OT: Silly Poll (slight vent)
Welches
We've been renting it for 2 years and have just bought it, so we wanted to
do some DIY. DH and FIL went up into the loft and insulated and boarded it.
Me and MIL had the job of clearing stuff into boxes and looking after DD.
Usually I get on fine with my MIL, but she seemed to spend the entire visit
picking at me. She kept telling me I should throw things out, particularly
things that Rachel has grown out of. She knows we're wanting more children,
so what is the point in throwing all her baby clothes away? If I said
something belonged to DH she was happy to keep it, but anything she didn't
like of mine needed to be chucked and she assumed any untidiness was due to
me. For example dh's college accademic books which he never looks at looked
"rather attractive" on the bookshelves, but my collectable books (which are
similar height and colour) really should be packed away. I'm not the most
tidy person, but neither's DH. I usually clean thoroughly before they come,
but they came at short notice and with all the DIY doing I didn't see the
point in cleaning/hoovering just for paint/sawdust etc. to gather.
When I pointed out that some things like hoovering are difficult to do often
because either dd is asleep and I don't want to wake her, or she's awake and
she wants to "help", which takes twice as long and isn't as good. She told
me that dd helped her with it and it was fine. (However I noticed it wasn't
very well done!) I usually hoover the lounge three plus times a week as dd
drops so many crumbs, but upstairs is harder so is probably done quickly
only once a fortnight, and the carpets always look dirty even after they've
just been done.
Among other things she told me was that the sink should be scrubbed more
often than weekly. I happen to know that her idea of cleaning the sink is
before visitors, and then half the time she just cleans round the taps so
they sparkle and doesn't bother about the rest.
The worst thing she said was that my house was so dirty and "disgusting"
that no one would want to come to see me, which I found really upsetting. Dh
took it up with her and basically her reason for that was that I hadn't
dusted the mantelpiece for more than 2 weeks. She then spent some time
instructing me how to dust, telling me that I needed to remove everything
and use this cloth and do it like this. (She did it for me the next day and
dusted round everything on the mantelpiece) I spend some time every day
doing some cleaning, and I don feel I work hard on it. It isn't a very good
house for cleaning as most things are so old and white so they show every
mark and look dirty even when cleaned)
What I found particularly annoying is that I find her house quite difficult
because I can't stand spiders, and she doesn't notice them. There are quite
big cobwebs on some of the ceilings and they never get removed, but worst of
all is that she has spiders in her food cupboards. They're quite big (the
long thin legged sort) and if she's serving food not from a sealed packet I
find this quite difficult to eat. A bit ago I told her she had a spider in
her fridge and all she said was "it'll be a cold spider then" and left it
there. It was still there last time we were there, and probably still is
there, three months later.
They're meant to be coming back in about 6 weeks time to help us do the
kitchen. I'm trying to work out whether I can go somewhere else without
looking too obvious or rude as I don't want to fall out with her completely
(just not see her for a reasonable time)
Am I being silly and sensitive?
So my poll is:
Would you rather visit/eat at a house where the mantelpiece hadn't been
dusted for over two weeks, or a house which had spiders in the foodcupboards
and fridge?
Debbie
lisa
----------
In article <bJim9.651$G01.101785@newsfep2-gui>, "Welches"
<wel...@ntlworld.com> wrote:
> So my poll is:
> Would you rather visit/eat at a house where the mantelpiece hadn't been
> dusted for over two weeks, or a house which had spiders in the foodcupboards
> and fridge?
Give me dust any day! Spiders are cute in books and as costumes, but the
real-life ones scare the hell out of me!
Lisa
SuperEeyore
"Welches" <wel...@ntlworld.com> wrote in message
news:bJim9.651$G01.101785@newsfep2-gui...
> So my poll is:
> Would you rather visit/eat at a house where the mantelpiece hadn't been
> dusted for over two weeks, or a house which had spiders in the
foodcupboards
> and fridge?
Heehee! For me it would depend on whether or not there is a smart little
kid announcing in the background the scientific fact of dust is some huge
percent of dead human skin! My sister announced such a fact to me a few
years back, lol.
<hugs>
Laurel
Welches
Mary S. <mswe...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:3D99BC93...@yahoo.com...
> Welches wrote:
>
> > So my poll is:
> > Would you rather visit/eat at a house where the mantelpiece hadn't been
> > dusted for over two weeks, or a house which had spiders in the
foodcupboards
> > and fridge?
>
Partially loaded (!) partially to try and reassure myself that I'm not
abnormal! :-)
What if you ask
> MIL to play with Rachel while you do the settling in next time she's
> over? Or can you send Rachel to MIL with book after book after book?
> Get her out of the way in a "what a lovely opportunity to spend more
> time with your granddaughter who adores you so" kind of way?
>
Nice idea. Unfortunately dd has her own opinions. Any "Grandma will read you
the book" was responded by "no, mummy read". MIL is one of these people that
has to be doing things. She's not really a sit down and play sort of person.
She is not good at reading books (she reads them with no expression except a
tone of disgust at the contents and usually says that the book is silly or
she doesn't like it etc. at the end) She has no imagination on playing and
dd likes playing dolls and tea parties which she doesn't enjoy, she might
sip a cup of "tea" if dd brings it, but she doesn't pretend to eat etc.(she
had 3 sons who didn't do that sort of thing) The only thing she really likes
is the train set, which doesn't take long to set up, and then dd likes to do
the trains herself.
She is very proud of Rachel. Every time dd said something that wasn't
understandable she told everyone that she said "grandma". She says "granny"
(my mum) but can't manage Grandma yet. She usually called her "that" with a
point-her standard word when she doesn't say the actual word. Amusingly my
FIL she called "me" because when he arrived he said to her "would you like
to give that to me".
Debbie
Beth Kevles
Hi -
I'll ignore the poll. (My feeling is that kitchens and bathrooms should
be spotless, and nothing else matters.)
With repect to your MIL, figure out a task that can be her
responsibility in your house. It can be one she does with your
daughter, or one she does on her own. My MIL, who comes 3-4 times/year
at best (they live far off) has certain responsibilities in my house.
She has come to understand that certain things just won't happen if she
doesn't do them. (OK, so I may actually clean out certain areas in her
absence, but I sure don't TELL her I do so :-) She's also responsible
for baking cookies and pancakes with my children, who are always begging
for her to come visit. (They LIKE cookies and pancakes, and I just
don't have the patience for either.)
Just an idea,
--Beth Kevles
bethk...@aol.com
http://web.mit.edu/kevles/www/nomilk.html -- a page for the milk-allergic
Disclaimer: Nothing in this message should be construed as medical
advice. Please consult with your own medical practicioner.
Elana Kehoe
Seconded...I'd feel like I had to inspect every piece of food and drink.
If I see a spider, I'm out the door.
E
--
I like .spaghetti but not in my email.
Member, IrelandOffline
Users bringing affordable Net access to Ireland
http://www.irelandoffline.com
Banty
::snip long rant about MIL - I sympathize::
>They're meant to be coming back in about 6 weeks time to help us do the
>kitchen. I'm trying to work out whether I can go somewhere else without
>looking too obvious or rude as I don't want to fall out with her completely
>(just not see her for a reasonable time)
>Am I being silly and sensitive?
No, you're being a normal self-respecting person.
Can you do the kitchen yourselves? Or just with FIL helping out? See - if
you're accepting help from these folks, looks like there's a downside with the
upside. Good comes with bad and all that. But maybe you can mitigate it. When
they help, naturally they're in your stuff, and that's what's hard.
The kitchen job may not be as bad as far as getting into personal stuff.
Possibly, with an *empty* kitchen when they arrive, and an *empty* re-done
kitchen when they leave, a temporary eating table in another room and relying on
take out (or take them out "in gratitude" when they're there), and *no* kitchen
stuff going in or being organized until it's done and they're gone, you can
avoid the whole kitchen-personal-stuff-who-puts-what-where hassle completely.
Have you discussed this whole issue with your DH? Maybe he can be sensitive and
be around to change topics, or say "now now stop that" to his mother.
>
>So my poll is:
>Would you rather visit/eat at a house where the mantelpiece hadn't been
>dusted for over two weeks, or a house which had spiders in the foodcupboards
>and fridge?
Eh - personal preference, YMMV. I see no reason to "vote" on something like
thsi. Like, one person likes the house squeaky clean but is very disorderly;
another has everything in its place but doesn't see dust. I'm a little of both.
Banty
Welches
just that she seemed to be picking at me the entire time. I don't mind being
told I'm untidy or that something could do with cleaning, but it was the
constant complaints. My feeling was that we have different standards. (she
is retired and has more time also) And I might not dust to her standards,
but that she doesn't keep the kitchen to my standards. She is also always
complaining about the state of friends' houses, so I have this feeling that
she's going to be on the phone to all her friends and relatives telling them
that our house was so terrible and particularly what a bad wife I am.
With repect to your MIL, figure out a task that can be her
> responsibility in your house. It can be one she does with your
> daughter, or one she does on her own. My MIL, who comes 3-4 times/year
> at best (they live far off) has certain responsibilities in my house.
> She has come to understand that certain things just won't happen if she
> doesn't do them.
responsibility and she wasn't coming to do things in my house. She does
usually do the washing up, which we're grateful for. Maybe I should save it
from the previous week? :-)
She's also responsible
> for baking cookies and pancakes with my children, who are always begging
> for her to come visit. (They LIKE cookies and pancakes, and I just
> don't have the patience for either.)
veg person-I cook sweets and treats. I'll have your MIL to visit please!!!
Thanks for the ideas, I might try and get woking separately next time. At
least she'll then be restricted in time for her comments.
Debbie
Laurie
>Would you rather visit/eat at a house where the mantelpiece hadn't been
>dusted for over two weeks, or a house which had spiders in the foodcupboards
>and fridge?
>
>Debbie
Since I live in a house which has a mantle that hasn't been dusted for over 2
weeks, I'm gonna have to go with that. :)
The spider thing would freak me out big time!
laurie
mommy to Jessica, 18 months &
peanut, due 4/10/03
Shawn
> Would you rather visit/eat at a house where the mantelpiece hadn't been
> dusted for over two weeks, or a house which had spiders in the foodcupboards
> and fridge?
I happen to like spiders and dust wouldn't bother me either, so both
houses would be ok with me.
I can certainly understand the issues with your MIL - she shouldn't be
interferring with your life regardless of the condition of your
respective houses. But being an entomologist, I do need to speak up for
the spiders :) FWIW, spiders are not going to get into your food unless
they happen to be wandering by (unlikely with the cellar spiders you
decribed) or if there is something in your food for them to eat! Spiders
are predacious so they are going to eat insects or something similar.
They aren't going to be interested in inanimate human food :) And the
fridge spider will most certainly die of the cold so don't worry about
him either.
Shawn
toypup
> kitchen. I'm trying to work out whether I can go somewhere else without
> looking too obvious or rude as I don't want to fall out with her
completely
> (just not see her for a reasonable time)
> Am I being silly and sensitive?
No. I'd feel the same way and worse.
> So my poll is:
> Would you rather visit/eat at a house where the mantelpiece hadn't been
> dusted for over two weeks, or a house which had spiders in the
foodcupboards
> and fridge?
I'd take the dust. Actually, I have both.
