Running an application as service (was SRVANY in 2000)
Steve Mowbray
under WinXP Pro.
I have searched help and support but reckon that SC.EXE can only be used for
programs with the correct service control manager Win32 hooks. What I need
is an XP version of SRVANY.EXE if such a thing exists.
Anybody know how this is done in XP
Cheers
Steve
shockwaveriderz-MVP
are you saying that SRVANY.exe does not work on xp?
"Steve Mowbray" <steve_...@hotmail.com> wrote in message news:l01g9.1474$0l.17...@news-text.cableinet.net...
Kadaitcha Man
news:l01g9.1474$0l.17...@news-text.cableinet.net...
Same way as in the older version of NT...
Try these...
http://support.microsoft.com/default.aspx?scid=KB;EN-US;q137890
http://support.microsoft.com/default.aspx?scid=KB;EN-US;Q152460
http://www.winnetmag.com/Articles/Index.cfm?ArticleID=7959
SRVANY alternative:
http://www.prismmicrosys.com/atyourservice/atyourservice-index.htm
--
Kadaitcha Man
Moderator: alt.os.windows-xp
Moderator: alt.support.shyness
Steve Mowbray
and support. I have purchased the Windows XP Professional Resource Kit
Documentation anticipating that the XP equivelent of Windows 2000 resource
utilities would be contained, however this turned out to be a waste of cash
since it is all docs and no software (as far as I can can see).
Am I to assume that you need to purchase the Windows 2000 Server Resource
Kit in order to get hold of SRVANY/INSTSRV and the other resource kit
software. Seems a little confusing.
Anything that you can add would be most helpful.
Steve
"shockwaveriderz-MVP" <shockwa...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
news:#DeFl5qWCHA.2336@tkmsftngp09...
Steve Mowbray
Kit.
Cheers
Steve
"Kadaitcha Man" <hahah...@fooq.com> wrote in message
news:alr71v$htv$0...@pita.alt.net...
Kadaitcha Man
> I cant say for sure, there is no mention of INSTSRV and/or SRVANY in XP
help
> and support. I have purchased the Windows XP Professional Resource Kit
> Documentation anticipating that the XP equivelent of Windows 2000 resource
> utilities would be contained, however this turned out to be a waste of
cash
> since it is all docs and no software (as far as I can can see).
>
> Am I to assume that you need to purchase the Windows 2000 Server Resource
> Kit in order to get hold of SRVANY/INSTSRV and the other resource kit
> software. Seems a little confusing.
>
> Anything that you can add would be most helpful.
Dumbfuck.
Steve Mowbray
microsoft thing if I was smart.
Thanks for the links in your other post.
Steve
PS Still confused at the fact that it seems that NT resource kit is needed
for enhanced work on XP.
"Kadaitcha Man" <hahah...@fooq.com> wrote in message
news:alsj5j$qvl$0...@pita.alt.net...
Kadaitcha Man
> How to I get hold of it. Its not in the Windows XP Professional Resource
> Kit.
You stupid gimp. If you bothered to _read_ the fucking references I gave
you, you'd know where the fuck it was to be found.
Kadaitcha Man
> I sure am. I wouldnt have got involved with computers and the whole
> microsoft thing if I was smart.
>
> Thanks for the links in your other post.
> Steve
>
> PS Still confused at the fact that it seems that NT resource kit is needed
> for enhanced work on XP.
Sheesh. XP _is_ NT, dimbulb.
Steve Mowbray
trialed it.
Thanks
Steve
"Kadaitcha Man" <hahah...@fooq.com> wrote in message
news:alsk6f$vg0$0...@pita.alt.net...
Roofus
good point
Torgeir Bakken
> I cant say for sure, there is no mention of INSTSRV and/or SRVANY in XP help
> and support. I have purchased the Windows XP Professional Resource Kit
> Documentation anticipating that the XP equivelent of Windows 2000 resource
> utilities would be contained, however this turned out to be a waste of cash
> since it is all docs and no software (as far as I can can see).
>
> Am I to assume that you need to purchase the Windows 2000 Server Resource
> Kit in order to get hold of SRVANY/INSTSRV and the other resource kit
> software. Seems a little confusing.
Hi
Srvany.exe and Instsrv.exe is in the Microsoft Windows 2000 Professional
Resource Kit as well.
--
torgeir
shockwaveriderz-MVP
alt.os.windows-xp where language like that is acceptable........
"Kadaitcha Man" <hahah...@fooq.com> wrote in message news:alsj5j$qvl$0...@pita.alt.net...
Torgeir Bakken
> I am looking for a way to run standard windows applications as services
> under WinXP Pro.
>
> I have searched help and support but reckon that SC.EXE can only be used for
> programs with the correct service control manager Win32 hooks. What I need
> is an XP version of SRVANY.EXE if such a thing exists.
Hi
For a free solution:
Take a look at mksvc.exe in the AINTX toolset at http://www.dwam.net/docs/aintx/
The utils are documented in a included readme file, or you can alternativly run
<command> -help
To start the service, use the Services applet or the AINTX toolset's startsvc
utility. Note that "net start <service name>" will not work.
--
torgeir
Kadaitcha Man
> IF I see any more language like this I
> will have you banned from this public
> newsgroup.........stay in your own little world of
> alt.os.windows-xp where language like that is acceptable........
Here, choke on this, you gormless pillock.
air biscuit n. Fart; botty burp. As in "Has somebody launched an air
biscuit?"
almond n. 1. Penis. From the rhyming slang, almond rock - cock. 2. An
imperial measure of semen; approximately one stomach full.
anal announcement n. Fart; botty burp; trouser trumpet.
Apache n. Sex without a condom. Riding bare back.
apple catchers n. Generously proportioned knickers.
aris n. Convoluted cockney rhyming slang for arse. From Aristotle - bottle -
bottle and "glarse"- arse.
arse-feta n. The cheese (qv) matured in the narrow passage leading to
Cadbury Alley (qv).
arse-grapes n. Descriptive term for haemorrhoids.
arse-piss n. Diarrhoea; rusty water (qv); the shits.
arseholed a. intoxicated; having consumed an excessive amount of alcohol.
art pamphlet n. A jazz mag; one handed reading material.
assets n. Of British tabloid journalism, a girls breasts.
aunt Mary n. Vagina.
axe wound euph. Vagina.
B
B.S. US abbr. Bullshit.
baby bullets euph. See baby gravy.
baby gravy euph. Semen; smegma. Also baby boullion.
bacon bazooka euph. Penis; pork sword; the pink oboe (qv)
bag ladies' period n. Superlative of foul tasting.
baibhe (bye-b) Gaelic n. A rough old slapper; a boot (qv).
bald man in a boat euph. Vagina; hairy pie (qv).
Ballarat Aus. n. A fully erect penis. As in Tow are you gettin' on Bruce?"
"Bleedin' marvellous Sheila. I'm nearly at Ballarat". See also Lake
Wendouree.
ball buster n. Sexually aggressive female; cock chomper.
bang v. To have sex; to shag. e.g. 'We were banging, like a shite house (qv)
door in the wind". n. A sexual encounter; a shag.
banjo n. On the penis, that thin ridge of skin connecting the polo neck to
the bobby's helmet (qv).
bannocks interj. Scotch equivalent of bollocks. n. Jockspeak for knackers;
plums (qv).
baps (baaah-ps) n. N. Ireland Breasts. e.g. "Phoaar! Will yer just look at
the baps on that?'
Barclays rhym. slang A wank; five finger shuftle; hand shandy (qv). Barclays
bank - wank.
barf v. To vomit; puke; bowk.
bargain bucket n. An overemployed and over-stretched fanny.
barking spider n. Ringpiece; anus; chocolate starfish (qv).
barse n. The perineum; that little bit between your balls and your arse.
bash-the-bishop euph. To masturbate; toss; bank with Barclays (qv).
bazookas n. A pair of big tits; whoppers.
bean flicker n. Lesbian.
beard n. A woman married to a gay man in order to conceal his homosexuality.
As in: "Do you reckon that Sophie's a beard then, or what?" See also whiff
of lavender, frock.
bear trappers hat sim. Hairy front bottom. As in "She had a fanny like a
bear trapper's hat". Also Davy Crockett's hat.
bearded clam Aus. attr. Barry Humphries Vagina; fanny.
beat-the-meat euph. To avail oneself of a ham shank, perform the
five-knuckle-shuffle (qv).
beaver cleaver n. Male weapon used in axe wounds.
bed flute n. Musical variation on the pink oboe (qv).
beef bayonet euph. Penis; cock, pork sword; love torpedo.
beef curtains euph. Labia.
beetle bonnet euph. Female pubic mound, esp. shaven. From the popular VW
car.
Belgian biscuit n. A vile and non specific sex act performed by the staff of
a rub-a-tug shop (qv). As in 'How much? Fifty quid, eh? Does that include
Belgian biscuit?"
Belisha beacon n. Flashing orange globe on a black and white pole, named
after the Transport Minister in 1934.
bell end euph. The glans of the penis; purple helmet (qv).
bell-swagged a. To be endowed with a large bell end on a contrastingly small
stem or shaft.
bender n. 1. Drinking spree; Leo Sayer (qv). 2. A queer fella. See gender
bender.
berry n. A sexual deviant; kinky person; one who shags animals.
biffin n. Sweat secreted in the biffin bridge (qv) area during intercourse.
biffin bridge n. See barse.
biffon n. That part of the female anatomy between the bottom and the vagina,
which the man's balls biff on during intercourse.
bikini burger n. See hairy pie.
