Second pregnancy blues
Maxixe
first pregnancy from my husband, friends and family - this time it
feels like a non-event to everyone but me.
The first time around we had the first grandchild for my parents. My
mom called every week to get an update. Boy were they ever excited.
My husband came to almost every check up first time around (he's only
been to the ultrasound this time), was doting with massages, concerned
words, did most of the tasks - like walking the dog and cooking when I
was feeling fatigued.
For No.1 a friend threw me a really nice baby shower, at work they had
one too and even my husband's boss gave us gifts(okay, so another
whole babyshower wasn't necessary again, but we did have to buy a new
crib, car seat and since we are having a boy this time, lots of
layette items to replace the pink ones). No gifts from family members
this time, at least not yet. If they do give anything after the birth,
we probably won't really need anything by then.
I don't work outside the home but I do volunteer as a teacher's helper
at my daughter's preschool once a week (which is tougher than any jobs
I have held before!) and take care of my very active 3 yr. old
daughter and our dog, manage our household finances and housekeeping,
cook and entertain friends or family about once a week (all combined
it is harder than my previous 8 hr a day job).
If things aren't tidy and clean or I didn't make dinner one day, my
husband hints that he feels I am being lazy while he is working so
hard. The way I see it,if things slip it is because I really feel
tired! I can't understand why he keeps forgetting I am pregnant and
have less energy sometimes.
Around the 7th month was the first time he said he noticed I looked
pregnant. "Oh, you have curves." he said when I feel it has been
perfectly obvious since the 4th month! It just underscored my feelings
that it hasn't been on his mind much.
My dad, my newlywed younger sister and her husband invited themselves
for a week over Christmas (when I was 7 months pregnant)and during
that time hardly showed interest in the baby to come. They acted like
I was running a bed and breakfast and avoided helping out when I was
cooking and cleaning up after them. I begged a few times for help
keeping an eye on my daughter so I could take care of house keeping
and cooking. It really pissed me off as they made excuses about having
other things to do or feeling tired.
This time I have had more anger and anxiety than the first time
because I have felt resentful about feeling neglected and having to
remind everyone I was not feeling as energetic and physically
comfortable to take on marathon sessions of doing for others!
I hope my experience is an exception to what others have had on here.
I feel pregnancy is a time when I think extra attention to the mother
to be is essential, especially from the father-to-be and family
members. I really want to say something to my husband especially about
this, but I don't know how without getting emotionally upset about it
or accusatory.
Marie
Once it is born, people bring gifts and ooh and aah over it, but it just
isn't exciting anymore(to other people) And if the babys are years apart
it's a little better attention-wise (for some people). My first two were
almost 18 months apart, but the second pregnancy wasn't as special to the
relatives as the first.
I think it was rude for your family to not help you out when they were
guests in your home, whether or not you were pregnant!!
When I know someone who is pregnant again, I try to treat them like it is
special, b/c I remember how it felt for me lol
Marie
"Maxixe" <max...@volcanomail.com> wrote in message
news:f5fd69ae.03012...@posting.google.com...
Resi
I found the second pregnancy announcement received a fairly
basic response compared to the first. Family didn't seem very
excited and didn't seem to want to talk about it that much and
haven't received any pre-birth gifts (last time we got clothes,
cards and things). I think my parents purchased a jumpsuit
the other day when I told them my waters broke but that's it...
pretty much a non-event from other people's points of view.
My husband fortunately, sees it with the same excitement (if not
more) that the first pregnancy.
Resi
Stephanie and Tim
My opinion is that you should leave the lack of excitement and the emotional
disappointment alone. I think you should speak honestly, from the bottom of
you hurt heart, about feeling neglected by him in terms of your being tired
and needing extra help. It is too late now, but if I were you I would have
chewed out the family over Christmas. A family gathering is not a vaction to
a hotel with paid staff. But if you are upset and feel like accusing, do it,
say it. Sure, any discussion can work out better if you try to stay calm for
the discussion. But do not hide your feelings from you husband. He needs to
know.
That's my opinion.
S
Nichol
incredibly supportive pregnant or no, I am not getting the same interest in
his going to OB appoinments (other than the Sono) and such. He does still
rub my feet and back which I am greatful for.
As for the gifts and things, I am feeling bit down that no one has mentioned
a baby shower or blessing way or anything for this little one. I know we
are having another boy which I think makes people assume we have everything
we need. When in fact this one will be born in a totally different season,
and we don't have all the clothes and things. Not to mention we need
newborn cloth diapers since we didn't start CD'ing until my first DS was
about 3 months old (over 15lbs at that point). And our baby monitor broke a
few months ago, so there are lots of little things that we need. Not that I
expect anyone to buy us one darn thing, but to be asked would be nice. The
only person that seems even remotely interested in the day to day details of
this pregnancy is my grandma, but then she is always interested in my life
period.
