Birthday parties: How to stop shakedowns of "guests"?
Lenona
a strange request? A friend we see occasionally got engaged six months
ago. He’s quite the social butterfly and has a ton of acquaintances. A
couple of months ago, his fiancee sent an e-mail to 20 friends and
acquaintances soliciting money for a surprise 50th birthday party
she’s planning to throw him! I casually ignored the request, assuming
she would see the error in her ways. Well, she didn’t, because she
just sent out another request today that reads as follows:
"OK, guys, it’s about that time to start gearing up for the Surprise
50th Birthday Party and ROAST. I really appreciate you guys wanting to
help host this ‘Party of the Year.’ The budget comes out to be a
contribution of $300 each. (It would have been more if we hadn’t
changed the event to a BYOB.) Please let me know when I can expect
your contribution; the sooner the better so I can place deposits with
the vendors."
Margo, she is incorrectly assuming that everyone wants to help host.
Can you tell me how to respond to someone who has no manners, not to
mention a clue? — Running from the Party
(snip)
So far, there are 97 responses. Maybe I should read those first.
(Margo's response is pretty cowardly - why couldn't she just suggest
saying "you're joking, of course. What's the real invitation?")
At any rate, it occurred to me that maybe the problem lies (somewhat)
less with clueless adults trying to host adult parties (though not in
the fiancee's case) than with the vicious cycle that's getting worse
and worse and that starts with the parents of young children. What I
mean is, if a child gets a birthday invitation from his best friend,
but the birthday boy's parents are asking the children's parents to
pay for the restaurant/show/laser-tag-game that so often accompanies
modern kids' parties, what are the parents of the "guest" supposed to
do? Tell the child he can't go because "we don't accept social
invitations that really aren't" as if any small child understands
that? Take the child to the party and then take him home after the
cake, thus guaranteeing your child will accuse YOU of being "the bad
guy" for not coughing up the cash like all the other parents? Or drop
off the child with no cash and hope the "hosts" will pay so you can
say to them afterwards: "You expected ME to pay? Surely that was a
typo - you're the host, right?"
Obviously, none of the above sounds safe to do. All I can think of is
trying to meet with all your kids' friends' parents as early in the
school year as possible and trying to come to a mutual agreement so
these shakedowns don't happen. Otherwise - here's my point - kids will
grow up surrounded by shakedown artists and will have NO understanding
of why they shouldn't do this themselves or why modest hospitality is
far less shameful than being grabby. It's happening already, with
otherwise well-mannered teens and adults in their 20s.
I have to say, I can't remember the last time Miss Manners tackled
this particular problem of "hosts" of children's parties who want to
entertain above their means. Maybe it happens far less with small
children's parties than adult parties. (The last one I DO remember was
relatively simple - the "guest" couldn't attend anyway, but the mother
of the birthday boy still felt her son was entitled to a gift and kept
asking when it was coming. Obviously, as MM said, the thing to do was
simply say : "He didn't attend your son's party, so he's not giving
anything.")
Lenona.
dr_jeff
> Dear Margo: Can you give me some guidance regarding how to respond to
> a strange request? A friend we see occasionally got engaged six months
> couple of months ago, his fiancee sent an e-mail to 20 friends and
> acquaintances soliciting money for a surprise 50th birthday party
> she would see the error in her ways. Well, she didn�t, because she
> just sent out another request today that reads as follows:
>
> 50th Birthday Party and ROAST. I really appreciate you guys wanting to
> contribution of $300 each. (It would have been more if we hadn�t
> changed the event to a BYOB.) Please let me know when I can expect
> your contribution; the sooner the better so I can place deposits with
> the vendors."
Tell her that she can expect your contribution when hell freezes over
(but only if she brings the booze).
> Margo, she is incorrectly assuming that everyone wants to help host.
> Can you tell me how to respond to someone who has no manners, not to
> mention a clue? � Running from the Party
>
> (snip)
>
> So far, there are 97 responses. Maybe I should read those first.
> (Margo's response is pretty cowardly - why couldn't she just suggest
> saying "you're joking, of course. What's the real invitation?")
>
> At any rate, it occurred to me that maybe the problem lies (somewhat)
> less with clueless adults trying to host adult parties (though not in
> the fiancee's case) than with the vicious cycle that's getting worse
> and worse and that starts with the parents of young children. What I
> mean is, if a child gets a birthday invitation from his best friend,
> but the birthday boy's parents are asking the children's parents to
> pay for the restaurant/show/laser-tag-game that so often accompanies
> modern kids' parties, what are the parents of the "guest" supposed to
> do? Tell the child he can't go because "we don't accept social
> invitations that really aren't" as if any small child understands
> that?