Billy Mill roundabout n. The climactic point of masturbation. From the A1058
Coast Road in Newcastle. e.g. "MY mum walked in just as I was coming up to
the Billy Mill roundabout". See also vinegar strokes (qv).
Billy Wright Famous Everton footballer, latterly rhyming slang for shite.
bint n. Derogatory term for a silly old slapper; a bird; bit of fluff.
biscuits n. The contents of the stomach after a heavy night`s drinking. As
in "Get me a bucket, quick, I'm gonna chuck me biscuits".
blart n. Female vagina. Also collective n. Women; totty (qv). e.g. 'Golly
gosh! This pub is heaving with blart".
bliff n. Minge; front bottom.
bliff mag n. Pornographic magazine; jazz mag (qv); art pamphlet.
blit n. See blart.
blob n. Condom; rubber; rubber Johnny (qv).
blow mud v. To noisily expel a loose stool; crop spray (qv).
blue-veined custard chucker n. Penis. Also blue veined piccolo, blue veined
Havana.
bobby's helmet n. Bell end. From the distinctive shape of the British police
constable's hat.
boff v. To fuck (qv).
boiler n. An ugly woman one would prefer not to service.
bollocks n. 1. Nonsense; balls, as in: 'That's utter bollocks". 2. Knackers;
balls, as in: 'Them's massive bollocks".
bomb bay n. The arse; the area of one's body towards which the rear gunner
(qv) is attracted.
boner US n. An erection; stifly.
bonk v. To boff (qv).
bonk-on n. Erection, as in: `A copy of Fiesta and a box of tissues please,
Mr Newsagent. I've got a right big bonk on".
Boris n. used by females Vagina.
bosch v. To drill a hole between cubicles in a public lavatory for the
purpose of spying on, or making your cock available to, your neighbour (for
example, the future Bishop of Durham).
bott v. A sex act performed by botters (qv).
botter (bot-ah) n. He who botts.
Bourneville Boulevard euph. Arse; fudge tunnel. Used to denote
homosexuality, as in: 'I believe he strolls down the Bourneville Boulevard".
Bovril bullets n. Stools; excrement.
bowk v. To barf, vomit; boy up; create a pavement pizza (qv).
Bowling from the Pavilion end euph. Botting (qv).
box of assorted-creams Aus. n. A sexually promiscuous female, as in: `Watch
yourself there Bruce, that one's a right Box of Assorted Creams".
box n. 1. Vagina. As in: "Look at that lovely little box". 2. In cricket, a
gentleman's protective device worn around the undercarriage (qv). As in:
"Eeeeargh! I wish I'd worn a box".
breast fest n. The summer months during which women sunbathe topless.
brim n. The skirting around the base of one's helmet (qv).
Bristols ryhm. slang Tits. From Bristol Citys - titties.
brown bullet-hole euph. Bumhole; barking spider (qv).
brown hatter n. One who bowls from the Pavilion end (qv) and in so doing
tarnishes his bobbies helmet (qv).
brown sword n. See banjo.
brown trout n. A shite.
brown pipe engineer n. A plumber who comes in the tradesman's entrance.
brown wings n. The honour bestowed on a man after he has completed a
successful spell of bowling from the Pavilion end (qv).
BSH abbr. British Standard Handful. The unit by which breasts are often
measured.
bucket fanny n. A spacious vagina. Also Tardis fanny / twat.
buffty Scotch n. A gay man.
build a log cabin euph. To pass an enormous, solid stool. As in: 'I wouldn't
go in there mate Someone's just built a log cabin"
bulldog eating porridge euph. The vagina in the aftermath of sex. From
Shakespear's Henry IV. "Lo, I see my ladies' bulldog hath been eating
porridge again".
bullshat v. Past tense of bullshit. As in 'Me liar, he bullshat me.
bum bandit n. A robber, outlaw or highwayman, who steals people's bottoms.
bum chain n. A rather intimate version of the Conga danced by those on the
other bus (qv).
bum cigar n. In after dinner conversation, a stool. "Well, if you'll excuse
me I think I'll nip upstairs and light a bum cigar".
bunk up n. 1. Bonk; shag, As in: 'Darling, you look beautiful tonight. Any
chance of a bunk up?" 2. Assistance climbing, as in: "Shit. I'm so pissed I
can't get onto the bed. Giz a bunk up will ya?"
burp the worm See bash-the-bishop.
bury a quaker euph. To release a payload from the bomb bay (qv).
C
cabbage n. Girls; totty (qv). As in "I'm looking forward to going out this
evening. I hope to get some cabbage".
cable laying euph. To excre solid stools. As opposed to crop spraying (qv).
Cadbury Alley n. See Bourneville Boulevard.
camel's foot n. Of leggings and tight jeans, those folds generate in a
ladies crotch when they an pulled up too tightly. See also Twix lips.
can US n. Bottom.
Captain's Pie n. 1. Hairy pie; haddock pastie (qv). 2. Of ship's catering,
that pie which belongs to the captain.
carnival knowledge n. Latin phrase meaning to have intimidate relations
with. As in: "Have you had carnival knowledge with your wife within the last
two weeks?"
carpenter's dream euph. Sexually promiscuous woman. As in: "Flat as a board,
and easy to screw".
carpet muncher euph. One who eats hairy pie (qv). Nothing to do with pillow
biting.
Casanova's rubber sock n. Condom; blob (qv).
cauliflower euph. Sex. e.g. "I fancy doing a bit of cauliflower'. From 18th
C. slang for vagina.
cavalier n. Uncircumcised penis.
Chalfonts rhym. slang Haemorrhoids. As in: Chalfont St. Giles - piles.
chapel hat pegs simile used describe large, erect nipples. A in: "Phoarr!
She had nipples like chapel hat pegs'. Also pygmies cocks.
Charlies n. 70s Tits; breasts.
charms n. In British tabloid journalism, the breasts.
chebs n. Tits; breasts.
cheese See knob-cheese.
cheese ridge n. The fertile area of the penis where knob cheese (qv) is
cultivated. Also banjo (qv).
cheesey wheelbarrow n. The penis, as it might appear while being pushed by
an uphill gardener (qv).
chichis Mexican n. Tits; breasts.
chocolate chimney sweep euph. He who applies his purple headed womb broom
(qv) to dirtier duties.
chocolate eye n. Bumhole.
chocolate speedway also chocolate whizzway n. Bumhole; poop chute.
chocolate speedway rider n. Botter (qv).
chocolate starfish n. See chocolate eye, speedway, etc.
choke the chicken euph. See bash the bishop; burp the worm.
choozies Aus. n. Tits; breasts.
chopper n. Penis. As in: 'That Andy Cole couldn't score in a brothel with a
£50 note wrapped round his chopper'.
chubblies n. A fat woman's choozies (qv).
chuck your muck euph. To drain one's spuds; ejaculate.
chuckles n. Balls.
chuff 1. v. To pass wind; shoot a bunny rabbit. e.g. "Oops! Best open a
window vicar. I believe I've just chuffed". 2. n. Vagina; ladies front
bottom.
chuff mountain EEC n. Surplus of woman guests at a party.
chuffle plug n. Tampon.
chunder v. To produce a pavement pizza (qv); barf (qv).
chutney farmer euph. A manwho rears chocolate starfish (qv); botter (qv).
Also chutney ferret.
chutney locker n. Rectum.
cirelejerk n. A shared round of hand shandies (qv).
clagnuts n. Dangleberries (qv). Also tagnuts.
clam jousting n. A sexual encounter between lesbians. Also Velcro fastening.
clam smacker n. A lesbian.
clarts n. Tacky excrement, such as would cling to the lavatory bowl above
the water level rather than slip into the water.
clear the custard euph. To have a long overdue wank. e.g. "Ooooooh I've got
balls like boulders. I'd better nip upstairs and clear the custard'.
clinkers Aus. n. Difficult to remove poo particles; winnits; kling-ons.
cludgie n. Shithouse (qv); lavatory; thunderbox.
clusterfuck n. A regrettable situation of immense idiocy.
coco sombrero n. Mexican variation of brown hat.
combustofiatulation n. The highly dangerous act of flame throwing with one's
trouser trumpet.
conkers See hairy conkers.
Constable n. A roughly shaven minge.
copper bolt v. A solid stool.
corybungo n. Arse; backside.
costume drama n. The frantic behaviour of a woman who cannot decide what to
wear for a party. See also period drama.
cottage v. To go house hunting on Bourneville Boulevard (qv), looking for
something a bit more solid than a log cabin (qv).
council gritter rhyming slang Arsehole; dirtbox, Council gritter - shitter.
As in: "Watch that one. I hear he takes it up the council gritter'. Also
Gary Glitter.
crab ladder n. Penis.
cranberry dip n. A special recipe for hairy pie (qv) available only during
rag week (qv).
crapper n. Lavatory. From the German inventor of the self-cleaning water
closet, Thomas Shitehousen.
cream v. To ejaculate.
crouton n. An erection; bone.
crop spraying euph. To have diarrhoea. As opposed to cable laying (qv). For
example, a doctor may enquire: "So; how's your old Gary Glitter? Have you
been cable laying or crop spraying"
cumulo nimbus n. The posh Latin term for oral sex; the stimulation of the
clematis.
cunt bubble 1. n. An air lock up the fanny, often leading to a minge burp.
