a letter to the London Observer
Gregory Elich
A letter to the London Observer newspaper from Terry Jones (of Monty Python
fame).
Letters Sunday January 26, 2003 The Observer
I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's
running out of patience. And so am I!
For some time now I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a
couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the
health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson
is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to
discover what. I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's
up to, but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is.
As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good
sources - that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the
street telling them that: if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by
one. Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to the
police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that they need
evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up
with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a
pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his
plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly
murdering people. Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range
of automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace.
But until recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W.
Bush has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and
then I can wade in and do whatever I want!
And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy towards Iraq is
the only way to bring about international peace and security. The one
certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide bombers targeting the US
or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries that have never threatened us.
That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his wife and
children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll leave us
in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable way.
Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing Iraq is
that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of mass
destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as much
justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr Bush has for
bombing Iraq.
Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world a safer place by eliminating
'rogue states' and 'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term aim because
how can you ever know when you've achieved it? How will Mr Bush know when
he's wiped out all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But
then a terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror.
What about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to
eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have
already eliminated themselves.
Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be a future
terrorist?
Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim
fundamentalist is dead?
But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the
only really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims?
It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the tip of
the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who I don't
like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one will be
really safe until I've wiped them all out.
My wife says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the
same logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up. Like
Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for
the President, it's good enough for me.
I'm going to give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in
the open and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic
outlaws and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them
over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to
kingdom come. It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and,
in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one street.
Sincerely,
Terry Jones