Need Advice: Breastfeeding with 3 older (13+) stepson's
mary.g....@census.gov
college) ages: 13, 13, 16 and 18. The boys reside with my husband and
I on a full-time basis. I have a good relationship with all of the
boys and they were actually quite excited when we told them that we
were going to have a baby (something we've been talking about since we
got married in 2003).
Anyhow, I was hoping that someone out there can offer me some advice
about breastfeeding with older children, specifically boys, around. My
husband isn't entirely supportive of it 'cause he thinks that
breastfeeding is an inconvenience. But I've been reading up and I told
him last night that I want to at least try breastfeeding because I feel
that the benefits highly outweigh the inconveniences. The only thing I
am really worried about is how to talk to the boys about it and/or if I
should consider not breastfeeding for the sake of their comfort because
I am afraid that they might feel weird about it. Of course, those of
you that have teenage boys know how they can be sometimes with sexual
type issues.
I feel like it's a natural thing though and I want to explain to them
the reasons why it's so important that I breastfeed. Of course, I
wouldn't be hanging out exposing myself everywhere but just the same I
want to be considerate of their feelings and am worried there's no real
way to balance the issue.
Any help or advice, especially from someone who may have experience
with a similar situation, is appreciated.
cjra
I think the best thing you can do for them is to breastfeed your new
baby and let them see it! Let them know it's the most natural thing in
the world, that it's what breasts are *for*.
Ericka Kammerer
> Anyhow, I was hoping that someone out there can offer me some advice
> about breastfeeding with older children, specifically boys, around. My
> husband isn't entirely supportive of it 'cause he thinks that
> breastfeeding is an inconvenience. But I've been reading up and I told
> him last night that I want to at least try breastfeeding because I feel
> that the benefits highly outweigh the inconveniences. The only thing I
> am really worried about is how to talk to the boys about it and/or if I
> should consider not breastfeeding for the sake of their comfort because
> I am afraid that they might feel weird about it. Of course, those of
> you that have teenage boys know how they can be sometimes with sexual
> type issues.
Okay, first things first, and repeat it as many times as
you, your husband, or your boys require until they get it:
BREASTFEEDING IS NOT SEXUAL. Second, the benefits of breastfeeding
are so overwhelming as to make it a no brainer that it's best
for the baby and best for you barring unusual situations. Third,
do you want to be a tacit supporter of the idea that breastfeeding
is "icky" and should be kept super private--an idea that causes
many women not to attempt breastfeeding or end it early (with all
the attendant health issues for those women and babies) because
they're so afraid of what others will think?
One of the best health benefits you can give your
baby is to breastfeed. One of the best health benefits
you can give *yourself* is to breastfeed (it provides a
rather dramatic reduction in breast cancer rates, for
example). One of the best things you can teach your
husband and your sons is that breastfeeding is a perfectly
normal activity that they *SHOULD* be comfortable with.
What better time than now to learn? When you have the
perfect teaching opportunity, why would you let them leave
your home believing that breastfeeding is so sexually
charged and taboo that their own mother couldn't even
nurse in their home in order to preserve their delicate
sensibilities?
> I feel like it's a natural thing though and I want to explain to them
> the reasons why it's so important that I breastfeed. Of course, I
> wouldn't be hanging out exposing myself everywhere but just the same I
> want to be considerate of their feelings and am worried there's no real
> way to balance the issue.
If they cannot tolerate your breastfeeding around
them, there is a serious problem that needs fixing. Do
you really want to send potential fathers out into the world
thinking that breastfeeding is so icky that women shouldn't
do it? Do their future wives and babies a favor! They
will come around. My first two boys were 8 and 6 when their
baby sister arrived, and 10 and 7 when I stopped breastfeeding.
There were never any issues. They are now 11 and 9 and are
not infrequently around other nursing mothers. It would
never occur to them to think there was anything wrong or
uncomfortable about it--and that's the way it should be.
It's one thing to argue that women should have the choice
to breastfeed or not, but to my way of thinking, there is
no rational argument to be made for why it's okay to send
adolescent boys the idea that breastfeeding is so
unimportant that it should be ditched in favor of protecting
their delicate sensibilities--which probably don't even
exist to any significant degree!
> Any help or advice, especially from someone who may have experience
> with a similar situation, is appreciated.
They will be fine. Whatever trauma they might
go through has already happened now that there's nearly
indisputable proof that you're having sex with their
father. They will deal with this just fine and will get
over any squeamishness quickly. What is more important
right now is that *you* get over *your* squeamishness.
Breastfeeding is not particularly inconvenient unless
you think that you have to be consigned to back rooms
and never leave the house to do it. There are
nursing moms everywhere. You've probably been
around many of them without even noticing that they
were nursing. You don't have to be an exhibitionist
to nurse, but at the same time, no one will be scarred
for life if they catch an occasional glimpse of skin
if something slips. This is normal and appropriate
behavior that should be encouraged.
Best wishes,
Ericka
mary.g....@census.gov
I'm not squeamish about the issue at all, and I know that feeding
your child is what breasts are really for...
But I also know it might be rather difficult to explain that to a 13 yo
boy. I certainly want them to know, understand, realize the intended
purpose for breasts and set a good example but I guess I'm just
afraid because of their age and they're not *my* children.
Unfortunately, society does set a "standard" and "boobs" are a
funny thing that little boys talk about. If they were a bit younger, or
mine, I would have no issue with it. To be honest, I don't really
have any issue with it, I was just wondering how others in the step-mom
role may have dealt with/approached it with their stepchildren.
Then, of course, I've got to really get my husband on the "same
page" with me so that he can enforce the normalcy that is
breastfeeding and not contribute to the phobia.
Rosalie B.
>Anyhow, I was hoping that someone out there can offer me some advice
>about breastfeeding with older children, specifically boys, around. My
>husband isn't entirely supportive of it 'cause he thinks that
>breastfeeding is an inconvenience. But I've been reading up and I told
>him last night that I want to at least try breastfeeding because I feel
>that the benefits highly outweigh the inconveniences. The only thing I
>am really worried about is how to talk to the boys about it and/or if I
>should consider not breastfeeding for the sake of their comfort because
>I am afraid that they might feel weird about it. Of course, those of
>you that have teenage boys know how they can be sometimes with sexual
>type issues.
>
>I feel like it's a natural thing though and I want to explain to them
>the reasons why it's so important that I breastfeed. Of course, I
>wouldn't be hanging out exposing myself everywhere but just the same I
>want to be considerate of their feelings and am worried there's no real
>way to balance the issue.
I bf all of my children, and even at home, I wasn't exposed very much,
especially when the kid was little. [When they got older, mine
sometimes stopped to interact (smile - play) but when they are very
little, mine concentrated on eating.] I was at a meeting one day, and
the baby needed to be fed, so I did it. Afterwards the lady sitting
next to me made some comment about that she was glad I wasn't one of
those people who bf. I didn't tell her that I'd been doing that right
next to her.
IMHO the person that is going to be the most problem is not your sons,
but your husband. If their father is on board with it, the boys
should be OK.
I did not have older boys around, but at one point my sister's
brother-in-law was TAD (Temporary Duty) down where we were, and he was
parking his boat and boat trailer in our driveway. (Dh helped him
lubricate the bearings and brakes on it.) He formed the habit of
hanging out at our house.
Now he was a young bachelor, and I didn't know him at all well. (He
was the youngest of my BIL's brothers).
We had one TV and it was in the living room. The Olympics were on (if
you want to know how long ago this was, it was the Olympics in Mexico
City), and I wanted to see them. I had three choices
- leave and bf in the bedroom and miss the Olympics
- tell him to leave (not very hospitable)
- bf in front of him.
I decided that it was my house, and I wouldn't be driven out of my own
living room, and that if he was uncomfortable with it, he could leave.
I didn't express this in words, but he basically ignored the whole
thing, so I don't know if he minded or not.
I had the advantage that this was my third child, so I was
experienced.
Irene
mary.g....@census.gov wrote:
> Thanks for the advice. I COMPLETELY agree with you about everything.
> I'm not squeamish about the issue at all, and I know that feeding
> your child is what breasts are really for...
>
> But I also know it might be rather difficult to explain that to a 13 yo
> boy. I certainly want them to know, understand, realize the intended
> purpose for breasts and set a good example but I guess I'm just
> afraid because of their age and they're not *my* children.
> Unfortunately, society does set a "standard" and "boobs" are a
> funny thing that little boys talk about. If they were a bit younger, or
> mine, I would have no issue with it. To be honest, I don't really
> have any issue with it, I was just wondering how others in the step-mom
> role may have dealt with/approached it with their stepchildren.
>
> Then, of course, I've got to really get my husband on the "same
> page" with me so that he can enforce the normalcy that is
> breastfeeding and not contribute to the phobia.
>
I just want to say, best wishes for bf'ing your new baby! I don't have
any specific advice for discussing bf with 13 yo boys - most of my
discussions have been with much younger or older people. I have bf
around teenage relatives a few times, and didn't have any issues - they
simply averted their eyes or moved away if they were uncomfortable.
But, they were my cousins' kids, or dh's cousins' kids, so not nearly
the same type of relationship. It was also after I had gotten through
the initial learning curve. You will likely find that at first, you
will need to expose your breast a bit simply to be able to see the baby
latch on (and then you can cover up). Later, once baby and you get
more accustomed to bf, you will probably be able to turn aside and
latch on very discreetly, if you so choose.
I will say it is probably likely that teenage boys will be embarrassed
- but it's a healthy type of thing for them to learn. Since I don't
know your step-sons, I don't know the best way to approach them. Maybe
leave some books about nursing lying around for them to find and read?
I've heard So That's What They're For is a good, non-preachy book (by
Janet Tomaro, iirc) - maybe someone else can say whether they think it
would be good for teenage boys? (I haven't read it, I've just seen it
recommended frequently) I don't know if that is better than trying to
sit them down and talk about it, because that seems like you would be
setting yourself up for thinking it is a big deal, iykwim?
(Ok, I guess I had more ideas than I originally thought I did!)
(And of course, I agree with everything Ericka so eloquently said!)
Irene
Nan
>Then, of course, I've got to really get my husband on the "same
>page" with me so that he can enforce the normalcy that is
>breastfeeding and not contribute to the phobia.
You might ask him what exactly, is inconvenient about breastfeeding,
in his mind? After all, it's not as if he's going to have to do it
;-)
Point out to him just how *convenient* it will be. No bottles to
fiddle with, no boiling water or mixing formula, no *buying* formula
which is pretty expensive, no toting bottles on outings or worrying
that the formula stays fresh, etc.
Nan
Irrational Number
>
> Anyhow, I was hoping that someone out there can offer me some advice
> about breastfeeding with older children, specifically boys, around.
The first couple of weeks, breastfeed in your bedroom
so that they don't see you naked from the waist up
for hours at a time while you learn how to breastfeed.
With DS#1, I didn't know how to BF with a bra on and
I was so exhausted that I didn't care, but there were
only DH and my mom around.
Then, practice breastfeeding in front of the mirror so
that you don't show too much flesh. Yes, BF is natural
and good, but you don't have to flash everyone all the
time. ;)
And then, just do it as if it's the most natural thing
in the world!
I have BFed in front of DH's teenage cousins at the
family reunion. Of course, they were not my stepsons,
but they were 14- and 11-year-old boys. I actually
don't even recall wondering what they would think
about it and I don't think they even cared.
-- Anita --
Sarah Vaughan
> Okay, first things first, and repeat it as many times as
> you, your husband, or your boys require until they get it:
> BREASTFEEDING IS NOT SEXUAL.
Actually, I wouldn't start saying to them that BREASTFEEDING IS NOT
SEXUAL unless there seems to be some specific reason to make it an
issue. While I have very limited experience with teenage boys, I
strongly suspect that they'll be far more uncomfortable with their
stepmother making a big speech about how BREASTFEEDING IS NOT SEXUAL
than they would with you breastfeeding.
What I would do is this: Make sure the fact that you're going to be
breastfeeding gets mentioned at some point before the birth, but, if you
possibly can, do this in a way that works naturally into the
conversation. "Got to go out and buy some more baby supplies this
weekend - what do we still need? Let's see - at least we don't have to
worry about getting more than one or two bottles, since I'll be
breastfeeding." "The antenatal class was cool. I got some good advice
about breastfeeding, and it looks as though that's going to go OK." Get
the picture? Probably better if they're aware - but definitely better
_not_ to make a big thing out of it.
Then, after the birth, just go ahead and breastfeed. If they look
awkward about it, try to ignore that and continue to act as if it was
natural. (It can be an awkward moment for _anyone_ at first. My family
were all completely pro-breastfeeding and would probably have been
astonished and shocked if I hadn't breastfed, but when it came to the
actual reality of sitting there and talking to me while I breastfed, my
mother and sister were incredibly awkward the first time it happened. I
still remember how acutely uncomfortable it was to sit there with the
two of them staring at me as though I was a zoo exhibit while making
stilted must-try-to-act-natural conversation. A few days down the line,
they were used to it and nobody cared any more. The same may very well
be true for your boys - don't read too much into it or get too worried
if they need a little time to get used to it. Acting natural and not
saying anything is probably a much better way to get it to seem natural
than making a big deal out of it.)
If it really seems to be a problem that isn't going away, you may have
to discuss it. And this may even be something you can do as a joke,
depending on how they raise their objections - if one of them complains
loudly that it's ICKY, then just grin at him and make some teasing
comment. If you really do feel that one of them is having a lot of
difficulty with it, have a gentle chat with him at a private moment.
But don't assume that this is going to be necessary - just act as though
breastfeeding is the natural and obvious thing to do, and see whether
they'll accept that.
All the best,
Sarah
--
http://www.goodenoughmummy.typepad.com
"That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be" - P. C. Hodgell
Anne Rogers
> You might ask him what exactly, is inconvenient about breastfeeding,
> in his mind? After all, it's not as if he's going to have to do it
> ;-)
> Point out to him just how *convenient* it will be. No bottles to
> fiddle with, no boiling water or mixing formula, no *buying* formula
> which is pretty expensive, no toting bottles on outings or worrying
> that the formula stays fresh, etc.
absolutely there is no way that a bloke can consider breastfeeding
inconvenient, it's definitely more convenient for them! He may be saying it
out of concern for the women and he does have a point, breastfeeding can be
very tieing, but it's all about attitude, heck, I'm the child's mother I'm
going to have to look after them whatever way I feed them, breastfeeding
infants are fairly portable anyway and there is aways pumping and bottles
for special occasions (though if you want to do that, you do usually need to
get them started on bottles in a timely fashion, usually about 4-6 weeks).
To the OP, I realise these are not your kids, so I can see you are concerned
about how you are going to explain things to them, but presumably they
either already know about how babies are made, or this pregnancy has raised
questions? If they already know about how babies are made, there are likely
to have some vague awareness of the existance of breastfeeding. I know the
book that I had from fairly young about "how the body works" had conception
on one page, then pregnancy and the next had a picture of women
breastfeeding, chances are they have done something about it at school and
without having gone into any details, they will have some awareness that
that is how mammals feed there young.
I suppose there are two approaches, one is doing it face to face, bring it
up in conversation as a general baby care issue, "have you thought about
what the baby eats?", "where does the babies milk come from?", talk about it
as if it is the most normal thing in the world, because it is! I would
totally understand if that is not a conversation you want to have, so there
is the other approach of finding a decent book (others have suggested some)
and leaving it lieing around. Oh and there is one final idea, don't even
mention it, just do it, which makes it seem all the more normal, I'd be very
surprised if they would dare make a comment even if they wanted to!
Cheers
Anne
Mary Ann
Congratulations :-)
> and I have 4 stepson's (one away at
> college) ages: 13, 13, 16 and 18. The boys reside with my husband and
> I on a full-time basis. I have a good relationship with all of the
> boys and they were actually quite excited when we told them that we
> were going to have a baby (something we've been talking about since we
> got married in 2003).
It seems like the arrival will be a very happy event.
