6/22 Puns
Tim Bruening
Assemble: A donkey that looks like a male cow.
Assemble: To build a male cow.
Congest: Against jokes.
Conquest: Against adventures.
Digest: To kill a joke.
Ingest: Inside a joke.
Inquest: Inside an adventure.
Request: To go adventuring again.
Regi-Mental: Crazy soldiers.
Tim Bruening
Buffalo Chilkat wrote:
> KIMEVANS wrote:
>
> >Q: What did the inflatable school counsellor at Inflatable High
School say
> >to the inflatable pupil when he took him into his inflatable office
for a
> >lecture??
> >
> >A: John,your behahiour today has been totally disappointing!!! By
bringing
> >that thumbtack into this school you have let not only your friends
and
> >classmates down but you have let the whole SCHOOL down.!!! But most
> >importantly, what you are going to have to live with is the fact
that, this
> >time, you have even let YOURSELF down!!!!!
> >
>
> But I thought to air is human. Now I'm confused.
"John, you are under arrest for poking an underage girl who was not of
your race".
Tim Bruening
Propain: A masochist.
Foreign: Likes wet weather.
Formica: In favor of any of a group of chemically and physically
related aluminum silicate minerals, common in igneous and
metamorphic rocks, characteristically splitting into flexible
sheets used in insulation and electrical equipment. Phew!
Forbodings: Has more than his fair share of bodings.
Foreskin: Afraid of being flayed, or is it 'Aflayed of being frayed'?
Foregone: In favor of not being here.
Forlorn: Likes nicely manicured areas of grass.
Formaldehide: In favor of damp leather with fungus growing on it.
Falafel: Likes spoons. In fact he's smoothing a football pitch out with
the back of one right now. He likes a level playing-field - and with
goal posts at either end.
Basalt: Salted sheep.
Tim Bruening
Sticker: Twig of dogwood.
Sticker: Glue dog.
Stocker: Inventory dog.
Vicar: Canine religious leader.
Volker: Federal Reserve dog.
Tim Bruening
Waker: Dog not asleep.
Waker: Dog at a funeral.
Walker: Another NYSE dog.
Wracker: Destructive dog.
Wrecker: Another destructive dog.
Wanker: Masturbating dog.
Tim Bruening
Censor: Rising penny.
Cream Mate: Lotions making love.
Sensor: Detecting penny.
Transmit: Glove with ambiguous gender.
Transcript: Play about ambiguous gender.
Tim Bruening
"fredm...@the.PC ?Ž" wrote:
> ne...@naughtylass2.wet (nemo) wrote :
>
> >Pan head: Screw used to hold handles onto cooking utensils. Cheese
> head: Screw that holds mousetraps together. Countersunk: Used in
flooded
> shops. Round head: Screw that holds Oliver Cromwell together.
Instrument
> head: Holds the keywork on saxophones together.
>
> >Nemo
> >(Anyone noticed that he's got the colour scheme of a Clown Fish?)
>
> > Shit head : Screw used to prevent back sides from opening at
> inopportune times.
>
> Phillips' Head : Ornamental British screw, used solely by QE2.
>
> Pot Head : Screw with missing threads that usually turns into a...
>
> Dead Head : Totally useless screw, before and after Jerry Garcia's
> death.
>
> Fred's Head : Loose screw, used solely for entertainment purposes.
Lettuce Head to the vegetable isle!
Head of cattle: Moo screw.
nemo
"Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
news:449B8FCA...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
She was only a sergeant's daughter, but she knew what Reggie meant!
Tim Bruening
Tim Bruening
Tim Bruening
Tim Bruening
Tim Bruening
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:42BDD5C0...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> > Strange Lad wrote:
> >
> > > "NottNick" <nmm6...@bellows.org.uk> wrote in message
> news:c2q8ri$hcn$1...@titan.btinternet.com...
> > > > I've been a member of this group for a while now and realise I'm
not
> the
> > > > only Nick.
> > > > So I'm now NOTTNICK.
> > > > :-)
> > > >
> > > So am I
> > >
> > > Strange NotNick
> >
> > Nottingham: Not an actor.
>
> Hams are bad, corny actors who overdo it, not actors in general. You
> wouldn't call Silo Rants Soul Livia a ham. Roger is though, Moore or
less.
>
> A term for all actors is Thesbian. You should be able to make
something out
> of that!
As in a "Thes-B-N" to E-Tertain U?
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:42BCEC0D...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:41C67329...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > > > FDR, Winston Churchill, Ralph Nader.
> > >
> > > Marx, Lenin, Trotski, Arthur Scargill!
> >
> > The new President of the Ukraine!
>
> He set fire to the place!
>
> Meet arson - Ukraine!
>
> (Yup. My first ever pun on here is still haunting the place!)