Another thing that seems a bit annoying to me is that when I am out and
about by myself folks open doors for me and offer to carry things out, but
if I have DS with me its as if no one notices that I am 30 weeks pregnant
and might need a hand. I had to ask for help at the grocery the other day
and the guy acted like it was a burden on him! I mean what do we pay these
people for?
Ok well I am getting a bit irrational here I think, so I will end for now.
Like I said in the beginning it is nice to know I am not alone in my
feelings.
Blessings,
Nichol
--
Mama to Austin
7/15/01
#2 due
April 2003
Ericka Kammerer
> As for the gifts and things, I am feeling bit down that no one has mentioned
> a baby shower or blessing way or anything for this little one. I know we
> are having another boy which I think makes people assume we have everything
> we need. When in fact this one will be born in a totally different season,
> and we don't have all the clothes and things. Not to mention we need
> newborn cloth diapers since we didn't start CD'ing until my first DS was
> about 3 months old (over 15lbs at that point). And our baby monitor broke a
> few months ago, so there are lots of little things that we need. Not that I
> expect anyone to buy us one darn thing, but to be asked would be nice.
While I agree that it sucks in general when people
fawn all over you the first time around, and then afterwards
act like pregnancy is no big deal and you should just suck
it up and handle your regular routine, I would urge a bit of
caution on the shower front. I know you're not saying you
expect people to get you a bunch of pressies, but perhaps
one should focus on aligning expectations a bit. While there
are groups in which multiple showers and such are routine,
there are also many families and circles in which the
traditional rule (still on the books) is that the big
gift stuff and showers are *only* appropriate the first
time around (sort of like a wedding). They help you ease
the big transition from having nothing to needing everything,
but after that's been done once, they're off the hook and the
rest is your responsibility. Now, this is totally different
from things like christening gifts or gifts after the baby
is born. Very close friends and relatives are still on the
hook for that--inasmuch as anyone is on the hook to give
gifts. Gift giving is always at the discretion of the giver!
But these gifts are traditional for close friends and family.
Still, they usually happen *after* the baby is born, and
they're not necessarily meant to defray the expenses involved
in having a child, but merely to express joy at the birth.
So, it may not be that you have loser friends and family.
It may simply be that you have more *traditional* friends
and family, in which case on this particular front, the
solution may lie more in adjusting your expectations.
I had no showers or pre-baby gift giving for #2 (and
don't expect it for #3), but that didn't mean that family
and friends weren't very supportive or didn't care about
subsequent babies.
There's no excuse for the other stuff, I agree.
It's just rude. I just think the shower situation is
a different case.
Best wishes,
Ericka
Chotii
"Nichol" <faed...@austin.rr.com> wrote in message
news:YxfZ9.34269$267.1...@twister.austin.rr.com...
> As for the gifts and things, I am feeling bit down that no one has
mentioned
> a baby shower or blessing way or anything for this little one. I know we
> are having another boy which I think makes people assume we have
everything
> we need. When in fact this one will be born in a totally different season,
> and we don't have all the clothes and things. Not to mention we need
> newborn cloth diapers since we didn't start CD'ing until my first DS was
> about 3 months old (over 15lbs at that point). And our baby monitor broke
a
> few months ago, so there are lots of little things that we need. Not that
I
> expect anyone to buy us one darn thing, but to be asked would be nice.
Well, you know, I had twins with my second pregnancy. Hardly anybody
acknowledged it. Not true precisely, my mother's sisters sent little baby
clothes in what mom called a mail-in-shower, which was much appreciated,
but....
When I was in the post-partum wing recovering from c/s 2, with my babies who
I couldn't even touch in the NICU, I hobbled past a room on the way to the
elevator to go see my babies. That room was FULL of balloons, flowers,
stuffed animals, and cards. I think there were a half-dozen stuffed toys
along the windowsill.
My room had nothing.... No, not true. One of my brothers came by with a
pair of balloons, handed them to me, and fled out the door like if he stayed
any longer they'd tie him down and do something to him.
My husband and I laughed a little and said, gee, must be a first baby /
first grandbaby. But I was sad.
I'm now pregnant with #4, and no....I don't expect a shower. It would be
nice, but I fully expect this baby's birth to be ignored. And we don't have
any baby things left anymore, because after the twins we "weren't going to
have any more" so we got rid of all out-grown things. Hah. But, friends have
been kind in giving us stuff *their* babies have outgrown, so at least we
won't have to buy all new.