>
> Anyhow, I was hoping that someone out there can offer me some advice
> about breastfeeding with older children, specifically boys, around. My
> husband isn't entirely supportive of it 'cause he thinks that
> breastfeeding is an inconvenience.
In what way? You need to be more specific so we can advise.
> But I've been reading up and I told
> him last night that I want to at least try breastfeeding because I feel
> that the benefits highly outweigh the inconveniences.
No question.
> The only thing I
> am really worried about is how to talk to the boys about it and/or if I
> should consider not breastfeeding for the sake of their comfort because
> I am afraid that they might feel weird about it. Of course, those of
> you that have teenage boys know how they can be sometimes with sexual
> type issues.
I certainly don't think you should consider not BF because of what you
are afraid of in this respect. I do however think it is good you are
thinking about these things now. You will need the support of all your
family.
If they have never seen a woman BF they and you may feel uncomfortable.
I was certainly a little uncomfortable to start with when BF infront of
my father, brother and FIL, only because they had never seen my
breasts. As my confidence grew I became more comfortable.
> I feel like it's a natural thing though and I want to explain to them
> the reasons why it's so important that I breastfeed. Of course, I
> wouldn't be hanging out exposing myself everywhere but just the same I
> want to be considerate of their feelings and am worried there's no real
> way to balance the issue.
I think you need to talk to them about it. Without knowing what sort of
relationship you have with them, it's hard to say whether it would be
better for the whole family to sit together, or whether it's just you
and one or more of the boys, or whether their father speaks to them
first.
If I were you I wouldn't talk to them as if you were asking for
permission if you know what I mean, but tell them you are going to BF
and you're happy to answer questions.
> Any help or advice, especially from someone who may have experience
> with a similar situation, is appreciated.
Mary Ann
Frisbee®
news:1158669410.8...@d34g2000cwd.googlegroups.com...
Okay, for what it's worth, here's the opinion of a guy...
I've read a few of the replies in this thread, and while I agree that you
should definitely breastfeed (my wife breast-fed our twins), it should
definitely be done in private.
One reply highlighted that breast-feeding is not sexual. While you are
correct in that statement, these are teenage boys who are NOT blood-related
to "step-mom." It -will- be sexual to them. It's sometimes uncomfortable
enough for a teenage boy to see his biological mother breastfeeding, but in
the case of mom being step-mom, the guilt of ogling your own mother's
breasts is not there, she's not related. While I don't think this would
mess them up, so to speak, it's still a pretty good idea to be as discrete
about this as possible.
I hope this is taken in the way I intended.
sfu...@hotmail.com
> The first couple of weeks, breastfeed in your bedroom
> so that they don't see you naked from the waist up
> for hours at a time while you learn how to breastfeed.
> With DS#1, I didn't know how to BF with a bra on and
> I was so exhausted that I didn't care, but there were
> only DH and my mom around.
My stepsons were 12 and 11 when I gave birth to my son, and the advice
above is just what I did. While I was getting the hang of
breastfeeding, I excused myself and went upstairs to my bedroom to
nurse, which is what I did when *anyone* but my husband was present for
those first few weeks. After I grew more comfortable with it, I
started nursing in front of my stepsons (who didn't live with us
full-time, but were with us on weekends and school holidays).
My stepsons had been around extended family on their mother's side who
breastfed so it wasn't that big a deal for them. The 11 year old
couldn't have cared less and ignored what I was doing. I did have a
couple of occasions with the 12 year old when he came over to look -- I
know it wasn't to see my breasts, but it was that he was very involved
(you could say overly-involved) with his new baby brother and wanted to
see what the baby was doing all the time. The second time, he saw a
lot more than he was bargaining for, backed off, and never snuck a peek
again.
I have a girlfriend who breastfed all of her babies in front of her two
stepsons (both of whom lived with her full-time) and she was a bit
worried at first (as was I) but she didn't have any problems. It
really gets to be boring and old news with them very quickly.
I think a supportive husband would make a world of difference, so get
DH on board, and best wishes.
-Stephanie
Sandie Hudson
>> > husband isn't entirely supportive of it 'cause he thinks that
>> > breastfeeding is an inconvenience. But I've been reading up and I told
>> > him last night that I want to at least try breastfeeding because I feel
>> > that the benefits highly outweigh the inconveniences.
I'm afraid I just don't see what is inconvenient about BF. Bottles to clean,
fill, store, warm, etc. Now that is inconvenient.
Covering yourself discreetly and breast feeding your baby almost anytime,
almost anywhere. What could be more convenient?
Sandie
Ericka Kammerer
> Thanks for the advice. I COMPLETELY agree with you about everything.
> I'm not squeamish about the issue at all, and I know that feeding
> your child is what breasts are really for...
>
> But I also know it might be rather difficult to explain that to a 13 yo
> boy.
I think you are underestimating them, truly.
> I certainly want them to know, understand, realize the intended
> purpose for breasts and set a good example but I guess I'm just
> afraid because of their age and they're not *my* children.
> Unfortunately, society does set a "standard" and "boobs" are a
> funny thing that little boys talk about. If they were a bit younger, or
> mine, I would have no issue with it. To be honest, I don't really
> have any issue with it, I was just wondering how others in the step-mom
> role may have dealt with/approached it with their stepchildren.
>
> Then, of course, I've got to really get my husband on the "same
> page" with me so that he can enforce the normalcy that is
> breastfeeding and not contribute to the phobia.
Absolutely. That will be key. But truly, I think
you will find that this is no nearly as big a deal as you
imagine. If you need some resources explaining why
breastfeeding is a good idea, this might help:
http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/baby/babybreastfeed/8910.html
http://www.lalecheleague.org/NB/NBJulAug01p124.html
http://www.hbns.org/getDocument.cfm?documentID=1300
http://www.chw.org/display/PPF/DocID/35498/router.asp
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Breastfeeding#Benefits
I'm sure there are many more--that's just a quick search.
Also, given that you are hoping to breastfeed
in what may be a less than ideally supportive situation,
you should probably take extra care to become as
educated as you can. There are so very many misconceptions
about breastfeeding, and they lead many women to incorrectly
believe that they're not producing enough milk or even to
take actions that sabotage the success of breastfeeding.
Sadly, all too many people in healthcare are also
underinformed about breastfeeding, so you can't always
count on them to give you accurate information. Having
good information and finding some friends who have
successfully breastfed (and hanging around on
m.k.b and m.k.p) will give you a much better likelihood
of success.
Best wishes,
Ericka
Ericka Kammerer
> mary.g....@census.gov wrote:
>> I am about 3 months pregnant and I have 4 stepson's (one away at
>> college) ages: 13, 13, 16 and 18. [...]
>>
>> Anyhow, I was hoping that someone out there can offer me some advice
>> about breastfeeding with older children, specifically boys, around.
>
> The first couple of weeks, breastfeed in your bedroom
> so that they don't see you naked from the waist up
> for hours at a time while you learn how to breastfeed.
> With DS#1, I didn't know how to BF with a bra on and
> I was so exhausted that I didn't care, but there were
> only DH and my mom around.
This can certainly happen, and you may want some
privacy if it does, but I just wanted to add the encouraging
note that it doesn't always take that much time or
difficulty.
> Then, practice breastfeeding in front of the mirror so
> that you don't show too much flesh. Yes, BF is natural
> and good, but you don't have to flash everyone all the
> time. ;)
And this is also not all that challenging to do.
You'll find out what works best for you. Towards the
end of pregnancy, invest in a good nursing bra or two
(remember to allow a little room for growth) and practice
opening and closing it one handed. Have a nursing
nightgown and/or some nursing tops, but many women find
that a loose t-shirt works very well. Don't invest a
lot before you figure out what sort of bras and clothing
work best for you, because different women have
different preferences.
Don't worry too much--by the time your baby's
a month old, you'll be wondering why you were so worried
about any of it ;-)
Best wishes,
Ericka
Rose Garten
Before you need to worry about what your stepsons think you need to work
on what your husband thinks. I planned on bottle feeding DD because it
was all that I knew. DH suggested breast feeding and I started to look
into it. I decided to try it for at least the 6 weeks that I was home.
I ended up going almost a year and cried when I decided to stop.
As to your husband saying it is inconvenient, I had to switch to bottle
three times for medical reasons. I found it infinitely easier to breast
feed. Getting up to make a bottle was such a pain. It was much
easier to just lift my shirt. In my own home (with no strangers
present) I did not cover up. Out in public or in others homes I covered
up or went to a different room. I remember one time at my in laws motor
home my FIL got up and left when I started to feed DD even though I was
covered up. I was concerned and offered to feed in the bedroom. My MIL
got upset and said he would agree with her that the baby came first and
that I should not have to hide something that was completely natural.
I know that none of this answers the questions about your stepsons but
if you are supported by their father in this then they will learn to
deal with it. Since they are not blood I would recommend discretion and
not just "whip a boob out" in front of them but I wouldn't hide in the
bedroom either. The suggestion of practicing in private was a good
idea. With time you should be able to BF without very little to-do. I
used to work early mornings and would meet DH and DD at synagogue
saturday mornings. DD would be hungry and I would nurse her in the back
row. More that once the Rabbi came around behind us to say hello and
would beat a quick retreat when he realized what I was doing. Again all
of this was with complete coverage. When DD got old enough to pull the
blanket off I no longer fed out in public because I was not comfortable
with it. That was my choice though and by then DD was old enough to be
fed other foods to tide her over if there wasn't a place I was
comfortable with nursing.
Good luck in what ever you decide.
Banty
mary.g....@census.gov says...
>
>Thanks for the advice. I COMPLETELY agree with you about everything.
>I'm not squeamish about the issue at all, and I know that feeding
>your child is what breasts are really for...
>
>But I also know it might be rather difficult to explain that to a 13 yo
>boy. I certainly want them to know, understand, realize the intended
>purpose for breasts and set a good example but I guess I'm just
>afraid because of their age and they're not *my* children.
>Unfortunately, society does set a "standard" and "boobs" are a
>funny thing that little boys talk about. If they were a bit younger, or
>mine, I would have no issue with it. To be honest, I don't really
>have any issue with it, I was just wondering how others in the step-mom
>role may have dealt with/approached it with their stepchildren.
>
Thirteen year old boys? I *have* one of those at *home*! He's increased in
size beyond my own and I ain't exactly tiny, and he's grown hair wherever hair
can possibly grow that I can see, as well as (I presume) where I can't see, so I
can fully understand how 13 year old boys may appear to the unprepared as a
monster. But believe me they're really not! ;-)
Thirteen year old boys may be adolescent males, but they are not dumb or without
insight and understanding. And they're still kids! A little ordinary
discretion (like a light receiving blanket thrown over your front while you set
up) is all that's necessary for the sake of a need for modesty. Sorta like you
throw a robe or pj's on (depending on your in-bed state of being ;) when you
get up in the morning so as not to parade naked. No big deal, but no need to
put on a full day's dressing gear either.
So go about it matter of factly and cheerfully, taking some simple measures of
modesty for the sake of the situation, answering whatever questions are halfway
well meant, and you'll be set.
>Then, of course, I've got to really get my husband on the "same
>page" with me so that he can enforce the normalcy that is
>breastfeeding and not contribute to the phobia.
>
Sometimes folks just have to grow up and get used to things like that. At least
one male in your household needs to be required by you to be a grown up.
Cheers,
Banty
Ericka Kammerer
> I've read a few of the replies in this thread, and while I agree that you
> should definitely breastfeed (my wife breast-fed our twins), it should
> definitely be done in private.
I understand your intentions are good, but do you
understand the repercussions of this statement? It most
definitely makes breastfeeding a difficult and isolating
chore for women. Many babies spend quite a lot of time at
the breast. You cannot always predict when they will need
to eat. Breastfeeding only in private means that most women
will give up breastfeeding early because they're going stir
crazy and are unable to carry on with their lives because
they can't go anywhere for fear that they'll be caught out
in public when they need to nurse. (And believe me, public
restrooms and such are *NOT* an acceptable alternative most
of the time.) So, keeping it in private is an absolutely
unacceptable solution, in my opinion. I've spent about
four years of my life breastfeeding, and breastfed in
public whenever necessary or convenient for all of it.
I never got a single dirty look or comment. It is entirely
possible to breastfeed discreetly in public. Anyone who's
seeing too much when a woman is breastfeeding discreetly
is actively looking for trouble.
> One reply highlighted that breast-feeding is not sexual. While you are
> correct in that statement, these are teenage boys who are NOT blood-related
> to "step-mom." It -will- be sexual to them.
I don't believe that's necessarily true. I'm sure it'll
be odd and maybe even uncomfortable at first, but they will very
quickly get to the point that they don't give a rip and just
want to make sure baby gets fed and stops fussing quickly.
> It's sometimes uncomfortable
> enough for a teenage boy to see his biological mother breastfeeding, but in
> the case of mom being step-mom, the guilt of ogling your own mother's
> breasts is not there, she's not related.
I don't buy that either. I suspect most step-sons would
feel guilty about ogling, but you know what? There's a *really*
easy cure for that. They can choose not to ogle.
> While I don't think this would
> mess them up, so to speak, it's still a pretty good idea to be as discrete
> about this as possible.
I would definitely agree that discretion is appropriate.
However, saying a woman must avoid breastfeeding in public AND
ALSO in her own home whenever one of four family members happens
to be around is just way beyond the pale in my opinion. I can't
imagine hardly anyone breastfeeding beyond a week or two under
those circumstances. Who'd want to live like that? I just don't
think you can claim to be "supportive" of breastfeeding on the
one hand, and then impose so many restrictions on it that practically
no sane person would continue to do it. One of the things
many women need the most after having a baby is support and
companionship. Handing her a baby that needs to eat frequently
(and possible for long stretches of time) and then telling her
to go away every time she needs to nurse can have lots of
negative consequences.
Best wishes,
Ericka
npa...@indiana.edu
Anne Rogers wrote:
).
>
> To the OP, I realise these are not your kids, so I can see you are concerned
> about how you are going to explain things to them, but presumably they
> either already know about how babies are made, or this pregnancy has raised
> questions? If they already know about how babies are made, there are likely
> to have some vague awareness of the existance of breastfeeding. I know the
> book that I had from fairly young about "how the body works" had conception
> on one page, then pregnancy and the next had a picture of women
> breastfeeding, chances are they have done something about it at school and
> without having gone into any details, they will have some awareness that
> that is how mammals feed there young.
>
> I suppose there are two approaches, one is doing it face to face, bring it
> up in conversation as a general baby care issue, "have you thought about
> what the baby eats?", "where does the babies milk come from?", talk about it
> as if it is the most normal thing in the world, because it is!
I don't think this approach would be a great one for most 13 and 16
year olds. They KNOW where babies come from. They also know, on an
intellectual level, that women produce milk in their breasts.
I would
> totally understand if that is not a conversation you want to have, so there
> is the other approach of finding a decent book (others have suggested some)
> and leaving it lieing around. Oh and there is one final idea, don't even
> mention it, just do it, which makes it seem all the more normal, I'd be very
> surprised if they would dare make a comment even if they wanted to!
This is the one that makes the most sense to me.
Maybe I'm wrong here (having a teen-age daughter, and a teenage
daughter who has ALWAYS known what breasts are for!), but I think the
best approach to to say something much about it. Just as you are
unlikely to be discussing the details of whether or not you have an
epidural, or use cloth/disposible diapers, how you feed the baby is, on
most levels, not really their concern. If they ask about it (why
haven't you bought bottles yet? What kind of formula do you need?) you
say, "Oh, I'll be breastfeeding the new baby. Otherwise, you just do
it. (I think it makes sense to be a bit discreet about it initially,
just as you might be with any other non-intimate family member, but
there's certainly no reason to hide.)
Naomi
>
> Cheers
>
> Anne
Frisbee®
news:nbudncfJWoZRk43Y...@comcast.com...
> FrisbeeŽ wrote:
>
>> I've read a few of the replies in this thread, and while I agree that you
>> should definitely breastfeed (my wife breast-fed our twins), it should
>> definitely be done in private.
