Why are there flotation devices under airplane seats
Paul Foerster
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Why are there flotation devices under airplane seats
The Parachute Paradigm
You are one of two people on a malfunctioning airplane with only one
parachute. If you are a:
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Pessimist: you refuse the parachute because you might die in the jump
anyway.
Optimist: you refuse the parachute because people have survived jumps just
like this before.
Procrastinator: you play a game of Monopoly for the parachute.
Bureaucrat: you order the other person to conduct a feasibility study on
parachute use in multi-engine aircraft under code red conditions.
Lawyer: you charge one parachute for helping the other person sue the
airline.
Doctor: you tell the other person you need to run more tests, then take
the
parachute in order to make your next appointment.
Sales Executive: you sell the other person the parachute at top retail
rates
and get the names of friends and relatives who might like one too.
Internal Revenue Service Agent: you confiscate the parachute along with
the
other person's luggage, wallet, and gold fillings.
Advertiser: you strip-tease while singing that what he or she needs is a
neon parachute with computer altimeter for only $39.99.
Engineer: you make the other person another parachute out of aisle
curtains
and dental floss.
Scientist: you give the other person the parachute and request he or she
send
you a report on how well it worked.
Mathematician: you refuse to accept the parachute without proof that it
will
work in all cases.
Philosopher: you ask how he or she knows the parachute actually exists.
English Teacher: you explicate simile and metaphor in the parachute
instructions.
Comparative Literature Professor: you read the parachute instructions in
all
four languages.
Computer Scientist: you design a machine capable of operating a parachute
as well as a human being could.
Economist: you plot a demand curve by asking the other person, at regular
intervals, how much they would pay for a parachute.
Psychoanalyst: you ask the other person what the shape of a parachute
reminds
them of.
Actor: you tie the other person down so they can watch you develop the
character of a person stuck on a falling plane without a parachute.
Artist: you hang the parachute on the wall and sign it.
Republican: as you jump out with the parachute, you tell the other person
to
work hard and not expect handouts.
Democrat: you ask the other person for a dollar to buy scissors so you can
cut the parachute into two equal pieces.
Libertarian: after reminding the other person of their constitutional
right to
have a parachute, you take it and jump out.
Ross Perot: you tell the other person not to worry, since it won't take
you
long to learn how to fix a plane.
Surgeon General: you issue a warning that skydiving can be hazardous to
your
health.
Environmentalist: you refuse to use the parachute unless it is
biodegradable.
Objectivist: your only rational and moral choice is to take the parachute,
as
the free market will take care of the other person.
Sports Fan: you start betting on how long it will take to crash.
Auto Mechanic: as long as you are looking at the plane engine, it works
fine.
Association of Tobacco Growers Spokesperson: you explain very patiently
that
despite a number of remarkable coincidences, studies have shown no link
whatsoever between airplane crashes and death.