--angela
Em
> first pregnancy from my husband, friends and family - this time it
> feels like a non-event to everyone but me.
> This time I have had more anger and anxiety than the first time
> because I have felt resentful about feeling neglected and having to
> remind everyone I was not feeling as energetic and physically
> comfortable to take on marathon sessions of doing for others!
I'm sorry to hear that you've having a hard time. I sounds like you have a
lot on your plate right now! I don't agree with the way they are acting, but
I think I *can* understand a little bit why your extended family members
might not see the same thrill to this pregnancy as they did with #1. They
probably look at it as if you've already "been there, done that" and since
they don't live your life, they don't fully grasp that it is a different
baby and a different experience for you, but that is no excuse for having
treated you poorly over Christmas or for them not make *any* kind of fuss
over you. What is really unfortunate is your husband's reaction--this is a
time when you really need his support above anyone else's!
Second pregnancies are special too and, after the baby gets here, I hope
your family realizes that second babies are really special also!
--
Em
#1 edd Sept
Alicia Elliott
hear about the way you have been treated. Especially by your husband. Why
do you put up with that crap? You aren't his employee, and you certainly
aren't owned by him, or even in service to him. What the hell??!! I would
have smacked my husband upside the head and made him take a good look at the
reason I am living with him. It is your choice to be there with him, and
you are gracious enough to bear him two children. He knew the resposibility
of that when you decided to have a second kid, so what's with making you do
things that you aren't able to manage? I get really upset when I see women
in that kind of situation. Firstly, you should consider that all of your
extra energy is going towards making a new life. You don't have a reserve
to fall back on right now. And while it may not be as novel as the first
baby, it still does a number on your system. Tell your family and husband
to wake up and realize that you aren't there for their wellbeing. It should
be the other way around.
Anyway, rant finished. Try to take care of yourself and give yourself the
"okay" to being tired. If you give yourself permission to feel that way
without feeling guilty, then perhaps you will have the ability to stand up
for your needs. You are a marvelous creature about to create a new human
being! How wonderful is that!!! Take care of yourself!
-Alicia
P.S. I am fortunate to have a loving, supportive and generous fiance who is
always aware of my needs, whether or not I am pregnant. If he isn't, he
knows that I will leave him for someone who cares. I am also the same way
with him. He deserves as much love and support as I can give him, and I
deeply appreciate his contribution to my life. It should go both ways.
Alpha
> Maybe it is just me but I miss the excitement and attention of the
> first pregnancy from my husband, friends and family - this time it
> feels like a non-event to everyone but me.
People definitely haven't been as excited for my second pregnancy either,
and I agree, it gets to be a bummer sometimes. :-( There are times when
I feel sad on behalf of the son we're expecting, as if he could have any
clue that people aren't acting as excited for his arrival as they did for
his brother's. Silly, I know. :-)
-- Alpha
mom to Eamon, 3/20/01
and little boy, edd 3/24/03
alphawave at earthlink dot net
Ericka Kammerer
> People definitely haven't been as excited for my second pregnancy either,
> and I agree, it gets to be a bummer sometimes. :-( There are times when
> I feel sad on behalf of the son we're expecting, as if he could have any
> clue that people aren't acting as excited for his arrival as they did for
> his brother's. Silly, I know. :-)
It can be rough during the pregnancy, but I think in
the vast majority of cases, the situation resolves itself as
soon as the baby arrives. In fact, that's usually when you
have to have some sympathy for the older child who gets ignored
in favor of the adorable new baby ;-) Part of it is just that
people naturally have a more difficult time sustaining the
kind of enthusiasm and interest they show the first time around.
I think it's really what people do for the first baby that
is abnormal, not what they do for the second ;-)
That said, there are boundaries! I think it's one
thing if others just aren't as involved in the pregnancy as
they were the first time, but there's no excuse whatsoever
for Dad not being involved or for people expecting a pregnant
woman to be doing all the work and waiting on everyone else
hand and foot.
Best wishes,
Ericka
Nichol
You have an excellent point, and being more traditional would explain some
of my friends and family. But as the oldest of 20 grandkids I have helped
throw and plan many many showers for 2nd, 3rd, and even 4th babies. In our
family that are a bit more of a celebration of the impending arrival of the
baby than an excuse to get presents. None of us are really into surprises,
so I am just a bit put off that all of my aunts and cousins that I did so
much for are pretty much ignoring this time around for me. I guess it is
just the proud mommy in me that wants this child to be greeted with as much
fanfair as the first.
