Not seeing the good in themselves.

[Lorie MYERS]

Hello,

I am writing out of desperation.

I have a son who is 17 and will be 18 in July.

Some history about him.

Ever since he was little we have had a hard time with him doing his homework.  Many hours were spent at the kitchen table until he finally did his homework at the 11th hour, 4 hours before was just a battle.

He is now a 11th grader and not doing so well in school.  He is very bright and does not have a mental disability when it comes to learning, "he just doesn't see the need".

He had a mishap this week when he took air soft guns to school give to someone who was going to purchase them from him.  Someone turned him in and the school did what they were supposed to by expelling him for 3 days and the duty officer gave him a break and did not handcuff him right there.  They both gave him a break.

The principal told him that now was when he needed to decide whether or not that he was going to change.  He needed to decide if it was something that he wanted to do because at this point only he is the one to do the changing.  He has until Monday to show the principal that he wants to change.  He still has a chance to continue on with his education at the school.   This was on Tuesday of this week. 

Now it is Thursday and he is still sulking about whether or not the officer is going to do something. Since the officer has not spoken with myself.  The officer went on the senior trip the next day and I have not heard from him since.  I am being hopeful and believing that no news is good news.

My question is:.... How do I find someone willing to take on this young man for a few months, maybe to help him decide what it is that he wants.  I think that what they call this is "tough love."

I and my husband have had enough of fighting with him.  We have left him alone most of the school year to see if he would want to do this on his own.  It is apparent to us that he does not want to do the work because he doesn't see the need.  Our own spirituality is being compromised.

Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Lorie Myers

[Lynne]

I feel for you and especially for your son.  I can't tell from your email if he is just totally defiant or just struggling in school and therefore feels like giving up on himself.

I don't know your whole story, and maybe I don't totally understand the situation, but to me it seems like being expelled from school for 3 days is punishment enough for what he did.  Unless the principal is talking about other things that you didn't mention, your son should just take his punishment and everyone (including principal and parents) should move on...

Also, as far as homework goes, I have two sons who had a really hard time focusing and doing homework and so I had to spend a lot of time "guiding" and helping them along until they were developmentally ready to do it all alone - one was a senior in high school (graduating from college this spring) before he could do it without supervision, the other couldn't focus and do it all alone until he was a sophomore in high school. My daughters on the other hand, have worked very independently and have pretty much always been able to stay focused and do it alone.  My point is - that all people are developmentally different, and some children, especially boys, may have a hard time being mature enough to just be "left alone" to take care of everything - it's too overwhelming and their brain feels bombarded with so much information.  It helps to have a parent take the time to sit down and teach them how to organize everything and break everything up into doable little steps, so that they don't just see a mountain of homework and assignments, which they may or may not understand. Our school has every assignment missing and turned in online, so we can check our student's work daily and have them talk to the teacher then next day when there is a problem.  I follow up the next day with my child to be sure they talked to the teacher.

Some people may assume that my method was "helicopter" parenting.  I personally felt like I was teaching them a skill by helping them learn to organize and break their homework up into little, manageable steps. 

As I said before, I don't totally know your situation, but these ideas have helped me with my children. If your son is just totally defiant and refuses help, then you probably should just ignore everything I just said.

[lcsnow03]

I never respond to these emails, but this one is very close to home for me. Pease don't take this wrong I am not trying to be insensitive. I know how it feels to be at the end of your rope.The only people who should be "taking your son on" is his parents. My son has been very difficult also and we have tried everything. He doesn't care about school or anything really. He sluffs seminary. I could go on and on. Recently we bought "the total transformation" it is a program that teaches effective parenting. It has helped us tremendously! We are in our 4th week of the program and we can see a huge change in him. No one gives us a book on how to be a parent, and it has been the single hardest thing I have ever had to do. I'm sure you can relate. It was a last resort for us and I am so thankful that we found it. Pray and have faith that you can do it and know that you are not alone. Best wishes to you and your son. 

Sent from my Verizon, Samsung Galaxy smartphone

[STEVE AMY SLACK]

Two thoughts that have come to mind...

1) Elder Worthen came to our stake a few months ago and talked about the pattern of parenting in the Book of Mormon. It has stuck with me. Teach and Love, Teach and Love, Teach and Love and Never Give Up!

2) What would Heavenly Father do? He would counsel, guide, love, be void of conflict, and in the end let your son make his choice. I believe in a Heavenly Father that loves us so much, that no matter what choices we make, there is always a way back. That way may be difficult, but oh so necessary for each of us to learn and grow to become like Him. 

Hang in there! You are being guided, and loved as well!

Sent from my iPhone

--
You received this message because you are subscribed to the Google Groups "Mothers Who Know (Mothers of the Sons of Helaman)" group.
To unsubscribe from this group and stop receiving emails from it, send an email to MofSofH+u...@googlegroups.com.
To post to this group, send email to Mof...@googlegroups.com.
Visit this group at https://groups.google.com/group/MofSofH.
For more options, visit https://groups.google.com/d/optout.

