Fw: (sskzm bar) Fwd: Parent-Child Communication

[Binoy C K]

 

BINOY C K

94461 87341

               

                       

                         

On Friday, 29 November 2013 9:52 PM, suresh cn <cnsur...@gmail.com> wrote:

Useful read written by a friend. Just passing it on...

CN Suresh

721/76

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Judgment  in the Arushi murder case has been given and the parents found guilty of murdering their only daughter, a teenager.  The controversies, interjections by the Supreme Court of India and the Allahabad High Court and the media glare along with the rarity of the legal aspects of the case were the highlights.  Without commenting on the legal aspects and introspecting as to how the judgment was reached, the most important lesson for us all is the aspect of parent-child relationship and the role communication play, especially in the modern society.

Being an at-home father for a decade and having brought up a daughter and a son through their teenage in Canada and also having observed behaviors of many parents and children, some of the aspects that came to my mind is discussed below.

A family and a home is not a private limited company, but is a public company where the parents and children, all have equal stakes.  Along with the stakes comes duties and responsibilities.  It is mandatory for the parents to ensure that they do their bit and also that the children do theirs.  Making the children do chores at home, making them participate in all family activities, ensuring that their academic pursuits are successful, encouraging them to pursue their hobbies and interest and also their sporting interests and above all communicating with them to achieve the aforesaid is what the parents got to do.

Rules for Good Parent-Child Communication

Show Interest.         Convey to that the child knows that you are interested and involved and you are always available for help.  Whenever the child speaks to you, make sure that you turn off the television or put the newspaper down.  Avoid taking a telephone call however important it may be as for most of us nothing can be more important than one's child.

Converse in Private.  The best communication between you and the child will occur when others are not around.  It would be good idea to take the child out for a drive or to quiet corner in park or a coffee shop. 

Do Not Dictate.        Putting a child down, especially in front of others, is both embarrassing and disgusting for any child.  this will lead only to resentment and hostility, never  good communication.  Try and  physically get down to the child’s level and then talk.

Never React.            When you hear about a behavior or an incident which makes you angry, don’t attempt communication until you regain your cool, because you cannot be objective until then. If you ever admonish the child immediately, you can be rest assured that the child will never report any such instances in the future.  Always analyze the situation and try and get  maximum details from the child and may be at times from the teachers and friends, and then deliver your judgment.  Assist the child in planning some specific steps to the solution and along with it provide or suggest remedial actions or as to how to deal with similar situations in the future in a more dignified and mature manner. 

Be a Patient Listener.        In case you are tired after a day's work, you will have to make an extra effort to be an active listener.  Coax and encourage your child to bring out more details.  Teenagers tend to use slangs and at times unparliamentarily language in their narration.  Do not ever hang on to these words as the true picture will be lost immediately.  You must advise the child to curb his vocabulary at a later time.  Listen carefully and politely. Don’t interrupt the child when he is trying to tell his story. Be as courteous to your child as you would be to your best friend.

Preach the Least.   Preaching is never helpful in getting communication open and keeping it open.  Never come out with sob stories about the difficulties and lack of facilities you had in your childhood.  Avoid using the lines like "You only talk when I am done"; “I know what is best for you"; "Do What I say"; "I never spoke like this to my parents"; etc.

Reporting Procedure.       Always encourage the child to speak to you about what happened at school, at an outing for a movie with friends, a party etc.  Never ask why but always ask what happened.  You really need to prod to get the teenager speak about it and what you get will always be the tip of the iceberg.  Your reactions should be such as to ensure that the child reports such events in future. 

Encourage, Accept and Appreciate.     Show that you accept the child himself, regardless of what he has or has not done.  Always appreciate the child for the 93% marks he scored than admonishing him for the 7% he lost.  You got to encourage him and advise him as to how he can do better.  Say a word of appreciation like "Thank you" or "You did a nice job", when the child does any chores at home.  Never use put-down words or statements like “Stupid, that makes no sense at all” or “What do you know, you are only a child". 

Participative Decision Making.   Involve the children in as much decision making as possible like the colour scheme for the walls of the home, flowers to be planted in the garden, selection of the restaurant and menu for a family dinner, family summer vacation, etc.  Try and accommodate all their aspirations, at times against your own interest and wish; you may not get such an opportunity later in life,

Cultural and Family Barriers.      Try not to bring in any cultural and family reasons regarding the way the teenagers dress, the friends they interact with and activities they are involved in.  Many parents persuade their children from wearing short dresses or going out with friends as being "Against our culture".  This tends to make the teenagers rebellious and many  end up taking rash and illogical decisions, more to prove to their friends that they are liberated not bonded by their parent's culture or religious beliefs.

Sex Education.       The most difficult subject for many parents to broach with their teenage children, but once you take the first bold step towards it, it becomes much easier and would always be a rewarding experience.  Studies indicate that adolescents whose parents talk to them about sex tend to be less sexually active and more likely to use an effective means of contraception.  Many parents are not able to provide all the information about sex that young people need. Only a few ever got  a good idea from their parents that helped them talk about sexual issues with their girlfriend/ boyfriend.   :Parents must be the primary source of information about sexual and reproductive health for their children and not what they learn from their friends or through media or from the internet. 

We humans are a rare species when it comes to parenting.  We are conflicted between excessive care and a willingness to let them loose. We are eager to be their friends, but also to set firm boundaries. We want all their problems to vanish in a blink of an eye, but we also want to prepare them to face hardships on their own. We suffer when they make mistakes, but we don’t let them see our suffering. All these paradoxical behaviors build the barriers we face when communicating with our children.

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