Penny Gaines
[snip]
> So my poll is:
> Would you rather visit/eat at a house where the mantelpiece hadn't
> been dusted for over two weeks, or a house which had spiders in the
> foodcupboards and fridge?
I don't mind dust, but I can't imagine wanting to eat in a house
where there were spiders in the fridge.
Of course, there's dirt, and there's dirt. I used to have a friend
who rented a room in a filthy house. I'd often be invited to stay
for supper, and it was really hard to eat it, knowing what the kitchen
was like.
--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three
JennP
"Shawn" <csura...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:3D99D1ED...@hotmail.com...
Spiders
> are predacious so they are going to eat insects or something similar.
> They aren't going to be interested in inanimate human food :)
Then could the spider be eating other "food bugs" that can be in flour,
rice, and food that is left open. Maybe her MIL has an infestation. I forget
what they are called. Boll Weevils maybe? Spiders living in the cabinets
would bother me because they are probably there for a reason.
JennP.
Rosalie B.
>So my poll is:
>Would you rather visit/eat at a house where the mantelpiece hadn't been
>dusted for over two weeks, or a house which had spiders in the foodcupboards
>and fridge?
I don't mind either spiders OR dust. On the whole, I prefer spiders
to dust because I have asthma and dust makes me sneeze and spiders
don't.
grandma Rosalie
Rosalie B.
I was fortunate in that my MIL never ever said anything to me about
how I kept the house, or raised my kids or anything else. Either she
was sensitive to the problem because HER MIL lived with her for a
considerable period of time, or she just didn't care - I don't know
which. I was just grateful and tried not to roil the waters. She
also didn't seem very interested in her grandchildren (neither mine
nor her daughters) which I kind of regretted.
THe person that I had a problem with was my mom.
Eventually we came to an understanding - if my mom wanted to do
something about the dust (or whatever) in my house or wanted to
rearrange the kitchen cabinets, she could, and I wouldn't get upset
with her if I didn't have to hear about it all the time. If she
didn't like the way I packed suitcases (and she didn't), I didn't mind
if she did it for me. If she didn't like how I toilet trained the
kids, she could do it for me (she sometimes did depending on where we
were living at the time).
Now this understanding took us a fair amount of time to come to. But
she's always felt that she could do stuff the best way, and has always
had way more energy for that kind of thing than I have.
SO --- I think this is a place for your dh to come into the picture.
"Welches" <wel...@ntlworld.com> wrote:
>This weekend my in-laws came to help us "move" into our newly bought home.
>We've been renting it for 2 years and have just bought it, so we wanted to
>do some DIY. DH and FIL went up into the loft and insulated and boarded it.
>Me and MIL had the job of clearing stuff into boxes and looking after DD.
>Usually I get on fine with my MIL, but she seemed to spend the entire visit
>picking at me. She kept telling me I should throw things out, particularly
It does seem like she spent a lot of time picking - why do you suppose
that was? If you could think of a reason, it might be easier to
understand.
>things that Rachel has grown out of. She knows we're wanting more children,
>so what is the point in throwing all her baby clothes away? If I said
>something belonged to DH she was happy to keep it, but anything she didn't
>like of mine needed to be chucked and she assumed any untidiness was due to
Well that's a mother for you. Her own child is always going to be
better than anyone elses. And I've never really felt that any of my
kids did as well as they could have in the marriage stakes - I don't
think any mother does. I wouldn't let it get to me.
>me. For example dh's college accademic books which he never looks at looked
>"rather attractive" on the bookshelves, but my collectable books (which are
>similar height and colour) really should be packed away. I'm not the most
>tidy person, but neither's DH. I usually clean thoroughly before they come,
>but they came at short notice and with all the DIY doing I didn't see the
>point in cleaning/hoovering just for paint/sawdust etc. to gather.
>When I pointed out that some things like hoovering are difficult to do often
>because either dd is asleep and I don't want to wake her, or she's awake and
Don't make excuses for yourself - that just gives her the idea that
you AREN'T a good housekeeper.
>she wants to "help", which takes twice as long and isn't as good. She told
>me that dd helped her with it and it was fine. (However I noticed it wasn't
>very well done!) I usually hoover the lounge three plus times a week as dd
>drops so many crumbs, but upstairs is harder so is probably done quickly
>only once a fortnight, and the carpets always look dirty even after they've
>just been done.
>Among other things she told me was that the sink should be scrubbed more
>often than weekly. I happen to know that her idea of cleaning the sink is
>before visitors, and then half the time she just cleans round the taps so
>they sparkle and doesn't bother about the rest.
>The worst thing she said was that my house was so dirty and "disgusting"
>that no one would want to come to see me, which I found really upsetting. Dh
>took it up with her and basically her reason for that was that I hadn't
>dusted the mantelpiece for more than 2 weeks.
That is truly beyond the pale. Possibly she is just upset that she
thinks you aren't taking good care of her son. But I don't know how
she would know how long it was since you dusted the mantlepiece unless
you told her.
> She then spent some time
>instructing me how to dust, telling me that I needed to remove everything
>and use this cloth and do it like this. (She did it for me the next day and
>dusted round everything on the mantelpiece) I spend some time every day
>doing some cleaning, and I don feel I work hard on it. It isn't a very good
>house for cleaning as most things are so old and white so they show every
>mark and look dirty even when cleaned)
Possibly what they need is a new coat of paint. It is always hard to
make old marked paint look good.
Also possibly (have you been watching Trading Spaces lately) you could
distress the surfaces instead of trying to make them look clean. That
is dirty and marked up 'on purpose'. (Probably would blow her mind.)
>What I found particularly annoying is that I find her house quite difficult
>because I can't stand spiders, and she doesn't notice them. There are quite
I don't understand why people don't like spiders. (or snakes or a lot
of other stuff that people seem to obsess about) Read Charlotte's Web
to yourself a lot before you go over there, and see if you can find
messages in the webs.
>big cobwebs on some of the ceilings and they never get removed, but worst of
>all is that she has spiders in her food cupboards. They're quite big (the
>long thin legged sort) and if she's serving food not from a sealed packet I
>find this quite difficult to eat. A bit ago I told her she had a spider in
>her fridge and all she said was "it'll be a cold spider then" and left it
>there. It was still there last time we were there, and probably still is
>there, three months later.
>They're meant to be coming back in about 6 weeks time to help us do the
>kitchen. I'm trying to work out whether I can go somewhere else without
>looking too obvious or rude as I don't want to fall out with her completely
>(just not see her for a reasonable time)
>Am I being silly and sensitive?
Silly yes about the spiders, sensitive no - I think her remarks were
out of line, and pretty tactless.
I would ask her to take your dd to her house, or I would go out in the
park or to the zoo or someplace like that and leave you dh and FIL to
it.
>
>So my poll is:
>Would you rather visit/eat at a house where the mantelpiece hadn't been
>dusted for over two weeks, or a house which had spiders in the foodcupboards
>and fridge?
>
>Debbie
>
grandma Rosalie
iphigenia
>> The worst thing she said was that my house
>> was so dirty and "disgusting" that no one would want to come to see
>> me, which I found really upsetting.
This is where I'd invite her to leave if it was so bothersome! Geez! Of
course, I may be projecting my rather negative opinion of my former MIL here
: )
>> So my poll is:
>> Would you rather visit/eat at a house where the mantelpiece hadn't
>> been dusted for over two weeks, or a house which had spiders in the
>> foodcupboards and fridge?
I don't care much about dust and clutter. I care about vermin, bugs, food,
and mold. I worry most about the kitchen and bath being clean. : ) I also
frigging HATE spiders.
I have to confess that I'm really uptight about clean kitchens. My former
inlaws' kitchen was always dirty, the sink was always full of dishes in
various stages of washing, and I could never stand to eat there. It was
really hard to suppress the urge to wipe my utensils and glass with my paper
towel (never any napkins there).
--
iphigenia
www.tristyn.net
Shawn
>>They aren't going to be interested in inanimate human food :)
>
> Then could the spider be eating other "food bugs" that can be in flour,
> rice, and food that is left open. Maybe her MIL has an infestation. I forget
> what they are called. Boll Weevils maybe? Spiders living in the cabinets
> would bother me because they are probably there for a reason.
>
> JennP.
There are several different pests of home food - and certainly that
could be a problem. I wouldn't want to eat "buggy" food either, lol.
If you're interested in food pests, there is a fact sheet available at
CSU's extension website at
http://www.ext.colostate.edu/pubs/insect/05501.html.
Spiders aren't really going to burrow through your food to find insects.
They are more of a "wait for something to come by" predator. Spiders
in a cabinet may be indicitive of insects (they have to eat something)
but they (spiders and/or insects they are eating) are likely to be
present in the home elsewhere too. We do have a fact sheet on spiders
in the home too (http://www.ext.colostate.edu/pubs/insect/05512.html).
Shawn
Lynne M.
> kitchen. I'm trying to work out whether I can go somewhere else without
> looking too obvious or rude as I don't want to fall out with her completely
> (just not see her for a reasonable time)
> Am I being silly and sensitive?
>
> So my poll is:
> Would you rather visit/eat at a house where the mantelpiece hadn't been
> dusted for over two weeks, or a house which had spiders in the foodcupboards
> and fridge?
>
> Debbie
I'd definitely rather eat in a house with a dusty mantel -- I don't
eat off them! And, btw, if she starts in you again, I'd suggest
that you just murmur something neutral or don't respond at all.
I always think of this as the nurse routine: "yes, of course,"
"I'll have to think about that," "umm-hmmm." Her comments
are completely out of line and have made you feel defensive (very
understandably). Don't let her play a head game with you; your
silence will bug the heck out of her but there's nothing she can
do about it. Your instincts are correct: don't try to reason with
unreason, and you have nothing to justify. She's trying to make
you feel like you're not taking care of her son correctly; away
with that ploy.
Lynne (and away with the spiders!)
Richard Steven Walz
Tell your DH to choose between you and MIL because it's about ready to
cause a DIVORCE! Then tell her that IF she wants you to HELP that she will
do things YOUR way, and talk about SOMETHING ELSE or else there will be
TROUBLE!
Steve
Rosalie B.
I call them millers - those moths that get into flour and bread
products.
grandma Rosalie
Rosalie B.
A friend told me that when she went to her SO's mom's house, his SIL
told her to take her own cup to drink out of because the mom didn't
wash the dishes very well and the cats were allowed to be up on the
sink.
grandma Rosalie
Sue
and throwing away, obviously. Second, I always could vacuum when the kids
took a nap. My kids can sleep through anything because I didn't stop making
noise.
Anyway, I have all kinds of spiders and webs in my house. I don't have time
to do the normal every day stuff let alone do the deep cleaning that I
should. My house isn't dirty, but I do have a few spiders. I don't have
spiders in my cupboards or refrigerator, but we do have one in the living
room that we are keeping as a science project. We have been feeding it to
watch what it does and then we are going to see when it comes out of its
web. One of the kids' chores is to dust, so that does get done once a week,
however, we are renovating our kitchen so there is a lot of dust blowing
around. I don't know where I am going with this, except a little dust
doesn't bother me and some webs and spiders don't bother me either.
--
Sue
mom to three girls
"Welches" <wel...@ntlworld.com> wrote in message
news:bJim9.651$G01.101785@newsfep2-gui...
JennP
I also agree that the kitchen needs to be clean much more than the
> mantle does.
