This Week's Sermon
Lumpy
week will take a look at some verses from the Book of Tice, but first
let us take a moment to pray.
O God, ease our suffering in this, our moment of great dispair.
Yea, admit this kind and decent woman into thy arms of thine heavenly
area, up there. And Moab, he lay us upon the band of the Canaanites,
and yea, though the Hindus speak of karma, I implore you: give her a
break.
I think that was much more effective when Clark Griswald was eulogizing
the recently deceased Aunt Edna in Vacation.
On to the first reading. From the Book of Tice, chapter 2005, verse
three, line ten:
"And, yea I have doth soldth some of my tickets thisth year. I
hath done. I hath doth told the league and I hath doth told sir Red
McCombs. I won'th doth speakth lies. But should I be exiled this year
for my scalpish behavior, then I be-ith a goat of scape. Ifth I doth
be guilty of any crime, it is the crime of exchanging my tickets for
trinkets and monetary concerns. I doth protest any persons who accuse
me of purchasing any tickets from thy players since I ascended to the
position of supreme coach."
The second reading again is from the Book of Tice, this time chapter
2005, verse 12, line 19:
"It doth make my mind quite confused. Perhaps the heathons doth
not have my passion for the competition, or as an alternative, perhaps
said heathons must procure more gold pieces in order to barter for
Christmas gifts. It puzzles me. It musth be one of thy two options."
The latter of the two readings is in reference to Viking fans scalping
their tickets for last week's Steelers game.
Hypocrisy is an interesting thing. I believe that this one could be
filed under the do as I say, not as I do category, but the problem with
that is that you end up looking like an ass. Tice's recent comments
makes a guy wonder whether or not Latrell Sprewell dropped by the Twin
Towns to make a little scratch by scalping Viking tickets, after the
guy has a family to feed. Also makes a guy wonder if former Vike David
Palmer ever scalped his tickets, after all the guy had a boatload of
kids and their mothers to feed.
Stay tuned for Mike Tice to suffer a little more diarrhea of the mouth,
it's only a matter of time. At least he keeps it interesting here from
that standpoint, but between you and me, I'd rather have a coach
capable of winning a Super Bowl instead of one that astounds us with
his foolishness. Set him free Ziggy.
One a slightly related note, as a youngster I was a little bit
skeptical of doctors based on the fact that they took something called
the Hippocratic Oath. It's an oath named after Hippocrates, the father
of medicine. I assumed it was just an oath where they promised to
remain full of sh!t. Question to all the doctors out there, is there
any connection between Hippocrates and hypocrites? Was the guy one big
S.o.B. that happened to have a pretty good idea of what was going on
with the human body or is it just coincidental? Question to all the
female doctors out there, my dad, Kenny, recently had hernia surgery
(he's doing fine now, thanks for asking), is there any chance that this
is a hereditary issue and if so, when can you schedule me in for a
complimentary hernia check. To thank you, I'll buy dinner, that just
the kind of guy I am.
We continue and as we continue I apologize. One thing most of us can
agree on is that church at times can be too long. Hopefully with the
different nature of this church that same theory will not hold true.
The second sermon is based on readings from the Book of Bertuzzi &
Kevin Lowe's Letter to the Canadians. From the Letter to the
Canadians:
"We doth proclaim the utmost pride to have selected Todd Bertuzzi
for the hockey squad for the Winter Olympiad. Asth human beings and as
in life and as in this country, I doth believe that a part of being le
Canuck is thou ability to be most forgiving."
The final reading is from the Book of Bertuzzi, sometimes commonly
referred to as the Devil's Handbook, or Goonery for Idiots.
"It isth what it isth."
Two very disturbing readings indeed. I like to consider myself to be
rather in touch when it comes to the goings on of the hockey world, but
it seems that I no longer am. The only scenario that I can envision to
select Todd Bertuzzi to represent your country at the most honorable of
international sporting events is that you really have no other option.
Last time I checked Canadian hockey rinks were more crowded than Pamela
Anderson's bra. Perhaps the United States Olympic committee can lobby
for football as a demonstration sport so we can get O.J. a medal. This
philosophy will have the Academy dishing out a lifetime achievement
award to Robert Blake this year. Even without the Steve Moore assault,
Bertuzzi was a goon and a thug. His game was perfect if you were
playing at an outdoor rink in Kamloops, but in the Olympics it just
doesn't make sense. Trust me, I know of where I speak. Goons are
created when pure natural hockey talent doesn't exist. We had plenty
of them in New Ulm for obvious reasons, present company not excluded.
This Olympics is a very important marketing device for the floundering
NHL. Showcasing new talent like Sidney Crosby is what the fans
deserved. Acknowledging superior current players like Eric Staal is
what the players deserved. Rewarding Todd Bertuzzi is something that
no one deserved, particularly Todd Bertuzzi. I'm not saying the guy
should've been exiled to the Yukon Territory, but at every level his
punishment has not been enough. The NHL suspended him for 13 games.
That is the most embarrassing thing about the NHL ever. More
embarrassing than Gary Betteman's hair cut, and Gary Betteman's
leadership. The Canadian legal system also slapped him on the wrist.
Proper punishment would've been two full seasons and a lifetime ban
from representing Canada in any international events. Hockey players
should live their life by one simple rule, WWGD, what would Gretzky do?
(I smell a new t-shirt for the Church gift shop) Canada should be
embarrassed, but they're not alone.
I'm still upset that back in 1998, the American team trashed their
rooms in the Olympic Village in Nagano after playing like a bunch of
Pee-Wee players. Officials refused to name names, and the players put
up a united front of silence. Perhaps I should get over it, but I'm
still troubled that those prima-donna, baby, a55holes may have just
been named to the Olympic squad that I'll be cheering on in about seven
weeks.
Things were so much simpler 26 years ago. The Soviets were evil, and
we were good. My prediction is that the Bertuzzi will end up with a
gold medal before this is all said and done, and the Americans will get
nothing and like it. The lessons of past American Olympic hockey
winners is simple, have plenty 'Sotans. The 1980 squad had a majority
of Minnesotans. This year's squad had three.
Hope that everyone has a good Christmas & Hanukkah. Go ahead celebrate
both, that's the Church of Lump way, a party's a party!
Amen,
Lumpy