[Emily]

I don't know. It sounds like you're describing our son, except he's a Freshmen. He's super smart, but school is a joke (to him). We've suspected he's been lying to us for months, and we caught him last night and confronted him. He likes going to Sons of Helaman, but nearly a year into it, he can't go more than a few days on his man power goals. We are struggling. He is struggling. We feel like we're failing. I have no advice. I'm just feeling you. Stand at the tree and beckon. I'm hoping that eventually my standing and beckoning will pay off. Much love! - Emily

ps. I will say that for my nephew, who was a good kid but just seemed to find trouble. If it existed, he was there. They had a SWAT dance a school ("S"ealed "W"ith "A" "K"iss). He and his buddy thought they'd be funny and dress like a police SWAT team and took their bee bee guns as "props." Just stupid. He went to juvenile court, got probation, and worked his tail off for a year. It was tough, and especially tough on his parents, but it was just the kick in the pants he needed. He just returned from a mission last fall. He's a great kid. Still has his sense of humor, but he grew up quickly. Maybe consequences will be good for your son. My mom always tells me that it's good that their making these mistakes while they're still under our roof. 😳 I'm trusting her on this one. 

[Amy Lowry]

I'm sorry, I know schools' need to take the gun situation seriously but it sounds like maybe they overreacted.  It is just an air soft gun.  YOU know your sons intentions, so focus on that.  School is hard for both of my boys and, honestly, we are crossing our fingers at the end of each quarter, hoping that they pass.  Not all kids conform to our education system!   So, be patient and find something to love about him.  It is a gift that he doesn't stress out over school... I feel anxiety over many situations so I appreciate that my 17 year old is able to just be happy no matter what.  Don't get me wrong, it's tough because YOU know his potential, but with love and patience and constant coaching on your part, he will figure it out.  Hang in there!

Amy

Sent from my iPhone

[MONA AGAMEZ]

I am and occupational therapist and ran a private practice call the attention learning center in Las Vegas. The focus was on kids with undiagnosed visual issues impacting their education and attention/behavior. It sounds like your child could have some undiagnosed visual issues that have impacted his education and learning efficiency his whole life. This is typically missed unless you been to the right kind of developmental optometrist who is specialized in this area vision. I found that 80% of my kids with ADD or ADHD had undiagnosed and untreated visual problems significantly impacting their learning and their attention and ultimately their self-esteem.  By 17 years of age he's been struggling a long time. Looking for treatment in this area maybe part of your solution and yet it may be time for the Toughlove for behavioral perspective. If you'd like to talk further about any of these issues let me know. Moving to Utah I sadly realized there are very few private practice resources for these problems.

Sent from my iPhone

[Melanie Hancock]

Mona,

Do you know of a specialized optometrist here in Utah? I believe my son struggles with this and I would like him to be checked.  Thanks for your insight.

Melanie🌸

[Jennifer Hughes]

Hello everyone, I'm a newbie so I hope I'm doing this right. I appreciate this forum where we can strengthen each other as sisters and Mothers Who Know.

My son who is in the SOH program just turned 18 and is graduating high school in a couple of weeks. He is the kind of kid that everyone thinks, "What a great young man who has it all together!" Except...he doesn't. He looks like a Peter Priesthood from the outside, but he is addicted to porn, and he feels like a fraud. This is a terrible trial for him. He is an amazing young man, and the adversary will do anything to keep him from being the incredible missionary he has the power to be. 

He was so excited to start his mission paperwork in February. The week he was to submit his paperwork he was hit with the biggest onslaught of temptation that he's ever experienced. At that point we found out that our stake president told the bishops that young men could not go on missions until they've been clean of Mr. P and M for 3 months. I understand the reason for the counsel, and I support our stake president. But our son is very demoralized right now. Each time he loses a battle, his mind resets that mission clock for another 3 months or even further in the future. 

It is now becoming the elephant in the room that he hasn't submitted his papers. He's so embarrassed when people ask him when he is going on a mission, because he appears to be this squeaky-clean young man, and it doesn't make sense.  How have your sons handled it when people who mean kindly say, "So aren't you 18? When are you going on your mission? What's holding you up?" I'm talking about even extended family, not necessarily acquaintances or people in the ward! He is very private about this addiction, and I have respected whatever level of disclosure he wants. He told a couple of his friends that he had a medical issue he was working on and then felt bad because he felt like he was lying. 

He had been winning for a while and had an upcoming appointment with the bishop to discuss a date for when he could finally submit those papers. Then yesterday we had a discouraging day when he was under a lot of stress and lost several battles and reset that clock again. It's so so painful as a mother to watch him go through this heartache over and over. 

I'd appreciate your thoughts on how to handle the Mission Question with people who are pouring salt in the wounds of someone who already has trouble seeing how he's going to make it to the goal line.  