So do I, but you know, guests can easily see the dust on your mantle, but
wouldn't normally be opening your pantry cabinets ;) My MIL has the same
cleaning philosophy herself. We don't eat there.
JennP.
AGreen1209
>dusted for over two weeks, or a house which had spiders in the foodcupboards
>and fridge?
>
>Debbie
I probably wouldn't notice or care either way, though if I have to choose, I'd
choose the dusty mantelpiece :-)
Amanda
mom to Elijah (10/9/99) and Leah (6/17/02)
LisaBell
> if she starts in you again, I'd suggest
>that you just murmur something neutral or don't respond at all.
>I always think of this as the nurse routine: "yes, of course,"
>"I'll have to think about that," "umm-hmmm." Her comments
>are completely out of line and have made you feel defensive (very
>understandably). Don't let her play a head game with you; your
>silence will bug the heck out of her but there's nothing she can
>do about it. Your instincts are correct: don't try to reason with
>unreason, and you have nothing to justify.
I absolutely agree. It's your house and you can have your mantle dusty
if it suits you and your DH. It's none of her business, so don't make
it hers by discussing it with her. You don't have to be rude, be
polite and uninterested.
One gets these kinds of comments and "suggestions" more and more when
becoming a homemaker and a parent, and not only from ILs (in my case,
from my mom). It is hard to become insensitive to them, best to work
on building ones own confidence so one doesn't always feel defensive.
And FWIW, I like spiders (not on my food) and I'm always telling DH to
put them out the window if he must, but not to squash them. We also
have lots of dust, a good measure of disorder, and are serious
packrats. We like it that way, and will happily take the kids out
while knowing that the rug needs vacuuming, or the bookshelf needs
dusting.
--LisaBell
Nancy P.
"Laurie" <mugsy...@aol.com> wrote in message
news:20021001122000...@mb-ck.aol.com...
> >> Since I live in a house which has a mantle that hasn't been dusted for
over 2
> weeks, I'm gonna have to go with that. :)
>
> The spider thing would freak me out big time!
>
> laurie
> mommy to Jessica, 18 months &
> peanut, due 4/10/03
LOL, Mine's gone longer, as its taller than my line of sight (but not taller
than everyone else's who comes over). I just haven't thought of it in a
while. Oh no! I bet its gross.
Nancy
Tai
> Am I being silly and sensitive?
No.
>
> So my poll is:
> Would you rather visit/eat at a house where the mantelpiece hadn't
> been dusted for over two weeks, or a house which had spiders in the
> foodcupboards and fridge?
I choose dust rather than livestock in the food. :)
However, I think this is really about boundary issues rather than
cleanliness standards. Your MIL is treating you with a total lack of respect
and while you should be civil to her, it's your husband's job to intervene
and request that his mother stops interfering *and* criticising you. Is she
controlling in other ways?
Tai
Nancy P.
> Would you rather visit/eat at a house where the mantelpiece hadn't been
> dusted for over two weeks, or a house which had spiders in the
foodcupboards
> and fridge?
>
>
I'm not a big fan of dust (though you wouldn't know by looking around my
houe), but spiders in the fridge would totally gross me out. So I'm on your
side. Actually, I would be on your side even if I loved spiders, because it
was out of line for your MIL to speak to you that way.
Nancy
>
Rosalie B.
>On 1 Oct 2002 12:05:59 -0700, ly...@osufpp.org (Lynne M.) wrote:
>
>> if she starts in you again, I'd suggest
>>that you just murmur something neutral or don't respond at all.
>>I always think of this as the nurse routine: "yes, of course,"
>>"I'll have to think about that," "umm-hmmm." Her comments
>>are completely out of line and have made you feel defensive (very
>>understandably). Don't let her play a head game with you; your
>>silence will bug the heck out of her but there's nothing she can
>>do about it. Your instincts are correct: don't try to reason with
>>unreason, and you have nothing to justify.
Particularly don't try to defend yourself. This lady seems to be
behaving like a bully. (did/does she do this to your FIL or your dh?)
>
>I absolutely agree. It's your house and you can have your mantle dusty
>if it suits you and your DH. It's none of her business, so don't make
>it hers by discussing it with her. You don't have to be rude, be
>polite and uninterested.
>
>One gets these kinds of comments and "suggestions" more and more when
>becoming a homemaker and a parent, and not only from ILs (in my case,
>from my mom). It is hard to become insensitive to them, best to work
>on building ones own confidence so one doesn't always feel defensive.
>
>And FWIW, I like spiders (not on my food) and I'm always telling DH to
>put them out the window if he must, but not to squash them. We also
>have lots of dust, a good measure of disorder, and are serious
>packrats. We like it that way, and will happily take the kids out
>while knowing that the rug needs vacuuming, or the bookshelf needs
>dusting.
I tell my dh the same thing about wasps (although I'm not too fond of
yellow jackets, and my main objection to his swatting them is I'm
afraid he won't kill them all the way, and I'll step on them in bare
feet.)
A mantle doesn't need dusting. Dust will not hurt the mantle -- it
doesn't care whether it is dusted or not. Needs are stuff like - I
need to feed my family, I need to wash something so I will have
something clean to wear tomorrow, I need to see why the baby is
screaming. Housework is not a need. It's something you do when you
get time, or when it becomes uncomfortable for you.
grandma Rosalie
Rosalie B.
>I don't know what DIY is, but I think it has something to do with cleaning
>and throwing away, obviously. Second, I always could vacuum when the kids
>took a nap. My kids can sleep through anything because I didn't stop making
>noise.
DIY is Do It Yourself.
>
>Anyway, I have all kinds of spiders and webs in my house. I don't have time
>to do the normal every day stuff let alone do the deep cleaning that I
>should. My house isn't dirty, but I do have a few spiders. I don't have
>spiders in my cupboards or refrigerator, but we do have one in the living
>room that we are keeping as a science project. We have been feeding it to
>watch what it does and then we are going to see when it comes out of its
>web. One of the kids' chores is to dust, so that does get done once a week,
>however, we are renovating our kitchen so there is a lot of dust blowing
>around. I don't know where I am going with this, except a little dust
>doesn't bother me and some webs and spiders don't bother me either.
Me either.
grandma Rosalie
Alison Tooth
>
> Welches wrote:
> >> The worst thing she said was that my house
> >> was so dirty and "disgusting" that no one would want to come to see
> >> me, which I found really upsetting.
>
> This is where I'd invite her to leave if it was so bothersome! Geez!
My reaction exactly.
Spiders in the cupboards and the fridge sounds pretty gross :(
--
Alison
http://www.theportico.co.uk
GI Trekker
Would you rather visit/eat at a house where the mantelpiece hadn't been
dusted for over two weeks, or a house which had spiders in the foodcupboards
and fridge?>>
Mantelpiece -- I &^@%&^% HATE spiders. Any home that has them around to the
degree that you say this one does I wouldn't set foot into.
Kavvy
> LOL, Mine's gone longer, as its taller than my line of sight (but not
> taller than everyone else's who comes over). I just haven't thought
> of it in a while. Oh no! I bet its gross.
That is funny. I don't worry to much about dust. Mostly because I'd have
an ulcer by now since my house is old and in the country so I think I could
probably dust every day and still see dust. I do try and keep the kitchen
and bathrooms clean though. Since I'm tall I can see the top of the fridge
so I wash it off regularly. I always notice other peoples fridges are just
filthy on top. I know it is because they can't see it, Lol. It doesn't
bother me though :-)
Spiders (or any bug) actually left lying in the fridge is a bit hard to wrap
my brain around.
--
Nikki
Mama to Hunter (3) and Luke (1)
Kavvy
> I call them millers - those moths that get into flour and bread
> products.
How I hate those things. Hard to get rid of too. I bought two extra bags
of dog food once and left them in the basement. Then I was complaining
about those itty bitty moth things and I was told not to store things like
that. Day late with tha tip, Lol. Anyway they were hard to get rid of and
I had to keep everything in a sealable container....still do since I have
that all set up now. Actually makes for a pretty neat cupboard.
Kavvy
I'm trying to work out whether I can go
> somewhere else without looking too obvious or rude as I don't want to
> fall out with her completely (just not see her for a reasonable time)
Oh my goodness no. I just can't believe it. I would be upset by all that
too!! I think you handled it well. I agree, just being gone as much as
possible the next time she comes would be the best solution. Perhaps you
could schedule some appoitments, or suggest that it might be easier to get
your dd out from under foot and so you'll take her to the park or where
ever. Then just ignore the inevitable comments.
>
> So my poll is:
> Would you rather visit/eat at a house where the mantelpiece hadn't
> been dusted for over two weeks, or a house which had spiders in the
> foodcupboards and fridge?
I really woudn't go there. I wouldn't try to justify your position to her
by pointing out things that you see she could do differently. It can only
make matters worse IMO.
FWIW, I don't really care what other people do with regards to cleaning
their houses. It has to be truley atrocious before I get to worked up.
P. Tierney
"Welches" <wel...@ntlworld.com> wrote:
>
> They're meant to be coming back in about 6 weeks time to help us do the
> looking too obvious or rude as I don't want to fall out with her
completely
> (just not see her for a reasonable time)
> Am I being silly and sensitive?
No. I had a former fellow-teacher who learned, when I was
staying at home, that the house better be "spotless" since I'd have
so much time, y'know, to focus on it. I rolled my eyes. And since
he's not related to me, I don't have to let him in my house. If he
comes by, though, I'll give him a tour of the dust.
> So my poll is:
> Would you rather visit/eat at a house where the mantelpiece hadn't been
> dusted for over two weeks, or a house which had spiders in the
foodcupboards
> and fridge?
Well, since I don't sit, eat, hang out on, or even notice the
mantelpiece, I'll take the latter.
But still, this makes me wonder.... are you freaking Martha
Stewart or something?!?!? There are spots in my house that
have *never* been dusted, and you get to the mantelpiece
that often? Kudos. ;-)
P. Tierney
CY
I think our parents in general forget how difficult it is to clean house
when you have a baby/young child. The way I see it, a little bit of dust
never killed anyone and in 10 years time would you rather look back at this
beautiful time and say "My house was dust free" or "I spent time with my
baby"?
My in-laws live far away (by design!) and I only have to deal with this
about twice a year but it is torture because they come and stay for two or
three weeks and nag the entire time. My husband says to just "yes" them to
keep the peace but it's so hard. They were very critical of him growing up
and I guess he is used to it, but it drives me bananas. One thing I have
heard other people say to do in this kind of situation is to say something
like "I appreciate that you are trying to help, but we have made a decision
to do xxxxx(fill in the blanks) and we are comfortable with that". However,
I am a non-confrontational person and haven't said this (although if I had
to see them more often I probably would versus blowing up at them!).
Oh, and in answer to your poll, the dust thing wins. I live in a suburb of
Phoenix and things are *always* dusty here, even 30 minutes after you have
dusted. It's not nearly as off putting as a spider. YUK!
Good luck!
Claire
hbar
The worst thing she said was that my house was so dirty and "disgusting"
> that no one would want to come to see me,
she is FAR cleaner/tidier in the house than I am. When she comes she tries
to help clean/tidy but she never criticises. My Mum is the same but then
she's used to me being messy. I'm very lucky with both my mother and MIL.