2. interj. Something Paul Whicker says when punching the bishop (as opposed
to bashing the bishop).
cupcake n. A small quantity of fart-gas caught in the palm of the hands and
then deposited in a person's face.
curd n. Jizz, or gism (qv).
curl one off v. To carefully deliver a stool. - curler n. A lump of
excrement so delivered, Also crimp off a length naval slang.
cut the cheese euph. To fart.
D
dags Aus. n. Dangleberries (qv).
dangleberries n. Winnits; excrement adhering to the hairs around a badly
wiped bottom.
dick wheat US n. Male pubic hair. Also dick weed.
diddles See diddy ride.
diddy ride See tit wank.
diesel dyke US n. Butch lesbian; stone (qv); fanny nosher.
dinner masher n. A diner who arrives on the other bus (qv).
dirtbox n. Rectum.
dishonourable discharge n. The shameful result of bashing the bishop (qv).
dobber n. A semi-erect penis.
dog n. Hound; boiler; tug boat; sea monster.
dog's bollocks euph. Bees knees; donkey's knob.
dog's egg n. A dog turd, often 'laid' on the pavement.
dog's match n. Any sexual encounter in public place, in bushes, doorways,
under lamp posts etc.
doggies n. Intercourse in the position adopted by dogs, usually near some
dustbins.
dollymop n. An amateur or inexperienced prostitute.
donkey rigged adj. Possessing a large penis.
double bassing v. To have sex from behind fiddling with the lady's left
nipple with your left hand and her fanny with your right - a position
similar to the one adopted when playing the double bass, although the sound
is completely different.
draw mud from the well See follow through.
drink hom both taps euph. To be bisexual; a switch hitter (qv); AC/DC.
drop a pebble euph. To erroneously emit a small body of faeces whilst
attempting to break wind. Also follow through.
drop out n. When a testicle protrudes from the bottom of your underpants, or
in Peter Beardsley's case, football shorts. As opposed to flop out (qv).
drop the kids off at the pool euph. To have a shit.
drown some kittens euph. To pass a litter of small stools which nobody wants
to give a home to.
dry bob n. Sex without male ejaculation.
dugs n. Breasts; baps; paps.
dunny Aus. n. Toilet. Also a popular knickname for someone called Dunn.
dump v. To drop a log; release the poop payload.
dunkie n. Contraceptive sheath.
dust the duvet v. To bash the bishop, especially at bedtime.
Dutch oven n. The area beneath the bedclothes after ones partner has just
played the dawn chorus on his botty bugle.
DVDA n. Double Vaginal, Double Anal. The holy grail of pornographic video
acts, presumably involving Indian Rubber-men and one uncomfortable woman.
E
Eartha Kitts rhym. slang Shits; diarrhoea. Also the Brad Pitts.
Eccles snake n. A penis with warts.
Emmas rhyhming slang Haemorroids. After the brainy media sex pot Emma Freud,
daughter of sour faced dog food chef Clement. Also Nobbies (qv).
empty the anaconda euph. To have a piss.
F
face painting v. A To adorn ones spouse with Jelly Jewellery
fadge n. A cross between a fanny and a vagina.
fairy hammock n. Panties.
family jewels euph. The knackers; male genitalia.
fanny batter n. Crusty residue found on a hairy pie (qv).
fanny flange n. Clitoris.
fanny magnet n. A flash car towards the driver of which totty (qv) is
attracted.
fanny rat n. 1. Penis. 2. Sexually promiscuous male.
farmers rhym. slang Piles. From Farmer Giles.
farting strings n. An imagined part of the body which can be damaged by over
exertion through laughter. e.g. 'Hey! Stop it will ya, before I bust me
farting strings'.
feeding the ducks euph. Wanking. From the apparent similarity in hand
movements.
felch v. To lick lemon curd out of a tea towel holder (qv).
finsbury bridge See barse.
firey surprise n. To receive a brand spanking new electric fire that you
never knew about.
firing blanks v. Post snip ejaculation. e.g. 'You can put the ribticklers
away love, I'm firing blanks'.
fish mitten n. Haddock pastie; lab kebab; vertical bacon sandwich (qv).
fish supper euph. chauvinistic Carnival knowledge (qv) to which, by rights,
a husband is entitled at the end of the day. See also get up them stairs.
fist magnet n. Someone who deserves a punch in the face.
fitbin interj. A brand new and extremely rude swearword invented by Sweary
Mary for the purpose of annoying WHSmiths.
five knuckle shuffle euph. A one-handed work out to a Cindy Crawford
exercise video.
fizzing at the bung hole euph. To denote sexual arousal in women.
fleshy fugelhorn n. Another musical variation on the bed flute; pink oboe
(qv).
float an air biscuit euph. To release a fart.
floater n. 1. Scotch A turd in the pan which will not flush away. 2. Member
of the crap 70s soul band, e.g. Larry.
flop out n. When the flacid penis protrudes through the bottom of your
underpants, often whilst moving from a sitting to standing position.
florins ryhming slang Shits. From the former florin coin, known as 'two bob
bits'.
fluffer n. A female employed on the set of porno movies to stimulate male
actors between takes.
fnarr fnarr! interj. A surpressed and childish exclamation of amusement at
the utterence of a double entre.
follow through v. To accidentally soil ones underpants whilst attempting to
fart; to obtain russet gusset: drop a pebble (qv).
French wank n. In sophisticated society, a tit wank; sausage sandwich (qv).
fried eggs n. Small breasts. As in: "Do you fancy that Kate MosO "Naaaah!
Tits like fried eggs".
frock v. Of lavender marriages, a cosmetic husband. The lesbian's equivalent
of a beard (qv).
front bottom See fur burger.
fuckwit n. Simpleton; one of little intelligence; bollock brain.
fun bags n. Breasts; knockers; thruppennies (qv).
fur burger See front bottom.
furry bicycle stand See fish mitten.
G
gammon flaps See beef curtains. Also gammon goal-posts.
Gary Glitter rhym. slang Arse. From Gary Glitter - shitter. See also council
gritter.
gash n. Vagina. Conveniently rhymes with "Hoy, giz a flash of your..."
gazoo n. Arse; bum.
gazungas n. Large breasts.
gender bender n. Effeminate, flowery male of varying or obscure sexual
orientation e.g. Marc Almond out of Soft Cell.
get off at Edge Hill euph. Coitus interruptus; withdrawal before
ejaculation. (Edge Hill is the last station before Liverpool Lime Street.)
Aus. get off at Redfern. Scot. Paisley. Lond. Clapham. Newcastle Gateshead
etc.
get up them stairs The cry from a chauvinist male to his wife which
indicates that he has finished eating, drinking and watching football on
telly, and now wishes to retire, to the bedroom to make an ungainly and
flatulent attempt at sexual intercourse.
get wood v. To achieve an erection. As in: "Sorry love, I'm having trouble
getting wood". Also get string.
ghost shit n. A stool or dump of which there is no trace when you stand up
and turn round to admire it.
gick Eire n. Shit.
ginger beer rhym. slang Queer.
gobble interj. A noise made by turkeys.
go all the way to Cockfostersv. To have sexual intercourse. As in "I thought
i'd have to go home via the Billy Mill Roundabout, but she took me all the
way to Cockfosters."
gobshite n. Someone prone to uttering verbal inaccuracies; bullshitter.
golden shower euph. A vile sex act; unfortunate mix-up in a crowded German
bathroom.
goolies n. The colloquialism for testicles least likely to offend a vicar or
grandparent.
gorblimey n. A type of trousers popular among council tenants in the 1950s.
Greek sauna See Dutch oven.
grin like a wanking Jap sim. To grin broadly, as a Nissan executive might do
as he turned (even more) Japanese (qv) as he neared the vinegar strokes (qv)
on his approach to the Billy Mill roundabout (qv).
grogan n. 1. A log; turd. 2. A cute wee Scotch lassie with a twee voice.
grow a tail v. To defecate; build a log cabin (qv).
grub See biffin.
grundle US n. Barse (qv).
grunts n. The type of undesirable bints (qv) who appear in reader's wives
pages.
guard's van n. Of pulling a train (qv), the least desirable position in the
queue. As in: "Bagsy I'm not in the guard's van fellas".
guff v. To fart; let off.
guff cloud n. The noxious vapour produced by guffing.
gusset typist euph. A woman who masturbates.
gusset nuzzler euph. Lesbian.
H
haddock pastie See hairy cheque book.
hairy cheque book See hairy cup.
hairy cup See hairy doughnut.
hairy doughnut See hairy goblet.
hairy goblet Seehairy lasso.
hairy lasso See hairy pie.
hairy pie n. A kipper; Velcro triangle (qv).
hairy toffee n. Dangleberries (qv); Kling-ons (qv).
half leapfrog v. To have sex in the doggies (qv) position.
ham howitzer n. A military weapon descended from the pork sword (qv).
hamburger shot n. A rear view in a pornographic magazine in which the beef
curtains (qv) are visible.
ham shank rhyming slang for a Barclays (qv).
Hampton rhyming slang Penis. Hampton Wick - dick. Also to get your Hampton
Court - an accident involving a zip.
hand shandy n. See ham shank.
hand solo n. A solitary hand shandy (qv).
hand to gland combat n. A one man, three minute bout of gladitorial combat
involving a Spam Javelin.
hanging salad euph. Wedding tackle (qv).
happy lamp n. Sixth gear stick. As in: "I'm homy. Think I'll give my happy
lamp a quick buff.
happy sack euph. Scrotum; scrots; nads.
hard on n. Wood; a bone.
head lamps n. Bristols (qv). As in: "Phewf! I wouldn't mind giving her head
lamps a rub".
heave a Havana polite euph. Take a dump See also bum cigar.
hee 1. Thai n. Minge; hairy cheque book. 2. interj. One of several noises
made by laughing gnomes.
helmet See bobby's helmet.