[Melissa Crossley]

I live in Central Florida and would like to know of a specialized optometrist in this area. I have taken my kids to the eye dr and they say everything is fine. My daughter does complain all the time about her eyes. I do think she might have ADD as well.  It's seems much harder to detect if girls have problems. My daughter is a pleaser. 

Thanks, Melissa

[Christie Christiansen]

I could have written this same exact letter.  My son is in the same situation. It is so hard as a mom, you want to see them reach and obtain there goals.  In my heart I am afraid he is going to give up on wanting to go on a misson.  He is so discouraged and frustrated.  He is at 1 week.  My husband just lost his job and we will be moving. I am so afraid that the stress of all the changes and hardships in our life right now will cause him to have a huge set back.

The questions are hard and I don't know how to answer them either.

I have decided to just keep encouraging him and to help him keep focused on his goals.  Every time I attend the temple I put his name on the temple roll, lots of prayer and fasting.

Just know you and your son are not alone.  I am just so proud of my son for being honest to the bishop, us and himself. 

Hugs,

christie

--

[April Hiatt]

my son is in a similar situation.  He just tells people that he is going to work for awhile to earn money to pay for his mission and is planning to "submit his papers and go in the fall".  Just remind him that the closer he gets to submitting his papers, the harder it is going to be--Satan is going to try everything in his power to keep him from going.  Just keep believing in him and loving him, and ultimately put your trust in the Lord.    Our bishop told our son he had to be clean for a year before he could go--he graduated from SofH, became a General, was clean for 7 months and just lost 2 battles this week.  Not sure what is going to happen now, if that clock is reset or not--but I am holding on to that faith and trust too.  This past year he has grown so much.  This is not the path I would have chosen for him, but I can definitely see the Lord's hand in it.  I would much rather he learn to control himself at home and have a successful mission, than be sent home early because of issues with this.  I think that would be worse.  So, if he is working, have him tell people he is saving up to pay for it.  (Then he could even ask them if they have work he could do--that might just scare them away from asking again!)  Hope this helps. 

---

From: Jennifer Hughes <jen...@hotmail.com>
To: "Mof...@googlegroups.com" <mof...@googlegroups.com>
Sent: Friday, May 20, 2016 6:12 PM
Subject: The mission question

[Melynda Olsen]

Hi, my son is 16, so we have a few years before this becomes an issue, but he is already saying he doesn't want to go on a mission and i know the main reason is because of this problem.  He has also said he might go but wait until he's 19.

One thing I've started to do is tell people we need to stop automatically assuming all young men who turn 18 will be going on missions and quit asking that question "When are you going to turn your papers in?"  Let them or their parents bring it up if they are going to go.  There are so many young men that struggle with this problem and other problems and it's embarrassing for them and difficult to know what to say. i feel this is one issue that makes young men make the decision to stop going to church. I also point out that not all young men are ready to go at 18 for various other reasons and the church didn't make it mandatory for the age to be 18, they just suggested young men can go at 18, but leaving at age 19 is fine.  I think a lot of people have forgotten that. I have pointed that out to many people.   I know of a few young men who have had to come home from missions because they weren't emotionally ready for it at age 18. 

I don't know if my son will be able to go. I went to the temple a few weeks ago and turned the entire mission issue over to the Lord. I pray that if he is supposed to go, he will have the strength to overcome this addiction to do so in time. I'm sure I'll worry about this again in the future, but for now this is working for me. Like someone else has already said, if the boy is still really struggling with it, even if they have been able to go weeks or months without giving in, it is better they work it through at home than be sent home. I feel that would be much harder for them to handle. 

As far as relatives, I know this is a hard issue, especially when no one knows about it. But I could almost bet that some of those relatives are dealing with this issue secretly themselves. My bishop told me once that almost  75% of the young men in our ward is dealing with this issue. That is a very high number.  There are many people who are dealing with this secretly. Sometimes I think we need to be a bit more open about it and help and support each other, along with our sons.  I know that every family is different on how major problems are handled.  I feel that my son is who is important and am working on not worrying about what other people think, even relatives.  

I don't know if this helps or not, especially because my son is only 16, but these were my thoughts. 

M. Olsen

[MONA AGAMEZ]

Dr. Robin Price 

(801) 492-6393

908 N 2000 W, Pleasant Grove, UT 84062

United States

Sent from my iPhone

[Melanie Hancock]

Thank you!

Melanie🌸

[Carol W]

I had some similar things with my son.  He's still struggling and it's so hard to see him not in a strong place spiritually or emotionally.

I've just learned prayer, fasting and seeking inspiration are SO VITAL!  Only Heavenly Father knows all that's going on with every one of us. The trick is getting better at hearing and recognizing/responding to promptings, making sure we're in tune to the right source - even good people can get "answers" from wrong sources if not careful.  Not easy but worth any amount of effort.

