when to spank
Rick Merrill
if you tell a 2 yr old "do not touch the window", they are
most likely to say, "'dis winde" while touching the window!
(Extensive psychological studies have verified this seemingly
perverse reaction, but let's not go there!)
So while raising our 5 children our policy has been no spanking
for under 3yrs old. Under 3 yr olds tend to associate the pain
with the source (e.g. parent, sitter) and NOT with their own actions.
BUT there comes a time when that little ego wants to bust out
and have its own way all the time. This is especially evident
when they defy parental authority. It is at this point that I
say plan to spank 'em. With 4 of our kids I only ever had to
spank 'em ONCE, Ever! (Sadly, I've seen no studies on this.)
And of course afterward hug and love 'em.
What I do is to say "obey your mother/father by the time I count
to 3 or I will have to spank you." By the age of 3 they are
able to count. So I give 'em a realy slow count. NOW I'm
on the hook to *keep my word*!
There is lot's of evidence for "spare the rod, spoil the child"
and a horse that isn't "broken" is of no use to anyone.
Thoughts/reactions?
Rick
Merrill
Fred of syc.org
> Children under age 3 cannot understand "Not". For example,
> if you tell a 2 yr old "do not touch the window", they are
> most likely to say, "'dis winde" while touching the window!
>
> (Extensive psychological studies have verified this seemingly
> perverse reaction, but let's not go there!)
>
> So while raising our 5 children our policy has been no spanking
> for under 3yrs old. Under 3 yr olds tend to associate the pain
> with the source (e.g. parent, sitter) and NOT with their own actions.
Our policy has been no spanking, period. No need. And it doesn't work,
anyway. Spanking only destroys the self-esteem of the child. And that
damaged self-esteem will follow them for the rest of their lives.
> BUT there comes a time when that little ego wants to bust out
> and have its own way all the time. This is especially evident
> when they defy parental authority. It is at this point that I
> say plan to spank 'em. With 4 of our kids I only ever had to
> spank 'em ONCE, Ever! (Sadly, I've seen no studies on this.)
> And of course afterward hug and love 'em.
That "little ego" is really the child striving to interact and learn
from his or her environment. If they didn't have that "ego burst", they
would be dull.
The problem is, of course, that "little ego burst" tends to be
inconvienent for the parents.
> What I do is to say "obey your mother/father by the time I count
> to 3 or I will have to spank you." By the age of 3 they are
> able to count. So I give 'em a realy slow count. NOW I'm
> on the hook to *keep my word*!
I've never wanted to "make" my kids "behave" just because it would make
things eaiser for me. Yes, there are some situations where there is a
real danger involved, and I handle those appropriately. But I endeavor
to create a safe environment so that I don't have to say "No!" as often.
> There is lot's of evidence for "spare the rod, spoil the child"
> and a horse that isn't "broken" is of no use to anyone.
Where is this evidence?
If one has a rapport with the child, spanking, I find, is unnessary.
Spanking is usually done, I think, out of frustration on behalf of the
parents, and it sets up a dynamic of interaction that "once begun,
always will" -- that is, once you resort to spanking, that becomes the
kid's mindset, and then you are forver "trapped" with that approach.
It is best not to choose that approach in the first place, but use your
personal relationship with the child to help steer the little tyke in
the right direction. And you must allow room for exploration!!!!!
But these are just my thoughts. Far be it from me to dictate to another
parent how to raise his or her child.
-Fred