frugal humor ?
<RJ>
I found this in alt.jokes
Thought there might be some "keepers" here....
HANDY HINTS
Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa
anytime by just turning on the tap.
Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
refreshed and on time.
FELLAS, Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're
bad at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra
girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.
Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
then urinating into it, before jumping in.
GREENGROCERS, Why throw away old, shriveled, unsold fruit and veg?
Simply label it "Organic Produce" and charge twice the usual price.
Beat the credit card companies at their own game. Run up a massive
bill on our credit cards and then kill yourself before your statement
arrives, thus avoiding repayment.
BUS DRIVERS. Raise your overall self-esteem and self-importance in
life by stopping your vehicle every time a bus approaches from the
opposite direction in order to converse with fellow drivers. This is
particularly effective in rush hour traffic!
IF you like riding motorbikes then always wear leather trousers, even
if you haven't got your bike with you. This will let other motorbike
riders recognise you, while making everybody else unsure about your
sexuality. Wear a neck scarf and cap and start losing your hair to
enhance the effect.
Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into
thinking you have won the Lottery.
INTERNATIONAL master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond
in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him
a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive
women in bikinis.
AMERICAN organised crime leaders. Upon capturing the 'A' Team do not
under any circumstances lock them in a shed full of tools and useful
scrap materials.
OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply
cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This
saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be
used for shopping lists.
MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the
fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.
BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your
accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel
with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting
casually to the passengers.
FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by
holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.
WHEN out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you
can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning
right.
BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his
lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping
to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.
SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and
walking around wearing a miner's hat.
RE-SPRAYING your car? Cover it with 'Cling Film' first. If you don't
like the new colour, simply peel it off and start again.
BUY a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by
standing outside their window and changing their channel using your
identical remote control.
AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels
and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt
by simply peeling it off.
AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to
'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
TAXI drivers, why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your
indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the hell
you're going.
MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking
their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting
them.
harry_c...@iname.com
>I found this in alt.jokes
>Thought there might be some "keepers" here....
You obviously haven't been around MCFL long enough to know what a "keeper"
is...
These were so bad, they needed at least a little help. Things just aren't the
same with Brit humour since Monty Python disbanded.
>HANDY HINTS
>
>Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and
>grazes with thin strips of bacon.
Porky Bacongrease begs to differ. Thin strips offer minimal protection to the
sensitive skin of a pig. Any self-respecting pig knows that all wounds should
be covered with shit.
>Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa
>anytime by just turning on the tap.
Only a teatotaller would think of something so silly. Take the tank and make
it into something useful, like a still. Or at least make hot toddies in it.
>Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
>refreshed and on time.
Or cross the international date line on your trips, and arrive the day before
you left. That way, you can call and give yourself a wake-up call to leave for
the airport.
>FELLAS, Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're
>bad at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra
>girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.
Your girlfriend will be delighted.
>Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and
>slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
Frozen peas? It'll be a cold day... Besides, didn't anyone ever tell you not
to pea in a condom?
>Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home
>by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,
>then urinating into it, before jumping in.
Does the lifeguard stand on the toilet and blow a whistle? Do you get to cover
your nose with white paint and have an audience of oiled cellulite?
>GREENGROCERS, Why throw away old, shriveled, unsold fruit and veg?
>Simply label it "Organic Produce" and charge twice the usual price.
Hope springs eternal for aging single hippies.
>Beat the credit card companies at their own game. Run up a massive
>bill on our credit cards and then kill yourself before your statement
>arrives, thus avoiding repayment.
(aside here, something similar has been done. Car companies used to offer "no
physical" life insurance policies for new car buyers. Seems that they stopped
the offer when terminal cancer patients bought enough cars for their immediate
surviving families.)
>BUS DRIVERS. Raise your overall self-esteem and self-importance in
>life by stopping your vehicle every time a bus approaches from the
>opposite direction in order to converse with fellow drivers. This is
>particularly effective in rush hour traffic!
Lame. Instead, hitch a boxcar to the back of the bus and tow it down the
street. Get a gardner to plant corn in the furrows.