Herbie's bonnet See Beetle bonnet.
Hershey highway US euph. See Cadbury Alley et all.
hide the salami euph. A game for two players, one sausage and a hairy pie
(qv).
ho' abbr. Whore. A familiar name given to their charges by pimps in floppy
hats, fur coats and pink Cadillacs. As in: "Yo! Ho', shake that ass".
hog's eye n. See Jap's eye.
honey alter n. See honey pot.
honey pot See hairy cheque book.
hoop stretcher n. In kitchens, one who hides the salami (qv) in the tea
towel holder (qv).
horatio n. Posh Latin term used by doctors for oral sex on a man.
horse eating oats sim. As in "She hasn't been shagged for ages. If you put
your hand down her pants it would be like a horse eating oats."
hosebag n. A woman of loose morals. She of bucket fanny (qv).
horizontal jogging euph. Sexual intercourse.
hot dog n. An egg delicacy -something of an acquired taste -famously enjoyed
by the gay cult actor Divine. v. To eat said morsel, freshly laid.
Howard's Way rhyming slang Homosexual. From the shit BBC TV drama Howard's
Way - gay.
how's your father n. Sex. Usually prefixed with ahem. As in 'Fancy a quick
bit of.. ahem... how's your father?"
hump v. 1. To shag; have sex with. 2. To carry heavy amplification equipment
to and from a live music venue.
hungry arse n. The condition afflicting women in tight jeans whereby a
crease in their pants appears to disappear up the crack of their arse.
I
I.B.M. abbr. Itty bitty meat. A small penis.
Iggy Pop shot n. To "whack off over a TV's ass because it would be a pity to
waste it".
Irish shave n. A dump.
Irish toothache n. An erection; bone. As in: "Is that a gun in your pocket,
or have you just got Irish toothache?"
I say! Interj. Expression of joy upon seeing an attractive woman. Attr.
Terry Thomas.
I.R.S. abbr. Itchy Ring Syndrome. Irritating anal affliction caused by
insufficient wiping of the chocolate starfish (qv), or inflammation of the
farmers (qv).
J
jack off v. To choke the chicken (qv); jerkin' the gherkin.
jacked up adj. To be celibate whilst suffering from a venereal disease.
jam rag n. Tampon.
Japanese flag n. The appearance of the arsehole the morning after a vindaloo
curry. As in: "Christ almighty! I think I'm sitting on a Japanese flag".
Jap's eye n. Male urethral opening; hogs eye (qv).
J. Arthur rhym. slang Masturbation. From J. Arthur Rank -wank. For example,
while watching blue movies Jonathan Ross might say: "Phwwoar! What I weally
want wight now is a quick J. Arthur".
jazz mag n. A printed volume of pornographic material; a journal of
gentleman's interest.
jelly water mangoes euph. Large knockers; gazungas.
Jemima suit n. A tight fitting costume worn by fetishists with strategically
positioned openings over the erogenous zones.
Jenny US n. Fadge; minge.
Jimmy Riddle rhyming slang Vicar friendly term for a piddle.
jism n. Semen. Also gism.
jittler n. Helmet cheese.
jizz abbr. Jism v. To ejaculate.
jizzbags n. The scrotum; John Wayne's hairy saddlebags.
job n. A Richard (qv).
jobby Scotch variation Job.
jobby jouster n. A lunchbox lancer who jousts with another man's jobs.
Jodrell rhym. slang J. Arthur (qv). From Jodrell Bank, the Knuts... fnarr
fnarr! (qv) ... ford space research laboratory.
Johnny See rubber Johnny.
John Thomas n. The pet name by which Lady Chatterley's lover (on the level
gardener Mellor) famously referred to his pink hoe, in the famous saucy
book.
joombye (joom-bee) Scotch n. jism.
jubblies n. Breasts; pink pouffes.
jugs euph. Bosoms. As in: 'Pardon me madam, I was just admiring your lovely
pair of jugs"
K
kahoonas (ka-hooo-naaaz) n. Large wobbly breasts; golden bodangers ;
kermungers.
kak n. (ka-k) Shit. From the Afrikaans - keek.
kakpipe cosmonaut n. One who prefers to dock with the rear unloading bay.
kangaroo shagging a space hopper sim. Sexually energetic; promiscuous. As in
"Phoarr! She goes like a kangaroo shagging a space hopper".
keech n. Crap; kak.
keister n. kak hole; arse.
khaki buttonhole See chocolate starfish.
Khyber posh rhym. slang Anus. From Khyber Pass (par-ss) - arse.
kipper n. Minge; Captain's pie.
kipper for breakfast euph. To rise early and go for a horizontal jog (qv).
Kit-Kat shuffler euph. Masturbateress; gusset typist.
kitten hammock n. Bra.
kittens noses n. Nipples.
kling-ons n. 1. Winnits; dangleberries; anal hangers-on. 2. One of many Star
Trek aliens with bumpy foreheads.
klutz n. Idiot. From the German for block of wood.
knackers n. (na-kaz) childish Testicles. As in: "Ooyaah! I've knacked me
knackers!"
knee trembler n. Intercourse while both parties are standing up. Often in a
shop doorway.
knob cheese n. 1. Smegma. 2. Foreskin feta found underneath Kojak's
roll-neck (qv) and around the banjo (qv) or cheese ridge. Also knob stilton,
knob yoghurt.
Kojak's roll-neck n. Foreskin. Based on the bell end headed seventies TV
detective.
kosher dill n. Circumcised salami; Kojak minus the collar.
L
lab kebab abbr. Labia kebab; fish mitten (qv); vertical bacon sandwich etc.
labia lard See fanny batter.
Lake Wendouree Aus. euph. Ejaculation, e,g. "Oh my God... Uuughh! I'm in
Lake Wendouree!" From the lake at Ballarat (qv) Australia.
langball n. A type of dangleberry (qv) which attaches itself to John Wayne's
hairy saddlebags (qv).
langer n. Penis; whanger (qv).
lamb cannon euph. An arms development dating somewhere between the pork
sword (qv) and the bacon bazooka (qv).
lapper n. A musician who plays the pink oboe (qv) a hairy pie eater (qv).
lavender See whiff of lavender.
lay a cable euph. Build a log cabin (qv). See also cable laying.
lead the llama to the lift shaft euph. Sexual intercourse.
Leo Sayer rhym. slang All dayer. Bender; prolonged drinking spree; all day
party.
lepidopterist n. Person who collects butterflies e.g. Val Doonican.
lettuce n. Female genitalia.
lickalotopus n. Latin name for a tuppence licker (qv) of pre-historic
reptilian proportions.
lid n. Bit above the brim (qv).
lils n. Tits.
liquid laughter n. Puke.
log cabin See build a log cabin.
loon pipe n. Anus.
loose at the hilt adj. To have diarrhoea; crop spray (qv).
lose your mess euph. Ejaculate; to shoot ones load (qv).
lotties n. Breasts.
love puff euph. Gentle, lady-like fanny burp.
love spuds euph. A root vegetable found in the shreddies (qv); knackers.
love torpedo n. boastful Penis. As in: "I sank her bacon battleship with my
love torpedo". Also lovetruncheon.
lucky Pierre n. In botting (qv), the busiest botter in a three man bum chain
(qv); the filling in a shirt lifter sandwich.
lunch box n. In British tabloid journalism, that bulge which appears in
athlete Linford Christie's shorts; a penis.
lunchbox lancer n. archaic Medieval term for a coco shunter (qv). First used
by King Arthur to describe the French army. He wrote: "Fear not the French,
for their knights are without heart, and their King without wisdom. But keep
thine backs as to the wall, for amongst their number thou shalt find more
than a few lunchbox lancers, I can tell you".
lychees n. A more exotic alternative to plums (qv)
M
mackerel n. Pimp. (Unusually, a fish word not referring to the vagina).
Madam Palm and her five sisters euph. Wanking. As in: "I'm just off to bed
with Madam Palm and her five sisters".
mammary dandruff n. Morning-after residue left by a pearl necklace (qv).
manfat n. Semen. Also man's Milk
mapatasi (ma-pa-ta-zee) euph. Aus. Minge. As in: "Show us yer mapatasi,
Sheila". abbr. Map of Tasmania. From the similarity in shape of said island
to a muff.
map of Africa n. The unfortunate stain left on the bed sheet and often the
mattress below after a sexual exchange of bodily fluids.
marge n. A loose woman. From margarine -`spreads easily'.
margold n. The ability to do 5 pop shots (qv) in two hours. To do a margold.
After the US porn actor Bill Margold.
Marmite motorway n. Anus; arsehole; back passage.
Marmite driller euph. See brownpipe engineer.
meat and two veg. euph. Penis and testicles; wedding tackle.
meat market euph. Bar or club heaving with totty (qv).
meat seeking pissile euph. Penis; love torpedo.
milkman euph. affectionate Penis; pork sword.
mince medallions n. See dangleberries.
mess n. Semen; gunk; cock hockle. See also lose your mess.
ming Scotch v. To emit a foul smell. As in: "Christ, it's minging in here!"
minging n. Awful. As in: "Peter Beardsley's haircut was minging".
minge (minj) n. Fanny; quim.
minge winker euph. Strip tease artist.
minnie moo n. Minge.
mohair knickers euph. A large minnie moo.
monkey n. Vagina. As in: "Does the monkey want a banana?"