Life Changing Services
and The Sons of Helaman, Eternal Warriors
www.lifechangingservices.org
sofhou...@gmail.com
1371 North 1075 West, Suite 5
Farmington, Utah  84025
877-HERO-877 (877-437-6877)

Fax 888-676-8672

This email and any attachments to it are confidential. This email is intended solely for the use of the individual or entity to which it is addressed. This communication may contain material protected by HIPAA legislation (45 CFR, Parts 160 & 164). If you are not the intended recipient or the person responsible for delivering this email to the intended recipient, be advised that you have received this email in error and you are expected to notify the sender by replying to this email. You should then delete the email and its contents from your computer. Any unauthorized use, dissemination, forwarding, printing or copying of this email is strictly prohibited.

[Karen Thomson]

Please stop sending emails.

[Mothers Who Know]

Sure thing, Karen! To unsubscribe or change how often you see these emails (in real-time, daily, weekly), scroll to the bottom and update your preferences. There is such value in a thread like this for moms who are currently seeking help. We are also thrilled when a mom feels ready to move on! Keep commenting, or unsubscribe as you see fit. Carry on!

-Mothers Who Know Team

wearemoth...@gmail.com

Sent from my T-Mobile 4G LTE Device

[MONA AGAMEZ]

No problem.  In my experience when people understand why learning has been so difficult, it is often helpful as they realize they are not "stupid" or slow.  I work with veteran's now and continue to treat these issues with them. I may do some private practice on the side as it is difficult to see kids in this area struggle and have such limited resources or anyone able to diagnose and treat the problem.

Mona Agamez
Phone: 702-499-3841
Fax: 877-296-8903

---

From: melanie...@hotmail.com

Subject: Re: Not seeing the good in themselves.

Date: Fri, 20 May 2016 23:03:30 -0600
To: Mof...@googlegroups.com

Thank you!

Melanie

On May 20, 2016, at 8:08 PM, MONA AGAMEZ <mon...@hotmail.com> wrote:

Dr. Robin Price 

(801) 492-6393

908 N 2000 W, Pleasant Grove, UT 84062

United States

Sent from my iPhone

On May 20, 2016, at 5:00 PM, Melanie Hancock <melanie...@hotmail.com> wrote:

Mona,

Do you know of a specialized optometrist here in Utah? I believe my son struggles with this and I would like him to be checked.  Thanks for your insight.

Melanie

[Gaylynne Flitton]

Here is a direct quote (which I'm sure you've already read) about the age change from 19 to 18 from Mormon Newsroom: 

"Church leaders are emphasizing that the change does not suggest that all missionaries should or will serve at an earlier age than before. The change simply provides an option for young people to begin their missionary service earlier, if they are prepared to do so."

When my son was 18 and 19 years old, and when people asked about a mission, he would just tell them that he was going to go to a semester of college first.  During that time, he switched to a singles ward, so our family ward wasn't constantly asking him. If our extended family asked him when he was going, he would just say "not yet."  I guess I could say my son just got good at avoiding the situation.

Sorry to say, but he never did go on a mission, he is now 21 and I am finally okay with it.  It was SUPER hard for me as a mom to see all of the boys in the ward that were in his age group all go on missions, and my son, always active, from an active family, never went.  Now that all of his friends have come and gone, it seems like I have come to terms with it a little better.  It is really tough to be a Mormon mom and raise your boy to be a missionary, you put your blood, sweat, and tears into raising these children, and then when it doesn't work out how you plan - it's emotionally brutal.

My son struggles with the stigma of not being a returned missionary, and so he is only partially active now - at least he goes occasionally .  I have learned to just love and appreciate all of his good qualities. If I could go back in time, the only thing I would change is that I would be less "paranoid" about him not going and try harder to be closer to him and not nag him so much. I wish I would have been more nurturing and understanding, less concerned about a mission, and more concerned about making sure he felt my acceptance and love for him and not just my "judgement" of him.

You're right - your son would be one of the best missionaries ever! And Satan knows it.  That is why Satan tries so hard.  One thing I have also noticed, at least in my situation, that Satan has used the fact that my son didn't go on a mission against me as well.  Satan has succeeded in driving a wedge between me and my son, but luckily, I have figured that out now and I am working on repairing the relationship. I don't nag at all, and I only compliment him.

I'm so sorry for your son.  The whole missionary thing was really tough on me.  Hopefully, with a lot of prayer and Heavenly Father's help, you can withstand Satan and help your son the best way possible.

[Natalie Brunsdale]

Jennifer, 

I would simply remind people of the Prophet's words. I think the majority of members need a gentle reminder of what he actually said. When the Prophet made the announcement of the new mission age, he said, and I quote, young men "will have the option of being recommended for missionary service beginning at the age of 18, instead of age 19. I am not suggesting that all young men will—or should—serve at this earlier age." 