Tell the kid that it is rude to invite someone along, and then not pay
for it.
> Take the child to the party and then take him home after the
> cake, thus guaranteeing your child will accuse YOU of being "the bad
> guy" for not coughing up the cash like all the other parents? Or drop
> off the child with no cash and hope the "hosts" will pay so you can
> say to them afterwards: "You expected ME to pay? Surely that was a
> typo - you're the host, right?"
>
> Obviously, none of the above sounds safe to do.
Actually, all is needed is, either:
"Sorry, I can't attend."
or,
"I never agreed to pay for a surprise and can't afford it. I am sorry,
but I won't be attending." For the adult party in question, this should
have gone out after the first message.
You won't lose a friend, because, that's no friend to begin with.
> All I can think of is
> trying to meet with all your kids' friends' parents as early in the
> school year as possible and trying to come to a mutual agreement so
> these shakedowns don't happen. Otherwise - here's my point - kids will
> grow up surrounded by shakedown artists and will have NO understanding
> of why they shouldn't do this themselves or why modest hospitality is
> far less shameful than being grabby. It's happening already, with
> otherwise well-mannered teens and adults in their 20s.
Ann Landers or sister used to say (or still does - I think one is still
talking and writing): "You can't be taken advantage of without your
permission."
And as one of my fellow teachers used to say, "Man up!" (It's an all
boys school.)
I think it is best to bring this up at the beginning, tell parents that
we shouldn't have guest parties where the kids have to pay to attend.
There has to be a line drawn somewhere.
And the line depends on the circumstances. But the bottom line is the
birthday party is to celebrate another year with the person, and not
spend a ton of other people's money.
dejablues
"Lenona" <leno...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:74451ec3-36d5-4b83...@g23g2000yqh.googlegroups.com...
(snip)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Agenda much?
That's quite a stretch. Clueless greedy people are that way long before they
have kids.
dejablues
"Lenona" <leno...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:74451ec3-36d5-4b83...@g23g2000yqh.googlegroups.com...
At any rate, it occurred to me that maybe the problem lies (somewhat)
less with clueless adults trying to host adult parties (though not in
the fiancee's case) than with the vicious cycle that's getting worse
and worse and that starts with the parents of young children. What I
mean is, if a child gets a birthday invitation from his best friend,
but the birthday boy's parents are asking the children's parents to
pay for the restaurant/show/laser-tag-game that so often accompanies
modern kids' parties, what are the parents of the "guest" supposed to
do? Tell the child he can't go because "we don't accept social
invitations that really aren't" as if any small child understands
that? Take the child to the party and then take him home after the
cake, thus guaranteeing your child will accuse YOU of being "the bad
guy" for not coughing up the cash like all the other parents? Or drop
off the child with no cash and hope the "hosts" will pay so you can
say to them afterwards: "You expected ME to pay? Surely that was a
typo - you're the host, right?"
That all sounds rather made-up.
Obviously, none of the above sounds safe to do. All I can think of is
trying to meet with all your kids' friends' parents as early in the
school year as possible and trying to come to a mutual agreement so
these shakedowns don't happen. Otherwise - here's my point - kids will
grow up surrounded by shakedown artists and will have NO understanding
of why they shouldn't do this themselves or why modest hospitality is
far less shameful than being grabby. It's happening already, with
otherwise well-mannered teens and adults in their 20s.
It is? Really?
I have to say, I can't remember the last time Miss Manners tackled
this particular problem of "hosts" of children's parties who want to
entertain above their means. Maybe it happens far less with small
children's parties than adult parties. (The last one I DO remember was
relatively simple - the "guest" couldn't attend anyway, but the mother
of the birthday boy still felt her son was entitled to a gift and kept
asking when it was coming. Obviously, as MM said, the thing to do was
simply say : "He didn't attend your son's party, so he's not giving
anything.")
Lenona.
That's what happens, "Lenona", when you have no real life friends or family
and rely on advice columns to gauge what people do socially, and post then
on Usenet to get some response.