L.A.Power
> Maybe it is just me but I miss the excitement and attention of the
> first pregnancy from my husband, friends and family - this time it
> feels like a non-event to everyone but me.
Hi...
I know...relatives haven't been as excited this time. DH is happy,
but not as freaked out by the unknown as he was the first time. He's
much more knowledgeable this time...even suggesting we get out the
Bradley book and begin our perineum massage...but he's not showing
that awe he did the first time. So there are trade-offs.
What I find different this time is the emotional turmoil within
myself. I was mostly thrilled and scared and hopeful with #1. Those
emotions blinded me to the reactions of others, for the most part. It
was all within ME...because I was so excited, it seemed to colour the
whole pregnancy, including others' reactions. This time, there's
worry over how #1's life will be impacted, worry over whether I'll be
able to have a VBAC this time, anticipation of the tiredness and
concern over meeting the needs of two children. Of course, there's
joy as well...but I find once again, my own emotions are colouring the
way I see others reacting to me. Because I'm carrying a more mixed
emotional burden this time, the lack of excitement from people on the
outside is more glaring. So I'm trying to picture my baby, and think
about who it could be and prepare the little diapers and clothes in
readiness. Those activites are making me happy, and making the
reactions of others less important.
I don't know if that makes any sense, but if so, I hope it helps. And
anyone who stays at your home for the holidays and doesn't help out is
rude, whether you are pregnant or not.
cheers.
L.A.
Welches
Ericka Kammerer <e...@comcast.net> wrote in message
news:3E358C5C...@comcast.net...
As someone from UK where I've not come across a baby shower at all, I find
the whole idea rather strange. If I decide to have a new kitchen, then I
don't throw a party and expect all my friends to pay for the cupboards. In
the same way, here, a baby is your responsibility to provide for. It sounds
really mercenary to me expecting friends to buy big gifts. When dd was born,
she was first of the next generation for us, my parents, his parents, all
our grandparents, and with only one exception, our friends. Most people did
give her gifts-but only after she'd arrived, and I certainly wouldn't expect
them to give one for #2 (if they ever turn up) and the gifts were clothes,
or small toys. the only large things we got as gifts, were Christmas
presents. I would have felt guilty if any friends had given large presents.
However, I know this is somewhat cultural.
I can sympathise with your feelings of being ignored. I think the first is
special in a "not-knowing-whats-coming" (good thing too with labour?) sort
of way, and I felt sad thinking that I'd never have quite the same into the
unknown in subsequent pregnancies. I expect next time (assuming there is a
next time) I'll have to get on a lot more. Even if I'm sick every time I go
in the kitchen like last time I'll still have to get dd's lunch, and I can't
sleep 18 hours a day when I have to look after her.
I would have thought you could ask for a shower without presents if you
wanted to and no one would mind.
Debbie
Sue
have. I am personally the independent type who doesn't need a lot of
attention thrown my way. I wasn't even that excited as pregnancy 2 and 3
went on ( I was, but after baby 1, I guess it was just getting on with
business and taking care of my first). I guess I was too busy to worry about
it. I didn't need to have hubby at my prenatal visits, just to watch me pee
and be weighed. He went for ultrasounds, but really it didn't bother me at
all. He was supportive throughout all my pregnancies and did the best he
could at the time. As for the relatives at Christmas, well that is a bit
much. My family would never treat me that way and expect me to wait on them
hand and foot, pregnant or not. If you need your husband to be more
involved, then I suggest speaking with him without being accusatory and
explaining how you are feeling. Most men don't have a clue until you tell
them
--
Sue
mom to three girls
"Maxixe" <max...@volcanomail.com> wrote in message
news:f5fd69ae.03012...@posting.google.com...
Nichol
In our family showers are more of a celebration of the soon to be new family
member. I always loved them as a kid and young adult (helping plan many)
and want to have those memories for my own children. Your idea of a shower
without presents is precisely what I would love to have! Just a time for
people to get together and be excited over the new one to come. Some
cultures call them "Blessing Way Ceremonies" where the family and friends
get together and do something special to bless the unborn baby. I just
think every child should be welcomed with as much fanfair as the last. Mine
or not.
Nichol
--
Mama to Austin
7/15/01
#2 due
April 2003
Ericka Kammerer
Ahh, well, if it's tradition to do that in your family
and family aren't returning the favor, then perhaps that does
say something.