>
> I understand your intentions are good, but do you
> understand the repercussions of this statement?
I phrased it poorly.
> It most
> definitely makes breastfeeding a difficult and isolating
> chore for women.
That was not my intention.
> Many babies spend quite a lot of time at
> the breast. You cannot always predict when they will need
> to eat. Breastfeeding only in private means that most women
> will give up breastfeeding early because they're going stir
> crazy and are unable to carry on with their lives because
> they can't go anywhere for fear that they'll be caught out
> in public when they need to nurse. (And believe me, public
> restrooms and such are *NOT* an acceptable alternative most
> of the time.) So, keeping it in private is an absolutely
> unacceptable solution, in my opinion. I've spent about
> four years of my life breastfeeding, and breastfed in
> public whenever necessary or convenient for all of it.
> I never got a single dirty look or comment. It is entirely
> possible to breastfeed discreetly in public. Anyone who's
> seeing too much when a woman is breastfeeding discreetly
> is actively looking for trouble.
I should note that I was referring ONLY to the situation at home. As far as
BF in public, screw the people that can't handle that. My point is meant to
be directly applied to this particular home situation.
>> One reply highlighted that breast-feeding is not sexual. While you are
>> correct in that statement, these are teenage boys who are NOT
>> blood-related to "step-mom." It -will- be sexual to them.
>
> I don't believe that's necessarily true. I'm sure it'll
> be odd and maybe even uncomfortable at first, but they will very
> quickly get to the point that they don't give a rip and just
> want to make sure baby gets fed and stops fussing quickly.
As a teenager, it would not have been odd or uncomfortable to me. It would
have been VERY sexually arousing. I'm not kidding. At thirteen, (or for
that matter, eighteen), I'd have made any excuse to watch it. Watching my
own wife (who googles my posts) BF our twins was quite arousing. While I
believe that for a majority of men BF-ing in general is a turn-off, there
are many of us for whom it is a turn-on. But even for teens for whom the
BF-ing act itself might be a turn-off, I doubt very many teenage boys (who
are straight) would miss out on an opportunity to see bared breasts. This
is all I'm saying. Again, in public, you know what you're dealing with in
that it is what it is. Discretion is always a good idea, when possible
(when not possible, screw 'em!) but it would be, in my humble opinion, even
more important when BF-ing in front of teenagers that are not your own kids.
Unless you don't mind that you very well may have caused some "stirrings."
Believe me, I'm not a prude, but I know how I would react in that situation
(as a teenage boy).
>> It's sometimes uncomfortable enough for a teenage boy to see his
>> biological mother breastfeeding, but in the case of mom being step-mom,
>> the guilt of ogling your own mother's breasts is not there, she's not
>> related.
>
> I don't buy that either. I suspect most step-sons would
> feel guilty about ogling, but you know what? There's a *really*
> easy cure for that. They can choose not to ogle.
They can certainly choose not to ogle, but since you've never experienced
the raging hormones that most teenage boys experience, I doubt you'd
understand the incredible self-control that would require. I'm not saying
that's right, I am saying it's natural, however.
>> While I don't think this would mess them up, so to speak, it's still a
>> pretty good idea to be as discrete about this as possible.
>
> I would definitely agree that discretion is appropriate.
> However, saying a woman must avoid breastfeeding in public AND
> ALSO in her own home whenever one of four family members happens
> to be around is just way beyond the pale in my opinion. I can't
> imagine hardly anyone breastfeeding beyond a week or two under
> those circumstances. Who'd want to live like that? I just don't
> think you can claim to be "supportive" of breastfeeding on the
> one hand, and then impose so many restrictions on it that practically
> no sane person would continue to do it. One of the things
> many women need the most after having a baby is support and
> companionship. Handing her a baby that needs to eat frequently
> (and possible for long stretches of time) and then telling her
> to go away every time she needs to nurse can have lots of
> negative consequences.
I'm not imposing any restrictions. I am merely suggesting that the mother
be as discrete as possible. It's not like the consequences are
life-threatening if she can't be discrete, and again, I am emphasizing the
importance only at home and only because of her special situation. You're
implying I'm a hippocrate. I am merely offering some suggestion to help
avoid some potentially uncomfortable situations because having once been a
teenage boy, I can anticipate what the reaction will most likely be of her
step-sons. I am 100% behind breast-feeding, for many reasons, admitedly
some of them even selfish, but most importantly for the health of the
children. Yet at the same time, whenever one -can- avoid offending people,
or in this case, arousing people, one should strive to do so if possible.
If it's not possible, then forget about it. Baby comes first.
Is that any clearer?
-L.
Frisbee® wrote:
>
> I'm not imposing any restrictions. I am merely suggesting that the mother
> be as discrete as possible.
They'll never get it. You are wasting your breath.
-L.
Stephanie
"Frisbee®" <billLA...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:451003aa$0$97277$892e...@authen.yellow.readfreenews.net...
Should they be taught by implication that they are correct? Or should their
faulty impression be corrected?
Jamie Clark
> Thanks for the advice. I COMPLETELY agree with you about everything.
> I'm not squeamish about the issue at all, and I know that feeding
> your child is what breasts are really for...
>
> But I also know it might be rather difficult to explain that to a 13
> yo boy. I certainly want them to know, understand, realize the
> intended purpose for breasts and set a good example but I guess I'm
> just
> afraid because of their age and they're not *my* children.
> Unfortunately, society does set a "standard" and "boobs" are a
> funny thing that little boys talk about. If they were a bit younger,
> or mine, I would have no issue with it. To be honest, I don't really
> have any issue with it, I was just wondering how others in the
> step-mom role may have dealt with/approached it with their
> stepchildren.
>
> Then, of course, I've got to really get my husband on the "same
> page" with me so that he can enforce the normalcy that is
> breastfeeding and not contribute to the phobia.
>
But it's not any more difficult to explain to a teenage boy what
breastfeeding is all about, whether he is yours by birth or not. Perhaps
this is obvious, but sit and think about how you'd explain it to him/them if
they were yours by birth. How would you do it, and what words would you
use. Think about what tone you'd take, and how you would explain it, then
pretend that they are all biologically yours, and sit them down and explain
it to them. It's pretty straight forrward. I'd have you and your husband
and all the boys sit down together, and be very straightforward. "Breasts
are a sexual thing in our society, but they are also, first and formost, for
feeding babies. Breasts make milk, and babies feed from them. I'm going to
be breastfeeding the new baby, and you might be uncomfortable with the idea
at first, but you will get used to it, because it is a natural thing. I
will make an effort to be discrete, but at some point you may catch a
glimpse of my skin, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you have any
questions or want to talk about it in more detail, I'd be happy to talk to
you some more. In the meantime, here are some books that talk about
breastfeeding and show some photos. Feel free to look at them. I'm here if
you want to talk."
It's really not that difficult or complicated.
--
Jamie
Earth Angels:
Taylor Marlys, 1/3/03
Addison Grace, 9/30/04
Check out the family! -- www.MyFamily.com, User ID: Clarkguest1,
Password: Guest Become a member for free - go to Add Member to set up
your own User ID and Password
Frisbee®
news:wgVPg.2937$Se.119@trndny03...
> "FrisbeeŽ" <billLA...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
> news:451003aa$0$97277$892e...@authen.yellow.readfreenews.net...
>> One reply highlighted that breast-feeding is not sexual. While you are
>> correct in that statement, these are teenage boys who are NOT
>> blood-related to "step-mom." It -will- be sexual to them.
>
> Should they be taught by implication that they are correct? Or should
> their faulty impression be corrected?
Okay, so you're going to tell the teenage boys that they should not become
aroused by seeing your breasts? I seriously doubt that this will reverse
the physical effects. Certainly you can tell them to not ogle, if that's
what you mean. But I doubt you're going to change the fact that it's erotic
to them.
I'm really surprised that nobody seems to be getting my point. Should all
of us men be ashamed of what arouses us? Should teenagers be expected to
control their urges, or seemingly their thoughts?
Will I regret getting into this conversation?
Stay tooned!
(I wonder what my googling wife is thinking of my posts so far.)
Banty
npa...@indiana.edu says...
>
>
>Anne Rogers wrote:
>).
>>
>> To the OP, I realise these are not your kids, so I can see you are concerned
>> about how you are going to explain things to them, but presumably they
>> either already know about how babies are made, or this pregnancy has raised
>> questions? If they already know about how babies are made, there are likely
>> to have some vague awareness of the existance of breastfeeding. I know the
>> book that I had from fairly young about "how the body works" had conception
>> on one page, then pregnancy and the next had a picture of women
>> breastfeeding, chances are they have done something about it at school and
>> without having gone into any details, they will have some awareness that
>> that is how mammals feed there young.
>>
>> I suppose there are two approaches, one is doing it face to face, bring it
>> up in conversation as a general baby care issue, "have you thought about
>> what the baby eats?", "where does the babies milk come from?", talk about it
>> as if it is the most normal thing in the world, because it is!
>
>I don't think this approach would be a great one for most 13 and 16
>year olds. They KNOW where babies come from. They also know, on an
>intellectual level, that women produce milk in their breasts.
>
LOL - right. They'd be pretty put off by anything that sounded like The Big
Talk.
If anything, the tack I'd take, if they seemed suprised or gicked out or
anything like that, would be to smile and say something like "Um, you ARE aware
humans are mammals."
Banty
Ericka Kammerer
> I'm not imposing any restrictions. I am merely suggesting that the mother
> be as discrete as possible. It's not like the consequences are
> life-threatening if she can't be discrete, and again, I am emphasizing the
> importance only at home and only because of her special situation. You're
> implying I'm a hippocrate. I am merely offering some suggestion to help
> avoid some potentially uncomfortable situations because having once been a
> teenage boy, I can anticipate what the reaction will most likely be of her
> step-sons. I am 100% behind breast-feeding, for many reasons, admitedly
> some of them even selfish, but most importantly for the health of the
> children. Yet at the same time, whenever one -can- avoid offending people,
> or in this case, arousing people, one should strive to do so if possible.
> If it's not possible, then forget about it. Baby comes first.
>
> Is that any clearer?
I think so. If you're saying that it would be a
good idea not to walk around half naked breastfeeding at
home in front of the step-sons, I would agree with that.
I interpreted your saying that it should be done "in private"
at home to mean that mom couldn't feed the baby in front
of the step-sons, which I would consider an extreme
and unwarranted requirement. Just saying she ought not
strip down to her skivvies to nurse certainly makes sense.
As far as the arousal issue goes, I think it is
whatever it is. I wouldn't go around being deliberately
provocative, but honestly, if it was a requirement to
avoid anything that might arouse teenaged boys, well, I'm
pretty sure the world would have to come to a screeching
halt ;-) I think at some point, they just have to become
capable of dealing with the realities of everyday life,
which includes step-mom nursing their sibling with some
reasonable degree of discretion. I'm pretty sure they'll
cope.
Best wishes,
Ericka
cjra
Frisbee® wrote:
> "Stephanie" <m...@iwishicoud.net> wrote in message
> news:wgVPg.2937$Se.119@trndny03...
> > news:451003aa$0$97277$892e...@authen.yellow.readfreenews.net...
> >> One reply highlighted that breast-feeding is not sexual. While you are
> >> correct in that statement, these are teenage boys who are NOT
> >> blood-related to "step-mom." It -will- be sexual to them.
> >
> > Should they be taught by implication that they are correct? Or should
> > their faulty impression be corrected?
>
> Okay, so you're going to tell the teenage boys that they should not become
> aroused by seeing your breasts?
Don't teenaged boys get aroused by *everything*? That's basically what
most men willing to admit it claim...
I seriously doubt that this will reverse
> the physical effects. Certainly you can tell them to not ogle, if that's
> what you mean. But I doubt you're going to change the fact that it's erotic
> to them.
I'm willing to bet it's more likely to be 'gross' to them than erotic.
(I have a handful of teenage nephews dealing with these raging hormones
right now)
> I'm really surprised that nobody seems to be getting my point. Should all
> of us men be ashamed of what arouses us? Should teenagers be expected to
> control their urges, or seemingly their thoughts?
Not at all. Why should they? They should control their responses to
those urges, but urges themselves? they're natural. I just don't think
it's very likely they're turned on by the site of their step mom
breastfeeding. In fact, it will probably turn them off boobs for awhile.
Ericka Kammerer
> I should note that I was referring ONLY to the situation at home. As far as
> BF in public, screw the people that can't handle that. My point is meant to
> be directly applied to this particular home situation.
Oops, I forgot to mention--this sort of seems like an
odd dichotomy to me. The boys should be expected to deal with
the sight of someone else nursing in public, but not with the
sight of their step-mother nursing at home? I'm a little
confused about that. Why the difference?
Best wishes,
Ericka
cjra
Jamie Clark wrote:
>
> But it's not any more difficult to explain to a teenage boy what
> breastfeeding is all about, whether he is yours by birth or not. Perhaps
> this is obvious, but sit and think about how you'd explain it to him/them if
> they were yours by birth. How would you do it, and what words would you
> use. Think about what tone you'd take, and how you would explain it, then
> pretend that they are all biologically yours, and sit them down and explain
> it to them. It's pretty straight forrward. I'd have you and your husband
> and all the boys sit down together, and be very straightforward. "Breasts
> are a sexual thing in our society, but they are also, first and formost, for
> feeding babies. Breasts make milk, and babies feed from them. I'm going to
> be breastfeeding the new baby, and you might be uncomfortable with the idea
> at first, but you will get used to it, because it is a natural thing. I
> will make an effort to be discrete, but at some point you may catch a
> glimpse of my skin, and there is nothing wrong with that. If you have any
> questions or want to talk about it in more detail, I'd be happy to talk to
> you some more. In the meantime, here are some books that talk about
> breastfeeding and show some photos. Feel free to look at them. I'm here if
> you want to talk."
>
> It's really not that difficult or complicated.
I agree fully with what you said, but I do see a small complication: if
the birthmother is involved in their lives, and doesn't view
breastfeeding in this light, and DOES see it as a sexual thing from
which her boys should be shielded, the step mom discussing this with
HER kids may cause significant problems with her. That may not be a big
deal, but perhaps they wish to avoid complicating further what could
already be a delicate relationship. (I've no idea about the birth mom
here, just offering a possibility). This is further complicated by a
father who is also not on board.
First things first - get dad on board. I agree with others who stated
just do it and let them ask questions then respond. But if you do feel
a discussion is warranted, get dad involved and have him explain to his
sons. I see that as a good learning lesson for them - coming from the
father's perspective, helping them to see how they can be as fathers.
mary.g....@census.gov
realize I was starting such a "popular" thread.
With that said, Of course, I will TRY to be discrete NO MATTER where I
am BF'ing... that is just my nature and personality. Like some have
suggested, no matter how we approach the issue I'm sure there will at
least be a quick moment of awkwardness (even for myself) at first -
which, as everyone gets use to the idea will quickly subside.
Frisbee: I appreciate your input and thoughts. I agree - teenage boys
are horny fellows and they, nor I, can really control how they "feel"
or react to certain situations - but, knowing my boys... they're just
going to be uncomfortable with the breastfeeding more because of "Icky,
that's my step mom" and not because of anything else.
I guess I will probably talk more about it with my husband to help him
see where I am coming from in my desire to BF and why it IS so
important. As for the boys, we'll figure it out I guess... I'm
thinking that I will probably talk, kind of informally, to the 16 yo
first and get him "on board" first and then I will talk to his younger
brothers. I'm not really looking for their approval, just want to give
them a "heads-up" and keep them informed and give them a chance to
voice any questions they may have.. or at least let them know that they
can ask me if they have a legitimate question.
Thanks again all!
Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Banty
says...
>
>They can certainly choose not to ogle, but since you've never experienced
>the raging hormones that most teenage boys experience, I doubt you'd
>understand the incredible self-control that would require. I'm not saying
>that's right, I am saying it's natural, however.
Yeah right - Ericka (or I, by implication) would not have any clue what having
raging hormones would feel like, it just never came up for people like us...
