My latest screenplay
Outshined
insight into their lifestyles and hinting at their short and long term
goals...
*Nervous smile*
Too long?
MwsReader
Outshined wrote:
> *Nervous smile*
> Too long?
Yep. Way.
JR
atlas
about three words‹ Who Wants What. We will learn about your characters by
observing them as they pursue their goals, in action and in conflict.
A good book that might help you in this area is Christopher Vogler's _The
Writer's Journey_. But don't think you've wasted time‹ you need to know
all the facet's of your characters' existence, even if your audience
doesn't.
atlas
In article <01bdf52d$6ff36f00$2fffabc3@dog42>, "Outshined"
wcma...@compuserve.com
Not too long if you're writing a novel! Here's the opening scene from one of
my scripts. The goal was to intro the world the story takes place in, the
lead character, his big problem, AND to hook the reader. It's six and a half
pages, so it may be broken up....
"SHOW OF FORCE"
EXT. USS STOWERS AIRCRAFT CARRIER -- DAY
Over a thousand feet long, weighing 91,487 tons, home to 3,280 sailors and
2,480 fliers, a city in the ocean.
INT. READY ROOM -- DAY
TWO DOZEN PILOTS AND RIOS (radar intercept officers) are briefed on their
mission by CAPTAIN ELSTER. Briarwood pipe, paternal manner; Elster seems
more like a high school math teacher than a Navy air wing commander.
ELSTER
We'll be patrolling the No-Fly Zone again today...
One of the RIOs, HANK "JOKER" MacKENNA, raises his hand.
ELSTER
Yes, MacKenna.
MACKENNA
Sir, should we really be patrolling a no-fly zone in airplanes?
Doesn't it defeat the purpose?
Some laughs from the others.
MacKenna's pilot and partner, Lt. TOM STONE, shakes his head. Stone is a
take charge career pilot, hoping to make CAG (Commander Air Group) some day.
Stone has seen the worst there is, and never lost his cool. A pair of chromed
45 automatics instead of the issued 92F.
ELSTER
Let me address that: Though there's been little recorded activity
in the region, we need to stay on our toes.
(puffs his pipe)
There's nothing routine about our mission here. Stay alert and
stay alive.
When MacKenna starts to raise his hand again, Stone grabs it and pulls it
back down. MacKenna raises his other hand. Stone pulls that one down. This
goes on until Stone and all of the pilots are laughing. Elster gives them a
look. Quiet.
ELSTER
Tonight's movie is "Courage Under Fire" starring Denzel Washington...
INT. HANGER BAY
MacKenna and Stone give their F-14 Tomcat a pre-flight inspection, a brown
shirted CREW CHIEF notes any problems.
CHIEF
You want to kick the tires?
STONE
I'm flying it, not buying it.
Stone checks the nose gear, then gives the Crew Chief a nod.
STONE
I'll sign.
Crew Chief hands him a big 3 ring binder, Stone signs.
CHIEF
It's all yours.
MacKenna and Stone punch their fists together. The last time they will be
able touch until the mission is over. Once in the plane, their lives depend
on each other, but they can't even see one another's face.
MACKENNA
Did you get the optional liability insurance?
STONE
(laughs)
For ten bucks we can bring this thing back in pieces.
"Joker" MacKenna climbs the ladder and gets in, Stone follows.
MACKENNA
Remember, it's not just a job, it's an adventure.
OTHER PILOTS AND RIOS punch fists together before entering their planes.
It's a ritual onboard the USS Stowers.
EXT. USS STOWERS AIRCRAFT CARRIER
A jet roars off the bow of the carrier, taking flight.
The elevator brings the F-14 up to the flight deck.
INT. F-14 TOMCAT COCKPIT
Behind Stone, MacKenna goes through take-off check list.
MACKENNA
Wings spread and locked. Flaps and slats in take off position.
Stone communicates with Flight Deck Control.
FD CONTROL (V.O.)
Tomcat seven one seven you're up next. Cat number one.
STONE
Tomcat seven one seven, cat number one, copy that.
EXT. FLIGHT DECK
A Yellow Shirted TAXI DIRECTOR waves Stone & MacKenna's F-14 Tomcat into
position at Catapult #1. The jet blast deflector raises behind the plane,
and a Green Shirted CAT CREW member connects the nose gear to the shuttle
with a shear bolt.
The Yellow Shirted SHOOTER signals Stone to go full throttle.
INT. F-14 TOMCAT COCKPIT
Stone goes full throttle.
STONE
Full throttle.
EXT. FLIGHT DECK
The Shooter raises his left hand, palm out, five fingers up.
INT. F-14 TOMCAT COCKPIT
STONE
Afterburners.
EXT. FLIGHT DECK
The Shooter salutes Stone, touches two fingers to the deck... The launch
signal.