Lenona
(snip)
Actually, I had the unpleasant experience just three or so years ago
of being "invited" by a 35-year-old birthday boy to go to a restaurant
with him (and other "guests") to spend money for both the restaurant
and some stage show I never heard of, all in HIS honor. I and a couple
of others were naturally offended. We lost him as a friend after
that.
Granted, he doesn't get along with his parents, so I'm guessing he
didn't learn to be a moocher from them. Despite being college-
educated, he seemed to think that his near-homelessness was an excuse
to live above his means at other people's expense. What made me
especially angry was that he already knew I'd been ripped off by
someone else, so I didn't him to do anything like that.
As MM says: "If you can't afford champagne, serve punch. If you can't
afford punch, serve water. But do it graciously."
BTW, I don't mind potluck dinners, especially when circumstances mean
that the hosts will never visit my house (such as when they are semi-
invalids). But there ARE times when potluck isn't really that - it's
mooching.
And when I mentioned that to a wonderful, educated friend of mine who
would never intentionally mooch, she didn't understand the distinction
and indicated she had no problem with being "invited" to a friend's
party that she'd have to help pay for. So I think that's proof that
even kids who were raised to reciprocate politely and faithfully might
get confused if they grow up surrounded by peers who do not and just
charge their "guests." Look at all the people who keep asking for
"polite" ways to ask for cash in their wedding invitations, even
though it's not even polite to say in the invitation where you're
registered - the guest is supposed to ask someone connected with the
bride or groom. (Also, even little kids are not supposed to tell their
birthday guests what they want or give them shopping lists - if they
don't already have a general idea, they're not very intimate friends.)
Here's a simple way of putting it:
"Those who object to potluck dinners should be aware that there is a
difference between a dinner that everyone agrees will be shared -- and
one to which guests are invited, only to be asked to supply the
hostess's menu. I agree that the latter is inappropriate."
Lenona.
Lenona
> Lenonawrote:
> Tell the kid that it is rude to invite someone along, and then not pay
> for it.
And a 3-year-old - or even a slightly older kid - is going to
understand that and not get hysterical about not being allowed to go?
Or think that anyone besides you, the parent, is the bad guy?
My point is, how exactly do we PREVENT these sorts of invitations from
being sent in the first place so you don't have to crush your kids'
feelings when you tell them they can't go - and greedy traditions
don't get started? As I indicated, it's unfair to expect the guest kid
to get offended at the birthday kid's parents - after all, the guest
kids' parents are the ones who would do the paying, not the kids.
> I think it is best to bring this up at the beginning, tell parents that
> we shouldn't have guest parties where the kids have to pay to attend.
> There has to be a line drawn somewhere.
When, where and how would that announcement be made? After all, it can
sound pretty accusatory - and arrogant - if you're not careful.
Anyway, the bottom line is to teach kids that even serving nothing but
cookies and punch at a party - plus the lack of professional
entertainment - is far better than believing that keeping up with the
Joneses is somehow terribly important, since that usually involves
credit card debt. And it definitely should not be done at others'
expense.
Lenona.
enigma
news:107ff453-56f0-4a04...@p35g2000yqh.googlegroups.
com:
> On Nov 22, 7:06�pm, dr_jeff <u...@msu.edu> wrote:
>> Lenonawrote:
>
>
>> Tell the kid that it is rude to invite someone along, and then
>> not pay for it.
>
> And a 3-year-old - or even a slightly older kid - is going to
> understand that and not get hysterical about not being allowed
> to go? Or think that anyone besides you, the parent, is the bad
> guy?
kids get over it pretty quickly. if the parent intercepts the
invitation, the kid doesn't even have to know. 3 year olds mostly
aren't reading yet.
> Anyway, the bottom line is to teach kids that even serving
> nothing but cookies and punch at a party - plus the lack of
> professional entertainment - is far better than believing that
> keeping up with the Joneses is somehow terribly important, since
> that usually involves credit card debt. And it definitely should
> not be done at others' expense.
my kid goes to a private school, which means that many of the
parents use 'party venues'. if it's no cost when my child is invited,
he gets to go. i don't object to paying the $2 bowling shoes rental
for the many parties held there though.
*i* don't have the money to invite a bunch of kids to a party venue,
& the kid's birthday is in August which means if we get one or two
kids to show up for his birthday, it's amazing... but we have a farm,
& the kids all seem to really like attending parties here (we have
non-birthday sledding parties in the winter, or maple syrup making
parties in spring). non-issue here, i guess. my son knows he can't go
if there's a "cover charge" & has since he was 3.
lee