:-/
I basically agree with you that simple discretion is called for, similar to
pulling on a bathrobe to go from the shower to get a cup of coffee in the
kitchen, but you seem unable to make your point without inserting a lower
extremity into your facial orifice.
Banty
mary.g....@census.gov
they ran into it in public...
Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Frisbee®
news:eep8a...@drn.newsguy.com...
If'n I could do that, I'd be way too busy to post here :-) (I knew what you
meant)
Frisbee®
I think we're much closer to being on the same page now, thanks.
Frisbee®
news:1158686745....@e3g2000cwe.googlegroups.com...
FrisbeeŽ wrote:
> "Stephanie" <m...@iwishicoud.net> wrote in message
> news:wgVPg.2937$Se.119@trndny03...
> > "FrisbeeŽ" <billLA...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
> > news:451003aa$0$97277$892e...@authen.yellow.readfreenews.net...
> >> One reply highlighted that breast-feeding is not sexual. While you are
> >> correct in that statement, these are teenage boys who are NOT
> >> blood-related to "step-mom." It -will- be sexual to them.
> >
> > Should they be taught by implication that they are correct? Or should
> > their faulty impression be corrected?
>
> Okay, so you're going to tell the teenage boys that they should not become
> aroused by seeing your breasts?
:Don't teenaged boys get aroused by *everything*? That's basically what
:most men willing to admit it claim...
Yes, in fact that pretty much carries thoughout our lives. In fact, I'm
strangely turned-on by your reply! (j/k of course)
I seriously doubt that this will reverse
> the physical effects. Certainly you can tell them to not ogle, if that's
> what you mean. But I doubt you're going to change the fact that it's
> erotic
> to them.
:I'm willing to bet it's more likely to be 'gross' to them than erotic.
:(I have a handful of teenage nephews dealing with these raging hormones
:right now)
The act of nursing itself, yes. Probably is to a majority of teens, and
most men. The exposure of nekkid boobs? No, that's not gross unless they
have an alternative sexual preference.
> I'm really surprised that nobody seems to be getting my point. Should all
> of us men be ashamed of what arouses us? Should teenagers be expected to
> control their urges, or seemingly their thoughts?
:Not at all. Why should they? They should control their responses to
:those urges, but urges themselves? they're natural.
Well put, thanks.
:I just don't think
:it's very likely they're turned on by the site of their step mom
:breastfeeding. In fact, it will probably turn them off boobs for awhile.
Well, if step-mom is (or looks like) Nichole Kidman, Terri Hatcher, or some
other hawt person, the opposite might happen. Yeah, seeing my step-mom (who
I didn't live with) in this situation might have scarred me for life, heh.
Frisbee®
I can see what you mean, and I guess I still can't seem to express myself
clearly. This is why I never became a writer, I suppose.
I was speaking from the mother's point-of-view, I think. I think most
BF-ing mothers would try to be discrete in public, but might not try to be
as much at home. I did not mean to imply that the KIDS should treat the
situations differently, but that perhaps the mother (in this case) should.
In public, the child might see some "skin" of a total stranger, someone he
is not likely to see again. At home, he's seen step-mom's skin, and he's
going to be seeing a lot of her (no pun intended).
Does that make any sense? Or should I just shut up before I dig my hole
even deeper?
Frisbee®
news:1158687032....@b28g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
Frisbee: I appreciate your input and thoughts. I agree - teenage boys
are horny fellows and they, nor I, can really control how they "feel"
or react to certain situations - but, knowing my boys... they're just
going to be uncomfortable with the breastfeeding more because of "Icky,
that's my step mom" and not because of anything else.
Whew, I am SO GLAD that you, the OP, did not take any offense at my reply as
it would seem some did. I assure you all that I am not trolling, and have
been sincere, although apparently inept at expressing my thoughts and
ideas...
Ericka Kammerer
Hey, far be it from me to try to send anyone packing ;-)
For myself, I wasn't any more or less discreet at home than
in public when it came to breastfeeding, so I suppose I
didn't think of someone being discreet in public and baring
it all at home. To me, it wasn't any less convenient to
be discreet, so I'm not sure why I would have. So, any
teenagers around the house wouldn't have been exposed to
anything more than passers by in public would have been
exposed to, hence my confusion.
Also, speaking as a mother of sons, I think part
of my job is to send my sons into the world capable of
dealing with things like women breastfeeding. Despite
the issues you raise, I really do think that the nursing
would become old hat fairly quickly. Babies have a way
of making that happen ;-)
As an aside, while I don't think indiscreet public
breastfeeding is a good idea (particularly since it gets
some people too riled up and anti-breastfeeding), there
was a woman at my son's dance studio years ago who had
absolutely no inhibitions about breastfeeding (she wasn't
US-born). She'd be wearing a little sundress and would
just drop the whole top of the dress to nurse, and
hardly noticed if her babe pulled off and left her
exposed for some time before she noticed. While most
of the folks around were women (usually moms waiting
while dance class was going on), there were also men
and boys around. As far as I could tell, while some
folks raised an eyebrow, not a single person wigged
out over it. Folks just went about their business.
I didn't think her actions were appropriate, but I
am heartened to see that others' reactions weren't
over the top.
Best wishes,
Ericka
bizby40
"Frisbee®" <billLA...@yahoo.com> wrote in message
news:45102f5d$0$97224$892e...@authen.yellow.readfreenews.net...
I have to say that even when I was breast-feeding completely alone and
in private, there was generally very little to see. I would pull up
my t-shirt (never bothered with maternity shirts) just enough to allow
access, and because of the way I was holding the baby, it would have
been difficult to see any skin at all. I wasn't doing this on purpose
or for reasons of modesty, it's just what was easiest and most
convenient for me. More is likely exposed with buttoned shirts, but I
must not have been wearing many of those.....
What I'm getting at is that the mom can nurse relatively privately
with no extra effort required. I really think this is going to turn
out to be a non-issue in the long run. Most likely everybody will
feel a little awkward for the first week or so, and then they'll all
get over it.
Bizby
Anne Rogers
> so that they don't see you naked from the waist up
> for hours at a time while you learn how to breastfeed.
> With DS#1, I didn't know how to BF with a bra on and
> I was so exhausted that I didn't care, but there were
> only DH and my mom around.
only if that's what you really need to do, I was fine with breastfeeding as
discreetly as I wanted to be from the word go and I think it's probably
easier to assume you can do it, than you can't. Maybe I'm excessively
relaxed, but I've got a picture from the evening of day 3, I'm sat in the
nursing chair, my boob is out, but baby isn't latched on, I've made the
decision to leave him skin to skin in the hope that it will get him going,
I'm celebrating his birth with a glass of champagne in the other hand. You
can't see a thing on the picture!
Anne
Anne Rogers
> correct in that statement, these are teenage boys who are NOT
> breastfeeding, but in the case of mom being step-mom, the guilt of ogling
> your own mother's breasts is not there, she's not related. While I don't
> think this would mess them up, so to speak, it's still a pretty good idea
> to be as discrete about this as possible.
bollocks to that, ok, life rarely calls for me to breastfeeding in front of
teenage boys, but once I was (in a sling, stood outside a store) and I did
get some comments "eugh, that babies sucking on that women's titty", but
hey, silly them, they couldn't even see my breasts, if they want to lark
around with there mates then let them, they can ogle my breasts if they
want, I don't care, but the fact is there is almost never anything to see,
with your wife having had twins, this may well not have been the case, but
don't assume the same is going to be true for a singleton.
Cheers
Anne
Banty
mary.g....@census.gov says...
>
>OK, so far there's been a lot of good advice. Thank you all! I didn't
>realize I was starting such a "popular" thread.
>
>With that said, Of course, I will TRY to be discrete NO MATTER where I
>am BF'ing... that is just my nature and personality. Like some have
>suggested, no matter how we approach the issue I'm sure there will at
>least be a quick moment of awkwardness (even for myself) at first -
>which, as everyone gets use to the idea will quickly subside.
>
>Frisbee: I appreciate your input and thoughts. I agree - teenage boys
>are horny fellows and they, nor I, can really control how they "feel"
>or react to certain situations - but, knowing my boys... they're just
>going to be uncomfortable with the breastfeeding more because of "Icky,
>that's my step mom" and not because of anything else.
Having a 13 year old myself, my bets are on the being squicked out more likely
than turned on, initially.
>
>I guess I will probably talk more about it with my husband to help him
>see where I am coming from in my desire to BF and why it IS so
>important. As for the boys, we'll figure it out I guess... I'm
>thinking that I will probably talk, kind of informally, to the 16 yo
>first and get him "on board" first and then I will talk to his younger
>brothers. I'm not really looking for their approval, just want to give
>them a "heads-up" and keep them informed and give them a chance to
>voice any questions they may have.. or at least let them know that they
>can ask me if they have a legitimate question.
>
Talk over with your husband to get him on board, definately. I wouldn't bring
it up with the boys, though. They're the kids in the household, you and hubby
run the household, this *really* doesn't affect them, they'll deal. Doing any
"heads up" implies there's something to be "heads up" about. Don't bother with
that.
Banty
Banty
says...
>
>FrisbeeŽ wrote:
>> "Ericka Kammerer" <e...@comcast.net> wrote in message
>> news:Gd-dnTCjL5oJtY3Y...@comcast.com...
>>> FrisbeeŽ wrote:
>>>
>>>> I should note that I was referring ONLY to the situation at home. As far
>>>> as BF in public, screw the people that can't handle that. My point is
>>>> meant to be directly applied to this particular home situation.
>>> Oops, I forgot to mention--this sort of seems like an
>>> odd dichotomy to me. The boys should be expected to deal with
>>> the sight of someone else nursing in public, but not with the
>>> sight of their step-mother nursing at home? I'm a little
>>> confused about that. Why the difference?
>>
>> I can see what you mean, and I guess I still can't seem to express myself
>> clearly. This is why I never became a writer, I suppose.
>>
>> I was speaking from the mother's point-of-view, I think. I think most
>> BF-ing mothers would try to be discrete in public, but might not try to be
>> as much at home. I did not mean to imply that the KIDS should treat the
>> situations differently, but that perhaps the mother (in this case) should.
>> In public, the child might see some "skin" of a total stranger, someone he
>> is not likely to see again. At home, he's seen step-mom's skin, and he's
>> going to be seeing a lot of her (no pun intended).
>>
>> Does that make any sense? Or should I just shut up before I dig my hole
>> even deeper?
>
> Hey, far be it from me to try to send anyone packing ;-)
Right - don't go packing Frisbee - you're definitely welcome here! :-)
Banty
Banty
I defintely always needed two hands to nurse. So none of that champagne-sipping
or paperback-reading for me!
Banty
cjra
I'm either an exhibitionist or incapable of doing this.....well, I *am*
capable since I manage to BF discretely in public out of necessity, but
at home, it's just so much easier to rip off my shirt. I find with a
shirt on, it gets all bunched up in the wrong places making it awkward
and uncomfortable for DD and for me - that's true for nursing tops as
well as t-shirts, tho worse for t-shirts. And when I wear a nursing
bra, the little clasps always seems to get in the way, so at home I
end up just taking off my shirt and holding a cloth diaper over the
other breast (because I always leak) unless I know someone else will be
around. It's just so much easier!
I did manage to stay at the ILs for 6 days and not have to rip my
shirt off every time I fed and instead just lifted the shirt/adjusted
the bra. However DD is at the stage of pulling off every few minutes
after latching to see what's happening, but when i toss a blanket over
her head she gets mad (she gets really hot and sweaty when she eats),
so I always end up with a bit of exposure. Fortunately the ILs think
breastfeeding is beautiful and are also totally comfortable with seeing
a woman's breast (it'sthat euro thing ;-)). On the plane, tho I tried
to be discrete, I know I managed to flash a pre-teen boy sitting near
me. I had on a nursing top, but DD was doing her latch on latch off
thing, and then went into hysterics. Not wanting to disturb the whole
plane I moved her quickly to comfort her, which left my boob showing a
bit and I didn't want to move her til she was totally calmed down. I
was conscious of it and did try to use my arm to cover a bit, but I'm
sure he got a peek of flesh there. I doubt he's scarred for life tho.
My 3 yr old (FF-fed) nephew was the cutest, once he decided he was
interested in his new cousin he followed her everywhere, and when I fed
her, after he picked up my breast pad to use as a napkin, put his head
down about 1/2 inch from my breast to see what she was up to.
It was nice to come home, though, and just rip my shirt off again :)
Kim
<mary.g....@census.gov> wrote in message
news:1158672613.5...@i3g2000cwc.googlegroups.com...
> Thanks for the advice. I COMPLETELY agree with you about everything.
> I'm not squeamish about the issue at all, and I know that feeding
> your child is what breasts are really for...
>
> But I also know it might be rather difficult to explain that to a 13 yo
> boy. I certainly want them to know, understand, realize the intended
> purpose for breasts and set a good example but I guess I'm just
> afraid because of their age and they're not *my* children.
> Unfortunately, society does set a "standard" and "boobs" are a
> funny thing that little boys talk about. If they were a bit younger, or
> mine, I would have no issue with it. To be honest, I don't really
> have any issue with it, I was just wondering how others in the step-mom
> role may have dealt with/approached it with their stepchildren.
I have an 8 year-old step-son that lives with us full time and a 5 day old
newborn. I've never made an issue of breastfeeding. He learned about
breastfeeding about a year ago when his cousin was born. His aunt was
discreet about it but his 1st grade teacher took it upon herself to inform
him about breastfeeding. I didn't appreciate it at the time, but I'm glad
he now knows where the baby gets his food.
I agree that it's different when it's not your own child. When he's at
school, I breastfeed/pump in the living room or wherever I want. When he's
at home, I go into the baby's room or my bedroom and close the door. He
knows I'm feeding the baby and he knows to knock if he needs me. He knows
how the baby is being fed and he thinks it's gross... he's 8. But I think
he also sees it as normal, which is good.
cjra
>
> :I'm willing to bet it's more likely to be 'gross' to them than erotic.
> :(I have a handful of teenage nephews dealing with these raging hormones
> :right now)
>
> The act of nursing itself, yes. Probably is to a majority of teens, and
> most men. T
Really? You think most men find the act of nursing gross? I have yet to
meet one who admits to that, fortunately. The vast majority of men I
know find it beautiful and wonderful. And yes, I have had discussions
re: breastfeeding with quite a number of men IRL. I'm sure there exists
men who think it's gross in an immature teen sort of way, but I guess
I'm lucky that 'most' men of my acquaintance aren't among them.
I'd also suggest it's a cultural thing, but I've had such discussions
wiht plenty of American men too, so it's not just that.
>he exposure of nekkid boobs? No, that's not gross unless they
> have an alternative sexual preference.
the exposure of naked boobs with a baby hanging off them is a little
different from a topless woman at the beach. Yeah, my DH finds it
beautiful to see a woman BF her kid, but he isn't aroused by seeing
other women do it. And he says when he sees me sitting there topless
with the baby hanging on my boob he gets an incredible overwhelming
feeling of love and joy, but it doesn't make him want to jump my bones
*at that moment*, and I assure you, he's definitely heterosexual.
Nikki
<mary.g....@census.gov> wrote in message
news:1158669410.8...@d34g2000cwd.googlegroups.com...
>I am about 3 months pregnant and I have 4 stepson's (one away at
> college) ages: 13, 13, 16 and 18. The boys reside with my husband and
> I on a full-time basis. I have a good relationship with all of the
> boys and they were actually quite excited when we told them that we
> were going to have a baby (something we've been talking about since we
> got married in 2003).
>
> Anyhow, I was hoping that someone out there can offer me some advice
> about breastfeeding with older children, specifically boys, around. My
> husband isn't entirely supportive of it
I'm not a step parent but I've nursed many times in front of my 13yo nephew.
He doesn't seem to notice, care, or pay any attention at all. I don't strip
down to nurse. I nurse at home the same way I nurse when out and about. I
just lift up my shirt a bit, latch the baby on, then let my shirt fall down.
It did take me a bit to be able to do that without using both hands and so
more showed those first two weeks.