Haunting: Ghostly bell.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:42BDD4EA...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > "Rev. Richard Foot" wrote:
> >
> > > "nemo" <ne...@naughtylass2.wet> wrote:
> > >
> > > > Is Dick Foot your real name BTW? :o)
> > >
> > > Visit our church at 111 Lime Walk, Chelmsford; and work it out for
> > > yourself.
> >
> > Do citrus fruits walk there?
>
> Citrus elf down and we'll wait and see.
Orange-G: Red-Yellow goblin.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:408378FF...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > Depressant: Downbeat ant.
> >
> > Oppressnant: Member of the ant secret police.
> >
> > Repressant: Another member of the ant secret police.
> >
> > Suppressant: Yet another member of the ant secret police.
>
> Omnipresant: Holy hymenopterum.
>
> Scant: Underweight hymenopterum.
>
> Hymenopterum: Insect with a fold of tissue partly covering entrance to its
> eyes.
Depressant: Sad penny.
Oppressant: Dictator penny.
Omnipresent: Everywhere penny.
Recent: Penny again.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:41E60C1B...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > "Alan B. Combs" wrote:
> >
> > > Untold riches. That is the goal of any self-respecting buccaneer.
> > > Gold, rubies, diamonds, bullion -- all are acceptable plunder for these
> > > thieves of the high seas.
> > >
> > > When the the ill-gotten gains are particularly good, many brigands will
> > > put their goods in a sack and swing the swag above their heads. Then
> > > they dance around in a little wiggle-waggle jig very similar to that
> > > adopted by many NFL players who have just made a touchdown.
> > >
> > > Indeed, it is most entertaining to watch a pirate shake his booty.
> >
> > Booty: Beverage drunk by a ghost.
>
> Boot Ox: The rear end of a castrated bull. Why do they castrate them? To
> show them who's bos.
Boot Rear: Beverage with a real kick!
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:41E60A8A...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> > "Cybe R. Wizard" wrote:
> >
> > > On 06 Jan 2004 21:27:19 GMT
> > > earlo...@aol.com (Earlofduke2) wrote:
> > >
> > > > What does an oyster bar taste like? Is it covered with chocolate?
> > >
> > > I don't care, uh, Mel. I /do/ know that lobster bars shouldn't be
> > > thrown fast and straight.
> >
> > Sand Bar: Very gritty candy.
>
> Dogger Bank: Where canines keep their money.
>
> http://www.bartleby.com/65/do/DoggerBa.html
>
> "We've run aground!! Oh my cod!!"
Soap Bar: Very clean candy, or alcohol vender, or jail, or lawyer group.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:41E60A4D...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> > Sheila Dundee wrote:
> >
> > > Tonyc typed and quoted.......
> > > > "Sheila Dundee" <Co...@optusnet.XCAPScom.au> wrote in message
> > > > news:41210c71$0$17478$afc3...@news.optusnet.com.au...
> > > >> David Reihmer typed and quoted.......
> > > >>> In article <Xns954673A79359Eh...@209.25.157.130>,
> > > >>> Harry Marmoset <harry_m...@msn.com> wrote:
> > > >>>
> > > >>>> What ingredient do Australian chefs use as a a thickening agent in
> > > >>>> a soup or a sauce?
> > > >>>>
> > > >>>> Kangaroo
> > > >>>>
> > > >>>
> > > >>> We ate a whole crock just the other night.
> > > >>
> > > >> Hope it wasn't too salty.
> > > >>
> > > >> But dit you eet the whole crock and nothing but the crock
> > >
> > > Don't get fresh, water croc I ate is none of your business!
> >
> > Crocker: Reptilian dog that swims.
> >
> > Crocodile: Old fashioned reptillian phone.
> >
> > Reptile: Cold blooded floor covering in Congress.
>
> Pantile: A roofing slate you can cook in.
Tile Ling: Chinese floor covering.
Pile Ling: Stack of Chinese.
Tim Bruening
MosZibby wrote:
> "Larry Krzewinski" <Feerles...@madmagazine.com> wrote in message
> news:peun20pjklfsu14r6...@4ax.com...
> > On Thu, 12 Feb 2004 08:37:03 -0700, "MosZibby" <Naked@YourHouse>
> > wrote:
> >
> > >> >> >> > I been saying donkey shit.
> > >> >> >>
> > >> >> >> Heck, that's been manifestly evident for weeks now!
> > >> >> >
> > >> >> >You be nice to me, or I'll have Larry post to you.
> > >> >>
> > >> >> I'm really glad that you put the second "to" in that sentence.
> > >> >
> > >> >The word was 'post', not 'pole'.
> > >>
> > >> Post and pole can mean the exact same thing.
> > >
> > >Larry "The Post" Krzewinski......nawww, makes you sound
> > >like something the paperboy tossed off into the bushes.