Good luck,
Ericka
Ericka Kammerer
> Debbie,
>
> In our family showers are more of a celebration of the soon to be new family
> member. I always loved them as a kid and young adult (helping plan many)
> and want to have those memories for my own children. Your idea of a shower
> without presents is precisely what I would love to have! Just a time for
> people to get together and be excited over the new one to come. Some
> cultures call them "Blessing Way Ceremonies" where the family and friends
> get together and do something special to bless the unborn baby. I just
> think every child should be welcomed with as much fanfair as the last. Mine
> or not.
Just for the record, I know it's not the same as having
family and friends do the planning, but it is perfectly proper
for you to host your own non-shower event or blessing for your
child. In fact, when it comes to christenings/blessings, it's
usually traditional for the parent to host. It's work, to be
sure, but there's no impediment to your doing it if you want
to create that opportunity. You're only required to refrain
from throwing yourself a shower because "shower" equals "gifts
mandatory." I am planning to throw a christening party for
this child. Mom will likely help, but then again, we pretty
much collaborate on all our parties (she lives only a few
steps away, and we tend to use both kitchens for party prep ;-)
Best wishes,
Ericka
Alpha
> It can be rough during the pregnancy, but I think in
> the vast majority of cases, the situation resolves itself as
> soon as the baby arrives. In fact, that's usually when you
> have to have some sympathy for the older child who gets ignored
> in favor of the adorable new baby ;-)
lol! So true. :-) I guess in a few months my heart can ache for Eamon
instead of his brother. ;-)
Welches
> Debbie,
>
> In our family showers are more of a celebration of the soon to be new
family
> member. I always loved them as a kid and young adult (helping plan many)
> and want to have those memories for my own children. Your idea of a
shower
> without presents is precisely what I would love to have! Just a time for
> people to get together and be excited over the new one to come. Some
> cultures call them "Blessing Way Ceremonies" where the family and friends
> get together and do something special to bless the unborn baby. I just
> think every child should be welcomed with as much fanfair as the last.
Mine
> or not.
>
here, and people give gifts afterwards. But I don't think I can expect
everyone to get as excited over #2 as we all were over dd. I expect when/if
this happens then I'll get a bit frustrated, but at the moment (just ttc) I
actually feel the other way, a bit as though I'm going to be short changing
dd if I get pregnant. I think my sister (and possibly dh's brother too) feel
like they will be neglected with their #1 compared to me too. At the same
time I think they (particularly dh's brother) might expect to get everything
we have (which will really anoy me if he starts demanding stuff,) so it will
work both ways.
Debbie
Shana
As someone from UK where I've not come across a baby shower at all, I find
the whole idea rather strange. If I decide to have a new kitchen, then I
don't throw a party and expect all my friends to pay for the cupboards
Thanks for making me Laugh out loud! That's just hilarious! Very good point!
<<snicker>>
Shana
>
Melissa
...except that I don't expect anyone to throw me a shower and I don't expect
those who don't attend to give me a gift. When I got married I had one
shower and one tea (a party where gifts aren't required and, therefore,
aren't opened at the party) and I had a blast. However, several of my close
friends couldn't attend and I certainly didn't expect gifts from them. The
point of a shower is to shower the person with gifts.
I currently have two people offering to throw me/us a baby shower and we're
planning it so there's no overlap between the two groups. Even then, there
are a few people who will likley not bring gifts (one's out of work and the
other's 16) and I don't care much. However, part of the 'activities' at a
shower is opening gifts.
Finally, if I threw my own shower (like throwing a party for my new
kitchen), it would be terribly gauche. However, if you wanted a new kitchen
and someone else, not related to you, threw a party to gather stuff for your
new kitchen, that wouldn't be a bad thing, would it?
--
Melissa (in Los Angeles)
EDD May 4, 2003
Bruce and Jeanne
> first pregnancy from my husband, friends and family - this time it
> feels like a non-event to everyone but me.
>
> The first time around we had the first grandchild for my parents. My
> mom called every week to get an update. Boy were they ever excited.
>
Well, I hate to say this, but life goes on. Of course they should be
excited about the second baby, but it's hard to be *as* excited. Does your
mom call at all?
> My husband came to almost every check up first time around (he's only
> been to the ultrasound this time), was doting with massages, concerned
> words, did most of the tasks - like walking the dog and cooking when I
> was feeling fatigued.
>
I guess I'm a bit more independent. I don't see why my husband has to take
time off his job, drive 1/2 hour for a 15 minute appointment and then drive
back 1/2 hour to work. His work is as important as my pregnancy. DH did
come with me for the 20 week US and amnio (I wasn't sure how I would react
to the amnio, so I wanted him to drive).
OTOH, I agree your husband could be doing more - like walking the dog and
cooking.
