Just What the World Needs, Another Major Religion
Lumpy
prediction, but the World (according to Lump) has come to an end, but
in the grand Buddhist tradition of reincarnation, the spirit lives on
in the newly formed Church of Lump.
Major religion? Not exactly. This thing will be minor at best. Think
the St. Paul Saints of religion. Actually don't even think religion,
think of it as a state of mind.
The majority of CoL dogma has yet to be written, actually all of it is
yet to be written, so we might as well start right now.
The Church of Lump believes in the endless pursuit of fun. That's not
to say it's all fun & games, we're firm believers of the old saying
"work hard, play hard". One of the major influences on the CoL, Jimmy
Buffett, perhaps said it best, "there's a thin line between Saturday
night and Sunday morning". Nothing you read here will help define that
line, and will probably instead go a long ways to further blurring the
line.
We believe in God. How else can you explain Wayne Gretzky's ice
vision, Manny's Steakhouse's New York Strip, Schell Brewery's
Zommerfest & Angelina Jolie. On a side note we believe that a perfect
evening includes plenty of the latter three, sorry Wayne.
We believe in thanking God, but since he's omnipresent, we don't feel
the need to do it audibly. We wish that every musician, actor,
director and athlete that wins any award would realize this.
We believe that a lot of Christianity is symbolic. We do not believe
that the world was created in seven days. We do not believe that we
are actually consuming Christ's blood and body while taking communion.
We do believe the bread & wine are symbols of Christ, and were a little
worried about all the Catholics that seem to transform into
cannibalistic vampires for this ceremony.
We believe in modern medicine and believe that choosing prayer over
medical attention is child abuse.
We also believe that naming your child Apple, Moon Unit, or Rumor are
to lesser extent also child abuse.
We believe in stem cell research and feel that anyone opposed to it
should be allowed to only use leeches for treating any sickness they
may contract and see how that goes.
We believe that children are to be seen and heard but never touched.
We believe that families come in many different shapes and sizes, but
as long as their based on love, they're okay with us.
We believe that drums are for banging, bibles are not.
We believe that God will from time to time do things to make us
question him, like letting the Weaver family make it to the Amazing
Race finals, but ultimately he's got his shit together, like letting
the Weaver family finish last in the Amazing Race finals.
So there you have it, just a little insight to the beliefs of the newly
formed Church of Lump. Instead of meeting in a church every Sunday,
we'll do fine with the occasional happy hour. There will be no
confirmations, no bar or bat mitzvahs. Membership in the Church of
Lump can be held simultaneously with participation in any of the more
mainstream religions. Ultimately it's just a pulpit for me to spew a
little BS on a somewhat occasional basis. Consider yourself newly
baptized.
Until the next service, you can take a look at the church's website at
www.churchoflump.com for the latest on Tookie Wilson, Pat Robertson,
Matt Leinart your chance to live right next door to the Church of Lump.
Amen,
Lumpy