Also it is you who needs to decide what to keep not your MIL. I quite
honestly would rather not have help like that. Next time I think I would
invite her to come and visit for a shorter time and not have her involved at
all in cleaning. I think your husband needs to have a word with her about
what is acceptable behaviour and comments like hers are not.
Helen
> that no one would want to come to see me, which I found really upsetting.
> took it up with her and basically her reason for that was that I hadn't
> dusted the mantelpiece for more than 2 weeks. She then spent some time
> instructing me how to dust, telling me that I needed to remove everything
> and use this cloth and do it like this. (She did it for me the next day
and
> dusted round everything on the mantelpiece) I spend some time every day
> doing some cleaning, and I don feel I work hard on it. It isn't a very
good
> house for cleaning as most things are so old and white so they show every
> mark and look dirty even when cleaned)
> What I found particularly annoying is that I find her house quite
difficult
> because I can't stand spiders, and she doesn't notice them. There are
quite
> big cobwebs on some of the ceilings and they never get removed, but worst
of
> all is that she has spiders in her food cupboards. They're quite big (the
> long thin legged sort) and if she's serving food not from a sealed packet
I
> find this quite difficult to eat. A bit ago I told her she had a spider in
> her fridge and all she said was "it'll be a cold spider then" and left it
> there. It was still there last time we were there, and probably still is
> there, three months later.
> kitchen. I'm trying to work out whether I can go somewhere else without
> looking too obvious or rude as I don't want to fall out with her
completely
> (just not see her for a reasonable time)
> Am I being silly and sensitive?
>
> Would you rather visit/eat at a house where the mantelpiece hadn't been
> dusted for over two weeks, or a house which had spiders in the
foodcupboards
> and fridge?
>
>
>
Sue
> DIY is Do It Yourself.
Ah thank you. I couldn't work that out at all, lol.
Rosalie B.
Yes - I use the chemical attractant packages (pretty cheap) in
conjunction with getting rid of any food with moths in it and don't
worry about it too much.
The moths themselves can't eat anything (moths have no mouth parts),
so they are not dangerous and live only a couple of days. But they
mate and then lay eggs in a food source and the larva are the things
that do the eating. So if you use an attractant (which is set in the
middle of little box with sticking paper all around), the male moths
fly to it thinking that there's a receptive female there, get stuck
and fail to perform their fatherly duties.
grandma Rosalie
Rosalie B.
>Oh I know what you are going through and I so sympathize.
>
>I think our parents in general forget how difficult it is to clean house
>when you have a baby/young child. The way I see it, a little bit of dust
>never killed anyone and in 10 years time would you rather look back at this
>beautiful time and say "My house was dust free" or "I spent time with my
>baby"?
THis reminds me of a line that Peg Bracken wrote - probably in the "I
Hate to Housekeep" book (which I recommend along with the "I Hate to
Cook Book" and the "I Hate to Cook Book Appendix" for easy recipes
although they are probably out of print now). She said something to
the effect that no one ever says they just love Mrs B because she has
such an immaculate house, and at the worst a poor housekeeper can
serve as a bad example and allow people to feel superior.
>
>My in-laws live far away (by design!) and I only have to deal with this
>about twice a year but it is torture because they come and stay for two or
>three weeks and nag the entire time. My husband says to just "yes" them to
>keep the peace but it's so hard. They were very critical of him growing up
>and I guess he is used to it, but it drives me bananas. One thing I have
If they've been doing it for years, it probably won't change soon.
However, I personally would want my dh to keep his mom from
criticizing me. It may take years though, of his saying stuff like
"It makes me unhappy when you criticize me, but I love you anyway.
But it makes me angry when you criticize my dw and upset her, and if
you keep doing that I will have to limit how often you visit."
That's what I've had to do with my mom, although she basically likes
my dh.
>heard other people say to do in this kind of situation is to say something
>like "I appreciate that you are trying to help, but we have made a decision
>to do xxxxx(fill in the blanks) and we are comfortable with that". However,
>I am a non-confrontational person and haven't said this (although if I had
>to see them more often I probably would versus blowing up at them!).
>
>Oh, and in answer to your poll, the dust thing wins. I live in a suburb of
>Phoenix and things are *always* dusty here, even 30 minutes after you have
>dusted. It's not nearly as off putting as a spider. YUK!
I really can't understand why people are so disgusted by spiders.
Spiders are GOOD things.
grandma Rosalie
Nan
> No. I had a former fellow-teacher who learned, when I was
> staying at home, that the house better be "spotless" since I'd have
> so much time, y'know, to focus on it. I rolled my eyes.
P. Tierney
Ah, that tired old line sahp's always seem to hear from those that haven't
btdt.
Yeah, it isn't as if we have anything else to do.... we're not really
"working", after all!!
;-D
~Nan~
Chookie
"Welches" <wel...@ntlworld.com> wrote:
> This weekend my in-laws came to help us "move" into our newly bought home.
[...]
> Usually I get on fine with my MIL, but she seemed to spend the entire visit
> picking at me. [...]
> The worst thing she said was that my house was so dirty and "disgusting"
> that no one would want to come to see me, which I found really upsetting.
[...]
> What I found particularly annoying is that I find her house quite difficult
> because I can't stand spiders, and she doesn't notice them. There are quite
> big cobwebs on some of the ceilings and they never get removed, but worst of
> all is that she has spiders in her food cupboards.
Lemme see. She thinks *you're* a bad housekeeper because you have a dusty
mantelpiece, yet she has cobwebs hanging from her ceilings? Surely all you
can do is laugh?
I'm glad my MIL is not like this; she tends towards self-flagellation for
deficiencies in her own housekeeping. Oddly enough, it's just as difficult to
deal with that as it is to deal with picking!
--
Chookie -- Sydney, Australia
(Replace "foulspambegone" with "optushome" to reply)
I don't regard myself as a fanatic. I just have handy milk dispensers.
-- Lee, misc.kids
Welches
Kavvy <sefa...@dtgnet.com> wrote in message
news:Fcum9.1180$S05.1...@newsfeed.slurp.net...
> Nancy P. wrote:
>
> > LOL, Mine's gone longer, as its taller than my line of sight (but not
> > taller than everyone else's who comes over). I just haven't thought
> > of it in a while. Oh no! I bet its gross.
>
> That is funny. I don't worry to much about dust. Mostly because I'd have
> an ulcer by now since my house is old and in the country so I think I
could
> probably dust every day and still see dust. I do try and keep the kitchen
> and bathrooms clean though. Since I'm tall I can see the top of the
fridge
> so I wash it off regularly. I always notice other peoples fridges are
just
> filthy on top. I know it is because they can't see it, Lol. It doesn't
> bother me though :-)
>
surfaces which are now over 20 years old. They are not quite as white now,
and any small mark shows-and so do some permanent marks. So it always looks
dirty even when just cleaned. I hate them. We only have a tiny freezer which
is on top of the fridge so that is a place I clean because it does get
dirty.
> Spiders (or any bug) actually left lying in the fridge is a bit hard to
wrap
> my brain around.
>
It wasn't lying-it was spinning a quite considerable web.
Debbie
Welches
> behaving like a bully. (did/does she do this to your FIL or your dh?)
> >
it to me, and I didn't quite know what to say. She did offer to make me a
timetable of how often to clean everything and I said that I could burn it
theriputically afterwards, and she didn't write one, but mostly I just kept
quiet. Dh thinks my FIL was going to "have words" with her one home as he
said to Dh that she was going too far.
> I tell my dh the same thing about wasps (although I'm not too fond of
> yellow jackets, and my main objection to his swatting them is I'm
> afraid he won't kill them all the way, and I'll step on them in bare
> feet.)
>
killing them. What's a yellow jacket?
> A mantle doesn't need dusting. Dust will not hurt the mantle -- it
> doesn't care whether it is dusted or not. Needs are stuff like - I
> need to feed my family, I need to wash something so I will have
> something clean to wear tomorrow, I need to see why the baby is
> screaming. Housework is not a need. It's something you do when you
> get time, or when it becomes uncomfortable for you.
>
what it's like to have a baby around. Of course if I said that to her she'd
say that when my DH was that age, she had a 5 month old as well, and she has
told me she "trained " dh to help. (I think he's forgotten some of it now)
Debbie
Shawn
> Spiders are GOOD things.
>
> grandma Rosalie
Exactly! I was just asking DH the other day how we could encourage some
of those monkey face spiders to come and build their webs inside to take
care of the flies, lol.
(Monkey face or cat face spiders are the really big orb weavers that
come out here in the fall. Their abdomen kind of looks like it has a
face on it, hence the name. They build their webs each evening - they
are the beautiful, symetrical ones you see in pictures.)
On another note, I'll remind everyone (not directed at grandma Rosalie)
again that if you have concerns about food pests, spiders, wasps, etc, I
really encourage you to go to
http://www.ext.colostate.edu/pubs/insect/pubins.html and look at the
online publications.
Shawn
P. Tierney
"Nan" <cherry...@usa.net> wrote in message
news:anercj$dems9$1...@ID-88901.news.dfncis.de...
At the very least, I can say that my house was just as clean as
it was before we had a child. Take it for what it's worth. ;-)
Y'know, I could find something to clean *now*, but.....
P. Tierney
Nan
> "Nan" <cherry...@usa.net> wrote in message
> news:anercj$dems9$1...@ID-88901.news.dfncis.de...
>> P. Tierney wrote:
>>> No. I had a former fellow-teacher who learned, when I was
>>> staying at home, that the house better be "spotless" since I'd have
>>> so much time, y'know, to focus on it. I rolled my eyes.
>>
>> P. Tierney
>>
>> Ah, that tired old line sahp's always seem to hear from those that
>> haven't btdt.
>> Yeah, it isn't as if we have anything else to do.... we're not really
>> "working", after all!!
>
> At the very least, I can say that my house was just as clean as
> it was before we had a child. Take it for what it's worth. ;-)
Not mine... I just learned to be less anal about it ;-)
> Y'know, I could find something to clean *now*, but.....
I'm done for the day. 3 loads of laundry and the dishes is enough for me
today :-)
Nan
Bev Brandt
> things that Rachel has grown out of. She knows we're wanting more children,
> so what is the point in throwing all her baby clothes away?
My reaction would be: "Um-hm...well, I'll need them if I have another
girl."
> For example dh's college accademic books which he never looks at looked
> "rather attractive" on the bookshelves, but my collectable books (which are
> similar height and colour) really should be packed away.
Me: "No, I read those regularly."
> When I pointed out that some things...
Me:...silence...I never justify or point out what I do or don't do.
> Among other things she told me was that the sink should be scrubbed more
> often than weekly.
Me: "Um-hm..."
> The worst thing she said was that my house was so dirty and "disgusting"
> that no one would want to come to see me, which I found really upsetting.
Me: (that was also said to me when we moved into an older house) "Oh,
that's too bad..."
> Am I being silly and sensitive?
Not silly, but sensitive. And I feel your pain, but I've learned after
nearly 19 years to ignore or just answer with a emotion-free
"um-hm..." My problem is mostly my own mother, with my MIL only
getting a few odd jabs in here and there.
For the first 5 years of marriage - give or take - I let it get to me.
And when I had my first child I had to deal with a little "advice."
But now if anything is said, I let it run off my back with a
"um-hm..." Every once in a while my mom comes up with a doozie still,
but I get over it quickly and I don't get into any arguments with her,
it's just to tiring.