> For No.1 a friend threw me a really nice baby shower, at work they had
> one too and even my husband's boss gave us gifts(okay, so another
> whole babyshower wasn't necessary again, but we did have to buy a new
> crib, car seat and since we are having a boy this time, lots of
> layette items to replace the pink ones). No gifts from family members
> this time, at least not yet. If they do give anything after the birth,
> we probably won't really need anything by then.
>
Oh - well, this is where you went wrong. We moved to a new state during my
first pregnancy. So this time around, we have a totally different set of
friends and work colleagues who have never seen me pregnant. So, the "new"
friends are thrilled about this pregnancy. I don't know if they'll throw a
baby shower or not. But with "new" friends you definitely get attention.
Actually, I don't expect people, new friends or old, to buy us anything for
the second child (although I *did* throw away 90% of the baby stuff about 2
weeks before conceiving). We've been lucky in that a neighbor gave us a
infant carrier/carseat (they have a one year old), and others have offered
hand-me-down clothing.
Jeanne
Maxixe
feelings about the gift/shower thing but I am certainly not the type
of person who "expects" things. It's about much more than the gifts.
It was more the attention and excitement from relatives that I missed
this time. My uncles and my mom are multi-millionaires (big
inheritance when my grandparents died). My husband and I aren't that
well off (and we just bought a house with all those expenses) but we
are comfortable and we made it ourselves which we are proud of. We are
also very generous with all of our relatives.
We waited until we were financially stable to have children. The first
time around, we truly would not have been able to afford all the
things we needed without a shower. In fact, my husband bought an
antique crib for $25 (totally unsafe) and we filled in our needs with
some second hand things. Many of our wealthy family members eventually
bought us heirloom items (small stocks, gold, collectibles) for my
daughter. Nothing to sneer at, but not very, er...useful, um then.
Terrible I should feel ungrateful and disappointed, a gift is a gift,
right? As a mother, I look at the birth of Christ in a new light: can
you see those kings bringing the infant Jesus exotic gifts when the
kid really needs a warm blanket and a decent place to sleep?
I had registered at a big baby store which I thought might help
everyone who expressed interest in giving us a gift, but mostly
friends used that registry. We bought the big ticket items (stroller,
carseats) ourselves.
Many of those second hand things wore out or broke, I never used the
crib (we are still breaking our 3 1/2 yr. old of the co-sleeping
habit), but my husband and some of our family never understood why we
should get a newer modern crib (after all, "some people even recycle
cardboard boxes into perfectly good cribs"). My dog chewed the hell
out of our infant car seat (base, straps and all) and this time we are
having a boy (though I bought some unisex clothes, it is also a
different season so a new wardrobe was pretty much a must). After our
first child was born we got lucky enough that my husband was enrolled
in a sales incentive program which earned him points for shopping. I
bought almost the whole first two years worth of my daughter's clothes
at Old Navy stores courtesy of Compaq computers. Otherwise she'd have
been in thrift shop clothes all the way (which I sure don't sneer at -
some really good stuff there if you have the time to look!).
It was expensive this time to set up, I think we needed at least a
third of the things you need to set up for a baby. I forced my husband
to get a new crib, but we really shopped around until we got lucky and
found one under $200. I took a sewing class so I am sewing some of the
nursery furnishings (last time we had no money to "decorate" a
nursery.
Whenever I feel a little bitter I remember the plight of millions of
less fortunate women much worse off than me but it just seems
unnecessary for a family as well off as mine to be this way. It still
makes one a little disappointed because friends of mine from less
affluent families seem to be showered with affection, financial help
and attention when they have a new baby on the way. I am a little
jealous of that.
> > As for the gifts and things, I am feeling bit down that no one has mentioned
> > a baby shower or blessing way or anything for this little one. I know we
> > are having another boy which I think makes people assume we have everything
> > we need. When in fact this one will be born in a totally different season,
> > and we don't have all the clothes and things. Not to mention we need
> > newborn cloth diapers since we didn't start CD'ing until my first DS was
> > about 3 months old (over 15lbs at that point). And our baby monitor broke a
> > few months ago, so there are lots of little things that we need. Not that I
> > expect anyone to buy us one darn thing, but to be asked would be nice.
>
Maxixe
what you are missing. We didn't expect a thing for our new house but a
baby is different than a kitchen remodeling, it is a family member -
everyone shares in their experience with the child. You have to start
the shower thing going in UK, not just because the cost of a new baby
is high (and many parents are young) but as a way to express support
and love to the new baby and your family or friend!