>IF you like riding motorbikes then always wear leather trousers, even
>if you haven't got your bike with you. This will let other motorbike
>riders recognise you, while making everybody else unsure about your
>sexuality. Wear a neck scarf and cap and start losing your hair to
>enhance the effect.
Or have your legs professionally tanned by a taxidermist.
>Cheer loudly at 8.00pm each Saturday to fool the neighbours into
>thinking you have won the Lottery.
Or be laughed out of town if your local lottery is picked at 11PM.
>INTERNATIONAL master criminals. Tell your guards to shoot James Bond
>in the head at the first opportunity. Under no circumstances give him
>a guided tour of your base, or leave him in the custody of attractive
>women in bikinis.
But you can give him a guided tour of your attractive women in bikinis, and
shoot the orchestra to stop them from playing that insipid theme music that
always distracts you from the job at hand.
>AMERICAN organised crime leaders. Upon capturing the 'A' Team do not
>under any circumstances lock them in a shed full of tools and useful
>scrap materials.
Just put a double load in a Habano.
>OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply
>cross out the names and address of people you don't know.
Or, for the womanizer, cross out the men's names and start at "A"
Or, for the reclusive type, cross out all the names.
>WHEN reading a book try tearing out the pages as you read them. This
>saves the expense of buying a bookmark, and the pages can later be
>used for shopping lists.
Madonna's book is ideal for this. Just watch out for guys who had their legs
professionally tanned by a taxidermist.
>MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the
>fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.
Damn, I thought that switch was "Frog Lights." Every time I used it I was
waiting for Kermit to cross the road and do a song and dance routine.
>BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your
>accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel
>with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting
>casually to the passengers.
Or just stop the bus in mid-traffic, extend your arms at shoulder height, and
race down the aisle going "Zooooom! Zoooooom"
>FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by
>holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and
>occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.
Mounting kerbs in public is illegal, now that NATO forces are acting as
piece-keepers.
>WHEN out driving always turn left. Then, should you become lost, you
>can find your way home by reversing the procedure and always turning
>right.
This could take a l-o-n-g time on a cloverleaf.
>BOMB disposal experts' wives. Keep hubby on his toes by packing his
>lunchbox with plasticine and an old alarm clock.
Don't forget to put a switch under the driver's seat of his car. Preferably
one that gives a loud "Click!"
>SAVE money on doorbell batteries by removing them and simply popping
>to the door every two minutes to see if anyone is there.
Or put a whoopie cushion under the doormat. It throws off the Jehovah's
Witness when you answer the door suddenly with a "Did you just fart on my
doorstep?!"
>SAVE electricity by turning off all the lights in your house and
>walking around wearing a miner's hat.
Sounds like the Miami baseball team. <sigh>
>RE-SPRAYING your car? Cover it with 'Cling Film' first. If you don't
>like the new colour, simply peel it off and start again.
Michael Jackson? Is that really you?
>BUY a television set exactly like your neighbours. Then annoy them by
>standing outside their window and changing their channel using your
>identical remote control.
While you're at it, get a duplicate garage door opener as well. Wait until
they are halfway pulling out of the garage, and then close the door.
>AVOID being wheel clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels
>and locking them safely in the boot until you return.
Or buy four matching clamps of your own and use them when you park. That will
prevent police from towing your car, and look very stylish. Or buy a
hovercraft, park it illegally and hide while watching the police try to figure
where to put the boot.
>NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt
>by simply peeling it off.
Or, after your yearly bath, wrap yourself in paper towels. When a layer gets
dirty, peel it off. Just don't fall in a cesspool or stay out in heavy rain.
>AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to
>'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
Or, as above, remove the windscreen and store it in the boot.
Or dress your dog as a metermaid and stand him on the hood of the car.
>TAXI drivers, why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your
>indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the hell
>you're going.
Then *get a map*, so you'll know where the hell you're going.
>MAKE shopkeepers feel like criminals and con men by carefully checking
>their change and holding bank notes up to the light before accepting
>them.
Don't forget to ask for identification.
-----
<RJ>
( lots deleted )
I gotta admit, your tack-ons are a lot better than the originals !!