Personally I wouldn't worry about the boys at all. They will deal and most
likely ignore you. I'd spend more time getting your dh on board.
Congrats and good luck for an easy delivery and smooth breastfeeding!!
--
Nikki, mama to
Hunter 4/99
Luke 4/01
Brock 4/06
Ben 4/06
cill...@gmail.com
careful handling, consider assuming that what you're doing is correct,
which it is, study up, get confident, go to La Leche League meetings
(find one that feels right for you) so that you can get comfortable
around breastfeeding.....then *be* that comfortable breastfeeding
person when the baby comes...even if at first you have to fake it.
If you assume the position of confidence and ease, even when it's
tricky, frustrating, upsetting and sometimes painful in the beginning,
and you *know* that you will stick it out, then they will follow your
lead and generally be supportive, if at first a little uncomfortable.
They'll get over it and soon feel at ease with it the more they see it.
Once you're more comfortable getting the baby latched on, nurse in
front of them, their friends, everyone. you'll get good enough to be
comfortable and discreet and your comfort will carry over to them and
others. if they excuse themselves, say 'no stay....i was so enjoying
the discussion about 'x y or z', just a sec while i get her latched
on'...then carry on as if it's the most normal thing in the world
b/c...oh yeah! it is:)
best to you, your baby and your whole new expanding family.
:)
carl jones
<mary.g....@census.gov> wrote in message
news:1158669410.8...@d34g2000cwd.googlegroups.com...
>I am about 3 months pregnant and I have 4 stepson's (one away at
> college) ages: 13, 13, 16 and 18. The boys reside with my husband and
> I on a full-time basis. I have a good relationship with all of the
> boys and they were actually quite excited when we told them that we
> were going to have a baby (something we've been talking about since we
> got married in 2003).
>
> Anyhow, I was hoping that someone out there can offer me some advice
> about breastfeeding with older children, specifically boys, around. My
> breastfeeding is an inconvenience. But I've been reading up and I told
> him last night that I want to at least try breastfeeding because I feel
> that the benefits highly outweigh the inconveniences. The only thing I
> am really worried about is how to talk to the boys about it and/or if I
> should consider not breastfeeding for the sake of their comfort because
> I am afraid that they might feel weird about it. Of course, those of
> you that have teenage boys know how they can be sometimes with sexual
> type issues.
He thinks breastfeeding is an inconvenience? What planet is her from. The
breasts are always ready. The baby can be fed anytime, anyplace without any
preparation whatsoever. What can he say about formula feeding which
compares. plus if he is going to make the formula feeding decision, let him
change all the stinking diapers which you don't have with a breastfed baby.
Good luck!
Carl
Leslie
> Hey, far be it from me to try to send anyone packing ;-)
> For myself, I wasn't any more or less discreet at home than
> in public when it came to breastfeeding, so I suppose I
> didn't think of someone being discreet in public and baring
> it all at home. To me, it wasn't any less convenient to
> be discreet, so I'm not sure why I would have. So, any
> teenagers around the house wouldn't have been exposed to
> anything more than passers by in public would have been
> exposed to, hence my confusion.
Whereas I am very discreet in public but pretty darn indiscreet at
home. If I have on something I can pull down in front I find that
easier so that's what I do. And I do this in front of my 11 and 12
year old sons, who remember being bf themselves and don't bat an
eyelash, but (for the OP) if I had stepsons I would nurse in front of
them but probably with the discretion I would use in public.
Leslie
Marie
news:4nasirF...@individual.net...
> bollocks to that, ok, life rarely calls for me to breastfeeding in front
of
> teenage boys, but once I was (in a sling, stood outside a store) and I did
> get some comments "eugh, that babies sucking on that women's titty", but
> hey, silly them, they couldn't even see my breasts, if they want to lark
> around with there mates then let them, they can ogle my breasts if they
> want, I don't care, but the fact is there is almost never anything to see,
> with your wife having had twins, this may well not have been the case, but
> don't assume the same is going to be true for a singleton.
We have several teen boys in our homeschool group and the majority of the
moms in the group breastfeed, all the up to toddlerhood and beyond. The boys
grew up seeing it- seeing their siblings and many other babies/toddlers
being nursed.
I'm all for making it seem "normal" and not hiding it from the OP's
step-sons. Boys need to be taught that nursing is the standard, it is a
normal part of life and there's nothing about it that should be sneaky or
dirty or hidden away.
Marie
deja.blues
<mary.g....@census.gov> wrote in message
news:1158669410.8...@d34g2000cwd.googlegroups.com...
> I am about 3 months pregnant and I have 4 stepson's (one away at
> college) ages: 13, 13, 16 and 18. The boys reside with my husband and
> I on a full-time basis. I have a good relationship with all of the
> boys and they were actually quite excited when we told them that we
> were going to have a baby (something we've been talking about since we
> got married in 2003).
>
> Anyhow, I was hoping that someone out there can offer me some advice
> about breastfeeding with older children, specifically boys, around.
Er, you're overthinking this. Why should boys be a special case? Feed the
baby. Discuss as needed.
Jess
"deja.blues" <deja....@gmail.com> wrote in message
news:h13Qg.5073$4C1.2551@trnddc03...
> Er, you're overthinking this. Why should boys be a special case? Feed the
> baby. Discuss as needed.
Discuss what? I must be missing something.
Jess
deja.blues
<mary.g....@census.gov> wrote in message
news:1158687032....@b28g2000cwb.googlegroups.com...
OK, so far there's been a lot of good advice. Thank you all! I didn't
realize I was starting such a "popular" thread.
With that said, Of course, I will TRY to be discrete
discreet
NO MATTER where I
am BF'ing... that is just my nature and personality. Like some have
suggested, no matter how we approach the issue I'm sure there will at
least be a quick moment of awkwardness (even for myself) at first -
which, as everyone gets use to the idea will quickly subside.
Frisbee: I appreciate your input and thoughts. I agree - teenage boys
are horny fellows and they, nor I, can really control how they "feel"
or react to certain situations
You are sounding totally like a troll, now.
- "but, knowing my boys... they're just
going to be uncomfortable with the breastfeeding more because of "Icky,
that's my step mom" and not because of anything else.]
They are not your boys. Get the fuck over it. You're a troll , probably, and
are getting off on this, or are wayyyy overthinking the issue, at three
months pregnant? Come on!
"I guess I will probably talk more about it with my husband to help him
see where I am coming from in my desire to BF and why it IS so
important. As for the boys, we'll figure it out I guess... I'm
thinking that I will probably talk, kind of informally, to the 16 yo
first and get him "on board" first and then I will talk to his younger
brothers. I'm not really looking for their approval, just want to give
them a "heads-up" and keep them informed and give them a chance to
voice any questions they may have.. or at least let them know that they
can ask me if they have a legitimate question."
That is *so* not necessary, especially at this time. You're like "I'm gonna
be exposing my boobs 6 months from now! Let's talk about it!"
Most likely it will be a non-issue, and they will vacate the room when the
newborn needs feeding. You need to do whats needed for the baby, and deal
with them IF it becomes an issue.
Which it most likely will not.
Thanks again all!
Ericka Kammerer wrote:
Bryna
Frisbee® wrote:
> "Ericka Kammerer" <e...@comcast.net> wrote in message
> news:Gd-dnTCjL5oJtY3Y...@comcast.com...
Just wanted to put my 2 cents in, and say that I completely agree with
what you're saying, Frisbee! And I'm a proud lactivist who does not
see breastfeeding as sexual at all -- but I've never been a teenage
boy. Of course the OP should breastfeed, and she doesn't need to go
hide out in a room alone to do it. However, unless her stepsons are
clear that they are comfortable with her partial nudity (and I'd be
awfully surprised if that were the case!) then she should nurse
discreetly without revealing more skin than she usually does at home.
Obviously she has a right to nurse however she wants -- but just
because we have the right to do something doesn't make it considerate
or kind to do so. Some teenage boys would be turned on by any skin
revealed, some would be grossed out -- either way, it doesn't seem a
nice thing to do and it's just not necessary. It isn't about pushing
the idea that breastfeeding isn't sexual -- the reality is that breasts
are associated with sex in this culture. It should be about
normalizing breastfeeding, and that isn't done by making teenage boys
feel uncomfortable in their own home. I agree, Frisbee, that it's far
more important for the OP to be discreet at home than in public -- her
step-sons could potentially feel much guiltier and more conflicted over
any reactions than some guy ogling her in the mall. That being said,
they could be totally fine with it all. Just take cues from them. The
only thing the OP needs to bring to the table is the casual assumption
that "of course she'll be breastfeeding." To the OP -- good luck and
good for you for being so considerate, both of your future child's
physical needs and your current children's psychological ones!
Bryna
Jamie Clark
> Jamie Clark wrote:
>
>>
>> But it's not any more difficult to explain to a teenage boy what
>> breastfeeding is all about, whether he is yours by birth or not.
>> Perhaps this is obvious, but sit and think about how you'd explain
>> it to him/them if they were yours by birth. How would you do it,
>> and what words would you use. Think about what tone you'd take, and
>> how you would explain it, then pretend that they are all
>> biologically yours, and sit them down and explain it to them. It's
>> pretty straight forrward. I'd have you and your husband and all the
>> boys sit down together, and be very straightforward. "Breasts are a
>> sexual thing in our society, but they are also, first and formost,
>> for feeding babies. Breasts make milk, and babies feed from them.
>> I'm going to be breastfeeding the new baby, and you might be
>> uncomfortable with the idea at first, but you will get used to it,
>> because it is a natural thing. I will make an effort to be
>> discrete, but at some point you may catch a glimpse of my skin, and
>> there is nothing wrong with that. If you have any questions or want
>> to talk about it in more detail, I'd be happy to talk to you some
>> more. In the meantime, here are some books that talk about
>> breastfeeding and show some photos. Feel free to look at them. I'm
>> here if you want to talk."
>>
>> It's really not that difficult or complicated.
>
> I agree fully with what you said, but I do see a small complication:
> if the birthmother is involved in their lives, and doesn't view
> breastfeeding in this light, and DOES see it as a sexual thing from
> which her boys should be shielded, the step mom discussing this with
> HER kids may cause significant problems with her. That may not be a
> big deal, but perhaps they wish to avoid complicating further what
> could already be a delicate relationship. (I've no idea about the
> birth mom here, just offering a possibility). This is further
> complicated by a father who is also not on board.
You know, me breastfeeding my child in my house, is my business. A
discussion between the step-kids, their dad, and myself (if this were all
me), would be between all of us. If their mother had a problem with
breastfeeding, then that's something that she would need to talk to her boys
about. But her problems with breastfeeding wouldn't be my worry or concern,
nor stop me from trying to communicate with the step-kids that live in my
house and will be seeing me feed my child. I'm not going to call her up and
ask her permission to breastfeed my child. And I wouldn't NOT talk to the
boys about it, if it was clear that a discussion needed to be had. I'd
probably make sure to say that they should talk to their mom about it as
well. I'm not trying to brainwash the kids, I'm just trying to make sure
that they are clear on what's going to be happening in the house that they
live in (again, if this were me, which it's not.)
In the end, I think, as others have said, that the best way to handle this
is likely going to be not "handling" this at all, rather, just going about
your daily life, feeding your child as necessary with discretion.
--
Jamie
Earth Angels:
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A & L Lane
<npa...@indiana.edu> wrote in message
news:1158680583.9...@d34g2000cwd.googlegroups.com...
>snipped..
> Maybe I'm wrong here (having a teen-age daughter, and a teenage
> daughter who has ALWAYS known what breasts are for!), but I think the
> best approach to to say something much about it. Just as you are
> unlikely to be discussing the details of whether or not you have an
> epidural, or use cloth/disposible diapers, how you feed the baby is, on
> most levels, not really their concern. If they ask about it (why
> haven't you bought bottles yet? What kind of formula do you need?) you
> say, "Oh, I'll be breastfeeding the new baby. Otherwise, you just do
> it. (I think it makes sense to be a bit discreet about it initially,
> just as you might be with any other non-intimate family member, but
> there's certainly no reason to hide.)
>
> Naomi
>
This is a fascinating discussion but I *really* wish people would spell
"discreet" correctly. Well done Naomi!!
FWIW, I am a very shy person and dont like displaying any excess flesh to
the point where it has to be really hot for me to even wear shorts to work.
But both times while I was on maternity leave and popped into work just to
keep in touch with people, it didnt occur to me to be concerned about
nursing there if it was required. I nursed on a number of occasions in our
meeting room with my workmates present - mostly men older than me including
my boss and the manager of the research station as well as a few younger
men. Nobody even batted an eyelid - I would have been more embarrassed
about my baby creating a noisy fuss than just feeding him - I can guarantee
that no-one saw anything that I would not have wanted them to see.
In the very early days when you are just getting the hang of things, it
might be more relaxing to do it without the whole family present but I
strongly believe this should be done matter-of-factly and without fuss. If
the step-sons want to look, it is pretty unlikely that they are going to see
too much. I honestly wouldnt worry about them too much - they will cope
with however you want to handle it. I would be more worried about getting
my husband on the same page about breastfeeding - an unsupportive husband
will result in a very short breastfeeding relationship and both Mum and baby
misses out on some very important health benefits in that case.
cheers
Leah
Cheri Stryker
> They can certainly choose not to ogle, but since you've never experienced
> the raging hormones that most teenage boys experience, I doubt you'd
> understand the incredible self-control that would require. I'm not saying
> that's right, I am saying it's natural, however.
[laughter]
Not to feed this (dangerously close to a flame war), but, I read this
and thought, y'know, teenage girls go crazy, too. I think it's funny
that (some) males still think that females pass through the teen years
unscathed.
--
Cheri Stryker
mom to DS1 - 7 yrs, and DS2 - 7 months
cjra
Jamie Clark wrote:
> cjra wrote:
> >
> > I agree fully with what you said, but I do see a small complication:
> > if the birthmother is involved in their lives, and doesn't view
> > breastfeeding in this light, and DOES see it as a sexual thing from
> > which her boys should be shielded, the step mom discussing this with
> > HER kids may cause significant problems with her. That may not be a
> > big deal, but perhaps they wish to avoid complicating further what
> > could already be a delicate relationship. (I've no idea about the
> > birth mom here, just offering a possibility). This is further
> > complicated by a father who is also not on board.
>
> You know, me breastfeeding my child in my house, is my business. A
> discussion between the step-kids, their dad, and myself (if this were all
> me), would be between all of us. If their mother had a problem with
> breastfeeding, then that's something that she would need to talk to her boys
> about. But her problems with breastfeeding wouldn't be my worry or concern,
> nor stop me from trying to communicate with the step-kids that live in my
> house and will be seeing me feed my child. I'm not going to call her up and
> ask her permission to breastfeed my child.
I wasn't suggesting she needed to talk to the birth mom at all. But I
can see this playing out many ways, including this - she opens a
discussion on BF with the boys, boys are a little squicked out and
being immature (which her posts suggests maybe they are), happen to
mention to birth mom that step mom has been talking about boobies a
lot, or worse, showed pictures of naked boobs (in an attempt to get
kids to understand what it's all about). Mom freaks out that step-mom
is talking about 'inappropriate' sexual things to HER boys or showing
porn, calls dad to threaten legal action against step mom. Dad is
already not on board with BF. All hell breaks loose.
An extreme scenario and totally ridiculous? maybe. but if the birth mom
is anti-BF, doesn't comprehend that it's natural, that seeing a bit of
flesh is no big deal, etc - and we know such people exist, then yes,
such a discussion with the kids is not so cut and dried. Not that she
shouldn't have it if necessary, or that the birth mom's views should
interfere in any way with her decision to BF, but if the birth mom is
the sort to jump on such a thing, who's been waiting for the
opportunity to attack step-mom for 'inappropriate behaviour', this
might be the perfect opportunity.
All that means is, there _could_ be some complications, and perhaps the
OP needs to proceed with caution. OTOH, maybe the birth mom will be her
biggest supporter.