"Welches" <wel...@ntlworld.com> wrote in message news:<9pxZ9.742$m67...@newsfep3-gui.server.ntli.net>...
Maxixe
Ericka Kammerer
> Whenever I feel a little bitter I remember the plight of millions of
> less fortunate women much worse off than me but it just seems
> unnecessary for a family as well off as mine to be this way. It still
> makes one a little disappointed because friends of mine from less
> affluent families seem to be showered with affection, financial help
> and attention when they have a new baby on the way. I am a little
> jealous of that.
I can certainly understand those feelings, and it does
seem as though your family is less than, um, supportive, especially
under the circumstances. But it's really important not to let
those feelings (justified as they may be) lead to bitterness
that can poison so much. Your baby will be blessed with
much coming into a family that loves him dearly. That doesn't
make the financial things any easier to deal with, and they
can certainly be stressful, but at some point I think it's
just easier to manage one's own expectations than it is to
keep hoping for something from people who clearly aren't going
to give it. Meanwhile, sell the heirloom items and put them
to good use, if necessary ;-)
Best wishes,
Ericka
Maxixe
about pregnancy to know waht I am going through. I am sure he doesn't
have a clue. If I look good and am getting stuff done one day, he
can't understand why I feel crappy and can't manage to get out of my
pyjamas for half the day, the next. He also doesn't seem to understand
the emotional stuff I go through. This time around I am like Jekyll
and Hyde. I have left stuff around for him to read, but...it just
feels wrong and I don't want to seem like I am making excuses for
myself.
Also I think its the company he keeps at work and when he played
rugby. I might be generalizing but I noticed, particularly with the
rugby players, their wives were often unhappy with the way their
husbands did or did not accept fatherhood responsibilities. At work,
he has many co-workers who are single and free to do as they please.
He might feel he's missing out(but too damn bad, I miss exactly the
same stuff). Ironically, he is the one who wants to have more
children, (but I convinced him that two was our magic number). I think
many men who have wives who stay at home with small children think we
have it made and have no reason to complain (typed as I comfort a
bored, crying child on my lap). Time to go!
Linz
> Oh gosh, a baby shower is the most wonderful thing! YOu don't know
> what you are missing. We didn't expect a thing for our new house but a
> baby is different than a kitchen remodeling, it is a family member -
> everyone shares in their experience with the child. You have to start
> the shower thing going in UK, not just because the cost of a new baby
> is high (and many parents are young) but as a way to express support
> and love to the new baby and your family or friend!
Why? Family and friends generally show their love and support after the
birth by buying things, we just don't have a party where presents are
expected.
Edith (41)
Edith
"Maxixe" <max...@volcanomail.com> wrote in message
news:f5fd69ae.03013...@posting.google.com...
Maxixe
> excited about the second baby, but it's hard to be *as* excited. Does your
> mom call at all?
>
That is true. I guess I just get over emotional at times feeling sorry
for myself when I compare the two pregnancies. Most of the time I am
fairly independent. My mom calls a couple times a month but I usually
bring up my progress. She is probably the most interested though, at
least she sounds interested and she is coming out after I have the
baby. I liked having my husband come to some of the checkups because
it was an opportunity for us to have a babysitter and go to lunch
together afterwards if he has time (which I believe he does - he goes
out with co-worker friends to lunch 3 times a week for a couple
hours). It's not that he has to hold my hand or anything, but we don't
spend much time alone and it would show how interested he is in the
new baby and me too. Over dinner a couple nights ago (which we rarely
eat together anymore) he suddenly said "I just realized today, in
March we are going to have another baby!" I felt like rolling my eyes.
It seemed it just dawned on him and he had not given it a thought
recently until then. It annoys me a little because to me it is the
most important thing that will happen to us this year.
> > My husband came to almost every check up first time around (he's only
> > been to the ultrasound this time), was doting with massages, concerned
> > words, did most of the tasks - like walking the dog and cooking when I
> > was feeling fatigued.
> >
>
> I guess I'm a bit more independent. I don't see why my husband has to take
> time off his job, drive 1/2 hour for a 15 minute appointment and then drive
> back 1/2 hour to work. His work is as important as my pregnancy. DH did
> come with me for the 20 week US and amnio (I wasn't sure how I would react
> to the amnio, so I wanted him to drive).
>
> Jeanne
Bruce and Jeanne
> That is true. I guess I just get over emotional at times feeling sorry
> for myself when I compare the two pregnancies.
Oh. That would be the hormones kicking in, I guess.
>Most of the time I am
> fairly independent. My mom calls a couple times a month but I usually
> bring up my progress. She is probably the most interested though, at
> least she sounds interested and she is coming out after I have the
> baby.
