Dating While Black In Japan

[Emelia Lute]

Thefirst topic we agreed to write about is dating. Specifically, dating Japanese people in Japan. Kayo wrote her piece from the perspective of an outgoing, independent, and overall badass Japanese lady. Be sure to check it out here.

Then there is language. Japanese language is extremely high context, and the level of mastery you need for a healthy, fulfilling relationship goes far beyond what you need with friends or for business.

Naturally, people who feel exhausted with their lives in Japan figure the grass must be greener at the chalet. Usually you can tell when during the first few dates, your romantic interest asks you how long before you plan to go home, and how wonderful it must be to live abroad.

The most famous is the go-kon (合コン), which is basically a group first date. Many Japanese people are nervous of just meeting one-on-one, so instead they meet two-on-two, or three-on-three. A group of single ladies will meet with a group of single men, and couples will be formed.

I was also surprised by how many couples are formed within companies. Japanese employment is usually for life, so the company can be a second family. When you spend most of your time with colleagues, romance will naturally ensue.

Sadly, sometimes declarations fail. If she friendzones you, tough luck. On the bright side, you get to use one of my favorite Japanese phrases, furareta (振られた, meaning to get rejected)! Might as well turn it into a learning experience.

Also, as you say in your blog post: Speaking the local language really opens up lots of more possibilities. In China most people either speak very poor English, or (for the vast majority) do not speak any English at all.

The truth is (this is my gut feeling, you may challenge me on that ? ) about 95% of the woman will never consider dating a foreigner, about 5% would date both and then there is this tiny tiny fraction of women (actually significantly less than 1%) that will

exclusively target foreigners. They have the same weird motives of mixed blood child and this BS and some want to leave China ( a lot of Chinese people are not very happy with their lives).

Additionally, due to this stupid one child policy and the fact that still to this date women are considered as the inferior gender, men significantly outnumber the women. So there is a shortage of women especially in rural

areas. However, while men tend to stay at home the women tend to move into the big cities. Therefore in cities like Shanghai and Shenzhen women outnumber men a little bit.

Due to these circumstances foreigners (applies only to males) are considered to be stealing Chinese women while women that date a foreigner are considered inferior and therefore dating a foreigner gets a pretty bad touch.

1. Some girls will want to fuck/date/bfgf because you are white. These tend to be 1-3s/10 with the occasional cute party girl, but these girls are low not just because of looks but they will have the worst personalities. Girls that like you for being white, black, American- these girls are the bottom of the barrel, girls that japanese guys tend to not like (its no wonder they suddenly quit and turn to foreigners).

I can 100% confirm this experience. In Tokyo it is easy to get with women, but remember there are over 40 million people living in that area. In reality there are not that many women interested in dating a foreigner, especially high quality women.

Right, the disclaimer. This article is all about my own personal perspective and thoughts about dating in Japan as a hafu (a child of one ethnic Japanese parent and one non-ethnic Japanese parent) woman in her late(ish) 20s. I am aware that not everyone will have the same experiences as me and opinions will differ. Also, if you have read my previous hafu in Japan article, you will understand why I refer to myself as halfie or hafu. Disclaimer over.

Japanese culture is renowned for its general politeness and respect, qualities that I deeply appreciate about the culture. However, when it comes to the realm of dating, my experience as a half-Japanese individual has unveiled a different side of interactions. The contrast in how I am treated compared to Japanese women is unmistakable, a conclusion drawn from both personal encounters and observations.

In the US ancestry doesn't mean much. Most everyone is a product of many nationalities. But Japan has the most pure blood population in the world. When I was teaching, the Japanese students I had were confused when I told them I was German (Pennsylvania Deutsch and German), English, Navajo, and Cherokee. They had a hard time wrapping their minds around that. Most people in the US are of mixed ancestry, so it doesn't matter much there. I married a women whose ancestry was Irish, German, Black Irish, and Scottish.

