True writing assignment [HUMOR]

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John Ross

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Jul 30, 1997, 3:00:00 AM7/30/97
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What follows is a writing assignment that I am told was actually
turned in at Southern Methodist University. As Judge Roy Bean might
have said, "This story is true. And if it isn't, it ought to be."

I haven't laughed so hard in a week.

JR

===================================================

This assignment was actually turned in by two of my English
students: Rebecca and Gary , English 44A SMU, Creative
Writing, Prof. Miller

In-class Assignment for Wednesday

Today we will experiment with a new form called the
tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair
off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right. One
of you will then write the first paragraph of a short story.
The partner will read the first paragraph and then add
another paragraph to the story. The first person will then add
a third paragraph, and so on back and forth. Remember to
reread what has been written each time in order to keep the
story coherent. The story is over when both agree a
conclusion has been reached.


At first, Laurie couldn't decide which kind of tea she
wanted. The chamomile, which used to be her favorite for
lazy evenings at home, now reminded her too much of Carl,
who once said, in happier times, that he liked chamomile.
But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought
about him too much her asthma started acting up again. So
chamomile was out of the question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the
attack squadron now in orbit over Skylon 4, had more
important things to think about than the neuroses of an
air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he
had spent one sweaty night over a year ago. "A.S. Harris to
Geostation 17," he said into his transgalactic communicator.
"Polar orbit established. No sign of resistance so far..." But
before he could sign off a bluish particle beam flashed out of
nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship's cargo bay.
The jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and
across the cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not
before he felt one last pang of regret for psychically
brutalizing the one woman who had ever had feelings for
him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless hostilities
towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. "Congress Passes
Law Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel."
Laurie read in her newspaper one morning. The news
simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared out the
window, dreaming of her youth-when the days had passed
unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no
television to distract her from her sense of innocent wonder
at all the beautiful things around her. "Why must one lose
one's innocence to become a woman?" she pondered
wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live.
Thousands of miles above the city, the Anu'udrian
mothership launched the first of its lithium fusion missiles.
The dimwitted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the Unilateral
Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left
Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who
were determined to destroy the human race. Within two
hours after the passage of the treaty the Anu'udrian ships
were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they
swiftly initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion
missile entered the atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in
his top-secret mobile submarine headquarters on the ocean
floor off the coast of Guam, felt the inconceivably massive
explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other
Americans. The President slammed his fist on the
conference table. "We can't allow this! I'm going to veto that
treaty! Let's blow'em out of the sky!"

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of
literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic,
semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you're a self-centered tedious neurotic whose
attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bitch.

===================================================

Grey

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Jul 30, 1997, 3:00:00 AM7/30/97
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In article <33df4367...@nntp.ix.netcom.com>, John Ross says...

> What follows is a writing assignment that I am told was actually
> turned in at Southern Methodist University. As Judge Roy Bean might
> have said, "This story is true. And if it isn't, it ought to be."

> Asshole.
>
> Bitch.
>
> ===================================================
>

I am such a sucker for this one... I must have seen it ten or fifteen
times and it still tickles me to death... thanks ;-)


--
Grey -- Occasional Jackass

faer...@juno.com (automatic reply disabled with no-spam)

Occasionally Welcome on #Authors
http://www.bright.net/~fawnn01/authors/authors.htm

Reluctant Channel Manager for #Artist
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Un-PC Zen Question:
If a man speaks in a forest, and there is no woman present, is he still
wrong?

Ray Dittmeier

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Jul 31, 1997, 3:00:00 AM7/31/97
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My friend jfr...@ix.netcom.com (John Ross) translated from the
original Sanskrit text:

>Today we will experiment with a new form called the
>tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair
>off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.

I'm having trouble figuring out how this could possibly work.

--
Mother Nature's a mad scientist, Jerry!
--Cosmo Kramer

John Ross

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Jul 31, 1997, 3:00:00 AM7/31/97
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On Thu, 31 Jul 1997 04:05:21 GMT, her...@iglou.com (Ray Dittmeier)
wrote:

>>Today we will experiment with a new form called the
>>tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair
>>off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.
>
>I'm having trouble figuring out how this could possibly work.

I resisted the temptation to edit the instruction for accuracy.

And I apologize for posting something that I now know was posted here
some months ago.

JR

Scratch

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Jul 31, 1997, 3:00:00 AM7/31/97
to

In article <33e00eec...@news.iglou.com>,

Ray Dittmeier <her...@iglou.com> wrote:
>My friend jfr...@ix.netcom.com (John Ross) translated from the
>original Sanskrit text:
>
>>Today we will experiment with a new form called the
>>tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair
>>off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.
>
>I'm having trouble figuring out how this could possibly work.

Every other row (column? file?) faces the back of the room.

--
"Most people learn from their past mistakes and in future
lives go on to grow into better people. Others, who don't,
become ogres." - E. A. Scarborough, _The Godmother_
Eliminate Unsolicited Commercial Email: http://www.cauce.org

Jason K. Chapman

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Jul 31, 1997, 3:00:00 AM7/31/97
to

On Thu, 31 Jul 1997 04:05:21 GMT, her...@iglou.com (Ray Dittmeier)
wrote:

>My friend jfr...@ix.netcom.com (John Ross) translated from the
>original Sanskrit text:
>
>>Today we will experiment with a new form called the
>>tandem story. The process is simple. Each person will pair
>>off with the person sitting to his or her immediate right.
>
>I'm having trouble figuring out how this could possibly work.
>
>
>

>--
>Mother Nature's a mad scientist, Jerry!
> --Cosmo Kramer

Take an even number of people, seat them in a circle, and have every
other one face outward. It's the only way. Isn't that how classrooms
are always organized?


Jason K. Chapman (sub 'interserv' for 'sprynet' to reply)

"A writer is a controlled schizophrenic." -Edward Albee

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