Montezuma's revenge n. Diarrhoea; Tijuana cha-cha (qv).
moss cottage n. John Thomas's ideal home; minge.
mott n. Minge; mapatasi.
muck n. Mess (qv). As in "Shoot your muck"
muck spreader n. Arse; bum.
mud n. Excrement.
muddy funster n. Botter (qv).
mudeye n. Arse; ringpiece; your old fashioned plastic tea towel holder.
muff 1. n. Minge; fanny. 2. v. To shag; have intercourse with. 3. v. To miss
an easy goal scoring opportunity, e.g. "Andy Cole has muffed it."
muff diver n. A footballer who misses easy goal scoring opportunities, then
falls over in an attempt to win a penalty kick.
muff nudge n. The light brushing of your favourite female hairdresser's
waist against your elbows while she leans forward to cut your hair.
mullet n. That strange haircut favoured by country and western singers and
eighties footballers.
mumblers n. Tight women's bicycle shorts through which you can 'see the lips
moving` but can't understand a word. See also Twix lips, camel's foot,
hungry arse.
mung n. A particularly runny type of arse feta (qv).
mustang n. Of shitty arses, that stubborn dangleberry (qv) which cannot he
shaken off.
mutton musket euph. A smaller more portable field weapon than the lamb
cannon. Also mutton bayonet, mutton dagger.
mutt's nuts adj. (Superlative of good) Variation of dog's bollocks.
N
nads n. Testicles; plums. abbr. gonads.
nadbag n. Nutsack; scrotum.
navigator of the windward pass euph. Rear admiral (qv).
Niffkin's bridge n. Female equivalent of the Biffin bridge or barse (qv).
Nobbies rhym. slang. Piles; Emmas; bum grapes. From Nobby Stiles, combative,
bald, false teethed 1966 World Cup winning English footballer.
norks n. Knockers.
norton n. Bearded clam; Beetle bonnet (qv).
O
olivia v. To have sex with several filthy tramps on a piss stained mattress,
all at once.
oil the truncheon euph. To polish the bobbies helmet; collect one's own
kindling; wank.
onanism (oh-nun-ism) n. 1. Incomplete sexual intercourse. 2. A posh word
what the Queen might use for wanking and that.
on the other bus euph. Homosexual; bowling from the Pavilion end (qv).
one eyed trouser snake euph. Penis; John Thomas; pink oboe. Also one eyed
zipper fish, one eyed pant python.
one off the wrist euph. Five knuckle shuffle; hand shandy.
open your lunchbox euph. To float an air biscuit (qv) resembling yesterday's
egg sandwiches.
owner operator euph. Wank er; one who plays with his own pork sword.
P
painting the ceiling euph. Wanking; the one handed snake charming of the
pant python.
pan handle UK euph. Erect penis; wood; a bonk on.
pant moustache n. The effect achieved when the mapatasi (qv) extends
symmetrically beyond either side of the shreddies (qv). See also spiders
legs.
pants 1. interj. Exclamation of dismay. 2. n. Rubbish; nonsense; arse. As
in: "You're talking pants!".
paps n. Olde Worlde Tits.
park the fudge v. To shit; pass a stool; crimp off a length.
particulars n. Of low budget British sex comedies involving police officers,
a ladies underwear; knickers. As in: "H-excuse me medem, but I may need to
take down your particulars". (Fnarr fharr! (qv))
passion flaps n. A more romantic term for an axe wound (qv).
passion pit n. Bed. See also Dutch oven.
Pat Cash rhym. slang. Slash; piss; siphon the python. From the Australian
tennis player.
pavement pizza n. The contents of ones stomach as they appear after barfing
(qv) in the street.
pearl necklace n. The sticky consequences of reaching the Billy Mill
roundabout (qv) whilst having a sausage sandwich (qv). As in: "I gave her a
beautiful pearl necklace".
pebble dash v. To crop spray (qv) the toilet bowl with clarts (qv).
peeling the carrot euph. Spanking the monkey.
Percy 1. UK n. Penis. As in: "Im just off to point Percy at the porcelain".
2. A small green 0-4-0 saddle tank steam locomotive.
period drama n. To describe the moody and eratic behaviour of women at times
of PMT.
pie See hairy, fish, Captain's.
pills n. Pods; knackers (qv).
pilot of the chocolate runway See navigator of the Windward passage.
pinch a loaf See curl one off.
pineapple rhym. slang. Sperm; semen. From pineapple chunk - spunk.
pink Darth Vadar euph. Cock. From the Star Wars character with a bell end
(qv) for a helmet.
pink oboe euph. Penis. As in: "Tell me madam, do you play the pink oboe?"
pink steel n. Material used as an alternative to wood (qv).
pink velvet sausage wallet euph. Vagina.
pipe smoker 1. US n. Botter (qv). 2. A person who smokes a pipe.
pirate of men's pants euph. Swashbuckling term for your jolly Rogerer; cock;
penis.
piss flaps 1. n. Labia; beef curtains. 2. interj. Exclamation of
disappointment. As in "Oh piss flaps! I never win the Lottery!"
piss rusty water Roger Mellie euph. To gargle and spit arse piss (qv); to
crop spray.
pitch a tent v. To get wood (qv) beneath the bed linen, or conspicuously in
ones trousers.
playing the bone-a-phone euph. Wanking; partaking of a hand shandy.
play the pink oboe v. To perform oral sex on a man. Usually homophobic. As
in: "I didn't know Michael Barrymore played the pink oboe".
plinthe n. A large and somewhat redundant penis.
plonker n. An actor who relies entirely on one crap put-down line and a
three wheeler car to maintain an entire situation comedy for years and years
and fucking years.
plums n. Knackers; balls; testicles. Together with melons and large pairs,
the source of much mirth in British fruit shops.
plumber's toolhag euph. The furry bicycle stand (qv); mott.
Plymouth Argyles rhym. slang Piles. From the famous Plymouth football club.
poblycwm Welsh n. People who like quim (qv).
pocket frog n. A fart; botty burp; anal announcement.
pocket rocket See porridge gun.
poe S. Africa n. Vagina.
poe slap n. Sanitary towel.
pogue mahone Gaelic Kiss my arse, to be sure.
poke v. male To shag; screw; have sex with.
polish the lighthouse v. male To masturbate in the bath.
poo packer See Marmite driller.
poo pipe pirate See kakpipe cosmonaut.
poop chute n. Bumhole; arse.
pop shot n. A scene in a pornographic movie in which a male actor is
required to splash his population paste (qv) on camera, after being suitably
prepared by the fluffer (qv).
population paste n. Semen; baby bullets (qv).
pork sword n. Penis; bacon bazooka; lamb cannon etc.
porridge gun n. A tool used to distribute population paste (qv).
portion n. A good seeing to; a shag. As in: "I'd give her a portion, and no
mistake".
pouch n. An aging, saggy mott (qv) that hangs like a sporran.
pugwash Aus. n. Blow job.
pull a train euph. To take turns at stirring the porridge (qv); for a group
of men to all have sex with the same lady friend.
puma abbr. Pants Up My Arse. See hungry arse.
puppies n. affectionate Breasts.
purple headed womb broom euph. Penis. purple helmet n. Pink Darth Vader's
headgear; bobbies helmet; bell end; glans.
Q
quack n. A short, sharp botty burp often followed by an apologetic "Oops!".
quaker n. Stool. As in: "Where is your lovely wife?" "Why, she has gone
upstairs to bury a quaker".
quaz n. Wanker; bell end ringer (qv). abbr. Quasimodo.
queef US n. Vaginal fart; front botty burp.
quim n. A refined word for the mapatasi (qv) such as a gentleman might use
at a hay clarse cocktail party. From the Welsh Cwm - meaning valley of
pubes.
quimle v. To eat hairy pie (qv). I was quimling her, he quimled me, etc.
R
rag week n. 1. A charity event during which students raise money for good
causes. 2. The time of the month when the no bathing flags fly.
raisin bag n. Nut sack (qv); John Wayne's hairy saddlebags.
rake the cage out euph. To build a log cabin; give birth to a Richard (qv).
ram shackled euph. To be engaged in the act of botting (qv).
reach around n. In botting, pouring your partner a hand shandy (qv) whilst
ram shackled.
rear admiral n. A sailor who prefers to navigate the Windward passage (qv).
rear gunner n. In aviation terms, a gunner who shoots one of his own
aircraft by firing his lamb cannon (qv) into the bomb bay (qv).
rectal retort n. Fart.
red wings n. The honour bestowed upon someone who consumes a haddock pastie
(qv) during rag week (qv).
rib cushions euph. Breasts.
Richard n. rhym. slang. Turd. From Richard the Third. e.g. "I've just given
birth to a ten pound Richard".
ride the great white knuckler euph. To play rhythm on ones own pink oboe.
ride the porcelain bus euph. An involved visit to the lavatory. For example,
one which encompasses pebble dashing (qv).
ride the waves euph. Shagging a generously proportioned lady friend. As in
'Slap the fat - ride the waves".
ring n. Jacksie; anus; brown eye; chocolate starfish.
ring master n. 1. The master of ceremonies at a circus. 2. A botter (qv).
ring sting n. Inflammation of the ring (qv) as a result of pissing rusty
water (qv) such as after visiting the Rupali restaurant in Newcastle and
sampling the world's hottest curry.
