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Mauricette Atencio
Each Christmas, I attempt to spend a few days watching Christmas classics. Which can be difficult, because there have been, in the history of the entertainment industry, maybe 20 Christmassy movies that you could say are legitimately good. Even ones that are considered classics would've been probably been disregarded years ago if they didn't have Santa hats and Christmas trees. Most holiday-themed movies are bland, boring, and and completely mediocre. And there's no joy in watching mediocre movies. But there can be a lot of joy in watching terrible ones.
So in an effort to find the absolute worst of the bunch, I spent an entire day, from waking to sleep, trying to find the shittiest festive movie I could. So you could share in my misery, I decided to only include movies that are available on the main US streaming services. Which, unfortunately, means things like the Hulk Hogan-starring Santa with Muscles and the Christian Christmas film that dragged Mike Huckabee into a class-action lawsuit,were excluded.
So I figured this attitude would inform the rest of the movie: It would examine the materialism that's taken over Christmas, and tell the viewer they should instead focus on doing good in the world, as God would want. But no. The rest of the movie is actually a series of monologues in which Cameron justifies the excesses of the festive season by explaining to the brother-in-law that every single aspect of Christmas is super godly, actually. This includes a theory that Christmas trees have a biblical basis because there were trees in the Garden of Eden, and the cross Jesus was crucified on was also made from a tree. Cameron also explains that it's fine that we possibly celebrate Christmas on December 25 because it evolved from pagan winter solstice celebrations, because last time I checked, it was God who made the winter solstice, when He set the planets on their path around the sun."
By the time Cameron was explaining that Christmas presents, when placed under the tree, resemble the skyline of New Jerusalem, I thought to myself that it couldn't be possible for the movie to be more terrible or exhausting. It then launched into its final scene: a Christmas hip-hop/breakdancing scene, in which Kirk Cameron does the worm.
According to his blog, he and his family (which included four infant children) found themselves in a similar situation to the characters in the film: unemployed, broke, facing eviction, and sleeping around their living room fire because the power had been cut off.
He goes on to write that he was able to make the movie by selling off his and his wife's valuables and retirement stocks (!!!) and working with a cast and crew who went unpaid. The blog post does not specify whether he made any money back on his investment.
It opens at Castle Bam, with Bam Margera, shot through a fisheye lens, explaining that he has ordered some snow from the Poconos that he is going to use to wake up somebody named Shitbird, who is asleep in his living room.
This movie seems to have been made as a vehicle to show off the talents of two guys called Darren Dowler and Bertie Higgins, who wrote, produced, directed, and starred in the film. They also contributed to the soundtrack.
The film felt EXTREMELY self-produced. Perhaps the most self-produced thing I have ever seen. Especially the shots featuring Christmas decorations, which seem to have been achieved by superimposing stock photographs of decorations over their footage. Everything felt so thoroughly cheap and rushed and pointless that, watching it, I assumed it would have an agenda. That the moral of the story was going to sell me on Christianity or Scientology or Herbalife or something. But as far as I can tell, it had none. It seemed to just exist to promote the acting/producing/writing/musical/directing talents of the two main guys.
Beyond having the same storyline as A Christmas Carol, the film doesn't actually have any references to Christmas, but my brain was so frazzled by this point in the day that I didn't realize until the movie was over. I'm still including it in this roundup because the thought of having watched it for nothing made me feel actual physical grief symptoms.
This one was kind of nice. The movie was so flat and formulaic, it sent me into a kind of waking coma. It appeared to have received the minimum acceptable amount of effort from everyone involved. The actors delivered their lines with the enthusiasm of of a prisoner of war being forced to tape a renouncement of their home country at gunpoint. I think the monotony and beige festive glow of every scene might have hypnotized me. By this point, it was almost midnight, and I had been watching Christmas movies for almost 18 hours.
The main characters are a wedding planner, her cousin who is getting married, and a sexy PI who is the ex boyfriend of the bride and has been hanging out with the wedding planner for the last couple of weeks.
An American Carol was definitely the worst movie I watched during my day. But since it's only loosely tied to Christmas, I'm not sure it qualifies to receive the honor or Worst Christmas Movie of All Time (Within the Confines of This Fairly Lazy Experiment). Instead, I'm going to give that honor to Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas. For being technically bad, as a movie, but also for having the extremely questionable moral that buying Christmassy tat is more Christian than funding wells in Africa.