It's okay to serve a mission at 19 or even later. I don't understand why so many members have such selective hearing. They heard 18 and that was it. The Lord knows that this age option is not for everyone and the Prophet made it a point to convey that. I think most members just need to be reminded of what our dear Prophet actually said when he made the announcement. 

Some boys choose to attend school first for a year, some choose to work and save money, some feel like they need another year to mature before they feel confident enough leaving home. When my son was asked this question he would just smile and say, "I'm working on it!"

My son was a lot like yours. He would lose battles and just beat himself up, it was heartbreaking. But keep fighting!! There is light on the other side of the darkness. Today my son was ordained an Elder. 

Natalie

[Laura Calder]

I totally understand what you're saying.

But there is hope. I have been utterly amazed at the Sons Of Helaman program can do. 

My 18 year old graduating son told me to tell your son to do what the counselor tells him to do. Keep that journal,  do his manpower stuff.  Have an open calendar. Set the border patrols and do them every single day. He said to say, there is no deadline. Make him know that this is for life. That these border patrols and that these things he does every single day are going to probably be for the rest of his life. My son is 12 weeks winning battles next Tuesday. He feels empowered to keep fighting. But he does pay the price every day.  If there's a frustration in the middle of the day, and Temptation  starts to creep up on him, he will pull the SOH coin out of his pocket and read what's on it. He will also snap the bracelet that they get. Or he will text me or his buddies, (buddies that have all struggled ) for support. He said that, one is a huge help.   His counselor, Greg, told them that the best thing to do is serve. The Lord blesses those who serve their fellow man. So he just found several elderly people in our neighborhood that are pretty easy serve.  He gets up out of his room and takes a little jog to their house to work on something.  

At This point, he is not at all shy about where he is been has been bringing a boy with him to Sons Of Helaman. He got his cousin to go to Sons Of Helaman. That kid was bordering anti-Christ there for a while. He's now working hard to win the battle and desires to serve a mission.  And all of his friends know that he is a boy that is gaming control over his life. His counselor told him that secrets are the Devils tool. By being open he has found that many struggle.  

We have a 10-year-old son as well, and all I can do is hope and pray that all this openness is giving him some serious weapons to fight Satan!!!

My heart is with all of your mamas out there.  I am surprised at how much it has affected me and changed me for life!!!  

I love the 'mothers who know' program. Last week on the webinar with the woman who wrote the book 'good pictures bad pictures', she said, "when do you start talking to your little ones?, The minute they can turn on the computer!"  

Laura 

[Debra Lassen]

I was so thankful to open up Laura's email this morning. We've had some rough days and nights lately with our 16 year old son. Yesterday he wouldn't go to church....I won't go into to all that we've been going through but he was feeling so hopeless last night. He layed on the floor in our bedroom and bawled like a little child and yelled things at us about hating himself and wanting to die and he just wants to kill himself he is such a loser, etc. etc. It's horrible to witness. He says nothing has changed in 4 years....and he's been part of Sons of Helaman in one form or another as much as we can involve him, living out of Utah. 

But Laura, your email gave us hope this morning. I read it actually to my son and told him from another young man who is now winning, it takes work...it takes doing the things the councilors ask them to do. My son can't or won't do his MANPWR goals or border patrols....it's no wonder he is not having wins. I don't know when or what it will take for him to truly work hard at it, but I can only trust and hope it will come.

He's finishing up his Junior year this week with finals and last week to earn a special award our Stake gives to those seminary students who go above an beyond in meeting requirements....he needs to do a few more makeups to earn this award that he's worked at all year. Satan of course is pounding down on him. 

Anyway,

Thank you all for being there and sharing and Laura, for the positive encouragement that some are winning. I pray more and more of them will win.

Love, Debi

Debi Lassen

805-443-5956 cell

         "make it small, keep it simple and give it time"

                        ~Virginia Hinckley Pearce

 

[Jennifer Hughes]

Thanks to all of you who took time to offer advice and comfort. I really do appreciate just knowing that there are others who understand. Maybe I felt inspired to pipe up because someone else (like Debi mentioned) also needed to hear what you had to say. We are all in this together. Marjorie Hinckley said it so well: "Oh, how we need each other!" Thank you for having my back, sisters! :)

---

Date: Mon, 23 May 2016 09:52:30 -0700
Subject: Re: The mission question
From: debil...@gmail.com
To: Mof...@googlegroups.com

[Emily]

I let my son read the original email and many of the responses. He'll be 15 in a month, so although he has a few years before this opportunity presents itself, we all know how fast it's going to go. It was a great opportunity for us to have a discussion. He has a desire to go on a mission (at this point), and we talked about how the sooner he can get his temptations under control, the better. It was good for him to read about how Satan fights harder the closer they get to their missions. We (myself, my husband, and my son) reevaluated our goals and set up some new ideas on how to help support him in this journey. Thank you for bringing up such an important topic. ❤️