Also, during those first years of marriage, I expected my husband to
rush to my defense whenever these things happened with my MIL. Well,
sometimes he simply wasn't there, so he couldn't. Plus, he'd been
raised by her and lived with her jabs for more than 20 years himself.
He'd already learned to tune them out, so many times he didn't "hear"
the jab and said nothing.
When he and I talked about it, it turns out that the same sort of
thing was happening to him with my mom.
So we stopped expecting each other to help as much and just came up
with our own ways of handling these little comments. I'm argumentative
and if I jab back at my MIL for example, I come off looking like the
bad guy. So she's where I learned to just say "um-hm..." and move on.
There's not really much she can come back with if I just give her a
noncommittal answer that's not much more than a grunt. Unless your MIL
has the baby clothes in hand and is putting them in the trash, saying
"um-hm..." about tossing them out is meaningless. (Though I've had my
mom with something in her hand and about ready to something I didn't
want her to do. That calls for "No mom, I want to keep those." But no
more.)
It helps to say the "um-hm..." and look over their shoulder around the
room or suddenly see something that needs to be done or start a
completely different conversation. It avoids an argument over how
clean one's sink is or (really happened to me) how one folds one's
towels.
One important thing to remember, it's *your* stuff, *your* house. You
can run your household as you see fit. Be grateful for her help, tell
her that you're grateful and maybe take them out to eat as a
thank-you. But don't buy into any control issues she may have and
don't bite on any bait that is a veiled threat not to visit if your
mantel isn't dusted.
Bev - BTDT, got a cleaning crew
Penny Gaines
[snip]
> Yep, I was gonna say that the spider per se doesn't bother me. It's
> more that the spider is finding food (insects) in her cupboards that
> grosses me
> out. I also agree that the kitchen needs to be clean much more than
> the mantle does.
If the spiders were in the rest of the house, would that bother you?
Or if the spiders were on the ceilings in the kitchen?
--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three
abb...@zipideedoo.com
AM:
> This weekend my in-laws came to help us "move" into our newly bought home.
> Usually I get on fine with my MIL, but she seemed to spend the entire visit
> picking at me. She kept telling me I should throw things out, particularly
> things that Rachel has grown out of. She knows we're wanting more children,
> so what is the point in throwing all her baby clothes away? If I said
> something belonged to DH she was happy to keep it, but anything she didn't
> like of mine needed to be chucked and she assumed any untidiness was due to
> me.
When my MIL helped us move into our new home last year, she made comments
about and even laughed at some of my things, like a heart-shaped loaf pan
from Pampered Chef. I also have heart-shaped cake pans --- she asked, "oh,
do you EVER bake? I've never seen you bake anything." She was shocked at
how many placemats we have, "how could you possibly need so many placemats?"
We aren't very close, mostly because of her over-generosity with advice and
criticism, but I have learned to deal with this sort of stuff with a shrug
and "uh-huh" or a disinterested, "huh?" and quickly change the subject.
I'm sorry your MIL was so insensitive to you on such a stressful day. You
said that you usually get on fine with her, so bear that in mind. Perhaps
she wasn't feeling particularly well that day?
After 18 years of marriage, I have learned that my MIL is a twit and there's
nothing I can do to change that. So, I changed me and the way I reacted to
her. It's helped a lot.
The up-side of this change in me is that it has helped me deal with my mom's
occasional criticisms....which are rare, unexpected and always brutal. I
used to let her zingers cut straight to my heart. For instance, when
expecting visitors I clean the house from top to bottom and put out candles,
and tablecloths......but my mom will find some insignificant dust on the
ceiling fan blades and take much relish in pointing it out to me. I now
either laugh it off, "wow,guess I missed a spot, huh?" and change the
subject.
My MIL was over recently and my DH took her down in the basement to show off
some shelves he'd built. My MIL, instead of complimenting him on the
shelves, went on and on about how much STUFF we have......"how can you
possibly need this much stuff?" I was upstairs rolling my eyes, thinking
"same old lady, same old comments". This time my DH stood up to her,
reminding her that she has not packed up everything and moved in over 45
years.....we've moved 9 times in 18 years......it's not so easy finding a
NEW best place to put everything every couple of years.
> The worst thing she said was that my house was so dirty and "disgusting"
> that no one would want to come to see me, which I found really upsetting.
> She then spent some time instructing me how to dust
> They're meant to be coming back in about 6 weeks time to help us do the
> kitchen. I'm trying to work out whether I can go somewhere else without
> looking too obvious or rude as I don't want to fall out with her completely
> (just not see her for a reasonable time)
> Am I being silly and sensitive?
>
> So my poll is:
> Would you rather visit/eat at a house where the mantelpiece hadn't been
> dusted for over two weeks, or a house which had spiders in the foodcupboards
> and fridge?
>
> Debbie
>
>
Rather than focus on what makes a house repulsive, I think you need to
learn how to deal with rudeness and insensitivity on the part of others,
either indirectly/passively by shrugging off criticism (or avoiding your
MIL) or by being direct/assertive and telling her to knock it off.
Personally, I'm more comfortable with the passive approach.
I don't think you are being silly at all. You are being sensitive, but
rightly so. She came into your home and made you feel like a little girl, a
very stupid little girl who doesn't know what to keep and what to save, how
to dust or clean the house, etc. That stinks.
Barb
Chookie
Alison Tooth <ali...@theportico.co.uk> wrote:
> Spiders in the cupboards and the fridge sounds pretty gross :(
There are some old superstitions about spiders -- it's bad luck to kill them,
and if you have them living in the house it brings money in. Some people
won't remove spiders from their houses as a result -- perhaps the OP's MIL is
one of them.
Chookie
"Welches" <wel...@ntlworld.com> wrote:
> What's a yellow jacket?
Tsk, tsk. Who hasn't read Little House in the Big Woods?
Of course, we don't have them here, but my understanding from LHITBW is that
they are a type of wasp that lives in a colony underground. If you annoy
them, the whole colony comes out to sting you.
LongCoolWoman
news:ehrebeniuk-F739D...@news-vip.optusnet.com.au...
> There are some old superstitions about spiders -- it's bad luck to
kill them,
> and if you have them living in the house it brings money in.
HA! In that case I should be a multi-millionaire-ess. When I lived
in New Jersey I had *hundreds* of spiders. Hundreds. As long as
they left me alone and didn't exceed my size limits, they could
stay. I'm still perpetually broke. >:(
(Also, I was not aware that Nebraska had tarantulas. Until I found
one the size of my palm behind my toilet. Mr. Tarantula was
promptly caught and evicted.)
Mara
Bev Brandt
Oh. My. Gosh.
Barb's MIL said:
> "oh,
> do you EVER bake? I've never seen you bake anything." She was shocked at
> how many placemats we have, "how could you possibly need so many placemats?"
And Barb said:
> We aren't very close, mostly because of her over-generosity with advice and
> criticism, but I have learned to deal with this sort of stuff with a shrug
> and "uh-huh" or a disinterested, "huh?" and quickly change the subject.
Plus:
> After 18 years of marriage, I have learned that my MIL is a twit and there's
> nothing I can do to change that. So, I changed me and the way I reacted to
> her. It's helped a lot.
Barb, are we the same person? LOL! I've been married 19 years in
November and have perfected the famous "Shrug and Uh-huh"(tm) move
over that time frame. Plus my MIL is convinced that I don't know how
to cook...even though I consider it one of my hobbies and I'm pretty
darn good at it. It's because I don't make the same things *she* does.
> My MIL was over recently and my DH took her down in the basement to show off
> some shelves he'd built. My MIL, instead of complimenting him on the
> shelves, went on and on about how much STUFF we have......"how can you
> possibly need this much stuff?"
Ah...here's proof that we're not the same person. In *my* MIL's case
it's "why don't you keep absolutely every yogurt and cottage cheese
container you've ever purchased and absolutely every plastic bag and
twist tie that comes with every loaf of bread??? You know, like *I*
do. It saves money."
But I digress...
> Rather than focus on what makes a house repulsive, I think you need to
> learn how to deal with rudeness and insensitivity on the part of others,
> either indirectly/passively by shrugging off criticism (or avoiding your
> MIL) or by being direct/assertive and telling her to knock it off.
>
> Personally, I'm more comfortable with the passive approach.
The more aggressive approach is - as I said - tiring. I am a more
aggressive person. I'll argue with my mom and MIL 'til the cows come
home and go away from any family gathering stressed and angry. It's
just not worth it.
To the OP, practice our patented system: "The Shrug and Uh-Huh"(tm)
You'll love it!
Bev - Plus, our great product is absolutely free!
Welches
Chookie <ehreb...@foulspambegone.com.au> wrote in message
news:ehrebeniuk-F739D...@news-vip.optusnet.com.au...
> Alison Tooth <ali...@theportico.co.uk> wrote:
>
> > Spiders in the cupboards and the fridge sounds pretty gross :(
>
> There are some old superstitions about spiders -- it's bad luck to kill
them,
> and if you have them living in the house it brings money in. Some people
> won't remove spiders from their houses as a result -- perhaps the OP's MIL
is
> one of them.
>
Debbie
Welches
> In article <nBDm9.667$kU4.78301@newsfep2-gui>,
> "Welches" <wel...@ntlworld.com> wrote:
>
> > What's a yellow jacket?
>
> Tsk, tsk. Who hasn't read Little House in the Big Woods?
>
> Of course, we don't have them here, but my understanding from LHITBW is
that
> they are a type of wasp that lives in a colony underground. If you annoy
> them, the whole colony comes out to sting you.
>
then gets stung, so they ignore him. And ma covers him in mud to make it
better?
Debbie
silvasurfa
> do some DIY. DH and FIL went up into the loft and insulated and boarded
it.
> Me and MIL had the job of clearing stuff into boxes and looking after DD.
visit
> picking at me.
Does she do little lectures disguised as small talk? My MIL does those...
She kept telling me I should throw things out, particularly
> things that Rachel has grown out of. She knows we're wanting more
children,
> so what is the point in throwing all her baby clothes away? If I said
> something belonged to DH she was happy to keep it, but anything she didn't
> like of mine needed to be chucked and she assumed any untidiness was due
to
> me.
Oh yeah. BTDT. And worse, she keeps pressuring DH to take bulky items from
her decluttering... only turns out we aren't allowed to dispose of said
items or return them to her. We've become a U-store facility. meanwhile we
are supposed to declutter, and I'm the one expected to chuck out my stuff.
For example dh's college accademic books which he never looks at looked
> "rather attractive" on the bookshelves, but my collectable books (which
are
> similar height and colour) really should be packed away. I'm not the most
> tidy person, but neither's DH. I usually clean thoroughly before they
come,
> but they came at short notice and with all the DIY doing I didn't see the
> point in cleaning/hoovering just for paint/sawdust etc. to gather.
> When I pointed out that some things like hoovering are difficult to do
often
> because either dd is asleep and I don't want to wake her, or she's awake
and
> she wants to "help", which takes twice as long and isn't as good.
Don't ever explain. It's like admitting liability. Just don't. Something
is dirty and she points it out? Look as though you have only just noticed
and say "Well so it is!"
She told
> me that dd helped her with it and it was fine. (However I noticed it
wasn't
> very well done!) I usually hoover the lounge three plus times a week as dd
> drops so many crumbs, but upstairs is harder so is probably done quickly
> only once a fortnight, and the carpets always look dirty even after
they've
> just been done.