> >
> > Or it could mean that I'm the top poster every week to rec.humor as
> > some statistician keeps noting. I think he needs broadband.
>
> Banding broads is fun.
Banding: Prohibit bells.
Tim Bruening
Larry Krzewinski wrote:
> On Sat, 01 May 2004 03:05:13 +0100, Dougal <big...@klanmeetings.co.uk>
> wrote:
>
> >>>>>I'm not _that_ easy!
> >>>>
> >>>>That's not what some of the guys from atj tell me behind your
back!
> >>>><g>
> >>>
> >>>Don't judge everyone by the patrons of the places you visit Larry.
> >>
> >>Thanks for giving me that heads up about Wal-Mart.
> >
> >Shop someplace else then.
>
> What? Miss all the people, junk for sale, crap in the aisles and
> parking 20 minutes away from the place? Never!
Crap in the aisles? Doesn't Wal-Mart have restrooms?
Tim Bruening
Dougal wrote:
> On Thu, 22 Apr 2004 14:15:23 -0700, Larry Krzewinski
> <Feerles...@madmagazine.com> wrote:
>
> >On Thu, 22 Apr 2004 13:22:13 -0600, "Mos" <Not@YourHouse> wrote:
> >
> >>>>>> There's something about Keith.
> >>>>>
> >>>>> What exactly?
> >>>>
> >>>> He's very Mary.
> >>>
> >>> Only on drag queen night at the Gay Bar.
> >>
> >>Why should he limit himself?
> >
> >So little Keith, so many gay bars?
>
> He can't spread himself.
Spread Ding: Chinese mayonnaise.
Under Ling: Chinese subordinate.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:41F8AA09...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > Donkey Hote: Ass that tilts at windmills.
> >
> > Pheromones: Ancient Egyptian kings in pain or having sex or both.
>
> . . . on Tooting Common with the clarinet player, Acker
Nutten?
Clarinet: A musical fish catching tool.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:434FA615...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > Columbus: Mass Transit Vehicle that crosses the Blue C.
>
> Narr. It's a big copper strip that carries current across the vertical
> cylindrical things in a portico.
Current: To borrow or lease a canine.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Abbey Normal <abb...@dontspame.com> wrote in message
> news:-qidnVmIkaT...@comcast.com...
> >
> > "nemo" <ne...@newtylust.nit> wrote in message
> > news:ay4xd.34662$Rf4....@fe2.news.blueyonder.co.uk...
> > >
> > > Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> > > news:41C291B7...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > >>
> > >>
> > >> Steve Siegfried wrote:
> > >>
> > >> > Folks,
> > >> >
> > >> > Rumor has it that a certain senior son on spring break was spotted
> > >> > on a street corner in Boulder... busking! Some kind folks should
> > >> > please take the kid in and feed him.
> > >> >
> > >> > And on that proud fatherly thought, Ziggy's Joke o' the day was sent
> > >> > in by Vic:
> > >> >
> > >> > The results of a recent survey have been released. It was a
> > >> > poll on how women felt about the size of their ass.
> > >> >
> > >> > The findings of the study are very interesting: 85% of women
> > >> > think their ass is too big, 10% of women think their ass is
> > >> > too small.
> > >> >
> > >> > And 5% of women say that they don't care, they love him and
> > >> > would have married him anyway.
> > >>
> > >> Married to donkeys? That's worse than the gay marriage controversy!
> > >
> > > Asswife!!
> >
> > butt honey?!?...
> >
> Special brand for use as a lubricant?
Lubricant: Ant that reduces friction.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:40EB8B5D...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> > Reduce: The tennis game is tied again.
> >
> > Reduce: Mussolini is back in power.
> >
> > Subtract: A train underwater.
> >
> > Duction: The process of becoming a duck.
> >
> > Conduct: Against ducks.
> >
> > Conduction: Against becoming a duck.
> >
> > Reduction: To become a duck again.
> >
> > Subtraction: How a sub pushes off against the ground.
> >
> > Duct Tape: Used to tape together broken ducks.
> >
> > Duct Tape: Recording of duck calls.
>
> Duct Tape: Primate in charge of running cables within trunking.
>
> Trunking: Elephant monarch.
Horsing: An equine singer or a singer with a cold.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:41C4E9F9...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > A zookeeper was hospitalised after being diagnosed with severe
> hippotension!
> >
> > But he turned out to be Lion.
>
> A Bee Lion???
No, a C Lion!