[Bart & Mariann Adams]

We were sent to earth to learn by our own experience, that in itself implies that we will all make mistakes. Sometimes we think of the Atonement as the back up plan, when in reality it is THE plan. Sometimes we simply cannot learn or overcome weaknesses without mistakes. Any person on a diet or trying not to be angry at toddlers will slip, so certainly our boys will find themselves learning from mistakes, as well. So there's the irony: On the one hand, we don't know enough about how to avoid mistakes without making mistakes and learning from them, on the other, we certainly don't want mistakes to hold us back. And where does that lead us? Back to the Atonement. Back to full reliance on the Savior, knowing that as we keep trying we can overcome, as promised (D&C 130:20-21). Don't get discouraged. Increase faith (Moroni 7). Realize that if there is a slip, there is simply something more to learn and that through going to the Lord over and over we are taught how to overcome (Ether 12:27.) The Lord is bound to show us and those we love how to overcome (D&C 82:10). Research shows that each person's heart organ gives more information to the brain than the brain does to the heart, and that one person's heart can affect the brains of others around them. It matters if mothers have faith. A mother's faith affects the brains of her children and other people around her. It is not just the son who is overcoming weaknesses, it is families who falter, friends who judge...  (D&C100:15).  Others' improper assumptions and comments are blessings that help us grow. Our insightful and wise responses help our sons ignore subtle hinting or open mocking from those who have unknowingly strolled over to the great and spacious building (1Ne8)  If the right thing--encouraging a mission--is done the wrong way it is still wrong. A person has to do the right thing the right way to be right. And even though it hurts when the right thing is done the wrong way, thank heavens we are not past feeling and can feel when the spirit withdraws. (Yes the Spirit can withdraw when one person is encouraging another to go on a mission---if it is done inappropriately.) What a wealth of learning to learn how to respond the right way!  So, persevere. More than just our sons are being refined in this great plan. And don't worry, I know of successes after years of failures, and of sons rising to full stature. And in honesty, is full stature possible without these challenges?  The challenges are the blessings that refine and bring wisdom, not just the wisdom of how to overcome the difficult challenge but the wisdom of how it feels when one is or isn't supported while doing so, and how to give compassion to others facing their difficult challenges. Our sons, and we, are gaining so much! We have every reason to press forward with a steadfastness in Christ and a perfect brightness of hope (2 Ne 31:20). The Lord knew things would be where they are and the Lord gives no challenges without blessings that far out weigh the struggle to overcome the challenges. As for questions regarding a mission, good answer is, "Thank you for your encouragement! I'm really excited about my mission and I'm working with my parents and the Lord to get all my preparations and finances and stuff done. I'm not sure how long it will take, but I'm excited to go as soon as I can. I'll let you know more when I know more! Thanks." Don't crawl in a hole at a direct question, good things are happening, tell the truth, a wonderful valiant son is working his very hardest to get out there prepared!... And he WILL!

[Karen Broadhead]

Dear Jennifer and all,

I want to chime in on this one because I have lots of experience with this one personally and relate.  I   hope that something I say will comfort, or help you to find your own best answer for you and your son/family. ( I truly believe that the Lord helps each of us find our own best answer.)

My son served a mission in Peru and is now married and has two children. But when we were going through what you are facing it was very tricky/scary/uncomfortable.

At 18 he was just as you described your son Jennifer.  When he turned 19 the questions started and lasted for a very long time.  My son finally reached General status in SofH when he was near 20.  He submitted his mission papers, he received his MISSION CALL, and we bought all his super cool gear!!!!

Finally we had made it!!

Then…

His mission was delayed twice. 

The first time because the Bishop, our Stake Pres and his SofH clinician agreed he wasn't quite ready.  He was delayed a second time because he wanted to take care of some very personal apologies and make sure he was completely ready before he left. 

(…can I just say - this just about killed me!! He was being so honorable but I was just wanting him to get out there...his decision was the right one, and I could see the wisdom in it after he left but not before.  I really thought I might have to staple my lips shut just to keep my thoughts to myself and duct tape my eyes shut so I could hide my tears.)

We/he got the questions all the time..."Aren't you 19?", "Shouldn't you be putting your papers in?", "How are your mission papers coming?", "What is your plan?", “What is your delay?”

Many knew he had his call and his departure date and when he was delayed it got awkward to say the least.

We found there were two ways to handle it and after trying them both we like the second way best. :)

First Way:

Feel shame, pressure and embarrassment because things weren't appearing ideal.  Avoid people and situations where he would be approached and end up feeling isolated and broken.  Give satan power to mess with us and believe his stupid lies.

Second Way:

Focus on the big picture of being honest with God and try hard to not care what others were thinking.  Be determined to not let satan have the satisfaction of effecting our confidence in ourselves, each other and in Gods ability to strengthen us. 

 It helped to role play and joke about ways he could creatively bring it up before others did.  We would also practice what he would say when they ask.