INT. F-14 TOMCAT COCKPIT
Stone salutes, and prepares for launch.
EXT. FLIGHT DECK
The catapult BLASTS the F-14 down the flight deck towards the bow of the
ship...
But something is wrong.
INT. F-14 TOMCAT COCKPIT
STONE
Cold shot! Cold shot!
The catapult doesn't give the plane enough speed to fly, just shoves it off
the deck of the carrier
The F-14 SPLASHES into the ocean.
MACKENNA
Damn!
Stone on the radio.
STONE
This is Tomcat seven zero seven. We've had a cold shot, do you copy?
MacKenna notices it's getting dark in the cockpit.
MACKENNA
Stone?
EXT. USS STOWERS AIRCRAFT CARRIER
The bow of the ship towering over them.
INT. F-14 TOMCAT COCKPIT -- DARK
Stone looks through the canopy.
MACKENNA
We're gonna get run over!
STONE
Hold on!
WHAM!
The whole cockpit shakes as the carrier hits them...
Then presses them 33 feet underwater!
It gets darker.
Water begins flowing into the cockpit.
MACKENNA
Tom. Tom.
STONE
It's okay. Hold on. We're under the ship. It's going right over us...
MacKenna is panicking.
Water is SPRAYING in under the canopy.
Stone looks up...
THE SHIP'S BOTTOM SKIDS OVER THE CANOPY only inches overhead. 1,040 feet of
ship! Will the plexiglass break?
MACKENNA
Tom? We gotta punch out...
STONE
If we punch out, we'll splash the hull of the ship.
The cockpit is filling rapidly with water.
Up to their waist.
MacKenna is panicking.
The underside of the ship SCRAPES over the canopy.
STONE
We aren't going to drown, Hank. We have oxygen. Okay?
MacKenna can't see Stone, can't touch him.
Both men are only a few feet apart, but alone.
Alone in the dark.
Water level reaching their chest...
Their necks...
Stone lifts his oxygen mask to his face.
Then they hear the noise.
MACKENNA
Oh God. The screws. They'll turn us into hamburger....
STONE
We're gonna be okay, Hank.
But Stone isn't so sure any more.
The cockpit begins to VIBRATE as the propellers get closer.
The water level continues to rise.
STONE
Just keep your head, okay?
No answer.
Stone puts the mask back on as the water covers his face.
Vibration increases. The cockpit spins and shakes as if caught in a washing
machine. Flipping upside down and backwards.
The 22 foot diameter propeller slices off part of the plane.
Then LIGHT begins to seep into the cockpit.
The stern of the aircraft carrier moves away from them.
EXT. OCEAN -- DAY
The F-14 Tomcat floats in the ocean, a gash in the fuselage.
INT. F-14 TOMCAT COCKPIT
STONE
Hank? Hank?
No answer. But the water in the cockpit is tinted red.
EXT. HELICOPTER
A rescue helicopter hovers over the F-14 Tomcat, rescuing Stone, and taking
MacKenna's body away in a basket.
The rescue helicopter glides over the ocean.
INT. HELICOPTER
A MEDIC makes Stone let go of Hank's hand so that he can zip up the body bag.
Stone looks at the bag.
EXT. HELICOPTER
The rescue helicopter disappears.
FADE OUT
INT. PILOT'S LOCKER ROOM -- DAY
Stone, with a day's growth of beard, opens the locker labeled "Joker".
Fights to maintain composure as he packs MacKenna's personal belongings into
a cardboard box.
In the back of the locker, a drugstore envelope of photos.
Stone closes the locker, closes the cardboard box, opens the envelope of
photos.
EXT. FLIGHT DECK
Ocean as far as the eye can see.
Stone stands at the railing, flipping through the photos. Snapshots from
shore leave. Stone or MacKenna or the other PILOTS hamming it up. Smiling.
Drinking. Living.
One photo shows Stone and MacKenna laughing, beers raised.
Stone keeps this photo, tosses all of the other photos into the ocean. The
saltwater makes the colors run.
FADE OUT
By the way, this was written as a Navy/DOD project so there are a ton of
unneccessary details concerning the protocol for take off... without that
stuff the Navy probably wouldn't allow the use of their toys.
I tried to compress as much info into a short and exciting scene. The plot
takes off around page 10, after Stone is introduced to his new RIO, Barton,
and they find out the carrier will host the signing of a Middle East peace
treaty... with the President, a dozen Middle East leaders, and the press
taking over the ship. Terrible time for a war to break out, right? With the
ship becoming a floating Alamo surrounded by hostile air forces?
- Bill
--
The Secrets Of Action Screenwriting
http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/wcmartell
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Chrasstass
Whatever works for the story.