> Among other things she told me was that the sink should be scrubbed more
> often than weekly.
How does she know you do it weekly? DON'T TELL!
I happen to know that her idea of cleaning the sink is
> before visitors, and then half the time she just cleans round the taps so
> they sparkle and doesn't bother about the rest.
> The worst thing she said was that my house was so dirty and "disgusting"
> that no one would want to come to see me, which I found really upsetting.
This is when you should explode. I think refusing to be in the same room as
her would work well.
Dh
> took it up with her and basically her reason for that was that I hadn't
> dusted the mantelpiece for more than 2 weeks. She then spent some time
> instructing me how to dust, telling me that I needed to remove everything
> and use this cloth and do it like this.
If you'd exploded when told your house was disgusting, then shunned her, you
would not have had to put up with this.
(She did it for me the next day and
> dusted round everything on the mantelpiece) I spend some time every day
> doing some cleaning, and I don feel I work hard on it. It isn't a very
good
> house for cleaning as most things are so old and white so they show every
> mark and look dirty even when cleaned)
> What I found particularly annoying is that I find her house quite
difficult
> because I can't stand spiders, and she doesn't notice them. There are
quite
> big cobwebs on some of the ceilings and they never get removed, but worst
of
> all is that she has spiders in her food cupboards. They're quite big (the
> long thin legged sort) and if she's serving food not from a sealed packet
I
> find this quite difficult to eat. A bit ago I told her she had a spider in
> her fridge and all she said was "it'll be a cold spider then" and left it
> there. It was still there last time we were there, and probably still is
> there, three months later.
> They're meant to be coming back in about 6 weeks time to help us do the
> kitchen. I'm trying to work out whether I can go somewhere else without
> looking too obvious or rude as I don't want to fall out with her
completely
> (just not see her for a reasonable time)
> Am I being silly and sensitive?
You are being far too sensitive. Get insensitive to her desires. Shun her
subtly but noticeably. When you must deal with her, be terse. if she hunts
you down and pushes the matter, tell her that you refuse to discuss
housework for fear of what you might say if you get angry.
>
> So my poll is:
> Would you rather visit/eat at a house where the mantelpiece hadn't been
> dusted for over two weeks, or a house which had spiders in the
foodcupboards
> and fridge?
>
> Debbie
>
>
I'd rather visit a house where the hostess is not feeling tormented.
Rosalie B.
>In article <nBDm9.667$kU4.78301@newsfep2-gui>,
> "Welches" <wel...@ntlworld.com> wrote:
>
>> What's a yellow jacket?
>
>Tsk, tsk. Who hasn't read Little House in the Big Woods?
>
>Of course, we don't have them here, but my understanding from LHITBW is that
>they are a type of wasp that lives in a colony underground. If you annoy
>them, the whole colony comes out to sting you.
Sorry - I didn't realize that yellow jackets were not universal
(although I guess I should have done).
I'm sure our resident entomologist can explain, but they are in the
Hymenoptera order that also has ants, bees, sawflies and wasps in it.
Bees usually don't eat meat, and concentrate on flowers. Except for
the big carpenter bees which build nests in wood and may be hazardous
to your wood siding, most bees are good insects, as without them we
wouldn't have pollination of flowers like apple blossoms. Most of the
time bees won't sting unless you step on them or try to get into the
hive.
Hornets build those big nests on your eaves, and are more aggressive
with a nasty temper. They eat meat.
Parasitic wasps usually take other insects or spiders and paralyze
them and lay their eggs on them, so wasps are good to have around too.
They are also pretty solitary and don't usually sting people. Some
of these are called mud daubers wasps. Even the more social wasps
like the paper wasp isn't as aggressive as the hornets and yellow
jackets.
Yellow jackets are a kind of wasp that make their nests out of wood
fibers and saliva. Underground nests are often camouflaged by leaves,
dirt and other natural matter in flat circular pattern. They too have
a very nasty attitude and are extremely aggressive. Yellow jackets
like hamburger as much as sweets.
Yellow jackets seem to become more prevalent later in the season. For
one thing they switch from protein to sweets. They also start getting
ill at each other. The adults scavenge for food around picnics, trash
cans, and humming bird feeders. They are often found at picnic sites,
their favorite item is the soda pop cans filled with sweet liquid.
Children are often stung on the mouth when they pick up a pop can for
a drink and don't look at it first.
Another favorite area for yellow jackets is near fruit trees, they
especially love pears. Unlike honeybees, hornet, wasp and yellow
jacket nests die out each year. Early spring is the best time
to get these insects with the nasty attitude under control.
It takes about 1500 stings to kill and adult man, and there are some
deaths from yellow jacket stings each year.
grandma Rosalie
Barbara
The similarities are funny. And the main reason we have so much "stuff"
in our basement is because my DH grew up watching his dad threw out
everything that wasn't either in a cabinet/drawer/closet or nailed down.
Consequently, my poor DH is doggedly determined not to have re-buy
items that had been capriciously tossed in the trash. I have fantasies
of a huge truck pulling in the drive and bit by bit removing every last
thing from the basement, useless or useful, I don't care, just get rid
of it so we can start with a clean slate.
>
>> Rather than focus on what makes a house repulsive, I think you need to
>>learn how to deal with rudeness and insensitivity on the part of others,
>>either indirectly/passively by shrugging off criticism (or avoiding your
>>MIL) or by being direct/assertive and telling her to knock it off.
>>
>>Personally, I'm more comfortable with the passive approach.
>
>
> The more aggressive approach is - as I said - tiring. I am a more
> aggressive person. I'll argue with my mom and MIL 'til the cows come
> home and go away from any family gathering stressed and angry. It's
> just not worth it.
>
> To the OP, practice our patented system: "The Shrug and Uh-Huh"(tm)
> You'll love it!
>
> Bev - Plus, our great product is absolutely free!
Ditto what Bev says. I used to argue with my mom and our feelings would
be hurt for the rest of the visit. Nothing changed. My MIL and mother
started watching "Everybody Loves Raymond" over the last year or so.
They never see or speak to each other, not by design, just happens to be
that way. Rays mother is a great example of a loving mother who manages
to insult her DIL at almost every turn. Since they've been watching,
they've both become kinder, gentler, moms/MILs.
Barb
Shawn
> (although I guess I should have done).
>
> I'm sure our resident entomologist can explain, but they are in the
> Hymenoptera order that also has ants, bees, sawflies and wasps in it.
You did a fine job explaining - you've explained other "bug" things
quite well in the past too. If anyone is interested in additional
reading, our fact sheet on bees/wasps is available at
http://www.ext.colostate.edu/pubs/insect/05525.html.
Shawn
Rosalie B.
>Bev Brandt wrote:
>> <abb...@zipideedoo.com> wrote in message news:<B9C14C2F.55E%abb...@zipideedoo.com>...
>> Oh. My. Gosh.
>>
<snip>
>> And Barb said:
>>
>>>After 18 years of marriage, I have learned that my MIL is a twit and there's
>>>nothing I can do to change that. So, I changed me and the way I reacted to
>>>her. It's helped a lot.
>>
>>
>> Barb, are we the same person? LOL! I've been married 19 years in
>> November and have perfected the famous "Shrug and Uh-huh"(tm) move
>> over that time frame. Plus my MIL is convinced that I don't know how
>> to cook...even though I consider it one of my hobbies and I'm pretty
>> darn good at it. It's because I don't make the same things *she* does.
>>
Sometimes other family members can help this and sometimes not. My
grandson took his SO over to my mom's for dinner near one of the
holidays, and turned to her and said, "Nobody makes corn pudding like
my great grandma."
My mom was very flattered. (BTW, when she gave me and my sister the
recipe for this dish (which is REALLY EASY to make), she gave me
excess milk in my copy and too little in my sister's copy. I totally
don't think it was done on purpose, because she's not that way. But
we didn't find out about it until all 3 of us (me, my mom and my
sister) all gave the recipe to my #1dd and she compared them.
[The recipe has a can of creamed corn, some eggs and milk, a little
salt, pepper and butter, and is baked in a hot oven for about an hour
- no real cooking involved.]
>>>My MIL was over recently and my DH took her down in the basement to show off
>>>some shelves he'd built. My MIL, instead of complimenting him on the
>>>shelves, went on and on about how much STUFF we have......"how can you
>>>possibly need this much stuff?"
>>
>> Ah...here's proof that we're not the same person. In *my* MIL's case
>> it's "why don't you keep absolutely every yogurt and cottage cheese
>> container you've ever purchased and absolutely every plastic bag and
>> twist tie that comes with every loaf of bread??? You know, like *I*
>> do. It saves money."
LOL - I do some of that too, although dh will throw out the plastic
containers and doesn't let me keep them. My mom used to go down to my
great aunt's house once or twice a year and throw out all the empty
glass bottles that she'd accumulated.
My mom's 1st cousin said that all of them had inherited the 'pack-rat
gene'. She said after she retired and had all her junk in the house
instead of distributed between the house and the office that she
really noticed it more.
My dh complains that if I start to clean in the same room each time,
and keep moving stuff along from room to room and poop out before I
finish each time (which I do) that eventually the corner of the house
I do last will break off and sink out of sight.
He's just as bad as I am though - he just saves different stuff.
>
>The similarities are funny. And the main reason we have so much "stuff"
>in our basement is because my DH grew up watching his dad threw out
>everything that wasn't either in a cabinet/drawer/closet or nailed down.
> Consequently, my poor DH is doggedly determined not to have re-buy
>items that had been capriciously tossed in the trash. I have fantasies
>of a huge truck pulling in the drive and bit by bit removing every last
>thing from the basement, useless or useful, I don't care, just get rid
>of it so we can start with a clean slate.
That's why moving every 2 or 3 years was so great. The house got
shoveled out and we started over.
<snip>
>> To the OP, practice our patented system: "The Shrug and Uh-Huh"(tm)
>> You'll love it!
>>
>> Bev - Plus, our great product is absolutely free!
If the OP's MIL isn't usually that bad, I'd also see if something
particular wasn't bothering her -- I don't know - maybe hot flashes or
something.
>
>Ditto what Bev says. I used to argue with my mom and our feelings would
>be hurt for the rest of the visit. Nothing changed. My MIL and mother
In my case, my sister acts as peacemaker. I complain about mom's
complaints, and then she goes to bat on my behalf. [This is totally
her idea - she's one that can't stand confrontations, and neither can
my mom, whereas I kind of enjoy a good rousing argument.] This works
better than my saying something myself.
>started watching "Everybody Loves Raymond" over the last year or so.
>They never see or speak to each other, not by design, just happens to be
>that way. Rays mother is a great example of a loving mother who manages
>to insult her DIL at almost every turn. Since they've been watching,
>they've both become kinder, gentler, moms/MILs.
As I've said, I never had any problems with my MIL, and my mom doesn't
watch anything except the news, Wheel of Fortune and sometimes PBS.
Never has and probably never will.
I don't watch it much either, but I think Raymond's mother MEANS to
insult her DIL. It's not inadvertent. I think her picking on her
children and dh IS well-meant, and she really doesn't understand that
it makes them crazy, but I think she means to pick on Ray's wife.
grandma Rosalie
Banty
>
>Barbara <abb...@zipideedoo.com> wrote:
>>Bev Brandt wrote:
>>><abb...@zipideedoo.com> wrote in message
>>>news:<B9C14C2F.55E%abb...@zipideedoo.com>...