Hmm...my mother usually asks how I'm doing, but I don't think she really
wants to know about all the details. To be honest, after 5 grandchildren,
she knows about pregnancies of daughters and daughters-in-law. While she's
happy about this sixth grandchild, it's hard for her to work up excitement
about my second pregnancy experience.
Now, OTOH, my younger brother's wife is also pregnant (she's due a month or
so after me) and we're all watching agog at *them* because it's a whole new
world to them. I'm still having a hard time picturing my younger brother as
a parent (or any type of person in authority). This should be fun to watch.
>I liked having my husband come to some of the checkups because
> it was an opportunity for us to have a babysitter and go to lunch
> together afterwards if he has time (which I believe he does - he goes
> out with co-worker friends to lunch 3 times a week for a couple
> hours). It's not that he has to hold my hand or anything, but we don't
> spend much time alone and it would show how interested he is in the
> new baby and me too.
I hear you. In my last job, I telecommuted twice a week and once a month,
DH and I would meet and take the afternoon off to have lunch together and
reconnect.
> Over dinner a couple nights ago (which we rarely
> eat together anymore) he suddenly said "I just realized today, in
> March we are going to have another baby!" I felt like rolling my eyes.
> It seemed it just dawned on him and he had not given it a thought
> recently until then. It annoys me a little because to me it is the
> most important thing that will happen to us this year.
>
When I was first pregnant (2-3 months), I would feign delicacy. You know,
"oh! honey, could you bring in the groceries because I'm pregnant, you
know". I used the phrase "...because I'm pregnant, you know" about 3,4,5
times a day. I think if I didn't, my husband would be much like yours.
Take care,
Jeanne
Maxixe
> > it was an opportunity for us to have a babysitter and go to lunch
> > together afterwards if he has time (which I believe he does - he goes
> > out with co-worker friends to lunch 3 times a week for a couple
> > hours). It's not that he has to hold my hand or anything, but we don't
> > spend much time alone and it would show how interested he is in the
> > new baby and me too.
>
> I hear you. In my last job, I telecommuted twice a week and once a month,
> DH and I would meet and take the afternoon off to have lunch together and
> reconnect.
>
I forgot to mention too that if he came to appointments I think he
would learn something about what I am dealing with. Things come up in
discussions with the doctor and I think it would be good for him to
know are common since I don't want to seem like I am complaining or a
hypochondriac around him. The first time around when we had that 21
week ultrasound and found out the sex he had planned to take the
afternoon off and we went and had a really great lunch together and
even bought a few baby (girl) clothes. It was exciting. We didn't get
to do that this time, I wish we had because it was nice to celebrate.
It just feels like there are other distractions this time. It's hard
to take the time to acknowledge the pregnancy milestones this time.
> When I was first pregnant (2-3 months), I would feign delicacy. You know,
> "oh! honey, could you bring in the groceries because I'm pregnant, you
> know". I used the phrase "...because I'm pregnant, you know" about 3,4,5
> times a day. I think if I didn't, my husband would be much like yours.
Last time he was good and he did a lot to help and make me feel
comfortable (of course we both worked then and probably a lot of men
equal working outside the house with REAL work and staying at home to
care for a child with LUXURY and leisure). Maybe that is why it is so
hard for me to swallow this time. I found out this time just how tough
I really am. Having another child already really is a challenge while
pregnant. I can't even imagine managing the life of more than one
under age 5 while pregnant. God help you if you are in that boat.
I ocassionally lift and carry my 47 lb. 3 1/2 year old daughter (to
put her in a grocery cart seat or in and out of the car seat, or out
of a store - during a major tantrum). Because I can do those things
(even though it sometimes feels like my belly is going to rip open one
of these times), my husband must assume that I can do anything.
Usually when I remind him I am pregnant (and therefore should be
excused from heavy carrying or strenuous activity) I am pretty angry
by then. We moved when I was 6 months pregnant and I have been so
frustrated about having to organize the place, arrange furniture and
move boxes myself. On days I do major housekeeping (and get a
babysitter) my husband expects a total transformation by the time he
comes home - errands run, paperwork and bills taken care of, a show
house level of order and cleanliness and he calls it "my day off". I
usually find myself feeling very resentful not to mention absolutely
exhausted, but I feel worse if I can't get it all done. I would really
like him to witness what I do from 7 am to 6 pm on that day (or any
other day for that matter) and then feel the physical effects of being
in the last trimester of a pregnancy. I know that would be a real
reality check for him, if only it could be arranged!