Lou Grantt
>By the way, this was written as a Navy/DOD project so there are a ton of
>unneccessary details concerning the protocol for take off... without that
>stuff the Navy probably wouldn't allow the use of their toys.
>I tried to compress as much info into a short and exciting scene. The plot
>takes off around page 10, after Stone is introduced to his new RIO, Barton,
>and they find out the carrier will host the signing of a Middle East peace
>treaty... with the President, a dozen Middle East leaders, and the press
>taking over the ship. Terrible time for a war to break out, right? With the
>ship becoming a floating Alamo surrounded by hostile air forces?
>- Bill
>--
>The Secrets Of Action Screenwriting
>http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/wcmartell
Very nicely done! And I enjoyed the extra details. It added much to
the atmosphere without bogging it down.
Excellent introduction of your main character. I'm guessing at what
his "inner conflict" will be and how it might affect the "outer
conflict" in the rest of the script.
Thanks for sharing it with us.
Lou
*********************************************************************
Lou Grantt, Editor, HOLLYWOOD SCRIPTWRITER
http://hollywoodscriptwriter.com
*********************************************************************
Screenplay Consultations
http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/lgrantt
*********************************************************************
Skip Press
lgrant...@earthlink.net (Lou Grantt) wrote:
>wcma...@compuserve.com wrote:
>
>>By the way, this was written as a Navy/DOD project so there are a ton of
>>unneccessary details concerning the protocol for take off... without that
>>stuff the Navy probably wouldn't allow the use of their toys.
>
>>I tried to compress as much info into a short and exciting scene. The plot
>>takes off around page 10, after Stone is introduced to his new RIO, Barton,
>>and they find out the carrier will host the signing of a Middle East peace
>>treaty... with the President, a dozen Middle East leaders, and the press
>>taking over the ship. Terrible time for a war to break out, right? With the
>>ship becoming a floating Alamo surrounded by hostile air forces?
>
>Very nicely done! And I enjoyed the extra details. It added much to
>the atmosphere without bogging it down.
>
>Excellent introduction of your main character. I'm guessing at what
>his "inner conflict" will be and how it might affect the "outer
>conflict" in the rest of the script.
>
>Thanks for sharing it with us.
I agree. Nice for once seeing a script posted that's been in production.
I've been kicking around whether or not to use CUT TOs for a while, and
have only been using them when you change actual physical location. Now
that I see Martell's doing it, I'm guessing that's become a standard.
Right?
Skip Press
>(opening scene from "Show Of Force")
>
[snip]
>4) This fine motion picture screenplay is available for purchase. Act now,
>before it's too late.
If the rest of the script is as good as the opening and I don't see why it
wouldn't be, seems like it wouldn't be on the market long, particuarly
given the fact that the services could really use another "Top Gun"
recruiting draw at the moment. Recruitment is so down they've seriously
discussed the draft. Morale is down, and there's a problem with some
recruits that they get who can be categorized as nothing less than "evil".
(That's straight from some top brass.) Of course, I don't know if your
script supports military service or has your hero walking away from it.
--
All the best,
Skip Press, the Duke of URL
Hollywood: http://www.primapublishing.com/PageBuilder.asp?Page=76150399
Write What You Want: http://www.cmonline.com/boson/howto.html
Business Edge: http://www.computoredge.com/Editorial/business.htm
wcma...@compuserve.com
wcma...@compuserve.com wrote:
(opening scene from "Show Of Force")
PS:
1) Someone also wanted to know how to kill off a character, and this scene
does that.
2) And as to "theme in opening scene" here it is...
> INT. HELICOPTER
>
> A MEDIC makes Stone let go of Hank's hand so that he can zip up the body bag.
> Stone looks at the bag.
You have to let go of the bad things in the past and get on with your life.
(I found a visual to illustrate my theme).
3) Stone is NOT named after Bob Stone! I began with the character, unmoving,
hanging on to the past, cut off from society, who had build so many
barracades around himself for protection that he became the barracade
himself... a man who seems stone cold. Later in the script his new RIO
offers to paint "Stone Cold" on his helmet. The script becomes a battle for
the heart of Stone.
4) This fine motion picture screenplay is available for purchase. Act now,
before it's too late.
- Bill
--
The Secrets Of Action Screenwriting
http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/wcmartellws.com/gifs/art_nav.gif
Don Vasicek
Great job! Fits a lot of things into place in a hurry. Makes a great
read. Should make a great sale. Keep us posted.
Don Vasicek
mr._neeek
>I've taken up 40 pages introducing my main characters
<snip>
>Too long?
Only by about 28-30 pages. Riting is Wreriting.
Your friend,
Mr. Neeek
WGAw | S.A.G.
To reply, send email to neeek @ westworld.com
(remove the spaces on either side
of the @ of course)
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