I have to say that I think there's a possibility for a round of "I told you so" hitting me in the face like a truck within the next few days. I'm probably going to regret it tomorrow or in a few days when I feel better, because I'll have given wind to the skeptics and satisfaction to some ill-minded readers, but that still feels right and part of the things I sworn myself to write here.
Let's just say things have not been that great with G. lately, as we've been fighting on and off a lot - but we always do that - and she has been getting a bit abusive, to say the least.
Not that she wasn't before. I guess to the naked eye, a lot of people would already the way she used to treat me abusive. Her job is one thing that I don't mind at all, so that's not really part of it. However her agressivity, her desire to control everything, and her lack of aptitude to take control over her life - and blame it on me not only when I don't offer my help right away but *also* when I try to help - are starting to get to me.
I don't know, maybe I'm just tired. I caught myself considering thoughts I didn't envision before. Moving out, leaving town for a while, going on a bike trip, moving to another country again, applying for different jobs. My life used to be a lot simpler before I met her, for so many reasons. For once, there's the fact that though we move a lot together, I used to move a lot more before. Now I don't; and when I do it's mostly for her sake. I miss that aspect of my life. Then she made it of course extremely financially unsafe. I used to be comfy, meaning I had enough to live with my job, travel a bit, and I was saving all the rest. For later, for family, for projects, even already for retirement, and for helping other people as well. Since I've met her I've lost all the security I had, jobs are an absolute necessity, and though I didn't use to spend money on much before - because that's my lifestyle and I don't like spending money on things that are not really useful, and I resist impulsive temptations for little things like an extra coffee or such things really easily - now I just *cannot* afford to spend it on anything: everything I don't use for rent, food and transportation is saved. And then spent on her. For her future career, our future plans, for the most part. But also a part only on her suddenly thinking that she deserves a break of life.
She does indeed, though I work my ass off (in a different way) and put in a lot of extra hours, and I barely every get a thank you, while I have to be understanding for everything she does and goes through. Which I think I did so far (okay, maybe not everything, nobody's perfect). Of course her job is hard to take, and I wouldn't want her to do more hours that just the bare minimum to save money for what she needs. But that's the problem, she doesn't really save that money, she just spends it. I don't know how it goes away that fast.
And she's a problem magnet. You know that type of person who always think things in life are so hard and complain about them, when all you have to do is get up your ass and do them, and then it takes only a few hours? Or the type of person who becomes the target of all possibles inconveniences. Loosing your wallet, loosing your purse, loosing your jewelry, loosing friends, getting scammed, getting busted, getting your agency busted, getting sick all the time.
But of course they prefer to blame it on other things. The credit crunch, the society, the government (always an easy one, that one), your ex-friends, your boyfriend, and, ah, yes, bad luck. Or even better: blame it on other people's good luck!
Well, that's my G.
And I'm getting so f*cking tired. Remember West Wing
's Leo McGarry
? Well that's how tired I am. I feel like I take all my strength from knowing I'm doing the right thing for her, and that it will be over at some point - and I really know it will - when bad things are behind us, and also from those crazy things we sometimes do together (like the camping trip I talked about here, or crazy concerts, festivals, parties and stuff). But I'm starting to be literally physically, nervously and even emotionally drained. And I know how to deal with the first two, but the third one as never been a big thing for me and that's a brand new sensation that I'm not liking so much right know. And I *HATE* myself for not finding the energy to snap out of that state of lethargy.
And I feel like I don't have any support from her. If I don't support her, it's a full day of fighting ahead of me, or I can usually trade it for 3 days of silent treatment, during which she'll stop doing anything civil while, well, I just keep doing the usual stuff, meaning living my own life but also taking caring of our common life: cleaning, grocery shopping, laundering, watching out for her in any way I can, and helping her to prepare her classes, reminding her of whatever appointments she has (and won't talk about here) and having food and drinks ready when she comes home no matter what time. But then if she asks for a massage at 1am when I've been up for more than 40 hours and I try to decline and say I'll do it the next day (which I always DO god dammit!) then she crawls back into her shell, is grumpy again and goes to sleep without a word, and tells me stuff like "fine, I'll never ask you again".
*[insert scream of slow agony here]*
But it's unfair. Of course it's unfair to me, like so many people keep telling me. But it's unfair to her as well. Unfair to think that you can *expect* from someone who had her childhood and life that she'll be normal, whatever that means. I always feel like I'm living with a freaking teenager. Because I am. She never grew up. And I don't think she'll ever will. Either it's too late, or she's not in a mindset where she accepts any criticism and I don't know what event - I lost faith in words, I've tried too many of those - could finally have some effect on her and realize that there are ways of dealing with things, and that they're not hers. You don't shut off for a week when someone talks to you in a moody way (especially when you're the Queen of Moodyland). You don't snap at people on the street and keep rambling and cursing for ten minutes just because some things didn't go the way you wanted, or because an impromptu problem occurred, or because your friends didn't call back.
You don't have to always think that people should be on call because they have a mobile phone, and always call back when you tried to call but didn't leave a message. Yes, I agree, it's better. And *most* people would do, *most* of the time. *Sometimes*, *some* people have lots of things to do and don't call back, or don't ask exactly the right question to ask how you've been or forget to show interest in some part of your life which they could not possibly care about in the first place, because it's totally alien to her. It doesn't mean they're not your friends, or bad people, it means they're having a f*cking hard time, like *you*, and just cannot take any more of the world's misery on their shoulders and wish you'd do the same and cut them some slack. And alienating them for that is a bit of a knee-jerk jackass act.
But what do you want. From mentally abused to beaten child, to child-worker, to child top-less barmaid and stripper with implants, to escort, how do you expect things to go smoothly?
How do you expect to have a social scale that defines commonly accepted concepts like truth, hope, trust, *mutual* social equity and ethics?
How do you do that when all your previous boyfriends and girlfriends cheated on you, treated you like dirt, beat you - giving you a warm reminder of what it felt like to be repressed and almost enslaved as a child again - and demeaned you, stole from you and threatened to out you as a sex-worker.
And when your closest friends are part of this same industry, or if not, of a social circle where the same affinity for problems lives on with a thousand lives to spare, how can you not *think* that everything in the world is supposed to be this way (because this world seems equally as foreign to anyone leaving in the normal one and thinking such things cannot happen and exist, or only on very rare occasions, isn't it so?).
But fair or unfair... I think I've had enough. Enough of this shit, the poison. Mind you, it's not really due to escorting itself. But I wouldn't dare to say it isn't part of the equation. If people ask me if I didn't think it was bound to fail that this was foreseeable: sure. Of course it was, I'd say the same to anyone in a similar situation. But that's because I'm pessimistic and aim for the lowest point on the horizon in any case. Yet I'd still tell all these people that I *do* strongly believe it is possible. Even if we might be about to become a casualty of this environment.
I have tons of posts in storage, which are each more or less finished because I wrote them to describe things on the moment, but with only a very short time on my hands every time (as I just explained above in this post). So I might or might not finish them and post them here, no matter what happens.
Right now, I just don't want to think. I''m going to crank up the volume on my stereo, open a can of coke and have a long relaxing drink peering out the window on the street and chatting with the occasional passersby, just because that sounds like the right thing to do to meditate, relax and reflect for the end of a shiny afternoon. And then I'll go for a run.
That's all I can think of for the moment, though I'm a bit scared of giving it a shot, as usually it drains me physically (giving me a good night's sleep afterwards) and cleans my nervousness. I feel anew and afresh every time afterwards. Yet I feel like this is going to fail miserably today.