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Election 2000: The Millenial High Colonic

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HellPope Huey

Jun 22, 1999, 3:00:00 AM6/22/99

I think its time for a real sea change in our electoral process. I
think we need to grab the bullshit by the horns, admit that our system
sucks so hard, its pulling the hair off small animals nationwide and
place in office a REAL force FOR THE PEOPLE.

I believe we should make an economy-sized tube of Desenex our next

Don't laugh yet! Consider: Desenex offers real relief, whereas human
presidents promise it, but rarely, if ever, deliver. It CURES itching
rather than creating it and certainly SMELLS better than any Pink,
pampered, spine-challenged, lick-spittle, ornery-constituent-sucking,
page-porking, posturing, self-absorbed, two-faced, Bible-stroking,
one-nutted, liver-spotted crapsack of a fuck who'd sell your vitals to
the highest bidder for a $5k campaign donation and a handjob from a
nubile young Cuban lawnboy.

Desenex has no gender and therefore could never be caught in a
compromising position of a sexual nature. It has no family to humiliate
it, no nepotism to squirm about after the fact, no out-of-kilter desires
that are a breeding ground for peckerdillos that will bite it in the
butt later and it has no looks to lose as its used up. Sure, it develops
wrinkles as time goes by, but those won't be held against it like
they're so shamefully held against women who are generally too good for
YOU, ya pig.

It RELIEVES rashes, whereas every President we've had since Kennedy
has CAUSED them and the only reason HE didn't create a few is that he
was the last Prez to hold court before being circumspect & having good
manners fell out of favor and the media feeding frenzy began. One of the
more intelligent of my many peculiar past pals pointed out that even if
you ARE in the right, the wall-rattling timbre of a thousand
cantankerous throats arrayed against you MAKES you wrong by default. The
idea of really "winning the day" has become so subjective, you may as
well turn to the Tooth Fairy for a car loan as take up an eggbeater and
a Hanson car air freshener in a bid to "fight the good fight" against a
monster TRUCK.

If people can't even grasp enough simple biology to understand how the
overuse of antibiotics has long term consequences, then how in the
swollen purple HELL are they going to be able to properly guage an
entire political platform? I can do it, but I always put on rubber
gloves first and wash after.

Hell, if you were to go back and check out the bone-crushingly
horrifying shit that George Bush signed off on, you'd begin to realize
that a tube o' nostrum couldn't POSSIBLY do MORE harm and would help us
all immeasurably by simply SITTING there. Historically, mere inactivity
has done far less harm than bad decisions, with only a few exceptions.

Diplomacy has become defined as the art of saying "Nice doggy" until
you can lay hands on a large enough stick. Hmph! I sure wish someone
would SAY "nice doggy" rather than just clouting me in the head with no
warning at all, but that's our system. The surest sign that our
'leaders' are out of touch is the fact that they're puzzled by low voter
turnout. We've been lied to about everything from national policy, Santa
and cars to pot and cellulite, so the main force is obviously the
Convenient Lie party. I doubt that Desenex would lie to Congress; no
personal adgenda, y'know.

I can just see a wad of Christian Coalition blowhards trying to win
over the Presidential tube. All it would have to say would be "Fuck the
hell OFF, what do *I* care? I'm a tube of OINTMENT, fer chrissakes!"

Desenex can't abridge your personal freedoms by giving stormtroopers
carte blanch to enter your home if they "think" that you're doing
something "bad," can't vote to use hellishly expensive imported Italian
marble for the Hoover Dam visitors center instead of the original
material, can't give a thumbs-up to weird behind-the-scenes deals
involving shifty money handling and hasn't the facility to lie to our
damned faces on national TV, interrupting the few TV shows left that
aren't COMPLETE shit with a twist to the national scrotum. The Good Ol'
Boys bank on your disinterest and overburdened brains working in concert
to allow them leeway to commit deeds so horrifying, they makes goats
give clumps of cottage cheese instead of milk. (BOY, I'll bet that

So if you're tired of seeing one crapulent, overprivileged ASSHOLE
after another gain public office and then fart on your needs, hopes and
dreams like the contestants at a burrito-&-beer pig-out contest in
Guadalacaca, take my advice: VOTE DESENEX! It doesn't exactly LOVE you,
but it CAN'T FUCK YOU OVER, EITHER! If a human fireplace log like Gore
can run, surely a fistful of cream designed to sooth a baby's butt can
come in second once the inflammation dies down.

HellPope Huey
"Buckle Up: It Makes It Harder For Aliens
To Suck You Out Of Your Car" -bumper sticker wisdom

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