The Unicorn Academy x Wild Horse Island is the second collaboration (abbreviated collab) event to come to Wild Horse Islands. The event introduced a new animal called Unicorns into the game. In this collaboration, users could get Unicorns by giving all the NPCs their respective gems and get limited items along with the Unicorns. There were 6 types of Gems: Fire Gems, Light Gems, Plant Gems, Ice Gems, Water Gems, and Weather Gems; they could be harvested in the form of crystals on a new island named Unicorn Island. The purpose of this collaboration was to advertise a TV series called Unicorn Academy. The TV series was released on November 2nd, 2023 on Netflix. The Unicorn Academy event contained 3 parts, which were released over a 4 month period each with different activities and objectives.
The Unicorns obtained from this event will be stuck with players forever, as they are unable to be traded or sold. Players will not lose the Unicorns or any other items they obtained after the event ends.
In part one, users were introduced to the Unicorns and how to obtain them. If you bonded any Unicorn to 500 bond, the special ability for the Unicorn will be unlocked. Unicorns can only be bonded with Skyberries as the other food cannot raise their bond due to them not being very fond of anything else besides Skyberries.
This event introduced 7 different Unicorns from the TV show Unicorn Academy. Their names are Storm, Cinder, Leaf, River, Wildstar, Glacier, and Ethera. You could get them from their respected NPCs by giving the NPC 100 Gems (with the exception of Ethera, who was only able to be obtained in part 3 of the event by purchasing it for 1,000 Unicorn Battle Tokens). You cannot trade or sell any of the Unicorns.
The Gems were obtainable during the event. There were 6 types of Gems - Fire Gems, Light Gems, Plant Gems, Ice Gems, Water Gems, and Weather Gems. If the player got 10 of the same Gem in total, they would be able to obtain either Skyberries, a random accessory or a hair dye from the NPC the Gem goes to.
Along with the 7 Unicorns, each one also got their own NPC to go with them. Their names are Sophia Mendoza, Ava Banji, Layla Fletcher, Isabel Armstrong, Valentina Furi, and Rory Carmichael. The teacher for Unicorn Academy, Ms. Primrose, was also added. By giving an NPC 50 gems, you could obtain a limited UGC and an in-game plushie. For 100 gems, as mentioned above, you could get the NPC's Unicorn. For 175 gems, the player was able to obtain the Unicorn's bridle. Lastly, for 200 gems, the NPC would reward the player with the respective Unicorn's saddle. The only NPC to have an extra reward was Valentina Furi, rewarding the player with Cinder's Boots for 190 Fire Gems. When handing in gems to the NPCs, each have their own slogans that are similar to their characters' personalities in the show.
Ms. Primrose is how you get your first Unicorn. Once you enter Unicorn Island go to Ms. Primrose and tell her you're ready to get your Unicorn. She will give you a quiz and depending on your answer, she will reward you the Unicorn best fitted to you. Ms. Primrose will only give you your first Unicorn, and after that you don't get anything else from her until you have bonded with your Unicorn and completed quests from part 2. Gems can still be handed to their respective NPC's for the plush and tack/accessory rewards, however the player will not receive a second duplicate Unicorn of the one Ms. Primrose gifted them. She does not have any accessories or hair dyes excluding the Unicorn Battle Shop from part 3.
Ava Banji is the rider of Leaf. She comes with 2 articles of clothing in the accessory shop, as well as her Fate Fairy and wings. Once a player gives her 50 Plant Gems, they receive a Leaf Plush and limited UGC item. After handing in 100 Plant Gems, players receive her Unicorn Leaf. Additionally, 175 Plant Gems would give the player Leaf's Bridle, and 200 Plant Gems would give the player Leaf's Saddle.
Isabel Armstrong is the rider of River. She comes with 2 articles of clothing in the accessory shop, as well as her Fate Fairy and wings. Once a player gives her 50 Water Gems, they receive a River Plush and limited UGC item. After handing in 100 Water Gems, players receive her Unicorn River. Additionally, 175 Water Gems would give the player River's Bridle, and 200 Water Gems would give the player River's Saddle.
Layla Fletcher is the rider of Glacier. She comes with 2 articles of clothing in the accessory shop, as well as her Fate Fairy and wings. Once a player gives her 50 Ice gems, they receive a Glacier Plush and limited UGC item. After handing in 100 Ice Gems, players receive her Unicorn Glacier. Additionally, 175 Ice Gems would give the player Glacier's Bridle, and 200 Ice Gems would give the player Glacier's Saddle.
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