Roger Ramjet n. Botter.
Ronson rhym. slang Arse. From Ronson lighter - shiter.
root Aus v. To shag.
rope the pony euph. To wank.
rotoplooker (ro-to-ploo-ka) US n. Penis; chopper; whanger.
roundhead n. A pink Darth Vadar (qv) after the surgical removal of his
Kojak's roll-neck (qv); a yiddled whanger.
round up the tadpoles euph. To wank; bash the bishop.
rub-a-tug shop n. Down market brothel; house of ill repute.
rubber Johnny n. A blob; contraceptive. Also rubber.
rug munchers n. See fanny noshers.
rump gully n. Viewed from Biffin bridge (qv), the gradually sloping valley
beyond kak canyon.
rumpy pumpy n. A polite term for sexual intercourse used by professional
people, vicars etc.
russet gusset n. Skidmarks (qv) or dangleberry (qv) smudging of the
shreddies (qv).
rusty sheriffs badge euph. Ride along Biffin bridge (qv) from John Wayne's
hairy saddlebags (qv) and there it is, right in the middle of kak canyon.
Just before rump gulley.
rusty water See piss rusty water.
S
saddle bags n. 1. Labia; piss flaps. 2. Scrotum. As in John Wayne's hairy
saddlebags.
salami slapper n. One who tolls upon their own bell end (qv); a wanker.
salmon canyon n. The area beyond the beef curtains (qv); that boat crewed by
the bald man (qv); fanny.
sausage jockey n. Anyone who sits on a sausage and bounces up and down.
homophobic Botter.
sausage sandwich n. A juicy salami slipped between two pink baps, the end
result of which is a pearl necklace (qv).
SBD abbr. Silent but deadly. A subtle release of pungent botty gas. Also
silent but violent.
scumbag n. The ultimate term of abuse known to Garry Bushell and other
tabloid journalists.
sea monster See swamp donkey.
serpent socket euph. That hole with which the one eyed trouser snake (qv)
connects.
shaft 1. v. To shag; screw. 2. The penis. 3. The black private dick that's a
sex machine to all the chicks.
shag v. To have sex; to fuck. n. A sexual encounter; a screw.
shagability n. A measurement of how shaggable a person is.
shaggable n. One who has a high degree of shagability.
shagged out n. Exhausted; jiggered; buggered; fucked.
shake the lettuce euph. fem. Girly expression for having a piss.
shaking hands with the unemployed euph. A wrestling bout between Hand Solo
and the pink Darth Vadar; wanking.
shampoo the rug euph. To lose one's population paste (qv) on a mapatasi
(qv). Often when getting off at Edge Hill (qv).
shave a horse euph. To have a piss; take a leak.
shed n. A large, promiscuous woman; slag. Somewhere to stick your tools.
Sherman rhym. slang. Masturbate. Sherman tank - wank.
shirt lifter See uphill gardener.
shit a brick 1. interj. Exclamation of surprise. 2. euph. To be scared. See
shit your pants.
shiter (shy-tuh) n. Arse; kak cannon. That which shites.
shite house (shyt-howss) n. Outside lavatory.
shit faced n. Arseholed; intoxicated; drunk to excess. As in: 'I saw that
Rory McGrath the other night. He was shit faced".
shit locker n. Arse; bomb bay.
shit stabber n. Pork swordsman.
shitter n. 1. Anus; kakpipe. 2. Lavatory.
shit your pants v. To be scared; drop a brick; cake ones keeks.
shoot bunnies posh euph. To fart; pass wind; blow off.
shoot in your boot euph. To be excited. Of Jimi Hendrix, Little Richard
said: "Jimi made my big toe shoot right up in my boot".
shoot your load v. To ejaculate; lose your mess; discharge the porridge gun
(qv).
shoulder boulders n. Large breasts; gazungas.
shreddies n. Undercrackers; kecks; underpants; trolleys.
Sigourney Weaver rhym. slang Beaver; Davey Crockett's hat.
sing sweet violets euph. Airy alternative to building a log cabin (qv); to
take a dump.
siphon the python euph. Point Percy (qv) at the porcelain; have a piss.
sixth gear n. Wanking, esp. in a parked car.
skid marks n. Severe russet gusset (qv); pebble dashing (qv) of the
undercrackers.
slap the monkey See bash the bishop.
skin boat n. Penis. As in: "I'll take the old skin boat to tuna town". attr.
Burgess Meredith.
skin flick n. Art house film; blue movie; mamba matinee.
skin flute See fleshy flugelhom, bed flute.
skull buggery euph. Pugwash; salami sucking.
slapper n. Slag; dirty woman. She who has been a round a bit.
slash n. A piss; wee wee.
slash and burn n. 1. Deforestation technique. 2. A painful symptom of
venereal disease.
slime (ss-loym) Aus v. To ejaculate; chuck ones muck. As in: "Hev yer slimed
yet Bruce?" "Will yer shat ap Sheila, ya puttin'me orf".
sloppy seconds n. To be towards the back of a train (qv). See also stirring
the porridge.
slit n. Blit; fanny; vertical bacon sandwich.
smoke the bald man euph. To light up a salami cigarette. Also smoke the
white owl.
snatch n. Quim; vagina.
snatch mouse n. Tampon.
snowball v. To blow salami cigarette smoke back into the tobacconists mouth.
Sort of thing.
soapy tit wank n. Sausage sandwich (qv) served in the bath or shower.
sour apple quickstep euph. Suffering from diarrhoea. As in: "Your wife is
taking rather a long time in the powder room". "Yes, I'm afraid she's
dancing the sour apple quickstep this evening". See also Tijuana cha-cha.
spadger Aus n. Vagina.
spam alley n. The ideal venue for spam javelin (qv) throwing.
spam javelin n. Penis.
spam sceptre euph. Penis; pork sword (qv); cock.
spasm chasm See spam alley.
spend tuppence in ha'pennies and farthings euph. To pass loose stools; have
diarrhoea.
spider's legs n. Of muffs (qv) rogue pubic hairs which protrude beyond the
the knicker line.
spit roast n. To be simultaneously skewered at both ends by pork swords
(qv); a sausage jockey (qv) who plays a pink oboe (qv) whilst still in the
saddle.
splash me boots euph. To have a piss.
split a kipper euph. male To have sex. As in "This lady appears to like me.
With luck I may later have the opportunity to split a kipper".
sponge n. Of homosexual relationships, the submissive, feminine partner; the
noshee as opposed to the nosher. Usually the thin one. See also stone.
spooge US n. Semen.
sprogdrop n. Pregnancy. As in: "Congratulations. I hear your wife's
suffering from sprogdrop".
spunk n. 1. slang Semen. 2. Spirit; pluck. 3. Tinder made from fungus. 4.
Aus. Good looking man; dish; hunk.
spunk dustbin See bucket fanny, box of assorted creams (qv). Also spunk
bucket.
spurt your curd euph. Spread your spunk; infect others with your pluck and
spirit.
squirts n. The condition also known as the sour apple quick step. Also
squitters, squite.
steak drapes n. Gammon goalposts; beef curtains (qv).
stench trench disaffictionate euph. Fanny.
steg n. Woman resembling a ferocious, spiny, squat, prehistoric dinosaur,
abbr. Stegosaurus. See also shed; swamp donkey.
sticky belly flap cock n. A post wank condition suffered by bishop bashers
(qv).
stiffy n. A bone on; erection.
Stilton muffle n. Pungent and unwashed fish mitten (qv).
stirring the porridge euph. To have sloppy seconds; to dip into a box of
assorted creams (qv).
stoat n. Beaver; hairy clam.
stone n. Of gay men and women, the opposite of a sponge (qv). The dominant
partner. And usually no oil painting either.
strain your greens euph. To have a piss.
strangle Kojak euph. Male masturbation; peeling the carrot; stroking the
wookie. See Kojaks roll-neck.
stroke mag n. Top shelf literature; art pamphlet; gentleman's interest
magazine.
swamp donkey n. A female bereft of physical beauty; tug boat; boiler; sea
monster; steg.
switch hitter US n. Bisexual; AC/DC; one who bends both ways. Deriv.
baseball - the ability to bat with both hands.
sword swallower n. Sword as in the pork variety.
T
tackle See wedding tackle.
tackleshack n. Underpants.
tadger n. Penis.
tadpole yoghurt euph. A dressing to accompany a sausage sandwich (qv).
tagnuts n. Winnits; dangleberries; mince medallions.
tail gunner See rear gunner.
taint n. Niffkin's bridge (qv). "Tain't arse and 'tain't fanny".
take a Chinese singing lesson euph. Have a piss.
taking Captain Picard to warp speed TV baldy / cock euph. Masturbation;
strangling Kojak.
tallywhacker n. jovial Penis; old man.
Tardis fanny n. Deceptively spacious snatch (qv); bargain bucket (qv).
tatty water (ta-tee-wa-ta) n. Spud juice; semen. Literally - potato water.
tea towel holder euph. Anus. From the 1950s plastic 'finger poke style'
kitchen accessory.
technicolour yawn See pavement pizza.
teggat n. A short tea towel holder (qv) and the fish mitten (qv). From ten
pin bowling.
tenpin v. To place digits simultaneously in the tea towel holder (qv) and
the fish mitten (qv). From ten pin bowling.
thrap v. To masturbate furiously; to give it six nowt on the Right
Honourable member for Underpants.
three legged beaver euph. Homosexual.
thruppeny bits rhym. slang Tits. abbr. thrups.
throwing a Woodbine down Northumberland Street euph. Newcastle Unsatisfying
sex with a bucket fannied (qv) individual. As in: "Why man, it was like
throwin' a fuckin' Woodbine doon Northumberland Street". Also Leeds throwing
a sausage up Briggate.
thunder box n. archaic Lavatory; water closet.
thunder mug n. Chamber pot.
