Funniest jokes, pictures and videos from www.funandlough.com

[Lokesh Gupta]

Funniest jokes, pictures and videos from www.funandlough.com

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• Sardar in Jurassic park
• Bad Japanese economy
• The Rude Customer
• The corporate boat race
• Must Read: Funny Company Policy
• Management Lesson
• Yet Another Management Lesson
• Sacrcasm at Work
• Positive Outlook
• Creative cup
• Super Dog
• Must have been terrible
• So why is it Vacant?
• Who is the baby
• Funny exam paper
• Cat Finds Religion
• New features availabe
• An Empty Egg
• Signed all the cheques
• Telephone Directory

Sardar in Jurassic park Posted: This sardarji goes to the see Jurassic Park and when the Dinosaurs start approaching he is cowering in his seat. His friend asks him "kyon sardarji, kya baat hai? Dar kyon lag raha hai cinema hi to hai" (What Sardarji? Are you afraid of the cinema?). Sardarji replies "Aadmi hoon aur akkal hai, pata hai ki cinema hai lekin voh to janwar hai, usko kya pata "( I am an intelligent man, I know it is a movie, but does that animal know?)

Bad Japanese economy Posted: According to inside contacts, the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of ameliorating. If anything, it's getting worse. Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song. Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

The Rude Customer Posted: An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo. A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS". The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Buzz Off!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."

The corporate boat race Posted: An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be. The Japanese team won by a mile. Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action. Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure. After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it. The next year the Japanese team won by two miles. The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.

Must Read: Funny Company Policy Posted: Dress Code - It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise. Sick Days - We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work. Personal Days - Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday. Bereavement Leave - This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early. Toilet Use - Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy. Lunch Break - Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast. Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

Management Lesson Posted: A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pinna coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch." Management lesson? Always let your boss have the first say.

Yet Another Management Lesson Posted: A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Sacrcasm at Work Posted: Dear Staff It has been brought to the CEO's attention that some individuals throughout the organisation have been using sarcastic language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated. We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues. Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "Try Saying" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner. 1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training Instead Of: You don't have a blankety-blank clue, do you? 2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter. Instead Of: She's a power-crazed witch 3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late Instead Of: And when the heck do you expect me to do this? 4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible Instead Of: Buzz off jerkface 5. Try Saying: Really? Instead Of: Well stand me on my head and call me a flower vase 6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with... Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a darn. 7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project. Instead Of: Not my gosh-darned problem. 8. Try Saying: That's interesting. Instead Of: What the heck? 9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale. Instead Of: No blankety-blank chance mate. 10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in Instead Of: Why the heck didn't you tell me that yesterday? 11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues Instead Of: He's got his head where the sun don't shine. 12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir? Instead Of: Oi, jerk face. 13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway Instead Of: Yeah, who needs blankety-blank holidays anyway?

Positive Outlook Posted: Open a new file in your PC. Name it as "Boss". Send it to the RECYCLE BIN. Empty the RECYCLE BIN. Your PC will ask you, "Are you sure you want to delete Boss permanently?" Answer calmly, "Yes," and press the mouse button firmly.... Feel better? Have A Nice Day.

Creative cup Posted:

Super Dog Posted:

Must have been terrible Posted:

So why is it Vacant? Posted:

Who is the baby Posted:

Funny exam paper Posted:

Cat Finds Religion Posted:

New features availabe Posted:

An Empty Egg Posted: Sardar breaks an egg to make an omlet. He finds the egg empty' Getting fustrated he said, 'iski maaki,aaj kal murgian bhi abortion karati hai!'

Signed all the cheques Posted: Sardarji lost his cheque book. He approached bank manager and informed manager regarding it. Manager : You should have taken care as any one can sign your cheque on ur behalf and empty your deposits. Sardarji : How can others sign? I am not a fool. I have already signed all the cheques.

Telephone Directory Posted: Sardar returns book to library, bangs it on table & says ' What a shit ? Sardar : 'I read the whole book, too many character, no story at all' ? Librarian : So, you are the one who took the Telephone Directory'

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