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:41C4EA0F...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > James King wrote:
> >
> > > In article <0n3oe01shc6co0mtl...@4ax.com>,
> > > J. A. Mc. <jaS...@gbr.online.com> wrote:
> > >
> > > > On Wed, 07 Jul 2004 13:25:06 GMT, James King <jlk...@ix.netcom.com>
> found
> > > > these unused words floating about:
> > > >
> > > > >In article <shqne0t9s2kor2bja...@4ax.com>,
> > > > > Alan <bogf...@hotmail.com> wrote:
> > > > >
> > > > >> On 7 Jul 2004 00:31:18 -0700, tsbr...@dcn.davis.ca.us (Tim
> Bruening)
> > > > >> wrote:
> > > > >>
> > > > >> >"Mos" <Not@YourHouse> wrote in message
> > > > >> >news:<10eg61p...@corp.supernews.com>...
> > > > >> >> Dougal wrote:
> > > > >>
> > > > >> >> > The Greatest Man Ever - 24293 posts (and counting) of such
> idiotic
> > > > >> >> > conversation you could almost swear you were in Warsaw.
> > > > >> >>
> > > > >> >> Like we can't swear no matter where we are.
> > > > >> >
> > > > >> >Now it's at 24,428.
> > > > >>
> > > > >> Would you swear to that?
> > > > >
> > > > >Hmmm ... seems like an Olympic event: sportswear.
> > > >
> > > > Shhhh ... that's bejing saved for the Chinese Olympunics.
> > >
> > > Jeff Craine here at the Olympunics, let's go to Bart for the play by
> > > play:
> > >
> > > "Well, Craine, it seems like the Russian team's speeding through the
> > > event, but the team from Greece seems to be slipping. The team from
> > > Wales seems to be crying, and the team from Tibet was disqualified for
> > > gambling. The team from Kenya keeps asking others for help, and the team
> > > from Germany has a leg joint injury which will require antibiotics. Back
> > > to you, Craine."
> >
> > Does the Swedish team have a sweet tooth?
> >
> > The team from Iran is leading in all the foot races.
> >
> > Napoleon: Sleeping dictator.
>
> Dictator: Spud in the shape of a thingey.
>
> Commontator: Cockney spud.
>
> Spectator: Spud with lots of eyes.
Rotator: A robot potato.
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:41C4E9FC...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > Mos wrote:
> >
> > > just wondering wrote:
> > > > Tim Bruening wrote:
> > > >>
> > > >> Ceramic: A sheep pottery knight
> > > >>
> > > > Ceramic: A pottery Irishman.
> > >
> > > That should be: potted Irishman.
> >
> > Is the Irishman a plant?
>
> Yeah. He was a silver spy: A secret argent.
R. Gent: A polit male robot.
Tim Bruening
Michael Balarama wrote:
> was sent this:
> I overheard my father telling a family friend about my newly-
> assigned mission in the U.S. Coast Guard. I work on a cutter
> that escorts cruise ships and international vessels under the
> bridges in California's Bay Area. But what my father told his
> friend was, "She's involved in some sort of escort service."
Escort: Snake royal residence.
Tim Bruening
Larry Krzewinski wrote:
> On Sun, 3 Oct 2004 17:36:16 -0600, "Mos" <Not@YourHouse> wrote:
>
> >>>>>>>>> Ask Milt....he figured it out. BTW: How'd you know there
> >>>>>>>>> were a lot of woods around here ?
> >>>>>>>>
> >>>>>>>> You're never able to see the forest for the trees?
> >>>>>>>
> >>>>>>> Can't see the Gymnosperms for the Angiosperms;
> >>>>>>> not to mention all the Dicotyledons that get in the way.
> >>>>>>
> >>>>>> We're back on eighth grade biology again, eh?
> >>>>>
> >>>>> Dendrology. You want a translation ?
> >>>>
> >>>> Ah, go climb a tree.
> >>>
> >>> Beats hanging from one.
> >>
> >> That can be arranged.
> >
> >You working with flowers or furniture now ?
>
> Nope, the executioner.
Arrange: One stove.
Tim Bruening
Tim Bruening
nemo wrote:
> "Tim Bruening" <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
> news:42BCEC0D...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us...
> >
> >
> > nemo wrote:
> >
> > > Tim Bruening <tsbr...@pop.dcn.davis.ca.us> wrote in message
Tim Bruening
Sticker: Twig of dogwood.
Sticker: Glue dog.
Stocker: Inventory dog.
Vicar: Canine religious leader.
Volker: Federal Reserve dog.
Tim Bruening
Waker: Dog at a funeral.
Walker: Another NYSE dog.
Wracker: Destructive dog.
Wrecker: Another destructive dog.
Wanker: Masturbating dog.
Nemo
Yohhhhhhh Heavvvvvve Hohhhhhhh, Woof! - Yohhhhhhh Heavvvvvve Hohhhhhhh,
Woof! - Yohhhhhhh Heavvvvvve Hohhhhhhh, Woof! - Yohhhhhhh Heavvvvvve
Hohhhhhhh, Woof! . . .
There ought to be the rustling of Bollar Dills in there as well!