Tijuana cha-cha n. Diarrhoea. See sour apple quickstep.
tiffter n. An unwanted erection.
tit fairies n. The fictional visitors who magically transform the wife's
fried eggs (qv) into TNTs (qv) during pregnancy.
tit wank See soapy tit wank.
TNTs abbr. Two nifty tits.
toosh n. Totty. From US tush v. meaning arse.
tonsil hockey n. Kissing. As in: "Fancy a game of tonsil hockey?"
top bollocks n. Breasts.
topless hand shandy n. A service available from rub-a-tug shops (qv) for
between £5 and £25.
toss v. 1. To wank. 2. To flip pancakes during cooking.
toss parlour See rub-a-tug shop.
tosspot n. A person held in low esteem; a fuckwit.
totty n. chauvinistic Girls; fanny. As in: "Hey, this car's a fanny magnet
(qv). Since I bought it I've had to beat off the totty with a shitty stick".
touching cloth n. The stage immediately after turtles head (qv) when the
stool establishes contact with the undergarments. As in: "Is there a toilet
anywhere round here mate? I'm touching cloth".
tradesmen's entrance euph. Back passage.
train See pull a train.
trolleys n. Kecks; underpants.
trots See squirts.
trouser cough n. Fart; botty burp.
trouser Mauser n. A small rapid firing porridge gun (qv).
trouser trumpet n. 1. A fart. 2. The anus.
tubesteak n. A beef bayonet on the bone.
tug boat n. A woman of plain appearance and a compact, muscular build; swamp
donkey (qv).
tummy truncheon n. Sixth gear stick; porridge gun; penis.
tuna town n. Female genitalia. See also skin boat.
tuppence licker n. Lesbian.
turning Japanese euph. Wanking. See also grin like a wanking Jap.
turtle's head n. The initial protrusion of a stool though the chocolate
starfish (qv); the point at which contracts are exchanged for the building
of a log cabin (qv). See also touching cloth.
twat n. 1. A stupid person. 2. A minge.
two puppies fighting in a bag euph. Large, mobile and unrestrained breasts.
two up n. Two up.
Twix lips n. A front bottom (qv) version of hungry arse (qv). See also
camel's foot.
U
U blocker n. A turd so big it causes a jobbie jam in the plumbing system.
U.D.I. Unidentified drinking injury. A mysterious injury received during a
bender (qv) and of which the victim has no recollection.
undefuckable adj. Damaged beyond repair.
up to your nuts in guts euph. male Aus. Engaged in sexual intercourse.
undercarriage n. Genitalia (male or fem); wedding tackle.
undercrackers n. Keeks; shreddies; Y fronts.
unit n. Penis. As in: "I slipped her my unit".
uphill gardener euph. He who hoes on the pink allotments; the pusher of a
cheesey wheelbarrow (qv) up the kak canyon; a male homosexual.
V
vadge n. Vagina; fish mitten. Also US vag.
Valentines Day porridge n. Semen.
veiny bang stick n. Penis; one eyed trouser snake.
Velcro triangle n. Minge; mott; mapatasi. Also Velcro valley.
vertical bacon sandwich n. That which is clearly visible in hamburger shots
(qv). Also vertical smile, vertical taco.
vinegar strokes n. male The final, climactic stages of intercourse or
masturbation. As in: "Would you believe it? The phone rang just as I was
getting onto the vinegar strokes". From the similar facial expressions
achieved when sipping vinegar.
vixen n. A wily bird; a young temptress; a foxy chick. e.g. Stevie Nicks in
about 1978.
vixer n. A sausage eater (not euph.) who hogs all the beach beds on foreign
holidays.
vurp n. A burp which brings up a small but foul tasting quantity of stomach
contents, small enough to be gulped straight back down again.
W
walnut n. Gland up the male arse which causes immediate ejaculation when
poked.
walnut manouvre n. The mythical method by which good looking nurses are
trained to poke your walnut (qv) in order to obtain a sperm sample.
wank 1. n. Rubbish; nonsense. "That is a load of wank". 2. n. Masturbation.
"That was a dead good wank". 3. v. To masturbate. "I really enjoy wanking".
wanker n. 1. He who wanks. 2. A fellow road user; a motorist at whom one
waves. As in: "Yeah... and you too, you wanker".
wankily adj. Badly; sub standard. "He did that really wankily".
wank sock n. A sock used in wanking. Possibly tied to a bed post and
designed to indicate when wind conditions are suitable for masturbation.
wanking spanners n. Hands.
wap-waps n. Breasts. Also dedoo-wap-waps.
waz v. variously To piss; to puke; to wank.
wazzed adj. To be pissed, puked or wanked, presumably.
wear the beard v. To perform oral sex on a woman. Of lesbians, the stone
(qv). As in: "You can tell she wears the beard". Not to be confused with
beard (qv).
wedding tackle n. The male genitalia.
wedge v. To pull another's underpants up the crack of their arse. n. A
wedgie.
welly top n. A term used to describe the vagina. "She had a fanny like a
welly top".
whanger n. Large penis. As in: "My, that's a fair whanger you have in your
pants".
wheek v. Scotch. To remove shit from an aeroplane toilet.
wheel tapping at the Bourneville factory euph. Dabbling in homosexual
practices; the apprenticeship served prior to qualifying as a fully fledged
coco shunter (qv).
whidgey n. Eire Front bottom.
whiff of lavender euph. Suspicion of a beard (qv) bride. As in: "I don't
know about Edward. There's a whiff of lavender about that marriage".
white mouse n. Tampon.
whitewater wristing euph. To pull your pud; masturbate.
white wee wee n. Planet Skaros Dalek term for semen.
willnots n. Tagnuts; dangleberries. Arse fudge entwined in the kak canyon
foliage which simply will not come off.
Willy Woofter rhym. slang Poofter.
wind jammer n. A brownpipe engineer (qv) who leaves his tool in the wind
pipe.
winky 1. n. A baby's cock. 2. adj. Having a tendency to wink.
winkybag 1. n. A baby's scrotum. 2. n. An ugly woman who winks a lot.
winnie n. Lesbian; she who licks the honey pot.
winnit n. Kling-on; dangleberry (qv); brown room hangers on.
wood n. Erectness of the cock. "I have got wood".
woody n. An erection.
X
X-ray specs n. Spectacles usually available by mail order only from crappy
magazines which enable the wearer to see through a woman's clothing.
XXX A special video certificate awarded to pornographic films of
exceptionally poor sound and picture quality.
xylophone v. To move along a fine of naked women who are all bending down,
and spank their bottoms - which are of varying sizes - with ones penis; to
play a tune on womens buttocks. From the Greek xylo meaning wood (qv) and
phonnicus meaning to hit tunefully.
Y
yabba dabbas n. The climactic stages of intercourse; vinegar strokes (qv).
yak n. 1. A large, hairy animal of untidy appearance. 2. Feminist's beaver
(qv); minge with a pant moustache (qv).
Y bone steak n. The female opposite of a tubesteak (qv).
yongles US n. Testicles.
yank the plank euph. To spank your plank.
yarbles n. Testicles. attr. A Clockwork Orange.
Z
zeps abbr. Zeppelins euph. Large breasts. Also Hindenburgs.
zig-a-zig ahhh! onomatopoeia To have a bloody good wank while watching a
Spice Girls video.
Zinzanbrook (zin-zan-bruk) NZ rhym. slang Fuck; have sex.
zipperfish n. Penis; trouser trout; underpant eel, etc.
zorba v. To have sex with a native whilst on holiday in Greece. As in: "Did
you zorba?"
zuffle v. To wipe one's cock on the curtains after having sex in a posh
bird's house.
Steve Mowbray
get hold of a simple utility (although I might need the other stuff in the
end).
Thanks for the other info in your previous post
Steve
"Torgeir Bakken" <Torgeir.B...@hydro.com> wrote in message
news:3D823323...@hydro.com...
Kadaitcha Man
> Cheers for that, seems a bit stupid to me to be spending $200 primarily to
> get hold of a simple utility (although I might need the other stuff in the
> end).
It used be available as a free download at
ftp://ftp.microsoft.com/bussys/winnt_public/reskit/nt35/i386/i386.exe
go to the ms ftp site and have a browse around... the link above is dead.
Steve Mowbray
ftp://ftp.microsoft.com/bussys/winnt/winnt-public/reskit/nt40/i386/
Thanks for that, saved me some cash and an amazon delivery wait.
Steve
"Kadaitcha Man" <hahah...@fooq.com> wrote in message
news:altosh$hp5$0...@pita.alt.net...
Torgeir Bakken
> "Steve Mowbray" <steve_...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
> news:Wstg9.3327$7D7.36...@news-text.cableinet.net...
> > Cheers for that, seems a bit stupid to me to be spending $200 primarily to
> > get hold of a simple utility (although I might need the other stuff in the
> > end).
>
> It used be available as a free download at
> ftp://ftp.microsoft.com/bussys/winnt_public/reskit/nt35/i386/i386.exe
>
> go to the ms ftp site and have a browse around... the link above is dead.
Well, your link looks to be for NT 3.5. The resource kits for Win2k (Pro/Server)
are *not* free, you will not find any MS download links for those...