>
>>> Oh. My. Gosh.
>Sometimes other family members can help this and sometimes not. My
>grandson took his SO over to my mom's for dinner near one of the
>holidays, and turned to her and said, "Nobody makes corn pudding like
>my great grandma."
>
>My mom was very flattered. (BTW, when she gave me and my sister the
>recipe for this dish (which is REALLY EASY to make), she gave me
>excess milk in my copy and too little in my sister's copy. I totally
>don't think it was done on purpose, because she's not that way. But
>we didn't find out about it until all 3 of us (me, my mom and my
>sister) all gave the recipe to my #1dd and she compared them.
>
>[The recipe has a can of creamed corn, some eggs and milk, a little
>salt, pepper and butter, and is baked in a hot oven for about an hour
>- no real cooking involved.]
OK now Rosalie come clean HOW MUCH MILK??
(You're just like your mother...)
Cheers,
Banty ;-)
Rosalie B.
I was afraid you'd ask. I went and looked for that recipe and can't
find it. IIRC I use about a can of corn, a can of milk and about 3
eggs. Put pepper on the top, dot with butter and cook at about 400
deg F. It cooks like a custard, but is not sweet.
grandma Rosalie
Bev Brandt
> >> Ah...here's proof that we're not the same person. In *my* MIL's case
> >> it's "why don't you keep absolutely every yogurt and cottage cheese
> >> container you've ever purchased and absolutely every plastic bag and
> >> twist tie that comes with every loaf of bread??? You know, like *I*
> >> do. It saves money."
>
> LOL - I do some of that too, although dh will throw out the plastic
> containers and doesn't let me keep them.
I confess, I'm more of a pack rat now than I was about 10 years ago. I
have a bigger house now - more room for more junk - and I have a
*reason* to keep all my plastic stuff. Hobbies and home-fix up. We
soak the well-painted hardware from our house in "safe" stripper
that's been poured into a yogurt container. Or we organize nails and
screws and stuff like that in plastic containers.
But my MIL has the entire area under her basement steps *filled* with
plastic food containers of all sorts. And it's just her in the house
these days! They're not giveaways nor are they disposable. She'll give
one of us some leftovers in an old yogurt container and ask for the
darn thing *back!*
She also has about 20 lbs of butter in her freezer - I'm not
exaggerating. My SIL commented on it and my MIL said "Well, it was on
sale." Yeah...but does one person use 20lbs of butter even in a year?
Even if that person bakes a lot? And no, she's not fat.
> My mom used to go down to my
> great aunt's house once or twice a year and throw out all the empty
> glass bottles that she'd accumulated.
I keep clear or blue wine bottles ostensibly for cutting them and
making candle holders - I have a special bottle cutter doo-hickey as
part of my glass obsession. Of course, I've only gotten around to
cutting about...oh...THREE...but that doesn't stop me from hoarding
dozens of others.
I'm a glassworker by night - I hope to make it a career someday. And I
have a workshop full of glass bottles and scrap stained and "fusable"
glass (I have to keep those separated for technical reasons.) To
outsiders, I look like a crazy lady who has a basement full if little
glass pieces. To me, I'm merely a hobbiest who is thrifty with her
materials.
Reality is that I'm a little of both. ;-)
> He's just as bad as I am though - he just saves different stuff.
Ha! My husband used to work for a small motor company. They made the
kind of motors that go in blenders and juicers and other small
appliances. We had a box of little "shaded pole" motors in our
basement for years. We *moved* the darn things! You know...'cuz you
never know if you're gonna need a little motor...
We also have a box or two of old TV tubes. (Yes, tubes.) An old TV
(well, thus the tubes.) And a couple of extra radiators - not the car
kind. Oh, and scrap millwork. From our own house. Circa 1915.
So...that's not really being a pack rat, it's being an architectural
antique collector. Yeah. That's it.
Heh-heh...maybe I shouldn't talk.
> That's why moving every 2 or 3 years was so great. The house got
> shoveled out and we started over.
We've only moved from *house* to *house* once in 18 years. We lived in
apartments before then. We actually moved a box or two of scrap lumber
from our first house to our current house. That's my husband's doing.
After all, it's his mom who keeps the little plastic containers - his
genetics! (Well, we also moved some glass stuff.)
> In my case, my sister acts as peacemaker.
This has been my SIL's job, before. I can still hear her comments when
she and my MIL helped us move into our house: "Mom, it's Bev's house.
I think she can figure out which drawer to put her silverware in." I
should thank her for that, someday.
Bev - not sure if I like where my silverware is...
Rosalie B.
>Rosalie B. <gmbe...@mindspring.com> wrote in message news:<c59ppu4ikdlkokv3g...@4ax.com>...
>
>have a bigger house now - more room for more junk - and I have a
>*reason* to keep all my plastic stuff. Hobbies and home-fix up. We
>soak the well-painted hardware from our house in "safe" stripper
>that's been poured into a yogurt container. Or we organize nails and
>screws and stuff like that in plastic containers.
We used to use the glass baby food jars, and nail the tops to a board
which was hung so we (actually my dh) could unscrew the jar and access
the contents without rooting through the mess.
Also dh has peg board for tools with the tool outlined on it in the
garage. - so I can see where the spade should be hung etc.
>
>But my MIL has the entire area under her basement steps *filled* with
>plastic food containers of all sorts. And it's just her in the house
>these days! They're not giveaways nor are they disposable. She'll give
>one of us some leftovers in an old yogurt container and ask for the
>darn thing *back!*
If you know you are going to get leftovers from her, I'd take my own
container to put them in. Thus avoiding that problem.
<snip about butter> - maybe it's a holdover from rationing during the
war (although I doubt she's that old.
>> My mom used to go down to my
>> great aunt's house once or twice a year and throw out all the empty
>> glass bottles that she'd accumulated.
>
>I keep clear or blue wine bottles ostensibly for cutting them and
>making candle holders - I have a special bottle cutter doo-hickey as
>part of my glass obsession. Of course, I've only gotten around to
>cutting about...oh...THREE...but that doesn't stop me from hoarding
>dozens of others.
These were just stuff like pickle jars or cider jugs.
>
>I'm a glassworker by night - I hope to make it a career someday. And I
>have a workshop full of glass bottles and scrap stained and "fusable"
>glass (I have to keep those separated for technical reasons.) To
>outsiders, I look like a crazy lady who has a basement full if little
>glass pieces. To me, I'm merely a hobbiest who is thrifty with her
>materials.
>
>Reality is that I'm a little of both. ;-)
Sounds cool to me. I took a stained glass class once (and also a cake
decorating class so I also know how to make those frosting roses).
What I have is needlepoint projects and yarn because I do my own
designs. And also painting supplies and pictures in mind to paint.
And also I used to buy remnants of fabric with the idea that I would
make clothes out of them, but the fabrics have gotten so much better
now (WRT ironing especially), and clothes have gotten so cheap that
it's hardly worth it to make clothing anymore. Plus dh has taken over
the sewing machine to make upholstery for the boat etc. But I still
have a whole closet full of the remnants.
I've tried to get rid of old clothing that the kids no longer want,
but I still have some stuff that I've made which I think is worth
keeping even if I'll never wear it again. Like smocked dresses that I
made for the little girls (and even some my mom made). And stuff that
was bought overseas. Most of it though, I've given to theatre groups
to use for costumes. DH is gradually going through his work clothes
and wearing the ones that are too small to paint in, and then throwing
them out.
I still also have some toys and baby stuff - the toys for when the
grandchildren visit. I think I have a baby bath seat too, that one of
the children sent to another one who didn't want it, and it ended up
here.
And I've just thrown all the horse stuff in the direction of the pony
club for them to use or auction or throw out. I did miss a couple of
things which are still here.
I also have drawers and drawers full of photographs, and boxes of
slides and a complete set of equipment for developing and printing my
own pictures. I thought I might get rid of that when my grandson took
photography, but it turned out that he couldn't take that class
because it was full.
>> He's just as bad as I am though - he just saves different stuff.
>
>Ha! My husband used to work for a small motor company. They made the
>kind of motors that go in blenders and juicers and other small
>appliances. We had a box of little "shaded pole" motors in our
>basement for years. We *moved* the darn things! You know...'cuz you
>never know if you're gonna need a little motor...
>
>We also have a box or two of old TV tubes. (Yes, tubes.) An old TV
>(well, thus the tubes.) And a couple of extra radiators - not the car
>kind. Oh, and scrap millwork. From our own house. Circa 1915.
>So...that's not really being a pack rat, it's being an architectural
>antique collector. Yeah. That's it.
>
>Heh-heh...maybe I shouldn't talk.
Well to give you an idea - we have 20 cars. Some of them are antique.
Ranging from two 1932 Plymouths, on up to our newest car which is a
1985 Mercedes 300D. I think there are only about 7 or 8 that are
currently licensed and titled. So we have to have parts and tools for
those cars, right. One of those cars is a pick-up truck that my dd#3
lent to her FIL who wrecked it, and when dh and ds tried to refurbish
it, something went wrong with the engine. So dh's idea is to take the
engine out of the Cougar that someone T-boned me in the driver's door
and put it in the PU. And then he wants to make an electric wheel car
out of the Cougar. He also has an electric car (converted Ford
Escort), and another Escort body to make an electric car of sometime.
I think we still have 2 motorcycles. We have a horse trailer, but no
horses now.
We have a little skiff and boat trailer. And of course the big boat,
with two dinghies and two dinghy motors. Plus all of the stuff that
goes with the boat which we take off when we haul it (i.e. take it out
of the water to paint the bottom as it is NOT a trailerable boat).
But one of the things that we have the MOST of is computers. Old
computers going all the way back to CPM, software, hardware from old
computers that we don't have anymore, books on how to do stuff with
computers, etc. (I think I've thrown out all the old computer
magazines).
>
>> That's why moving every 2 or 3 years was so great. The house got
>> shoveled out and we started over.
>
>We've only moved from *house* to *house* once in 18 years. We lived in
>apartments before then. We actually moved a box or two of scrap lumber
>from our first house to our current house. That's my husband's doing.
>After all, it's his mom who keeps the little plastic containers - his
>genetics! (Well, we also moved some glass stuff.)
My dh was in the Navy for 20 years. The last time we moved it took 2
moving vans, but that was primarily because the moving company's vans
weren't in such great shape, so instead of one big one, we had to use
two little ones. A lot of this stuff was books.
I took almost all the text books and donated them to schools in the
virgin islands and Belize. It took a lot of postage, even at the book
rate, but I think it was worthwhile. And I took most of my
professional books and magazines and donated them to the library at
work. We've still got an AWFUL lot of books. I think I counted at
one point 16 bookcases in the main house, and a couple more in the
summer kitchen (some of them floor to ceiling and 5 or 6 feet wide),
and there aren't enough for all the books.
One of the problems also, is that at one point, we were living in a
little house up in the city during the week, and the big house down in
the country for the weekend. So we had stuff at each house. Then we
sold the little house. So basically I've got double stuff of
everything I couldn't give away.
>> In my case, my sister acts as peacemaker.
>
>This has been my SIL's job, before. I can still hear her comments when
>she and my MIL helped us move into our house: "Mom, it's Bev's house.
>I think she can figure out which drawer to put her silverware in." I
>should thank her for that, someday.