I definitely believe she should use the opportunity to teach the
step-sons that BF is normal and natural and best - either by just doing
it and not making an issue of it, or if she knows they'll need some
discussion, discussing it. But first, I would get dad on board.
Penny Gaines
[snip]
> I agree that it's different when it's not your own child. When he's at
> school, I breastfeed/pump in the living room or wherever I want. When he's
> at home, I go into the baby's room or my bedroom and close the door. He
> knows I'm feeding the baby and he knows to knock if he needs me. He knows
> how the baby is being fed and he thinks it's gross... he's 8. But I think
> he also sees it as normal, which is good.
I used to find that most of my feeds were in a limited number of places:
if I was downstairs, there was one chair which was convenient to use.
I don't think the S-Mom should have to go somewhere private. However if
she has one place for feeding in the public part of the house, then it
is up to the boys whether they use that bit of public space when she
is in mid-feed.
The other issue is with their friends. They might find it awkward if
their friends see S-Mom feeding, and if they have one place to check
then they can avoid the issue more easily.
--
Penny Gaines
UK mum to three
KR
> page" with me so that he can enforce the normalcy that is
> breastfeeding and not contribute to the phobia.
>
That's what I agree with, if your husband isnt' supportive then how can
he portray to his children that breastfeeding is a natural beautiful
thing. There is no way that breastfeeding is inconvenient. How can a
bottle be convenient when you have to mix it up, sterilize, warm it
when you're out, bring enough with you in case you happen to stay out
all day, etc, etc.
I have a teenage brother who never batted an eyelash that I breastfed,
of course we were all breastfed and there was never a doubt that I
would be, the only unsupportive person was mil who is generally a
negative person who we don't see often.
Best of luck with breastfeeding! I certainly hope it works out for
you!
KR
gdco...@optonline.net
boys (19, 15 & 14) and 1 girl (21, but lives on her own) and we have
full custody of them as well (their mom sees them once a month if
they're lucky!). I just had my first child 3 months ago and I am
breasfeeding.
We explained to them that I'd be breastfeeding and they were a little
weird about it, but now they are used to it. I feed my daughter in my
bedroom or hers. And if they need me, they knock on my door and I just
say "I'm feeding her" and they know they need to wait. If I pump and
store the milk in the refrigerator or freezer, they don't say anything.
But they have asked questions - some I answer and some, like "how do
you get the milk into the bottle", I just say "you don't want to know"
and smile. I think they like that I breastfeed because formula is so
expensive and I told them breastfeeding was free, so there is more
money for them ;)
Good luck with everything. And I wouldn't consider not breastfeeding -
it is so good for the baby and you!
Jamie Clark
Why wouldn't you let the kids into your room, or the baby's room when you
are feeding her? And why wouldn't you explain to them about pumping? To
answer an honest question with "You don't want to know" is strange to me,
because obviously they DO want to know, or they wouldn't have asked. By not
allowing them into the room if they want, or answering their questions
openly and honestly, you are doing both the boys and the girls a disservice
in terms of teaching them about breastfeeding. You are missing out on a
really good learning opportunity. If kids don't learn about breastfeeding
from their parents, then where do they learn about it from? A book, when
they are about to have a baby, and their chances of successfully
breastfeeding their child will be severely diminished.
Rosalie B.
>gdco...@optonline.net wrote:
>> Wow - you and I should become friends! I have 4 step-kids as well. 3
>> boys (19, 15 & 14) and 1 girl (21, but lives on her own) and we have
>> full custody of them as well (their mom sees them once a month if
>> they're lucky!). I just had my first child 3 months ago and I am
>> breasfeeding.
>>
>> We explained to them that I'd be breastfeeding and they were a little
>> weird about it, but now they are used to it. I feed my daughter in my
>> bedroom or hers. And if they need me, they knock on my door and I
>> just say "I'm feeding her" and they know they need to wait. If I
>> pump and store the milk in the refrigerator or freezer, they don't
>> say anything. But they have asked questions - some I answer and some,
>> like "how do you get the milk into the bottle", I just say "you don't
>> want to know" and smile. I think they like that I breastfeed because
>> formula is so expensive and I told them breastfeeding was free, so
>> there is more money for them ;)
>>
>> Good luck with everything. And I wouldn't consider not breastfeeding
>> - it is so good for the baby and you!
>
>Why wouldn't you let the kids into your room, or the baby's room when you
>are feeding her? And why wouldn't you explain to them about pumping? To
>answer an honest question with "You don't want to know" is strange to me,
>because obviously they DO want to know, or they wouldn't have asked.
I agree with that - they are old enough to be told what the mechanics
are.
>By not
>allowing them into the room if they want, or answering their questions
>openly and honestly, you are doing both the boys and the girls a disservice
>in terms of teaching them about breastfeeding. You are missing out on a
>really good learning opportunity. If kids don't learn about breastfeeding
>from their parents, then where do they learn about it from? A book, when
>they are about to have a baby, and their chances of successfully
>breastfeeding their child will be severely diminished.
I don't agree. It isn't possible for each child to be enough older to
another child to observe breast feeding in the family. One of them
has to be the youngest. And in my case, although I am the oldest, my
sister is only 2 years younger, so I don't remember anything about my
mom bfing. Ditto with my mom who was only 2 years older than her
brother. My mom successfully bf two children, and my sister (the
youngest) and I successfully bf her seven grandchildren.
Successful breast feeding does NOT depend AT ALL on whether it has
been observed in the family. There are lots of other possibilities
between a book, and familial observation.
deja.blues
> Well, if step-mom is (or looks like) Nichole Kidman, Terri Hatcher, or
some
> other hawt person, the opposite might happen.
That's pretty funny, considering these particular women are scarecrows who
DON'T HAVE ANY BOOBS.
>Yeah, seeing my step-mom (who
> I didn't live with) in this situation might have scarred me for life, heh.
I just asked my teenage sons (17 and 13) what they would think if they saw a
woman breastfeeding a baby.
DS17 : ""That baby must be hungry."
DS13: "Aww, look at the baby!"
mcm...@cup.hp.com
: But I also know it might be rather difficult to explain that to a 13 yo
: boy.
Why? Why? Why? There is really very little to explain. It is the
best food for babies by far, and protects them against many conditions
that formula certainly does not! As Ericka said, it's a no brainer!
: boy. I certainly want them to know, understand, realize the intended
: purpose for breasts and set a good example but I guess I'm just
: afraid because of their age and they're not *my* children.
Your main problem right now is your own fear. Conquer that first.
Simply be ready to tell them the benefits of breastfeeding if they
ask, and go about your business. They'll get the idea after a while.
Larry
Me Myself and I
My brothers (13 and 16) both made the comment if babies didn't get milk from
their Mum's boob where else would it come from. Pretty much says it all for
me. I BF in front of them and they didn't even bat eye lids.
--
Pip
My girls :
DD1 Jasmine - 5 weeks early - 21 March 02 -
Still as small as a peanut but as smart as a whip!
DD2 Abby - 8 weeks early - 3 Feb 05 -
"Uhhhhh ohhhhhh" is my new favourite phrase, now what other trouble can I
find!
"Yes you can drive me insane just by talking to me!"
--
Jess
> DON'T HAVE ANY BOOBS.
I hope I look as good as Angelina Jolie when I grow up. *nods*
Jess
hedgehog42
Bryna wrote:
>
> Just wanted to put my 2 cents in, and say that I completely agree with
> what you're saying, Frisbee! And I'm a proud lactivist who does not
> see breastfeeding as sexual at all -- but I've never been a teenage
> boy. Of course the OP should breastfeed, and she doesn't need to go
> hide out in a room alone to do it. However, unless her stepsons are
> clear that they are comfortable with her partial nudity (and I'd be
> awfully surprised if that were the case!) then she should nurse
> discreetly without revealing more skin than she usually does at home.
> Obviously she has a right to nurse however she wants -- but just
> because we have the right to do something doesn't make it considerate
> or kind to do so.
It seems that so many people assume that a woman at home always nurses
nekkid or semi-nekkid! Maybe true in the first days when you need to
get the hang of it, but I'd venture to say that most moms don't, even
though I see a few posters here who did.
Remember, many moms BF second, third and subsequent kids. It's just
downright impractical to strip down every two hours and then get
yourself dressed again when you're running around after toddlers!
>Some teenage boys would be turned on by any skin
> revealed, some would be grossed out -- either way, it doesn't seem a
> nice thing to do and it's just not necessary. It isn't about pushing
> the idea that breastfeeding isn't sexual -- the reality is that breasts
> are associated with sex in this culture. It should be about
> normalizing breastfeeding, and that isn't done by making teenage boys
> feel uncomfortable in their own home.
What if they're totally squicked out by the very *idea* of
breastfeeding, and thus uncomfortable in their own home?
I think if you always nurse behind closed doors, you're not normalizing
breastfeeding, you're reinforcing the idea that this is something
sexual. It may even fuel some odd fantasies in their imaginations about
how it all takes place.
Worse, IMO, is that BF then functions as a dividing factor. Stepson is
confiding in you about bad results of a geometry test when baby cries
to be fed? "Oops -- gotta run -- we'll talk in 45 minutes -- or you can
call to me through the bedroom door." You've watching a rented movie as
a family when baby cries? "Can you guys put this on pause for an hour,
since we have to return it tomorrow and I really wanted to see it?"
When nursing's done in a matter-of-fact way -- and yes, with attempts
to be discreet, even if baby disengages occasionally -- then, as
several people have said, it gets to be old news (i.e., normalized)
real fast.
Lori G.
Milwaukee, WI
cjra
hedgehog42 wrote:
> Bryna wrote:
> >
> > Just wanted to put my 2 cents in, and say that I completely agree with
> > what you're saying, Frisbee! And I'm a proud lactivist who does not
> > see breastfeeding as sexual at all -- but I've never been a teenage
> > boy. Of course the OP should breastfeed, and she doesn't need to go
> > hide out in a room alone to do it. However, unless her stepsons are
> > clear that they are comfortable with her partial nudity (and I'd be
> > awfully surprised if that were the case!) then she should nurse
> > discreetly without revealing more skin than she usually does at home.
> > Obviously she has a right to nurse however she wants -- but just
> > because we have the right to do something doesn't make it considerate
> > or kind to do so.
>
> It seems that so many people assume that a woman at home always nurses
> nekkid or semi-nekkid!
Just a minor side point, why are people afraid to write *naked*?
gdco...@optonline.net
that a teenage boy is old enough to understand and wait 10 minutes. I
think he will appreciate that more than seeing his step-mom breastfeed.
It is a little different than if is was your own mother. I know
because one day the door was open while I was feeding my daughter and
my step-son came to talk to me and he looked SO uncomfortable. If the
baby had a poopy diaper I would also interupt a conversation, movie,
dinner, etc. and change it.
What I don't think some women understand is that these are step-sons
we're talking about and they have a biological mother. And being a
step-mother, you're constantly under watch by the biological mother,
even if you get along with one another. And I just don't need a son
complaining to his mother that he is uncomfortable seeing me
breastfeed. She might not appreciate that.
And when I told my step-son "you don't want to know", he replied "no, I
don't". It was just one of those things he asked, but then realized it
made him uncomfortable and I could see that. I don't hide anything
from them, they've seen me wash parts of the pump. I just don't feel
it is my place as a step-mom to explain it to them. I also never
talked to them about sex because that's their parent's job. I just
don't want to step on anyone's toes.
So I guess maybe you should ask your sons how they will feel about it.
But as a step-mom, I understand how you might feel a little
uncomfortable.
Jamie Clark
news:1158876653.6...@d34g2000cwd.googlegroups.com...
Not my post, but I write as I speak, and I say nekkid. : )
Jamie Clark
news:1158877831....@e3g2000cwe.googlegroups.com...
> It only takes my daughter about 10 minutes to breastfeed and I feel
> that a teenage boy is old enough to understand and wait 10 minutes. I
> think he will appreciate that more than seeing his step-mom breastfeed.
> It is a little different than if is was your own mother. I know
> because one day the door was open while I was feeding my daughter and
> my step-son came to talk to me and he looked SO uncomfortable. If the
> baby had a poopy diaper I would also interupt a conversation, movie,
> dinner, etc. and change it.
So if it only takes 10 minutes, the kid can't look away, go find something
to do in the other room for a few minutes, use the restroom, get himself a
snack, concentrate on what is on television instead, etc? Plus, after
having seen someone breastfeed more than once, it quickly looses it's "ooh,
gee, this is ackward" feeling, and does become pretty normal. Just like
having a normal conversation while changing a poopy diaper.
> What I don't think some women understand is that these are step-sons
> we're talking about and they have a biological mother. And being a
> step-mother, you're constantly under watch by the biological mother,
> even if you get along with one another. And I just don't need a son
> complaining to his mother that he is uncomfortable seeing me
> breastfeed. She might not appreciate that.
I think most everyone is pretty clear that it's a stepping issue. But
again, discomfort changes, and usually mellows out and becomes a non-event.
Kids adjust.
> And when I told my step-son "you don't want to know", he replied "no, I
> don't". It was just one of those things he asked, but then realized it
> made him uncomfortable and I could see that. I don't hide anything
> from them, they've seen me wash parts of the pump. I just don't feel
> it is my place as a step-mom to explain it to them. I also never
> talked to them about sex because that's their parent's job. I just
> don't want to step on anyone's toes.
I understand not wanting to step on the mother's toes, but to me, it's your
place to explain it to them if they are living with you, see breastfeeding
occuring, and ask you questions about it. You can always answer their
questions and then tell them they should make sure to talk to their mom and
dad about it as well.
Clisby
"Naked" means you aren't wearing clothes. "Nekkid" implies you aren't
wearing clothes and you're up to something.
Clisby
Jamie Clark
news:jHEQg.10629$v%4.7...@newsread1.news.pas.earthlink.net...
Oh, okay... maybe in your world. In my world, nekkid is just a silly way to
say naked.
Clisby
Yeah, in my world, it isn't exactly a silly way to say naked. It's more
a sly way to say naked.
Clisby
Caledonia
hedgehog42 wrote:
>
> I think if you always nurse behind closed doors, you're not normalizing
> breastfeeding, you're reinforcing the idea that this is something
> sexual. It may even fuel some odd fantasies in their imaginations about
> how it all takes place.
Having zero experience with teen boys, I almost always nursed behind
semi-closed doors in my bedroom -- I fell into 'nursing while reclined'
and found that by doing so, I could also read a Really Big Book.
> Worse, IMO, is that BF then functions as a dividing factor. Stepson is
> confiding in you about bad results of a geometry test when baby cries
> to be fed? "Oops -- gotta run -- we'll talk in 45 minutes -- or you can
> call to me through the bedroom door." You've watching a rented movie as
> a family when baby cries? "Can you guys put this on pause for an hour,
> since we have to return it tomorrow and I really wanted to see it?"
Hmm...after the first few weeks, I never had nursing sessions last 45
minutes -- and during the first few weeks, I really *wanted* a 45
minute break from everything.
> When nursing's done in a matter-of-fact way -- and yes, with attempts
> to be discreet, even if baby disengages occasionally -- then, as
> several people have said, it gets to be old news (i.e., normalized)
> real fast.
Ergh; perhaps for you, perhaps for the teenage boys, but perhaps not
for the OP herself.
Caledonia
Banty
gdco...@optonline.net says...
>
>It only takes my daughter about 10 minutes to breastfeed and I feel
>that a teenage boy is old enough to understand and wait 10 minutes.
Goody.
It always took me at least half an hour each session with my son even after
things were well established. He never was much of a gulper.
>I
>think he will appreciate that more than seeing his step-mom breastfeed.
> It is a little different than if is was your own mother. I know
>because one day the door was open while I was feeding my daughter and
>my step-son came to talk to me and he looked SO uncomfortable.
Maybe if you didn't hide away and thereby make such a big deal of it...
>If the
>baby had a poopy diaper I would also interupt a conversation, movie,
>dinner, etc. and change it.
A poopy diaper *does* only take a few minutes.