--
torgeir
Kadaitcha Man
> Cool, its there.
>
> ftp://ftp.microsoft.com/bussys/winnt/winnt-public/reskit/nt40/i386/
>
> Thanks for that, saved me some cash and an amazon delivery wait.
Send me half of what you saved ;-)
Torgeir Bakken
> Cool, its there.
>
> ftp://ftp.microsoft.com/bussys/winnt/winnt-public/reskit/nt40/i386/
>
> Thanks for that, saved me some cash and an amazon delivery wait.
Note that this is the NT 4.0 version. It might work on Win2k/WinXP, it might not
;-) If it does, good for you :-)
srvany.exe from the download above:
9 kb, dated 1998-11-22
srvany.exe from the Win2k Pro Resource Kit:
16 kb, dated 1999-12-21
--
torgeir
Kadaitcha Man
Look, dumbfuck, the guy only wants a copy of SRVANY. Both the NT3.5 and
NT4.0 reskits are free, and both have SRVANY. Now, are you going to assert
that SRVANY for NT3.5 or NT4 will not function, you fuckwitted berk?
Steve Mowbray
"Kadaitcha Man" <hahah...@fooq.com> wrote in message
news:altquc$lui$0...@pita.alt.net...
Steve Mowbray
Not tried it yet but I am assuming that the basic SCM api has not changed
much from NT4 to XP Pro, I also have the non-MS utils to try also.
I have trialed the SRVANY alternative suggested by k-man:
http://www.prismmicrosys.com/atyourservice/atyourservice-index.htm
which is working but costs a small amount
Cheers
Steve
"Torgeir Bakken" <Torgeir.B...@hydro.com> wrote in message
news:3D826E04...@hydro.com...
Torgeir Bakken
> Both the NT3.5 and
> NT4.0 reskits are free, and both have SRVANY.
Actually not correct, The NT 4.0 reskit is not free. The downloads you find here
ftp://ftp.microsoft.com/bussys/winnt/winnt-public/reskit/nt40/i386/
is only a small sub-set, it contains only the ones that are updated (bug-fixed).
I guess MS put them up for "free" to make it easy for both themself and for the
customes that has bought the Resource Kit.
--
torgeir
Kadaitcha Man
> Steve Mowbray wrote:
>
> > Cool, its there.
> >
> > ftp://ftp.microsoft.com/bussys/winnt/winnt-public/reskit/nt40/i386/
> >
> > Thanks for that, saved me some cash and an amazon delivery wait.
>
> Note that this is the NT 4.0 version. It might work on Win2k/WinXP, it
might not
> ;-) If it does, good for you :-)
You stupid fuck.
Kadaitcha Man
> Tell you what, you get to insult me for free from now on.
No deal. I insult everyone and never ask for payment.
Kadaitcha Man
Ok, so you're a pedantic fuckwit. Big deal.
Torgeir Bakken
> "Torgeir Bakken" <Torgeir.B...@hydro.com> wrote in message
> news:3D826E04...@hydro.com...
> > Steve Mowbray wrote:
> >
> > > Cool, its there.
> > >
> > > ftp://ftp.microsoft.com/bussys/winnt/winnt-public/reskit/nt40/i386/
> > >
> > > Thanks for that, saved me some cash and an amazon delivery wait.
> >
> > Note that this is the NT 4.0 version. It might work on Win2k/WinXP, it
> > might not ;-) If it does, good for you :-)
>
> You stupid fuck.
Well, some of the utilities in the NT 4.0 Resource Kit does not work on
Win2k/WinXP, so you can't be sure before you have tested...
--
torgeir
Torgeir Bakken
> Noted and thanks.
>
> Not tried it yet but I am assuming that the basic SCM api has not changed
> much from NT4 to XP Pro, I also have the non-MS utils to try also.
>
> I have trialed the SRVANY alternative suggested by k-man:
> http://www.prismmicrosys.com/atyourservice/atyourservice-index.htm
> which is working but costs a small amount
The NT 4.0 RK ftp link is a bit of a dead end, because instsrv.exe is missing
there (in it needed in addition to srvany.exe)
But the srvany.exe/instsrv.exe from the NT 3.5 RK works on WinXP, see my other
post.
--
torgeir
Torgeir Bakken
> "Torgeir Bakken" <Torgeir.B...@hydro.com> wrote in message
> news:3D8274F7...@hydro.com...
> > Kadaitcha Man wrote:
> >
> > > Both the NT3.5 and
> > > NT4.0 reskits are free, and both have SRVANY.
> >
> > Actually not correct, The NT 4.0 reskit is not free. The downloads you
> > find here
> > ftp://ftp.microsoft.com/bussys/winnt/winnt-public/reskit/nt40/i386/
> > is only a small sub-set, it contains only the ones that are updated
> > (bug-fixed). I guess MS put them up for "free" to make it easy for both
> > themself and for the customes that has bought the Resource Kit.
>
> Ok, so you're a pedantic fuckwit. Big deal.
Better that than being one that spreads mis-information like some other people
here do ;-)
Ok, now I have tested a bit, and here is the conclusion:
The link
ftp://ftp.microsoft.com/bussys/winnt/winnt-public/reskit/nt40/i386/
isn't much of use, because the utility instsrv.exe is missing here, and it is a
crucial part of the installation routine for srvany.exe (as I said, this ftp
link contains only a subset of the resource kit)
But if you download the NT 3.5 Resource kit, that is free and complete, from
here (thanks for the link Kadaitcha Man :-)
ftp://ftp.microsoft.com/bussys/winnt/winnt-public/reskit/nt35/i386/I386.exe
you can expand the files
instsrv.ex_, srvany.ex_ and srvany.wr_
to
instsrv.exe, srvany.exe and srvany.wri
and you are in business. I successfully created a service of notepad.exe in
WinXP :)
--
torgeir
Steve Mowbray
Have read this and your other post and they answer the problem I have just
run into (no instsrv). Anyway am now downloading nt35 resource kit to try
and emulate your success. This will keep me going until MS release a
resource kit for XP which is cheaper than the win2000 server resource kit
(if ever).
I guess the basic SCM api hasnt changed much since NT 3.5, no need to I
suppose but seeing as just about everything else in win32 has changed its
still a surprise.
Am grateful to yourself and k-man for getting to this solution (and the
workable alternatives).
Thanks
Steve
"Torgeir Bakken" <Torgeir.B...@hydro.com> wrote in message
news:3D82867A...@hydro.com...
Torgeir Bakken
> But if you download the NT 3.5 Resource kit, that is free and complete, from
> here (thanks for the link Kadaitcha Man :-)
> ftp://ftp.microsoft.com/bussys/winnt/winnt-public/reskit/nt35/i386/I386.exe
>
> you can expand the files
>
> instsrv.ex_, srvany.ex_ and srvany.wr_
> to
> instsrv.exe, srvany.exe and srvany.wri
>
> and you are in business. I successfully created a service of notepad.exe in
> WinXP :)
A couple of notes:
Running I386.exe itself will not work (nothing happens). Ues e.g. WinZip to extract
the files in I386.exe. Then use expand.exe to expand the compressed files, like
this:
expand instsrv.ex_ instsrv.exe
--
torgeir
Mike Brannigan [MS]
by the following "rules of conduct"
http://communities2.microsoft.com/home/rulesofconduct.aspx
and in addition
http://www.microsoft.com/info/cpyright.htm
I would like to draw your attention to :-
Rules of Conduct
Appropriate Language: The purpose of our communities is to exchange
technical information and expertise about Microsoft products. Please
avoid personal attacks, slurs, and profanity in your interactions.
--
Regards,
Mike
--
Mike Brannigan [MS]
This posting is provided "AS IS" with no warranties, and confers no
rights
Please note I cannot respond to e-mailed questions.
Please use these newsgroups
"Kadaitcha Man" <hahah...@fooq.com> wrote in message
news:alsj5j$qvl$0...@pita.alt.net...
> "Steve Mowbray" <steve_...@hotmail.com> wrote in message
> news:b1kg9.2547$2w5.30...@news-text.cableinet.net...
> > I cant say for sure, there is no mention of INSTSRV and/or SRVANY in
XP
> help
> > and support. I have purchased the Windows XP Professional Resource
Kit
> > Documentation anticipating that the XP equivelent of Windows 2000
resource
> > utilities would be contained, however this turned out to be a waste
of
> cash
> > since it is all docs and no software (as far as I can can see).
> >
> > Am I to assume that you need to purchase the Windows 2000 Server
Resource
> > Kit in order to get hold of SRVANY/INSTSRV and the other resource
kit
> > software. Seems a little confusing.
> >
> > Anything that you can add would be most helpful.
>
> Dumbfuck.
>
>
Mike Brannigan [MS]
by the following "rules of conduct"
http://communities2.microsoft.com/home/rulesofconduct.aspx
and in addition
http://www.microsoft.com/info/cpyright.htm
I would like to draw your attention to :-
Rules of Conduct
Appropriate Language: The purpose of our communities is to exchange
technical information and expertise about Microsoft products. Please
avoid personal attacks, slurs, and profanity in your interactions.
--
Regards,
Mike
--
Mike Brannigan [MS]
This posting is provided "AS IS" with no warranties, and confers no
rights
Please note I cannot respond to e-mailed questions.
Please use these newsgroups
"Kadaitcha Man" <hahah...@fooq.com> wrote in message
news:alttmf$rvn$0...@pita.alt.net...