Yes do.
Anyone who is not directly involved is a much better person to talk to
the participants - like a mediator.
grandma Rosalie
S/V RosalieAnn, Leonardtown, MD
CSY 44 WO #156
http://home.mindspring.com/~gmbeasley/_wsn/page2.html
JennP
"Bev Brandt" <bbran...@hotmail.com> wrote in message > But my MIL has the
entire area under her basement steps *filled* with
> plastic food containers of all sorts. And it's just her in the house
> these days! They're not giveaways nor are they disposable. She'll give
> one of us some leftovers in an old yogurt container and ask for the
> darn thing *back!*
OMG. I have MIL pack-rat stories that could......no, make that WOULD give
you nightmares. At the lake house dh and I once counted the # of aluminum
Sara Lee pie tins (first of all, SL pie, BLECH) and there were 30!!!! 30
friggin' pie tins that should have been thrown away in the first place. Dh
threw them away and he heard about it for ages. She says she's big into
"recycling". You seriously don't want to know what she "recycles".
Most people have a "junk drawer" in their kitchen........she has a "junk
ROOM". Yep, an entire room of junk.
I actually read once that severe pack rats (hoarders) are actually OCD.
JennP.
Gay Plakunov
>
> OMG. I have MIL pack-rat stories that could......no, make that WOULD give
> you nightmares. At the lake house dh and I once counted the # of aluminum
> Sara Lee pie tins (first of all, SL pie, BLECH) and there were 30!!!! 30
> friggin' pie tins that should have been thrown away in the first place. Dh
> threw them away and he heard about it for ages. She says she's big into
> "recycling". You seriously don't want to know what she "recycles".
>
> Most people have a "junk drawer" in their kitchen........she has a "junk
> ROOM". Yep, an entire room of junk.
LOL!! I'm thinking maybe you married my ex-fiance, 'cause honey did his
mother ever hoard weird stuff!
Pie tins, twist ties, bread bags, grocery bags (both paper and plastic,
thank you!), any type of lidded container (wipes, cool whip, margarine,
etc), coffee cans - I could go on and on.
She lived (lives) in a huge farmhouse, and had the basement AND attic
completely packed. Her attic still contained clothing her kids wore in the
60s and 70s, and she would periodically try to get someone to wear it.
She also had a junk room, and she couldn't bear to throw out anything. I
once watched her ramble around for 45 minutes trying to find a use for a
used utensil rack from an old dishwasher. She was positively distraught
when she couldn't put it to use immediately ... so it went into the
basement, where she no doubt forgot about it.
-----
Gay
mama to Nicholas James 05-14-02
Rosalie B.
>JennP wrote...
>>
>> OMG. I have MIL pack-rat stories that could......no, make that WOULD give
>> you nightmares. At the lake house dh and I once counted the # of aluminum
>> Sara Lee pie tins (first of all, SL pie, BLECH) and there were 30!!!! 30
>> friggin' pie tins that should have been thrown away in the first place. Dh
>> threw them away and he heard about it for ages. She says she's big into
>> "recycling". You seriously don't want to know what she "recycles".
>>
>> Most people have a "junk drawer" in their kitchen........she has a "junk
>> ROOM". Yep, an entire room of junk.
>
>LOL!! I'm thinking maybe you married my ex-fiance, 'cause honey did his
>mother ever hoard weird stuff!
>
>Pie tins, twist ties, bread bags, grocery bags (both paper and plastic,
We use the paper bags to put newspapers and magazines into for
recycling rather than tieing them up with string. (That's the way the
recycling works where we are - we have that choice.) My mom uses them
to put in the kitchen trash can.
We reuse the plastic bags as trash can liners (putting a new one in
each time, and throwing out the old one). And we also use them in
place of trash cans in places like the head (bathroom) of the boat
where there's not room for an actual trash can, and we can just hook
the bag over the shower control.
>thank you!), any type of lidded container (wipes, cool whip, margarine,
>etc), coffee cans - I could go on and on.
We don't save twist ties, and we don't have coffee cans because we
don't drink coffee. I do have some old cider jugs, and I save soda
bottles and water bottles which I refill with water and then freeze.
(Not plastic milk bottles though - they are way too fragile to do that
with.)
>She lived (lives) in a huge farmhouse, and had the basement AND attic
>completely packed. Her attic still contained clothing her kids wore in the
>60s and 70s, and she would periodically try to get someone to wear it.
My mom does that too. You just have to be firm about it.
Although lots of times when I'm ready to get rid of a dress, I can
hand it on to my mom and she WILL wear it, with every evidence of
pleasure.
>
>She also had a junk room, and she couldn't bear to throw out anything. I
>once watched her ramble around for 45 minutes trying to find a use for a
>used utensil rack from an old dishwasher. She was positively distraught
>when she couldn't put it to use immediately ... so it went into the
>basement, where she no doubt forgot about it.
My mom is that way too, and me to a certain extent. I DO throw stuff
out. I actually threw away one of those old thermal copiers the other
day. My mom used the inner tube out of an old washer as a planter.
Still does actually. Well drained because of all those holes.
I guess the difference is that we only save stuff we might actually
use.
grandma Rosalie
H Schinske
>
>I actually read once that severe pack rats (hoarders) are actually OCD.
I think that's true, or at least they respond to the same or similar meds.
--Helen
Nancy P.
> > >
> >I think our parents in general forget how difficult it is to clean house
> >when you have a baby/young child. The way I see it, a little bit of dust
> >never killed anyone and in 10 years time would you rather look back at
this
> >beautiful time and say "My house was dust free" or "I spent time with my
> >baby"?
>
>Rosalie,
I frequently don't agree with you, but wow, this time you're dead on!
Thanks for posting this, as I may be using that quote myself with a few of
my family members.
Nancy
Rosalie B.
I posted something similar, but this actual quote wasn't mine. Sorry.
I didn't find it that much more difficult to clean the house when I
had a young child because I just didn't do that much of it. If my mom
objected, she knew what to do about it (which was clean it herself),
and my MIL never said a word.
(Although she did try to do some ironing once - she and BIL and SIL
came to visit right after I had dd#3, and there was so little space in
the house that BIL and SIL had to camp in a tent in the back yard, and
MIL was in the room with dd#3 - and she burned a hole in my table.
But it was originally her table, and it already had marks from exacto
knives where my dh had built model airplanes on it so it was NBD.)
What I said was a quote I remembered from a book - something to
the effect that no one ever says they just love Mrs B because she has
such an immaculate house, and at the worst a poor housekeeper can
serve as a bad example and allow people to feel superior.
I think I did say someplace that there was no NEED to keep the mantle
clean. Food was a need, but the mantle will not be harmed if it
wasn't clean.
grandma Rosalie
Chookie
"Welches" <wel...@ntlworld.com> wrote:
> Is that when the cousin (?) goes to help in the field and cries wolf, and
> then gets stung, so they ignore him. And ma covers him in mud to make it
> better?
That's the one. He gets plastered in mud and given a herbal tea to lower his
fever.
Chookie
"Welches" <wel...@ntlworld.com> wrote:
> No, she's not supersticious at all. She just doesn't seem to notice them.
Er, does she have multifocals? Or no glasses at all?
Welches
> In article <32Ym9.4303$W37.2...@newsfep2-win.server.ntli.net>,
> "Welches" <wel...@ntlworld.com> wrote:
>
> > No, she's not supersticious at all. She just doesn't seem to notice
them.
>
> Er, does she have multifocals? Or no glasses at all?
>
reckons that she does a "I don't mind spiders at all" act round me as I hate
them and she knows it. Personally, I think as she knows I really don't like
them it would be kind to remove big ones before I arrive, but I've never
said anything. I just check the bedroom (particularly under the sheets) and
shiver when I see them in the kitchen cupboards. She also doesn't mind
leaving dead flies on her kitchen windowsill, which I also find quite
strange.
Debbie (who removes any insects/spiders from her house as quickly as
possible)
hamilton
<wel...@ntlworld.com> wrote:
she obviously wants to make sure the spiders have lunch
I personally like to have spiders around because I am convinced they eat
baby cockroaches and other uglies --
Caligula
> in article bJim9.651$G01.101785@newsfep2-gui, Welches wrote on 10/1/02 9:59
> AM:
>
>
>>This weekend my in-laws came to help us "move" into our newly bought home.
>
>
>>things that Rachel has grown out of. She knows we're wanting more children,
>>so what is the point in throwing all her baby clothes away? If I said
>>something belonged to DH she was happy to keep it, but anything she didn't
>>like of mine needed to be chucked and she assumed any untidiness was due to
>>me.
>
>
> about and even laughed at some of my things, like a heart-shaped loaf pan
> from Pampered Chef. I also have heart-shaped cake pans --- she asked, "oh,
> do you EVER bake? I've never seen you bake anything." She was shocked at
> how many placemats we have, "how could you possibly need so many placemats?"
>
> criticism, but I have learned to deal with this sort of stuff with a shrug
> and "uh-huh" or a disinterested, "huh?" and quickly change the subject.
>
> said that you usually get on fine with her, so bear that in mind. Perhaps
> she wasn't feeling particularly well that day?
>
> After 18 years of marriage, I have learned that my MIL is a twit and there's
> nothing I can do to change that. So, I changed me and the way I reacted to
> her. It's helped a lot.
>
> occasional criticisms....which are rare, unexpected and always brutal. I
> used to let her zingers cut straight to my heart. For instance, when
> expecting visitors I clean the house from top to bottom and put out candles,
> and tablecloths......but my mom will find some insignificant dust on the
> ceiling fan blades and take much relish in pointing it out to me. I now
> either laugh it off, "wow,guess I missed a spot, huh?" and change the
> subject.
>
> My MIL was over recently and my DH took her down in the basement to show off
> some shelves he'd built. My MIL, instead of complimenting him on the
> shelves, went on and on about how much STUFF we have......"how can you
> "same old lady, same old comments". This time my DH stood up to her,
> reminding her that she has not packed up everything and moved in over 45
> years.....we've moved 9 times in 18 years......it's not so easy finding a
> NEW best place to put everything every couple of years.
>
>
>
>>The worst thing she said was that my house was so dirty and "disgusting"
>>that no one would want to come to see me, which I found really upsetting.
>>kitchen. I'm trying to work out whether I can go somewhere else without
>>looking too obvious or rude as I don't want to fall out with her completely
>>(just not see her for a reasonable time)
>>Am I being silly and sensitive?
>>
>>Would you rather visit/eat at a house where the mantelpiece hadn't been
>>dusted for over two weeks, or a house which had spiders in the foodcupboards
>>and fridge?
>>
>>Debbie
>>
>>
>
> learn how to deal with rudeness and insensitivity on the part of others,
> either indirectly/passively by shrugging off criticism (or avoiding your
> MIL) or by being direct/assertive and telling her to knock it off.
>
> Personally, I'm more comfortable with the passive approach.
>
> rightly so. She came into your home and made you feel like a little girl, a
> very stupid little girl who doesn't know what to keep and what to save, how
> to dust or clean the house, etc. That stinks.
>
> Barb
>
It's my mother who does this. If it's my thing, then she's fine with it.
If it's DH's thing, then she wants to toss it out, especially if he
isn't there to defend himself. Argh!
Sarah
Caligula
We don't have spiders because our cat eats them. We do however need to
dust more often.
Sarah