It is too bad the hafus go through what they do. It is somewhat understandable, but in these modern times one would think the Japanese (pure Japanese) would not mind so much. Most people from the US and European countries wouldn't even pay it any mind. But most of us don't really understand the purity of Japanese people nor do we understand its importance.

If English is Tabatha's stronger language, she'll probably be more English than Japanese in personality. I believe it is impossible to learn Japanese to strongest language level without that level of immersion in ordinary Japanese society and the resulting socialization in Japanese ways. An international school in Japan and an English speaking home for example would not be my idea of "ordinary Japanese society". A white or brown kid who goes to Japanese school and hangs out with Japanese kids all the time will be more "Japanese".

I strongly advise everyone dating or just spending time with friends to not spend a lot of time contemplating why the other person is with you. "Is it only for my looks?", "is it only for my apparent wealth?", "is it only because I'm foreign and a bit exotic?" etc. etc. While one needs one's self defences, too much navel gazing on this topic will make you neurotic. There is also the "people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones" aspect in that it is just as acceptable to question Tabatha's own motivations in choosing date partners. Maybe she'd have more luck dating people who are simply kind than people who are tall, or good looking, or a bit international, or whatever criterion she is using. If she wants a lifetime partner, a short, fat, and kind one is probably a better bet than a tall and handsome narcissist.

It's thirty years ago, but I dated two women several times where I respected their personal space and may have held hands on the third date, I don't quite remember. Anyway, I later learned that other men had slept with them on the first date. Taking it slow can be taking it too slow. "He never showed me any intimacy" etc. etc.

Many of the issues noted here are just variants of the problems experienced by everyone engaging in the meat market that dating is. Substitute different characteristics and the problems will just morph a little.

Most people on dates are really quite nervous, so a lot of the behaviour you see will be atypical. When we are nervous, we are not our usual selves and behave like idiots, especially after a bit of alcohol. And for many singletons, a date can be quite a rare experience, outside their comfort zone. Serial daters may forget this.

That what parents want. Decent income. Maybe a doctor or lawyer. No inheritable genetic defects. Mixed heritage is just one of the more obvious desirable characteristics for many. It's a recognition of desirable status - something potential in-laws will always like you for, without you having to lift a finger. Hardly a problem. You are expecting too much of people. Maybe be a bit less spiky. Parents are parents and that's how they are. Wait until you are in their position and see how you behave. :)

Don't yearn to be acknowledged, or you will waste your time trying to win plaudits. Life is for living. Worry less about others, their opinions of you, and how they behave towards you, and enjoy each day as it comes, being the person you want to be. Eventually you will meet someone and just click.

My child is half, and life was hard in school with bullying that my child had to leave country and me too and so I could continue raising my child with love only a mother could provide. I miss Japan; however, it is not a country for children who go to school the pressure and the bullying is very severe. I don't say these words lightly, I love Japan and the people with all my heart and miss my home there something terribly and I write these words for the hope of change and where children can grow without stigma and with more empathy.

Just last night, the new Miss Japan 2024 was crowned... and she is a full-blooded Ukrainian (both parents). But she is a Japanese citizen (she acquired Japanese nationality in 2022, after spending much of her life in Japan).

There are research papers related to this, but also from personal experiece. The language that you use mostly affects in almost every aspect of once life. I have experience that first hand too. there have been periods of my life where I use heavily one particualar language at the time (Spanish, English or Japanese), in each of those periods how I engaged with people or situations changed from language to language.

2) I get that "wah ha-fu no hito" time to time even now. But most of the time I don't get it as a slur.... Given I don't give much attention to that sort of comments... I am a cynic and fatalist so in my mind when i get those types of comments usually I go "Yes, you have stated teh obious BRAVO!!"... I don't say that ever, 'cause well common sence.

I think is has a lot to do with how you present yourself, who you hang out with, and where. I have seen many so called hafu having a very good and pleasant times with all types of men and or Women not only in Japan but in many parts of the world.

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