>
>What I don't think some women understand is that these are step-sons
>we're talking about and they have a biological mother. And being a
>step-mother, you're constantly under watch by the biological mother,
>even if you get along with one another. And I just don't need a son
>complaining to his mother that he is uncomfortable seeing me
>breastfeed. She might not appreciate that.
That's the way to live as a step mother! Worry every minute what the ex thinks
:-/
>
>And when I told my step-son "you don't want to know", he replied "no, I
>don't".
I think he was telling you he had figured out your sledgehammer hint not to talk
about it!
>It was just one of those things he asked, but then realized it
>made him uncomfortable and I could see that. I don't hide anything
>from them, they've seen me wash parts of the pump. I just don't feel
>it is my place as a step-mom to explain it to them. I also never
>talked to them about sex because that's their parent's job. I just
>don't want to step on anyone's toes.
Oh good grief. So, explanation of let-down, for instance, is a sacred bio-om -
bio-son bonding moment you didn't want to upstage?
>
>So I guess maybe you should ask your sons how they will feel about it.
>But as a step-mom, I understand how you might feel a little
>uncomfortable.
>
I think there's cause to take some simple measures to be discreet. Namely, not
stripping down (gee I never felt I had to do that..) and throwing a receiving
blanket over the shoulder. But you clearly have issues over who-thinks-what and
explaining bf being like the Big Sex Talk that goes way beyond what's practical
or warranted.
I recommend to the original poster to go to alt.support.step-parents for some
really good solid advice on step parenting.
Come to think of you, you should check that 'group out, too.
Banty
Jess
> we're talking about and they have a biological mother. And being a
> step-mother, you're constantly under watch by the biological mother,
> even if you get along with one another. And I just don't need a son
> complaining to his mother that he is uncomfortable seeing me
> breastfeed. She might not appreciate that.
So? She can build a bridge and cope. That would fall under the category of
"this is our house and there are things here that are not open to
discussion."
Unless you're breastfeeding her teenage son. That's an entirely different
story. Yes, I'm kidding. Kinda. ;)
> So I guess maybe you should ask your sons how they will feel about it.
> But as a step-mom, I understand how you might feel a little
> uncomfortable.
I'm a stepmother too. Breastfeeding your child in your own home in a way
that's comfortable for you is so something that shouldn't even come up for
discussion between you and your SS's BM. Circle of control, different
households, all that.
Jess
Ericka Kammerer
> It only takes my daughter about 10 minutes to breastfeed and I feel
> that a teenage boy is old enough to understand and wait 10 minutes. I
> think he will appreciate that more than seeing his step-mom breastfeed.
> It is a little different than if is was your own mother. I know
> because one day the door was open while I was feeding my daughter and
> my step-son came to talk to me and he looked SO uncomfortable.
Well, it's certainly your prerogative to do as you
please, but this still sounds *very* odd to me. I just
can't even begin to fathom what is so horrible about breastfeeding
that one can't do it in front of *anyone*, much less someone
living in one's own home.
And of *course* he would be uncomfortable. He's
never seen anyone breastfeed (in large part because you've kept
it secret), and the clear implication of hiding it away is that
it's something that *needs* to be hidden away. He's being
*taught* that it's something that's so icky that he *ought*
to be embarrassed to see it. If it wasn't embarrassing, you
wouldn't hide it away.
> What I don't think some women understand is that these are step-sons
> we're talking about and they have a biological mother. And being a
> step-mother, you're constantly under watch by the biological mother,
> even if you get along with one another. And I just don't need a son
> complaining to his mother that he is uncomfortable seeing me
> breastfeed. She might not appreciate that.
I can understand that if there's a biological mother
in the picture who is prone to going ballistic then perhaps
you have to consider irrational things. Still, it *is*
(IMO) completely irrational. I doubt I can even count the
number of children and teens, male and female, related and
unrelated that I've nursed in front of--without a single
problem, ever.
> And when I told my step-son "you don't want to know", he replied "no, I
> don't". It was just one of those things he asked, but then realized it
> made him uncomfortable and I could see that. I don't hide anything
> from them, they've seen me wash parts of the pump. I just don't feel
> it is my place as a step-mom to explain it to them. I also never
> talked to them about sex because that's their parent's job. I just
> don't want to step on anyone's toes.
<shrug> Clearly, I'm just not going to get this.
I'd explain to anyone, related or not, if they wanted to
know how something worked (in age-appropriate terms, of
course). What's so all-fired touchy about the whole thing?
The thought of a teenager literally not knowing how
breastfeeding or pumping works is shocking to me.
Best wishes,
Ericka
jeni_...@yahoo.co.uk
Perhaps that depends on what you consider successful. I had no
knowledge whatsoever from my mum who partially bf'd 4 babies, it just
wasn't something that we ever talked about. I did learn a little from
my sister but what I really got from her experience was - well, if she
can do it, I damn well can. I fought with a lot of practical and
embarrassment issues, and I think if I had had no support or good
experiences to learn from I could have easily given up. We are now at
14 months and one morning bf.
At first I was embarrassed and did hide in the bedroom, but that was
because I wasn't confident at bf'ing and needed space to work on it
unobserved. When things improved my approach was to ask adults if they
minded me feeding ds in the room, and they all said no. Or, if it was
someone I knew would be uncofmrtable I would say, 'oh I think he needs
a feed' and the would drift off into the garden for a long fag:). When
my sisters kids were here a few weeks after ds was born and I was still
struggling a little with a smooth latch, I went up to the bedroom to
feed. My neice, who was 9 at the time, was fascinated by *everything*
about ds and promptly followed me up to watch. My nephew, 7, came up a
few minutes later. He looked at me and said 'uggh, that's gross'. I
laughed because I thought it was cute. When we went downstairs I told
my sister what he had said and she reminded him in a jokey way that he
had loved drinking her milk. He made a face, but he wasn't embarrased
and neither was anyone else.It was very lighthearted and reflective of
the gentle but honest way my sister and husband approach difficult
subjects. I think her kids are better for their honesty.
I agree with Frisbee that teeneagers shouldn't be ashamed of their
hormones (and I don't think anyone was saying that!) but also that
women shouldn't be ashamed to bf'd because of them. They *will* get
over it. If it is presetned as something shamful they will always see
it that way - and *that* is damaging to any future wife/gf who might
want to bf'd but not have the support of that man. With practice it is
easy to bf'd discreetly, I have seen plenty of new mums do it. For me
it was embarrasing at first but that was because it wasn't familiar to
me. If I ever had no. 2 I would have no hesitations - it's better than
a screeming baby and people staring at you or faffing about with
bottles.
Jeni
Anne Rogers
> I'd explain to anyone, related or not, if they wanted to
> know how something worked (in age-appropriate terms, of
> course). What's so all-fired touchy about the whole thing?
> The thought of a teenager literally not knowing how
> breastfeeding or pumping works is shocking to me.
I think perhaps this is the moment for someone to produce the picture of a
women somewhere, think it was the carribean, nursing next to some diplomat
or something and just pop her boob out the top of her clothes and nurse her
older baby right there as if it was the most normal thing in the world,
because it is! I suspect the more we watch nursing in untouched communities,
the better we'll do!
Anne
-L.
Ericka Kammerer wrote:
> The thought of a teenager literally not knowing how
> breastfeeding or pumping works is shocking to me.
What's shocking to me is the fact that you (collective) can't get it
through your fat heads that some people A.) Don't care and B.) Don't
want to know.
-L.
cjra
Not diplomats, but last week I joined my husband at a scientific
conference - it was a very small but elite group in his field of renown
scientists from around the world. At drink and dinner every night
(wasn't necessary at lunch of b'fast), I popped out my boob and nursed
DD :)
She's only 11 weeks, but is at that "latch on latch off look at
everything around" phase, so tho I attempted some discretion, there was
exposure.
> Anne
cjra
Sure. Except this kid *asked* implying at least B, and by default if B
is there, A.
cjra
hedgehog42 wrote:
> I think if you always nurse behind closed doors, you're not normalizing
> breastfeeding, you're reinforcing the idea that this is something
> sexual. It may even fuel some odd fantasies in their imaginations about
> how it all takes place.
>
> Worse, IMO, is that BF then functions as a dividing factor. Stepson is
> confiding in you about bad results of a geometry test when baby cries
> to be fed? "Oops -- gotta run -- we'll talk in 45 minutes -- or you can
> call to me through the bedroom door." You've watching a rented movie as
> a family when baby cries? "Can you guys put this on pause for an hour,
> since we have to return it tomorrow and I really wanted to see it?"
>
> When nursing's done in a matter-of-fact way -- and yes, with attempts
> to be discreet, even if baby disengages occasionally -- then, as
> several people have said, it gets to be old news (i.e., normalized)
> real fast.
This is just a somewhat random insertion - but it got me thinking about
how cultures differ so much.
At FIL's last week I was looking at pics of DH as a kid, and amongst
them were many pics of his mother who died when he was 16 so I never
met her. many were summer pics at the beach. in most she was topless.
not doing any thing sexual - picking shells with the boys, playing in
the sand with the kids, etc. All perfectly natural. Needless to say I
didn't need to g o hide in a room to BF at FIL's house...
Rosalie B.
>
>Rosalie B. wrote:
>> I don't agree. It isn't possible for each child to be enough older to
>> another child to observe breast feeding in the family. One of them
>> has to be the youngest. And in my case, although I am the oldest, my
>> sister is only 2 years younger, so I don't remember anything about my
>> mom bfing. Ditto with my mom who was only 2 years older than her
>> brother. My mom successfully bf two children, and my sister (the
>> youngest) and I successfully bf her seven grandchildren.
>>
>> Successful breast feeding does NOT depend AT ALL on whether it has
>> been observed in the family. There are lots of other possibilities
>> between a book, and familial observation.
>
>Perhaps that depends on what you consider successful. I had no
I consider it successful if you do it for at least 3 weeks - longer if
possible. My mom bf me and my sister until weaned to a cup. I bf 4
children - for a year when she self-weaned, 8 months (when I went
without her on a long trip of 6 weeks), 14 months (when we moved) and
3.5 years.
My oldest daughter bf three children, my second daughter had a little
more trouble with the first one, but did the 2nd one until she had to
go back to work. She is an airline pilot and so could not pump while
on the job, so the babies had to be weaned then. My third daughter bf
three children.
If you consider that only completely problem free bfing is successful,
I think very few people would meet that criteria.
>knowledge whatsoever from my mum who partially bf'd 4 babies, it just
>wasn't something that we ever talked about. I did learn a little from
My mom was very supportive of us when we were moms. My older children
got to observe my bfing my son who was 10 years younger than the
oldest. I never pumped - did not even consider it, so they had no
knowledge of that, and had to pick up that on their own.
>my sister but what I really got from her experience was - well, if she
>can do it, I damn well can. I fought with a lot of practical and
>embarrassment issues, and I think if I had had no support or good
>experiences to learn from I could have easily given up. We are now at
>14 months and one morning bf.
>
>At first I was embarrassed and did hide in the bedroom, but that was
>because I wasn't confident at bf'ing and needed space to work on it
>unobserved. When things improved my approach was to ask adults if they
>minded me feeding ds in the room, and they all said no. Or, if it was
>someone I knew would be uncofmrtable I would say, 'oh I think he needs
>a feed' and the would drift off into the garden for a long fag:). When
>my sisters kids were here a few weeks after ds was born and I was still
>struggling a little with a smooth latch, I went up to the bedroom to
>feed. My neice, who was 9 at the time, was fascinated by *everything*
>about ds and promptly followed me up to watch. My nephew, 7, came up a
>few minutes later. He looked at me and said 'uggh, that's gross'. I
>laughed because I thought it was cute. When we went downstairs I told
>my sister what he had said and she reminded him in a jokey way that he
>had loved drinking her milk. He made a face, but he wasn't embarrased
>and neither was anyone else.It was very lighthearted and reflective of
>the gentle but honest way my sister and husband approach difficult
>subjects. I think her kids are better for their honesty.
>
My approach if I was in my own home was to allow whoever was visiting
to deal with it. It was MY home. [unless it was someone I wasn't
interested in interacting with them in which case I'd retire to the
bedroom].
Of course in my day, we didn't go out AT ALL until after the baby was
3 weeks, and we stayed in the hospital for three or four days after
delivery. So I wasn't dealing with being out in public for several
weeks.
>I agree with Frisbee that teeneagers shouldn't be ashamed of their
>hormones (and I don't think anyone was saying that!) but also that
>women shouldn't be ashamed to bf'd because of them. They *will* get
>over it. If it is presetned as something shamful they will always see
>it that way - and *that* is damaging to any future wife/gf who might
>want to bf'd but not have the support of that man. With practice it is
>easy to bf'd discreetly, I have seen plenty of new mums do it. For me
>it was embarrasing at first but that was because it wasn't familiar to
>me. If I ever had no. 2 I would have no hesitations - it's better than
>a screeming baby and people staring at you or faffing about with
>bottles.
>
>Jeni
grandma Rosalie
Mom to 4
(dd#1 age 45, dd#2 age 43, dd#3 age 38, ds age 35)
grandmom to 10
(dgs age 26, dgd age 24, dgs would be 15 if still living,
dgs age 13, dgs age 12, dgs age 12, dgd age 10, dgs age 8,
dgd age 6, dgd age 5 and dgd b Dec 2005)
gdco...@optonline.net
she loves to step in and mother over the phone from her bar stool and
LOVES to hear whenever I mess up. Even though she sees her kids MAYBE
once a month (and lives 15 minutes away) for lunch, she still does not
feel that I should "mother" her children. I had an argument once with
her because I told her son not to eat on our brand new couch! (Please
no one give me a hard time for not letting them eat on the couch - it
was a long time ago). Obviously I am not dealing with a sane woman
(that's why she does not have custody of her kids), so I do what I can
to not "rock the boat". I did a lot in the beginning, but with her and
her ability to lie and try to turn the kids against me, I've learned to
just keep the peace.
>>"this is our house and there are things here that are not open to
discussion."
Yeah, ok. Everything to her is a disussion. But think about it, if
your kids were living (even part-time) with someone else and something
was going on in their house that you were not happy with, would you
take this as an answer and be happy with it?? This is really a matter
of opinion and if the bio mom and step-mom don't agree on something, it
can make things very hard on the kids if the moms choose to argue about
it. Ok, maybe not in "normal" step-family relationship (and I do value
other SM's opinions), but like I said I am dealing with a bio mom who
is a little wacky.
I love my husband and my step-sons. But I do enjoy the alone time my
daughter and I have when I nurse. My house can be a little hectic with
the kids and their friends in and out all day, so it's nice to have
quiet time with her.
cjra
jeni_...@yahoo.co.uk wrote:
>
> Perhaps that depends on what you consider successful. I had no
> knowledge whatsoever from my mum who partially bf'd 4 babies, it just
> wasn't something that we ever talked about. I did learn a little from
> my sister but what I really got from her experience was - well, if she
> can do it, I damn well can. I fought with a lot of practical and
> embarrassment issues, and I think if I had had no support or good
> experiences to learn from I could have easily given up.
I learned everything I needed to know about BF from here! ;-)
Ok, only partially. I learned A LOT from here,and over the years from
friends, and from working in a maternal/child health setting. I didn't
learn BF from my mom only because the topic didn't come up much. I was
the 7th of 8 kids so didn't see her BF - she BF'd all of us a few
months, #8 the longest at 6 monhts, and that was 34 yrs ago. What I
*did* learn from her about BF was not the mechanics but the
naturallness of it. For some reason a conversation she had with another
woman who was publicly BF'ing her toddler sticks in my mind (I was
about 12) - she was offering her support and encouragement to the
mother. 2 of my sisters BF'd all kids, one bf'd the second but had
trouble with the first, the other tried with both and didn't. My 2 SILs
also BF'd all their kids (10 for one, 3 for the other). However, I
never really discussed it with them, at least not the nitty gritty
details of it. I might have it they were local, or we were doing it at
the same time. So, overally from family I got support and encouragement
and knowledge of it, but didn't really *learn*. I learned from friends
doing it now and co-workers (lots of lactation consultants on staff),
and really, I learned the most from mkb.