Most of the time he would say just what others have mentioned…”I’m working on it.” Or I would say things like; “He’s working on it - we are so impressed with his awesome efforts.”

He also said things like…

"I'm going to make it, don't you worry…I’m not worried!!"

I'm working hard on it...I could sure use some of your cookies/prayers/etc."

"Yep, I'm on it!"

 I noticed that he would even practice in his letters to God what he was going to say.  I also noticed he would write notes to God about his discomfort and try to work out the discomfort with Father.

There were some people who meant well but just didn’t get it.  He did talk directly to a couple and ask them to support him in specific ways instead of just ask, it helped a little.

I noticed that I had to really get behind him with family, friends and ward members.  Instead of being in fear of when the next person was going to embarrass him or hurt him and fear it would lead to more delay because of further lost battles I had to get on the offensive…

I would try to remember to be extra positive and powerful when I spoke of my son in front of others.  I had to purposefully point out how incredible he was and how proud I was of him for his efforts and determination.  If any ask me about him I would try to give confident answers and thank them for asking. 

I think this helped me feel more confident and less vulnerable to fear.  I’m not sure, but I think It also helped my son to increase in his confidence because he saw me being more in faith not fear in front of others.

Your son is very disturbing to the dark side...

All of our sons are disturbing to the dark side as are we as Mothers who do not doubt :)

Love you all!

 PS...I'm attaching something my son wrote just before his mission, his testimony of his healing written just this last year and one of my favorite things from one or our awesome generals whose addiction started when he was 8 yrs old.  He reached 1000 days clean on his mission and is still going strong.

[Jennifer Hughes]

Thank you, Mariann and Karen, for chiming in. I have lots to think about and practical advice for moving forward. I love that Karen's son is happy to share his experiences and testimony, and also Bryton's thought was awesome. I shared them with my son, and it really touched him. 

I was able to go to the temple on Saturday, and it was so wonderful. I felt enveloped in my Heavenly Father's love for me and for my children--His children. I love that the temple is a source of peace and power that we can draw on anytime! I was struck as I looked at a painting of the resurrected Christ that truly, God is a God of miracles, and He can make a way out of no way. Even death, the ultimate impossibility, the period at the end of life, was overcome by the Savior! 

The Lord didn't send us to Earth to just park in a state of innocence. We can only grow through experience, moving forward through the lone and dreary world, learning good from evil and the sweet from the bitter. We know we will face pain and opposition. It is part of the plan. But the Savior can help us and completely heal us through our faith.

1 Ne. 17:50 And I said unto them: If God had commanded me to do all things I could do them. If he should command me that I should say unto this water, be thou earth, it should be earth; and if I should say it, it would be done.

 51 And now, if the Lord has such great power, and has wrought so many miracles among the children of men, how is it that he cannot (insert my personal challenge here)?

My incredible kids in their difficult challenges--and you--and I--can truly can do all things through Christ. I pray that you'll feel His comfort and His arms around you today.

Jennifer

---

Subject: Re: The mission question

To: Mof...@googlegroups.com
From: mar...@one-united.com
Date: Mon, 23 May 2016 21:19:58 -0700

[carolyn whiting]

Thanks so much for all these wonderful emails and stories and words of inspiration!  Our son hasn't been doing the program that long yet so it is so great to get all these different perspectives.  

As a mom of a son relatively new to the program I would love to hear from some of you who have had sons that have gotten through the program and succeeding.  Those stories of hope and "Yes, this will work out eventually" type things can be really helpful for those of us who are trying to feel that way sometimes--Does that make sense?  

I totally understand that this is a lifelong program and that the battle against Satan doesn't end until this life is over, I just am talking about boys who have "graduated" and seem to be continuing to win those battles.

I went to  a Generals meeting and it was awesome!  I would love to hear from some of those moms--if you feel comfortable sharing thanks!!!  

Carolyn

[Kim Christensen]

This has been a very difficult thing for our family as well.  My son is 19 and been in the program for 3 months.  Everyone keeps asking about his mission but he is very private and doesn't want anyone to know.  It is very difficult as my parents are asking, my husband's parents are asking, friends are asking....little brothers wonder why he hasn't gone yet.
I also feel like a complete failure as a mother. 
It is good to read the other emails and know that there is hope for my son even though right now it feels far away.
Thank you ladies.

