no" means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.


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The Moviesite at http://www.moviesite.co.za
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