All that's to say, there are a lot of places one can learn about BF,
not just whilst growing up (tho postive reinforcement of it was key).
That said, if you have the opportunity to teach someone about it when
they're young, make use of that. I'm wholly convinced our non-BF'd 10
yr old niece (whose little brothers were also not BF'd) will BF her kid
one day, given how glued to me she was this past week and fascinated by
all things BF.
> At first I was embarrassed and did hide in the bedroom, but that was
> because I wasn't confident at bf'ing and needed space to work on it
> unobserved.
DD was in the hospital for our first week of BF'ing. The first day they
put a screen up around us. The second time they were about to, but DD
was demanding to be fed NOW and they took too long, I got over my
uncomfortableness real fast. I whipped it out and fed her. From then on
I just didn't bother with the screen. Sometimes I had an 'audience" -
LC, neonatalogist, my dad, the nurses, DH, then the parents of the
other 4 babies in the room.... I was concerned with their (the other
parents) comfort level initially, but figured I'm in the bloody
hospital, I don't have much choice, they'll deal. All the other babies
were FF, except one with a cleft palate who was bottle fed EBM.
> When things improved my approach was to ask adults if they
> minded me feeding ds in the room, and they all said no.
I did this at first with my American friends. And when in Europe with
DH's friends/family/colleagues, I asked *him* if he minded, since it
was his people I could be bothering. He laughed and said "they're
European." (I should specify - continental Europeans ;-))
Now, I do occassionally go to another room to BF, but that's because DD
gets too distracted. When at FIL's during dinner I usually had to leave
- it was like there was too much commotion and she wanted to focus on
the party. But at breakfast when it was just 4 of us, it was fine. FIL
even brought me a special comfy chair for b'fast so I could feed her
while talking to them.
ChocolateChip_Wookie
> jeni_...@yahoo.co.uk wrote:
>
>> Perhaps that depends on what you consider successful. I had no
>> knowledge whatsoever from my mum who partially bf'd 4 babies, it just
>> wasn't something that we ever talked about. I did learn a little from
>> my sister but what I really got from her experience was - well, if she
>> can do it, I damn well can. I fought with a lot of practical and
>> embarrassment issues, and I think if I had had no support or good
>> experiences to learn from I could have easily given up.
Just my two cents worth. My mother never breast fed me because I was in
intensive care for a good week when born, by the time she got be back, I
wouldnt have any of it. Besides that, my mother and father broke up when
I was 14 and she left the country. I have no female friends I was close
enough to feel comfortable asking and my father and husband had as
little clue as I did.
However, when Little_Wookie was born, the midwife just plonked her on my
chest and let nature take it's course - which it did rather
successfully. Later, lying in my hospital bed, I realised that she would
need to be fed once again and frantically tried to remember all I had
read on the subject. I tried and tried but couldnt get any joy...she was
getting frustrated and so was I. I laid back down again and thought
about it. And then I had a brainwave...stop trying and just do it. I
picked her up, placed her against me and off we went. I just decided to
listen to my instincts and it worked. With regard to breast feeding in
public (for the 6 weeks I was able to do it), I must say that I never
quite plucked up the courage to do it. Like another poster, i was unsure
of myself and needed space to work where I wasnt being bothered by
purile idiots oggling what I had. Luckily, when out and about in town,
we have a fairly progressive council that provides private areas all
over the place where a mother can go to feed in private. Some are more
comfortable than others, but almost all had some sort of rocking chair
or comfortable sofa and it worked pretty well. I never found the need to
breast feed in 'public' because I was never more than a few yards from a
private area. However, I did resolve that if needs be, I would do it
whereever I needed and hang the consequences. There has been at least
one incident here in the UK where a mother has been told to stop or she
would be arrested for indecent exposure! This from a woman police
officer too. My experience is that our council is doing every thing in
its power to assist breast feeding by providing these comfort areas and
therefore limiting the need to do it in full view of everyone.
Personally, when on a road trip up north when Little_wookie was about 6
weeks old, I found a spot on a grass verge sheltered by parked cars,
made myself comfortable and did it there with a muslin drapped over us
both. No adult would have been in doubt about what I was doing, but
neither was everything on show. Essentially, the british tend to not
notice what they dont want to. Its simply not polite to notice, so you
dont. Once a mother gets over her own embarrasment, I suspect that most
people couldnt give a monkey's what you are really doing under
there...they know, you know, neither of you has to acknowledge that you
know, so we just go about our lives without having to pay attention and
I think that's how it should be.
Wookie
Banty
gdco...@optonline.net says...
>
>Just so everyone knows what kind of birth mother I am dealing with -
>she loves to step in and mother over the phone from her bar stool and
>LOVES to hear whenever I mess up. Even though she sees her kids MAYBE
>once a month (and lives 15 minutes away) for lunch, she still does not
>feel that I should "mother" her children. I had an argument once with
>her because I told her son not to eat on our brand new couch! (Please
>no one give me a hard time for not letting them eat on the couch - it
>was a long time ago). Obviously I am not dealing with a sane woman
>(that's why she does not have custody of her kids), so I do what I can
>to not "rock the boat". I did a lot in the beginning, but with her and
>her ability to lie and try to turn the kids against me, I've learned to
>just keep the peace.
WHHHYYY are you talking with her AT ALL if you think she's creating
difficulties??
That's your husband's job, and his problem.
>
>>>"this is our house and there are things here that are not open to
>discussion."
>
>Yeah, ok. Everything to her is a disussion. But think about it, if
>your kids were living (even part-time) with someone else and something
>was going on in their house that you were not happy with, would you
>take this as an answer and be happy with it?? This is really a matter
>of opinion and if the bio mom and step-mom don't agree on something, it
>can make things very hard on the kids if the moms choose to argue about
>it. Ok, maybe not in "normal" step-family relationship (and I do value
>other SM's opinions), but like I said I am dealing with a bio mom who
>is a little wacky.
>
You need to get a better since of boundaries, and you need some good and solid
advice on step parenting issues. Get thee to alt.support.step-parents.
A lot of this worry of yours about your ex approving of your household is
self-imposed. IF it doesn't affect HER household, or materially affect your
step children, or get in the way of agreed upon responsibilities to each other
(like getting steps to and from the two households), it's not her business.
Banty
Nan
<gdco...@optonline.net> wrote:
>Just so everyone knows what kind of birth mother I am dealing with -
>she loves to step in and mother over the phone from her bar stool and
>LOVES to hear whenever I mess up. Even though she sees her kids MAYBE
>once a month (and lives 15 minutes away) for lunch, she still does not
>feel that I should "mother" her children. I had an argument once with
>her because I told her son not to eat on our brand new couch! (Please
>no one give me a hard time for not letting them eat on the couch - it
>was a long time ago). Obviously I am not dealing with a sane woman
>(that's why she does not have custody of her kids), so I do what I can
>to not "rock the boat". I did a lot in the beginning, but with her and
>her ability to lie and try to turn the kids against me, I've learned to
>just keep the peace.
You're giving her way too much power over you. Instead of seeing it
as "rocking the boat", you should do what YOU desire and are
comfortable with and not worry about her reaction.
>>>"this is our house and there are things here that are not open to
>discussion."
>
>Yeah, ok. Everything to her is a disussion. But think about it, if
>your kids were living (even part-time) with someone else and something
>was going on in their house that you were not happy with, would you
>take this as an answer and be happy with it??
First, you don't *have* to discuss *anything* with her. You have the
power to avoid a conversation with her.
Well, no I wouldn't just take a blunt answer like that and be happy
about it. I would discuss the issue with my ex-husband, not the
step-mom.
When my ds moved in with his dad and step-mom I had a few issues with
how she handled things on occasion. A talk with my ex cleared
everything up for everyone, and things ran more smoothly.
> This is really a matter
>of opinion and if the bio mom and step-mom don't agree on something, it
>can make things very hard on the kids if the moms choose to argue about
>it. Ok, maybe not in "normal" step-family relationship (and I do value
>other SM's opinions), but like I said I am dealing with a bio mom who
>is a little wacky.
Then realize you cannot control her, nor she, you. Do NOT argue with
her about it. Do NOT even discuss it with her. Do you not realize
you have the power to end the conversation with her if she oversteps
her boundaries? Either hang up the phone, hand it to your husband, or
lay down the receiver and walk away. Of course she's entitled to her
opinion. And it's good that you wish to respect her opinion. But
you're not obligated to allow her opinion to dictate what you do in
your own home.
>I love my husband and my step-sons. But I do enjoy the alone time my
>daughter and I have when I nurse. My house can be a little hectic with
>the kids and their friends in and out all day, so it's nice to have
>quiet time with her.
This is a compelling reason to BF in private, if that is your wish.
Sorry, but it just ruffles my feathers when I hear a woman say she's
allowing someone else to dictate her actions.
Nan
gdco...@optonline.net
decided not to get off topic - the whole wacky step-family thing,
instead of breastfeeding. Sorry.
I appreciate your advice. I know my family isn't the perfect situation
and we have been in therapy. And I do not communicate with her
anymore, but I was saying that I used to and have learned not to
because she is insane.
I just think some people need to realize that others may be
uncomfortable breastfeeding in front of certain people. I happen to be
uncomfortable doing it in front of my step-sons and their friends.
Especially since I am the "young step-mom" and only 10 years older than
my oldest step-son.
But I do not feel like I hide it from them. We have had open
discussions. The middle boy asked if he could borrow my pump and see
if he could get milk from his breast. And they asked if I could sell
my milk over the internet to mom's who can't breastfeed. And they've
asked me what it tastes like. Silly, yes. We're talking about a 14 &
15 year olds. But I have answered their questions and have had open
discussions, since they didn't really know anything.
Ericka Kammerer
Eh, I don't know. I suspect the world would be a
better place if people didn't go ballistic over that sort
of thing, but since so many people do, I suspect it might
backfire or something. Since reasonably discreet nursing
is possible in the vast majority of situations, I'd be
happy as a clam to settle for people being accepting of
reasonably discreet nursing anytime, anywhere.
Best wishes,
Ericka
Frisbee®
Writing naked is okay, as long as you're not sitting in a leather seat on a
hot day.
Ericka Kammerer
> I just think some people need to realize that others may be
> uncomfortable breastfeeding in front of certain people. I happen to be
> uncomfortable doing it in front of my step-sons and their friends.
> Especially since I am the "young step-mom" and only 10 years older than
> my oldest step-son.
If you realize that *you're* the one who has the
problem with it, that's fine. I would just recommend not
pushing it off on your stepsons as *their* problem. There
are people who just feel uncomfortable nursing in front of
others, and that's their prerogative. I think it can be
very isolating and makes it much less likely that many
women will breastfeed as long as is ideal, but that is
their choice.
> But I do not feel like I hide it from them. We have had open
> discussions. The middle boy asked if he could borrow my pump and see
> if he could get milk from his breast. And they asked if I could sell
> my milk over the internet to mom's who can't breastfeed. And they've
> asked me what it tastes like. Silly, yes. We're talking about a 14 &
> 15 year olds. But I have answered their questions and have had open
> discussions, since they didn't really know anything.
I think it's good to answer those questions, which
I think are perfectly natural. At the same time, I think
you have to realize that your choice has consequences.
They may not be the end of the earth, and it's certainly
your right to choose this, but your conduct while nursing
likely sets the tone for a lifetime with your stepsons.
What you do is what they'll find to be normal and expected,
naturally. So, when they go out in public and see a
woman nursing her baby, they'll be uncomfortable because
their expectation is that that's something private and
they know that *YOU* were uncomfortable nursing in front
of them, so obviously others should be uncomfortable
nursing in front of them. Someday if they have children
of their own, they may well expect their wives to
nurse in private, which might have more negative consequences
for their wives (should they choose to go along with that
expectation) than for you, or might set up a conflict
between them.
Now, we all do things sometimes that aren't ideal
for our children's future, so I'm not saying that this is
horrible and you're a bad mom for doing it. And given
the birth mother situation, perhaps this is just a battle
you don't feel like fighting (though I would agree that
I think it would be a looooooong shot that there would
have been any trouble if you'd just gone ahead and nursed
around your house as you pleased, with a modicum of
discretion). Nevertheless, I think it must be
acknowledged that the choice not to nurse in front of
your stepsons inevitably sends a less than ideal
message to them. They can't help but know that you
are uncomfortable with it, and by implication that
they ought to be as well.
Best wishes,
Ericka
Banty
hedgehog42
gdco...@optonline.net wrote:
> It only takes my daughter about 10 minutes to breastfeed and I feel
> that a teenage boy is old enough to understand and wait 10 minutes.
You've got a speedy eater, then. Took all my 3 longer than that, most
times -- sometimes they were nursing for comfort.
> I
> think he will appreciate that more than seeing his step-mom breastfeed.
Well, maybe. I tend to look at teen conversations like this a little
differently. Mine are so busy with their own lives that when they seek
me out specifically to talk, I don't want to let golden opportunity
pass. It's not always possible to reschedule. Even 10 minutes later,
they could be "gone" mentally -- on the phone, computer, zoning out to
music or movie, whatever.
> It is a little different than if is was your own mother. I know
> because one day the door was open while I was feeding my daughter and
> my step-son came to talk to me and he looked SO uncomfortable.
That's pretty much what the gist of the convesation's been. It's a
novelty -- and perhaps discomforting -- the first time you see it. It
gets old really fast. You and your stepson haven't given it the
opportunity to grow old or normalized.
If the
> baby had a poopy diaper I would also interupt a conversation, movie,
> dinner, etc. and change it.
Really? You wouldn't even offer the chatting kid the opportunity to
continue a conversation as you change the diaper? Even from the doorway
and safely out of viewing area?
But even the poopiest diaper, IME, took less than 10 minutes to change.
:)
And here's a question. Presumably, you're out doing things together as
a family sometimes. McDonald's, bowling, soccer league, county fair.
What happens then when baby cries to be fed? Do you seek out the
restroom or your car -- or stay with the people with whom you're
supposedly grabbing some quality time ?
> What I don't think some women understand is that these are step-sons
> we're talking about and they have a biological mother. And being a
> step-mother, you're constantly under watch by the biological mother,
> even if you get along with one another. And I just don't need a son
> complaining to his mother that he is uncomfortable seeing me
> breastfeed. She might not appreciate that.
Oh, I do understand that. Of course, the bio mom may not appreciate any
number of other things that go on in your house, either. But bio mom
doesn't have a leg to stand on here. Pediatricians recommending BF as
the preferred method of feeding for infants.
Bio mom isn't likely to garner much sympathy if she claims that feeding
a baby in the doctor-recommended way is somehow hurting her teen-age
sons by making them "uncomfortable."
What happens if you have another child in 2 or 3 years? Do you require
stepson to mind your toddler while you sequester yourself with the
hungry baby whenever Dad's not home to run interference? Or do you give
stepson a chance to recognize to become comfortable with something
unfamiliar (which in turn makes him more likely to be a supportive
husband someday)?
>
> And when I told my step-son "you don't want to know", he replied "no, I
> don't". It was just one of those things he asked, but then realized it
> made him uncomfortable and I could see that. I don't hide anything
> from them, they've seen me wash parts of the pump. I just don't feel
> it is my place as a step-mom to explain it to them. I also never
> talked to them about sex because that's their parent's job. I just
> don't want to step on anyone's toes.
With all due respect, it sounds more like he picked up on your
discomfort at discussing the topic with him and so changed direction.
>
> So I guess maybe you should ask your sons how they will feel about it.
> But as a step-mom, I understand how you might feel a little
> uncomfortable.
I'd weigh the possible initial discomfort (yours and theirs) against
further loss of already limited time with them. As they see it, the new
baby's already the center of attention in this house-- the baby will
make it harder for you to attend their plays, recitals, games or to
take off to go hiking or whatever. So even if your intentions are noble
(to spare them ANY discomfort or your husband ANY discord with bio
mom), the message that you unintentionally communicate could be "the
baby comes first because he's more important than you."
Lori G.
Milwaukee, WI