--

[Bart & Mariann Adams]

He entered the program discouraged from failing on his own. Did really well. General. Graduated. Slipped 7 months later. Harder second time. Long. Discouraging. Sad. Lots to learn. Did well. Close to mission, preparing. Then issues again. Hard. Discouraged. Deeper determination from sacred experiences. Hard fighting. Vigilant. Work. More work. Then the determination went further into absolute steel. Testimony building. Then much easier. Temptation was there every bit as strong, but it just didn't get inside like it did before. Change of heart, cells, chemistry, perspective, self awareness, self strength. The test went from a burden to a blessing. Going into the MTC next week a whole different, stronger, better person. Grateful for this trial. These trials were carefully tailored by a loving God for growth. Benefited all. He will always have to be careful but it's not a life long sentence, it's a life long blessing.  Moroni 7. Miracles come by faith. Faith in self, faith in others, faith in God, faith in the Plan, faith it turns to blessings, faith there is progress when it seems there is not. It is not bad to have faith when it looks bleak. Common sense says to be more realistic. No. Faith is where the power is. I don't know any perfect people or perfect moms. We grow as much as our boys. When we feel negativity it always comes from the adversary. The only failure is to stop trying. Success is the absolute outcome for those who never stop trying, even if the effort takes 100 years.

[joyce.is.full.of.joy]

Lorie,

I see that you have gotten many, many responses already. Some from mothers like me that are having similar experiences with their sons or even identical in the areas that you wrote about. Last December I was in the same place with my son. He was 17 almost 18 and I knew that I could not provide what he needed to finish growing up to be a man. I knew that something had to change and I didn't know what it was or how to figure it out. BUT I knew that God knew and that God was more interested in my son's success than I was SO I threw the doors open and walked in to an amazing flood of inspiration! God did indeed know what my son needed and he had been preparing us, all of our family, to be able to hear and follow the inspiration. As Gods plan unfolded I recognized events from a year before and 6 months before that prepared us. At every turn the right person or the right resource presented itself. Truthfully, I knew nothing about the options for my son for counseling and therapy and education but I knew one thing. If I didn't get brave and get strong and make some changes for my son, he would struggle for the rest of his life without an education and working minimum wage jobs. He would probably never have good self esteem and someday he might land in jail for bad choices. The day my son got suspended from school for doing something that he shouldn't have done is the day everything changed. Within two weeks I had him enrolled in a therapeutic boarding school in Utah. A school that dealt specifically with lust issues. He was there for less than 90 days because he turned 18 but he made significant progress in school and in therapy. I then moved him to another therapeutic boarding school where he can continue to work on high school and therapy. He is making great progress. He understands why this was the answer for him, he knows its working and he is glad that I made the choice or him (it wasn't really me, I was just God's hands).

Boarding school is not the answer for everyone. I do not believe in Boot Camps. God knows the answer for you and for your son. Fast, pray and talk to everyone! The Sons of Helaman counselor, your Bishop, Stake President, call LDS Family Services and ask for advice and referrals. They will talk to you without an appointment and will not charge you. They can tell you about counselors and programs in your area.   YOU are your sons best advocate. He doesn't understand the long term ramifications of not getting an education, not learning to be motivated, not being willing to do the hard stuff.

My prayers are with you and yours! My love is with you and yours!  If you need someone to talk to call me or another MWKs. When we are struggling like you are it is all we can talk about and it wears out our friends and our family. Let others that have been there be your listening ears.

Always,

Joyce

971.285.2801 cell

at 1:38:48 PM UTC-7, Lorie Myers wrote:

[FAM LOPEZ]

Hi, This is the first time that I have written here, but I feel the need to share with you some information that helped my son to recover from the addiction of porn, and because of that he has been able to focus on good things and can make better decisions. He had already graduated from the Son's of Helaman program this last week. This program helped my son to develop good habits such as avoiding the addiction of social media usage, has been able to pursue to his scripture studies,and was able to finally control his impulsive habit of sneaking his phone to his room. He was in this program for six months but in the last month I took him to the Neuro Clinic in Lehi with doctor Oliver, their wepsite is 

theneuroc...@gmail.com . And it was the best desicion that I have ever made, because it increased function on some parts of the brain allowing him to focus more and make better decisions. It helps with any kind of addiction and other things related with the brain. I believe that both of the programs together helped him a lot and made a huge diference. Could you share this please with others moms? Thank you!

Sent from my iPhone

[Debra DeGraw]

FAM LOPEZ, if you don't mind me asking, just what exactly did the Neuro Clinic do to him?

---

From: lucyesp...@hotmail.com
To: Mof...@googlegroups.com

Subject: Re: The mission question

Date: Mon, 30 May 2016 21:29:49 +0000

[FAM LOPEZ]

they made an analysis of his brain, which basically they could see which part of his brain needs help, in his case it's the fronal lobe, that is where decision making skills are made, it also controls feelings, etc. They gave him some suplements that helps the brain produce some chemicals that are not producing in his brain. Once the brain starts producing that chemical that he needs, he no longer needs to take that suplement, and they also gave him some simple ejercises that help that specific part of the brain, after a month he is better now and is able to focus better, control his feelings and handle problems, he has a better attitude and gets done with his homework, before he was at risk of not graduating but now he's graduating this thursday! His brains is much better now.  
I'm so grateful for my heavenly Father who puts his resorces to help his beloved children.
Sent from my iPhone